Angel

ANGEL

ANGEL

By
Morticia
34/60

Part 34
 

ANGEL
As the young man
turned and limped away, his dignified words belied by the dejected hunching
of his shoulders, I could feel Chakotay trembling slightly under my arm as though
he was having to physically restrain himself from following. I didn’t need a
diagram to understand that the stranger had obviously been Chakotay’s lover
until my unexpected arrival.
The offer to remove
his "things" was as blatant a clue as a slap in the face, but even
without his words I had seen the naked pain and longing on the young man’s face
as he looked at Chakotay. I would have recognised that look anywhere – I had
seen it in the mirror enough times.
Voyager had been
lost for many years. It was unrealistic to think that my beloved would have
remained faithful to me for all this time, although I had never considered betraying
HIM. I knew my feelings of hurt were unreasonable under the strange circumstances
but the accompanying feeling of fear was very real.
The stranger had
an ethereal beauty that had fixated me instantly. He was pale and sickly looking,
his body tall by human standards yet so thin that I imagined he could be blown
over by a sharp word. His haunted eyes were the piercing blue of a clear summer
sky, his young face delicately etched with faint lines of both laughter and
sorrow. It was an expressive, interesting, beautiful face in sharp comparison
to my own monotonously symmetrical features.
He made me feel
monstrous in comparison. My hulking form seemed graceless next to his. I felt
like a gross, lumbering, overgrown oaf in contrast. I could visualize his slender
body wrapped securely in Chakotay’s arsmalsmall and delicate enough to fulfill
my beloved’s all consuming need to care and protect. I could imagine how perfectly
his frail body would mould with Chakotay’s denser frame. They simply looked
as though they were designed for each other.
How could I compete
with his fragile, exquisite charm?
I couldn’t help
a small moan of distress escaping my lips. Hearing me, Chakotay turned in my
arms to face me, although he couldn’t quite mmy emy eyes.
"I’m sorry"
he whispered
"Who is he?"
I asked quietly "Other than your lover, I mean."
We both flinched
at the bitterness of my words.
"His name
is Tom, Tom Paris." Chakotay mumbled
"Paris?"
I queried my misery slightly distracted as the name reminded me of my promise
to the families of Voyager’s crew. I turned to the Captain, who had been quy
y
waiting with surprising patience.
"I have messages
for all of you." I told her
"Admiral Owen
Paris contacted me before I set off. He has been co-ordinating the Starfleet
efforts to rescue you. In the hope that I would succeed in finding you, he supplied
me with vids and tapes from all of your families. I have also brought a large
supply of replacement power cells, general spare parts and a schematic for a
new enhanced warp-drive."
"The artificial
worm-hole that you used to get here, can it take Voyager home?"

"Not in its
current state. It is far too narrow at the moment and its Verteron fields are
subject to quantum fluctuations. Without careful navigation we would be likely
to arrive in a completely different time."
"I understand,
we’ve experienced that phenomena before" the Captain said thoughtfully.
I remembered that Admiral Paris had commended Captain Janeway’s scientific acumen
and realised that it might be easier to explain the difficulties than I had
expected.
"It will have
to be widened from this side by some exotic matter."
"Such as a
warp-core breach." The Captain murmured, her brow creased in concentration

"Indeed, although
I suggest using a shuttle for that part of the operation." I grinned.

"Well I was
hardly suggesting that we blew up Voyager, it would be rather counterproductive"
The Captain laughed delightedly
"There is
a considerable gravometric pressure inside the tunnel. Voyager will need to
move faster than she was originally designed for, just to get through before
her hull buckles under the strain, even with the considerable enhanced shield
adjustments that I can suggest."
"But it will
work?"
"Oh, yes.
With just a few more weeks of work you will all be back in the Alpha Quadrant."
I replied confidently. There was little point in telling her that the odds of
Voyager surviving the journey were significantly lower than my words suggested.

The chirping of
her comm badge interrupted us.
"Janeway here"

"Could you
come to sickbay please, Captain" An oddly precise male voice asked her.

"Can it wait,
Doctor?" The Captain asked in exasperation, obviously keen to continue
our discussion.
"No, Captain,
it is imperative that you come immediately."
"What’s the
problem?"
"I’d rather
not discuss it over an open comm link."
"Very well,
I’m on my way." She tapped her badge to end the communication and then
turned to me ruefully.
"We’ll have
to discuss this later. Perhaps in the meantime you can arrange for the download
of your messages. And then I suggest that you both take the opportunity for
a private discussion. I believe that there are personal issues that you need
to address." And she nodded significantly at Chakotay, who had stood silently
through our conversation.
I noted his dark
skin flush at the Captain’s words and I was overwhelmed with dread again. Surely
I hadn’t come this far only to lose him again.
It wasn’t fair.

