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It Changes Everything: Charlie	By : IrenaAdler Category: M through R > NUMB3RS Views: 2977 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own NUMB3RS, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Part 8 � Logical anxiety

�Larry?�� Charlie
called, looking into Larry�s office.� It
was empty and Charlie frowned in frustration.�
He was desperate to talk to Larry and couldn�t find him.� If only Larry had a cell phone �

Charlie had left Colby�s that morning in a considerably less
equanimous frame of mind than he had gone to sleep in.� Okay, to be more honest with himself, he was
confused, worried, and scared to death. �He�d spent the entire morning staring at a
chalkboard without getting anything done.

Now he was wandering around Larry�s empty office and
wondering what to do next.� Checking his
watch, he realized it was lunchtime.� He
turned and quickly hurried across the campus to the cafeteria.� There he was relieved to see Larry sitting by
himself, a piece of bread stalled halfway to his mouth as he stared off into
space.

�Larry!�� Charlie
said.� He grabbed a chair and sat down.

�Charles,� Larry said, blinking.� He gazed down at Charlie�s empty hands.� �You forgot your food.� I�ve done that before.� They�ll hold it for you for a few minutes.�

�I�ve got to talk to you!��
Charlie said urgently.

�Well, you�re talking to me now, so you�ve already
accomplished your objective.�

�No, about something in particular.�

�It�s very difficult to not talk about something in
particular.� Even if you use the greatest
generalities, the mind will apply the determiners to a specific instance of
personal interest.�

Charlie looked around.�
The cafeteria was too crowded.�
�Grab your lunch,� he said, �We need to go somewhere private.�

Larry made mild protests as Charlie picked up his tray and
bundled Larry out the door.� Practically
dragging him, Charlie hastened across campus to Charlie�s office.� He set Larry�s tray down on the desk and shut
the door.� On second thought, he locked
the door.� You never know when someone will drop by.

From his seat at Charlie�s desk, Larry looked at him with
raised eyebrows.� �I�m glad that you�re
so eager for my undivided attention, but was it necessary��

�Larry,� Charlie said urgently.� �How do you know if you�re in love?�

Larry blinked then tilted his head.� �I�m guessing that this isn�t merely an
academic exercise?�

�No.�� Charlie acknowledged.

�Well � that�s a question that�s puzzled philosophers since
time immemorial.� Perhaps if you gave me
more details of your particular conundrum?�

Charlie threw himself into a chair.� �Oh God, where to start?�

��At the beginning� is the usual retort, I believe.�

�The beginning,� Charlie mumbled.� �Larry, do you remember when I got
kidnapped?�

�I could hardly forget,� Larry said with gentle
reproof.�

�Right, right.��
Charlie frowned.� �That wasn�t
actually the beginning, though.� The
beginning was more ��
Do you remember that conversation we had way back when, when I �
found out � that Don and David � in his apartment?�

�Yes,� Larry said.�
�You were quite distraught.�

�Yeah, well, I followed your advice and talked to Don.�

�I�m glad to hear it.��
Larry picked up his half-finished piece of toast.

�But I still didn�t understand.� So I decided to � find out for myself.�

Larry�s hand stopped on the way to his mouth and his eyebrows
shot up.� �As in �?�

Charlie flushed.� �As
in sleep with David myself.�

�I see ��

�It was your idea.�

Larry�s head snapped back.�
�How was that my idea?�

�You said I was trying to form a hypothesis without data, so
I � went and got data.�

�Alright,� Larry said slowly, �I�m sure that wasn�t the
intent of my statement, whatever the statement was at the time.�

�Maybe not,� Charlie acceded.� �But I did.�

�And?�

And it was good,
incredible, right.�
Like something I�d been waiting for all my life.�� Charlie cleared his throat.� �It was good.�
And I continued � seeing David.�

Larry nodded.�
�Interesting.� And did this have
the world-ending consequences that you foresaw?�

Charlie eyed him.� �What
do you mean by that?�

�At the time of our conversation, you seemed to think that
Don having relations with men required you to disassemble your entire model of
human understanding.� I can only imagine
that you yourself having such relations would precipitate an even greater
crisis of faith.�

�Well, not at first,� Charlie said, then
admitted, �I tried really hard to not think about it.�

�Not an unexpected reaction.�

Charlie stood up from his chair and began to pace.� Larry quietly ate his toast then retrieved a
spoon and began on something white and mushy in a bowl.� Charlie picked up a Rubik�s Cube and fiddled
with it.� If Larry was to help him, he
needed to know it all ��

�Larry,� Charlie said.�
�You�re my best friend.�

�Why, thank you, Charles,� Larry said with a smile.