"Let’s go
somewhere more comfortable to talk" Chakotay murmured, still refusing to
look me in the eye.
I followed him
silently, plagued by doubts and insecurities. I had felt him respond to me like
always, swept away by my physical presence, but at the same time I was dreadfully
aware that he was keeping his soul locked away. His refusal to look into my
eyes proved his feelings of guilt. I could only hope that they didn’t also hide
his intention to reject me.
As we approached
the door, it opened from the other side and a small oriental man burst through.
I noted from his uniform that he was an ensign and I struggled to remember him
from the list of crew that Admiral Paris had given me. Kim, that was it, Ensign
Harry Kim. I had messages for him from his parents.
"Hello, Harry
Kim" I said with a friendly smile. He looked at me and stopped mesmerized,
his angry face suddenly confused. It was an effect on people that I had become
used to, the first moment when they realise that they are looking at someone
not-quite human. It’s odd, no matter how well people deal with aliens of all
shapes and sizes, they never can quite stomach Herans. We are both too human
and yet too obviously artificial for comfort.
Then Mr. Kim shook
his head and turned to Chakotay. Rage infused his features again and forgetting
me completely he sprang forwards.
"You fucking
BASTARD!" he screamed at my beloved and Chakotay just blinked in complete
shock. He evidently didn’t see the fist coming because the younger man’s punch
to his jaw completely pole-axed him.
I felt the familiar
weakness in my limbs as adrenaline shot through my veins and had the affect
on my strange physiology of making me as weak as a day-old kitten. I could only
watch in horror as Chakotay struggled back to his feet only to be pummeled by
the young man’s furious fists.
All the time Harry
Kim was striking Chakotay, he was screaming torrents of abuse and tears were
pouring down his face.
"Fucker, Bastard"
he howled, over and over, punctuating his words with blows as Chakotay, still
stunned by the first good punch, struggled to keep his feet and block the younger
man’s fists.
To my relief the
air shimmered and half a dozen security people beamed into the room and quickly
separated the two men. I ran to grab Chakotay who was swaying drunkenly. As
he sagged against me, one of the rescuers stepped forwards, he was a Vulcan.

"Please escort
Mr. Kim to his quarters" he said quietly to the guards who were restraining
the furious young man.
I was shocked.
Why hadn’t he been hauled to the brig? Surely discipline had not broken down
so much on Voyager that an ensign could strike a superior officer with impunity?

"Chakotay
needs your Sick bay" I said to the Vulcan. He turned his gaze on me and
considered for a long moment before replying.
"Sick bay
is occupied, right now. I will have you both transported to the Commander’s
quarters. I am sure that there is a medical kit in there."

"I think he’s
concussed." I protested.
The Vulcan merely
raised one eyebrow dispassionately
"Indeed"
he said coldly and before I could question his evident lack of concern at Chakotay’s
injuries I felt the familiar tingle of a transporter beam and Chakotay and I
materialized in his quarters.
I helped Chakotay
to the couch and looking frantically around, finally identified the door to
the bathroom and hurried to find a med.-kit. I was terrified to find him passed
out, but thankfully the medical tricorder only registered a mild but not dangerous
concussion. It was not until I had wiped the blood from his split lips and judiciously
applied a regenerator to his swollen jaw, that I took the time to consider the
disaster that was Chakotay’s quarters.
While he had never
been the neatest of people to live with, I did not believe that the desecration
of his room could be anything but the revenge of a furious spurned lover.

Everywhere I could
see wanton destruction. Vids were scattered on the floor from a broken shelf.
Several pictures were smashed. A photo had been so badly slashed that I could
barely make out the images in it.
Slowly, however,
I realised that the destruction was not total. The picture of Chakotay’s family
had been untouched. A shelf of what I identified as copies of his favourite
vids was unscathed. His medicine bundle was safely sitting on a small table.

That’s when I realised
that it was Tom’s own possessions that had been destroyed. Instead of taking
his things he had destroyed them, leaving all of Chakotay’s possessions unharmed.

With a sinking
feeling of dread, I began to understand the hostility of Harry Kim and the Vulcan.
There was only one reason I could think of why Tom Paris would have destroyed
his belongings...because he didn’t need them anymore. I remembered the Vulcan
saying that Sickbay was occupied, and I had a terrible feeling that I knew who
by.
For a moment I
was filled with pity for the fragile young man. He had seen Chakotay choose
me, or to be honest to at least APPEAR to choose me and had decided that he
didn’t want to survive the abandonment. I empathized. Had Chakotay informed
me that he had chosen Tom, I would have done the same.
Then desperate
anger began to fill me. If he was in sickbay then he had presumably failed.
When Chakotay found out what he had done, he would be overcome with guilt. w would undoubtedly decide that Tom needed him more than I did. I began to tremble
in fear and from my fear, hate blossomed for the man who would steal my beloved
from me.
"Die"
I hissed, sending my mental hatred to wherever Tom was lying, "Just die,
damn it. He’s mine. I won’t ever let you have him. Die, damn you. Please just
die."
Then shame overwhelmed
me and I sank onto the couch next to Chakotay and gathered his sleeping body
into my arms, hugging him desperately, wishing that I never had to let go of
him again.
A mad desperate
plan formed in my head. I could just grab his unconscious body and take him
back to my ship. My ship was fitted with sophisticated cloaking devices. We
would be through the wormhole and back in the Alpha Quadrant before anyone even
knew we had gone and without my help Voyager would be unable to widen the wormhole
enough to follow.
Tom Paris, if he
survived, would be an old man before he got a chance to steal Chakotay away
again.
Part 35/60


KATHRYN

When I entered
sickbay and saw the ruin that had been Tom Paris, I was assaulted by a vivid
flashback to the day of his original accident. His corpse was as white as alabaster
under a violent film of blood. His head was just a wound of slashed skin. He
had been completely scalped.
He was dead.

Tom was dead.

My young vibrant
pilot, who had suffered so much, survived so much, had died just weeks from
our return to the Alpha Quadrant.
He would never
get the chance to return in glory, his past forgiven. He would never get the
chance to go home and restore his relationship with his father.

He was dead, finally
broken beyond any ability to repair, and Chakotay and I were to blame.

I felt my knees
give way as guilt and sorrow overwhelmed me and I sank to the floor of Sickbay,
wailing in horror.
 

 

ANGEL

Grabbing a blanket
from his bed, I wrapped Chakotay carefully and hoisted him effortlessly in my
arms. He moaned and stirred a little and I froze in terror that he would wake
but then his breathing slowed again and he lapsed back into unconsciousness.

I realised that
I only had a short time to implement my plan. I didn’t dare sedate him in case
it harmed him. I had very little medical knowledge, since my own people were
so rarely ill, but I was fairly sure that sedatives and concussion were a bad
combination.
Swiftly I rushed
to the door with my precious burden, only to find that it refused to open. I
stepped back and then forward again to trigger the mechanism. Still the door
would not comply. Furiously I realised in amazement that someone had locked
the bloody door.
Swallowing my howl
of outrage, in fear of waking my beloved, I ran back to the bedroom and deposited
Chakotay carefully on the bed. Then I rushed back to the door and pried at it
with frantic fingers but even with all of my superhuman strength I couldn't
get it to open.
I battered in furious
panic at the resisting metal but to no avail. The more I panicked, the weaker
I became. Fear was draining all my ability to struggle. So, forced to stop my
assault, I trembled in indecision. Then inspiration hit me. Transporters. Of
course, I could tap into Voyager’s transporters and beam us into my ship.

I rushed to Chakotay’s
terminal and tapped into the control pad. It stayed black and unresponsive.
The damned thing was off line.
I tried the comm.
unit but it had also been deactivated.
Bastards.

Guiltily, I wondered
whether they had guessed my plan. Then I realised that it was more likely that
they were protecting Chakotay from the knowledge of Tom’s evident suicide bid.
This was probably just their way of ensuring that Chakotay couldn't rush to
Tom's side.
I sank down on
my haunches in despair and cried.
 

KATHRYN

I was forcibly
shaken out of my misery by the Doctor’s bewildered cry of "Captain? Are
you alright?"
I looked up at
him, his face blurred with my tears.
"How did he
do it?" I asked, not really caring what the answer was. After all, What
did it matter now?
"He cut one
of his wrists, Captain. For some reason he was in the guest quarters and he
found an old style razor in the bathroom cabinet."
Miserably I remembered
that Voyager’s guest quarters stocked all manner of strange obsolete implements
to pander to a visitor’s whims. I could vaguely picture a razor being a thin
sharp blade to shave body hair. It seemed impossible that Tom could have used
such an innocuous item to kill himself.
"If he hadn’t
been found, his suicide attempt would have definitely been successful."
The Doctor told me solemnly.
As the implication
of his words hit me, I reeled with confusion.
"You mean
he’s not dead? I thought – I thought…" my words trailed off as I realised
that Tom’s corpse-like pallor was the result of blood-loss not death.