�And I don�t want to jeopardize that, I don�t want to tell
you what I have to tell you, but I � have to tell you.�

�I will do my utmost to refrain from judgment,� Larry said, his
face instantly serious.� He set down his
spoon and focused on Charlie.

Charlie paced for another moment, flipping the cube in and
out of completion.� The telling wasn�t
going to get easier by waiting.� Larry
watched him patiently.

�There was this night,� Charlie said at last.� �I went up to meet David, because I thought
he had invited me to this hotel room and everything but it turns out that I
read the situation wrong because Don was there too.�

Larry waited.

Charlie gave the cube one last wrench and slammed it down on
the desk.� �David, he � talked us into
it.� It wasn�t my idea or Don�s idea, it
just � happened.�

Larry�s eyebrows rose.

Charlie dropped back into the chair and put his head in his
hands.� �David got Don and I to � do
stuff with each other.� You know, sex stuff.�

There was silence and Charlie slowly raised his head.� Larry was staring at him.� His hands were on both cheeks and his jaw was
hanging open.

�You �� Larry said slowly.�
�With Don?� With your brother?� Don?�

�Yeah,� Charlie said miserably.� �Yeah.�
Not � everything, but yeah.� But
Larry � it was good, really
good.� And � and I �� Charlie
grimaced.� �I realized that I�d been wanting to do that with Don for a long time ��

�Oh.�� Larry said, continuing
to stare at him.

�Yeah, �oh.�� Charlie
groaned.� �What am I supposed to do with
a sexual attraction to my brother?�

Larry broke off his stare and rubbed his cheek.� �Well,� he asked in his thoughtful
voice.� �What did you do with it?�

�What do you mean?�

�I mean, after this one � encounter, was there a reoccurrence?�

�No!�� Charlie
snapped.� �No.� Don and me, we set some ground rules.� That we would never do anything like that
again unless it was with a third person.�

�Okay.� But weren�t
things awkward with you and Don afterwards?�

�Oddly enough, no,� Charlie said with a shrug.� �I guess we were both able to
compartmentalize it.�

�That�s good.� It
would be a shame for you to have damaged the positive relationship that you�ve
developed with your brother over the recent years.�

�Yeah,� Charlie sighed.�
�Damaged.�

�But, Charles,� Larry said quietly.� �You obviously weren�t able to entirely
compartmentalize it.� You sound like you
were quite disturbed.�

�I was � I am.�� Charlie ran a shaky hand through his
hair.� �See � I�m afraid.� I�m afraid � �� God, I
can�t even say it.

Larry came around the desk and put a gentle hand on
Charlie�s shoulder. �What are you afraid of?�

�That I�m � that I�m �� Charlie put his hands over his face.

�Gay?� said Larry softly.�

Charlie�s head snapped up and he glared at Larry.� �What, does everyone know but me?�

�No, no,� Larry said quickly, waving his hands.� �I personally had no thoughts in that
direction until this very moment.� It was
just a logical source of your anxiety.�

�Logical,� Charlie said bitterly.� �Logical would be to be normal.�

�Not at all.�
Normality has nothing to do with logic.�
Normality is only defined by the set of common behaviors of a
population, and no one I know would claim that humans, in general, act in a
logical fashion.�

Charlie pondered that for a moment.

�Charles,� Larry said, his hand still
on Charlie�s shoulder.� �I have to ask,
in order to understand the nature of your dilemma, are you in love with Don?�

�Huh?�� Charlie
blinked.

�Are you romantically inclined towards your brother?�

�No!�� Charlie
snapped, then more quietly.� �No, thank God.� He � attracts me physically but that�s it.�

�Though you have always, shall we say, idolized him.�

�Yeah, but I think that�s normal for a younger brother.�

�Perhaps not to the extent that you do.�

Charlie frowned at him.�
�But � he�s Don.� He�s, well, Don.�

�Exactly,� Larry said, pulling up a chair to sit by
Charlie.� �That sort of idolization,
coupled with physical attraction, can often be interpreted as romantic love.�

�Urgh,� Charlie said.�
�Now we�re back to the original question � how do you tell if you�re in
love with someone?�

�Is it your brother that you are trying to define your
feelings towards?�

�No,� Charlie shook his head.� �No, there�s more to the story.� I feel about Don what I think I�ve always
felt about him, just not acknowledged to myself.� I love him, of course, but not love love.�

Larry nodded, looking somewhat relieved.� �I�m glad.�
That would be a complex problem indeed.�

�So you remember when I was kidnapped, of course.�

�Of course.�

�Colby and I � we thought we were gonna die there.� So I sort of pressed Colby as to how he felt
about me.� I�d noticed certain behaviors
by him that made me wonder if he � liked me.�

Before Larry could comment, Charlie said, �Yeah, yeah, if I
noticed it must have been totally obvious to everyone else.�

�I can�t say I ever noticed such behavior.�

�So I asked him,� Charlie said.� �And he admitted that he was in love with
me.�

Larry�s eyebrows went up again.� Charlie thought wryly that Larry should just
leave them in that position.�

�Yeah,� Charlie shrugged.�
�Who would have guessed?� A big,
macho Army guy like that liking me.�

�There is something to be said for opposites,� Larry said
generously.

�Then we went and survived the kidnapping.� But afterwards?� I couldn�t sleep.�

�Understandable,� Larry said.� �I�ll admit to losing some sleep myself,
knowing that you were taken right here from campus.�

�I eventually figured out that what I needed in order to
sleep was Colby, you know, holding me so I felt safe.�

Larry nodded thoughtfully.�
�He saved your life so it is logical that he could make you feel
safe.� Coupled with the knowledge that he
had romantic feelings towards you, turning to him seems a rational step.�

�Yeah.�� Charlie
rubbed his cheek, remembering those long agonizing nights before he had figured
out that he needed to be in Colby�s bed.�
�At first it was just sleeping, but that lead to � an awakening of
physical desire that remained unconsummated for quite a long time because of
Colby�s injuries.�� Charlie smiled.� �And then yesterday and the day before �
wow.� Colby�s ribs were better and it was
incredible and I don�t think it was just the anticipation.� God, it was incredible.�

Charlie leaned forward, saying earnestly.� �I like being with him too, in a non-sexual
sense.� He�s really gentle and
surprisingly smart and funny and patient.�
And we have a lot more in common than you might think.� And, well, he loves me, and seems to always
love me, not just come and go.� I spent a
great deal of time with him over the last month and a half and he�s really a
great guy.�

�So now you�re wondering �� Larry said.

�Yeah, wondering if I am in love with him,� Charlie
said.� �I don�t know how to figure it
out.� And � and �� Charlie cleared his
throat and continued more quietly.� �And
I worry that I�m just � attracted to Colby because of his � somewhat physical
similarity to Don.�

Larry looked at Charlie for a long moment.� Charlie flushed.� What would Larry think of him now?� He�d just admitted to multiple terrible
things � homosexuality, incest, promiscuity ��

�Larry?� Charlie asked tentatively.

�I can�t say that I ever expected this, but I�m glad that
you felt you could come to me.�

Charlie rubbed his hands together nervously.� �And?�

�And � I think that you have answered your own question.�

�What?�

�You come to me with a dilemma and, as is often the case,
you already have the answer.�� Larry
smiled at him.�

�What do you mean?�

�You told me that you are physically attracted to your
brother.�

Charlie winced.� It
sounded even more horrible when Larry said it out loud.

�But,� Larry continued, �You said that you weren�t in love
with Don.�

�Right.�

�So you�re attracted to your brother but know you aren�t in
love with him.� You�re attracted to Colby
� regardless of the reason � but aren�t sure if you�re in love with him.� How do you know that you�re not in love with
Don but wonder if you�re in love with Colby?�

Charlie frowned.� Good question.� If he was so sure that he wasn�t in love with
Don, he must already have some unconscious definition of love that his feelings
towards Don did not match.� He hated
unconscious definitions.�

�Do you love Megan?� Charlie asked.

�I am of that belief, yes.�

�How did you decide that you were?�

�I don�t think my definition would aid you any, since I�m
more comfortable with existential, non-tangible ways of thinking than you are.�

�Math is non-tangible,� Charlie protested.�

�Not to you,� Larry said.

Charlie shrugged and had to agree.� Numbers were as tangible to him as the chair
underneath him, the air he breathed, the impression on his visual cortex of
Larry sitting in front of him.

A loud knocking on the door and a call of �Dr. Eppes!��

Charlie glared at the door.

�Dr. Eppes,� the voice said relentlessly, �Your Numbers
Theory class was supposed to have started ten minutes ago.�

Charlie groaned and pushed up from his chair.� It was probably just as well.� He had a feeling that he�d gotten as much as
he could from conversation with Larry.�
Charlie felt closer to an answer, but not close enough.� Certainly not close enough to allow him to
admit his confused feelings to Colby.

With a sigh, he went to teach his class.
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It Changes Everything: Charlie