I struggled to
my feet and rushed to Tom’s bed, grabbing one of Tom’s frozen hands, my fingers
searching for and then finding a pulse. It was weak and intermittent, but it
was there. I sagged with relief.
"Are you positive
that it was a suicide attempt?" I pleaded desperately, "Couldn't it
have been an accident or at least just a cry for help?"
"Given the
amount of self-mutilation before he slashed his wrist, I doubt that he was in
a state of mind to make a deliberate ‘cry for help’ Captain. That would take
a degree of pre-tatitation that I judge he was incapable of. Besides, he had
no reason to suppose he would be found in time to be saved."

"Who did find
him?" I asked in confusion
The Doctor looked
momentarily sheepish
"I - um -
well I always had an auto-response life sign monitor on Tom when he was paralyzed
and Iply ply forgot to remove it after he returned from V'rakn." He confessed
"As soon as his condition became critical he was immediately transported
here and I was brought on line to treat him."
"Thank god
you did" I breathed "He's so pale, he looks terrible. Are you sure
that he will survive?"
"To be honest,
I'm not 100 percent sure yet, although his chances are good. He sliced an artery
and lost so much blood that it was almost impossible to revive him. It complicated
matters that he has a rare blood type and my reserves were already low, given
his previous accident. Fortunately Harry Kim is the same blood group and I hooked
him straight into the transfusion."
"Where is
Harry now?" I asked in concern. I was well aware of how close Tom and Harry
were. Harry must have been shattered by Tom’s suicide attempt.
"I’m not sure,
as soon as he saw that Tom was stable, he shot off without explanation. He was
very distraught."
"I can imagine.
I hope he’s alright. Damn, what a mess. I should never have let Tom go off alone."

"I still don't
understand what happened, Captain. I know that he was looking forwards to his
wedding, but surely a mere delay would not have affected him so drastically?
Could the news of our imminent return to the Alpha Quadrant have terrified him
so badly? Surely he’s still not afraid of going back to jail?"

I realised that
the Doctor had not been informed of the ‘other’ implication of Angel's arrival.

"No, I don’t
believe Tom’s actions have anything to do with the prospect of us returning
home. His problems are here on Voyager. I think the wedding has been cancelled,
at least I'm sure that Tom believes it has."
"Why?"

"Because the
ship that arrived to rescue us was piloted by an old flame of Chakotay, and
it appears that the Commander is now having second thoughts about where his
loyalties should lie."
The Doctor looked
at me in stunned comprehension
"You mean
he is leaving Tom for this person?"
"I don't know.
Possibly" I admitted
If I had ever doubted
the Doctor’s capacity for true emotion, the fury on his holographic face now
would have convinced me
"I don't believe
it. Tom and Chakotay have been through so much together. They love each other.
How could Chakotay turn his back on Tom after everything that has happened?
He knows how much Tom needs him. Surely this proves it more than anything. Why
isn't he here? "
Tuvok, who had
entered silently to join our discussion, answered the Doctor’s question.

"I have had
him and his "guest" beamed to his quarters. I have enforced a communications
blackout on his room and have locked his door. He is probably unaware of Tom's
actions and certainly is unable to act on them, even if he is." He said
calmly, unperturbed by my immediate outrage at his words.
"That is a
drastic step to have taken, Mr. Tuvok. I don't believe that it is Starfleet
procedure to put a senior officer under house arrest simply because he has the
bad taste to stand someone up at the alter." I snapped furiously. "You
have exceeded your authority with such an arbitrary decision."

"I made my
decision after being forced to restrain Mr. Kim from killing him." Tuvok
replied coolly
"Harry?"
I said in disbelief, I couldn't imagine Harry attacking a senior officer even
if his life depended on it.
"It appears
that Ensign Kim has taken Tom's suicide bid very personally. He attacked the
Commander in the shuttle bay. My security officers had to physically restrain
him."
"I presume
he is in the brig."
"No, he's
been escorted to his quarters."
"What? He's
attacked a senior officer. I don't care what reason he thought he had. Why haven't
you arrested him?"
"Because in
my opinion Mr. Kim was not responsible for his actions. He was temporarily insane
with grief. Furthermore, I suspect that there are a great many of the crew who
would sympathise with his reaction."
"I take it
that you are included in that number!" I snapped, shocked but secretly
comforted by the fact that my own deep anger at Chakotay's apparent betrayal
of Tom was obviously shared by my estranged husband.
I wondered whether
he blamed me for the situation as much as I blamed myself.
"I cannot
condone such acts of violence on my ship, Tuvok"
"Indeed. That
is why I have locked Chakotay in his room. For his own protection. At least
until this situation is resolved."
After a long pause,
while I thought about all the possible scenarios that might unfold as the rumor
mill spread the news of Tom's act of desperation, I nodded reluctant approval
of Tuvok's actions.
"You're right.
Besides, the last thing Tom needs right now is Chakotay running in here and
making more promises that he might later break."
"I agree,
Captain. In my opinion, should Tom survive his suicide attempt, his only chance
of recovering mentally would be if he does not see Chakotay again. From what
I have witnessed, their volatile relationship has done nothing but harm to him.
It is time someone stepped in and convinced him that enough is enough."
Tuvok stated
"I disagree"
The Doctor stated firmly, "Chakotay should be forced to face up to the
consequences of his actions. Besides, what harm will it do Tom to wake up and
find out that Chakotay hasn’t even come to see if he’s alright?"

"Less harm
than if Tom uses Chakotay as an emotional prop to recover and then finds that
support removed yet again. It would be far better for him to come to terms with
the necessity to rebuild his own self-esteem. He needs to learn to value himself
as more than just an extension of his relationship with Chakotay."

Tuvok intoned gravely

"But he loves
Chakotay so much" I murmured, remembering the truth revealed to me by Tuvok's
mindmeld.
"If he loved
poison, would you let him drink it?" Tuvok asked caustically

"Poison? I
think that your analogy is rather extreme" The Doctor huffed.

"Tom's feelings
for Chakotay border on the obsessive." Tuvok explained "It is evidently
unhealthy for him to be so dependent on another person. Tom's feelings for Chakotay
are as damaging as if he was addicted to a lethal narcotic. He has been trapped
in a manic-depressive cycle for months. I admit that I encouraged him in his
pursuit of the Commander because I believed their feelings were mutual. I was,
however, obviously mistaken."
"I tend to
agree with you, Tuvok. However, as you know I have interfered too much in their
relationship already." I admitted guiltily "I will not make the same
mistake again. When Tom wakes up, and he will, he has to, we will ask him what
HE wants to do. In the meantime, keep Chakotay out of the loop for as long as
possible."
Tuvok looked at
me thoughtfully for a long time, as though reading my soul. He then raised his
hand tentatively, searching my face for permission. At my nod of acquiescence
he touched me lightly on the forehead and melded with me. I relaxed myself into
his touch; all defenses down, letting him delve deeply into my innermost thoughts.

As though a floodgate
opened I felt a warm psychic blanket of affection and forgiveness wrap around
me and I sank gratefully into his welcoming embrace and began to cry softly
with relief that he had finally forgiven me.
 

ANGEL

A couple of hours
passed and still the rest of the crew ignored our presence. Nobody came to tell
us what was going on. The comm. unit stayed off-line and the door remained locked.
There was no attempt to even check that Chakotay was all right after the attack.

Which meant they
evidently blamed him for whatever Tom had done to himself.
I knew that Chakotay
was likely to wake up at any moment. When he realised he was locked in his quarters
he would go crazy. He might even make the same educated guess as me as to the
reason for his ‘imprisonment’.
It was imperative
that I distracted that line of thought.
I needed to buy
a little time. I would make the most of this opportunity to remind Chakotay
why he loved me better than that pale weakling Tom Paris.
Despite all of
Chakotay’s natural kindness and the gentleness of his spirit, sexually he was
a different person, often violent and out of control. I imagined that Tom’s
frail body required an amount of self-restraint on Chakotay’s part that must
ultimately leave him unfulfilled.
I needed to re-awaken
that ravaging spirit in him, remind him that I could gladly and willingly take
all the passion he had to give.
My physical strength
and the natural regenerative abilities of my body were weapons that Tom could
not fight. Quite simply, Tom might fulfill Chakotay’s protective needs even
better than I might but he couldn’t possibly compete with me for pure sexual
gratification.
So I carefully
undressed Chakotay, reveling in the sight of his strong, muscular body and then
I stripped and slipped into bed next to him, wrapping my legs and arms lovingly
around his beautiful bronze frame.
When he woke he
might have a hell of a headache, but I knew him well enough to know that it
wouldn't stop his automatic reaction to waking next to my naked, inviting body.

As long as I could
get him to fuck me before he realised what had happened to Tom, I would be more
than halfway to winning him back.
 

Part 36/60

TOM

 

When I first woke
in sickbay, and found myself attached to a bio-bed I panicked. I couldn’t remember
how or why I had got there. I shut my eyes tightly, hoping that it was a dream,
just a horrific flashback to my paralysis. But as the steady drone of medical
equipment and the all too familiar sterile smell of sickbay pervaded my senses
I felt an overwhelming terror creep over me and I began to hyperventilate.

I felt the hiss
of a hypospray at my neck and felt my breathing slowly return to normal. The
relief was enough for me to cautiously open my eyes again to stare in confusion
into the concerned eyes of Tuvok, the Doctor and Kathryn.
"Where - why-?"
I croaked and then a snatch of memory hit me and I groaned in helpless misery
and embarrassment. I had done something stupid. I couldn’t remember exactly
what, but I knew it was something terrible. I moaned in shame.
"It's okay,
Tom." The Doctor said soothingly "You're in Sickbay. Do you remember
what happened?"
I shook my head
plaintively and then heat flushed my face as an image popped into my head. I
could see myself looking in a mirror at my own bald bleeding scalp. Tentatively
I reached up to feel my head. Instead of the skin I half expected, or the long
thick hair which was more likely, my fingers met soft down. I gasped as I realised
that my image had been a true memory, only I couldn’t remember anything else.

"I regenerated
your skin, Tom and encouraged the regrowth of your hair follicles but the Captain
presumed you would prefer me to leave it short." The Doctor explained gently

Short? I looked
at him in bewilderment. Why would I prefer it short? Chakotay liked my hair
long…
And with that thought,
the rest of my memories swept over me like a tidal wave, and I drowned in a
jumbled flash of nightmare images.
"NO. It’s
not true. I never intended to kill myself." I protested frantically but
my words were met by unbelieving, pitying stares.
"I mean, I
didn’t actually mean to do it, I just wanted to stop looking like HIM and I
got carried away, I think. I just kind-of lost control." I explained desperately,
so ashamed of my undeniable cowardice that I just wanted to curl up in a ball
and disappear.
"Evidently"
Tuvok said but his voice was oddly sympathetic rather than the judgmental condemnation
I expected.
"Oh God, he’ll
be so mad at me!" I sobbed in panic, "He’ll think I did it on purpose
to make him come back." And then suddenly I realised his absence from the
room
"Is that why
he isn’t here? Is he that furious with me?" I queried miserably. The Doctor
looked helplessly at the Captain, obviously unwilling to answer my question.

"He must hate
me," I concluded sadly.
"He doesn’t
know, Tom. I wanted to give you the chance to recover a bit before you saw him."
The Captain told me gently.
Oh God, I wanted
to see him NOW! I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and pretend he loved
me. I wanted to bury my head in his shoulders and believe, if only for a short
time, that I really mattered to him. My need to see him was like a physical
ache.
"I don’t want
to see him" I whispered brokenly "I don’t ever want to see him again."

"Are you sure,
Tom?" The Doctor asked in surprise and I was so tempted to take back my
words and admit that the truth was I simply couldn’t bear to live without Chakotay.
But despite my earlier actions, there was still some degree of self-respect
left in my battered soul.
"Positive.
I wanted him to leave me on V’rakn but he wouldn’t. I knew that he wouldn’t
stay with me. That he’d leave me again. He always does. I just can’t take it
anymore. The not knowing. The promises and the lies. It’s like living on a cliff-edge,
always knowing that the next step could make me fall off."

"He loves
you, Tom, I know he does, he just isn’t good at making a commitment or expressing
his feelings." The Doctor said in a kind attempt to make me feel better.

"He doesn’t
seem to have a problem with expressing his feelings about Angel" I said
with bitter honesty. "He always told me that he would leave me if we got
home."
My words seemed
to stun the other occupants of the room.
"What a bastard!"
The Captain swore uncharacteristically. Even Tuvok’s usually expressionless
face curled into a faint sneer. I was horrified at their evident anger. I hadn’t
meant to make Chakotay look bad. I hastened to explain.
"You don’t
understand. He’s been honest with me all along. He never pretended to really
love me. I’ve always known that Angel was the one he wanted. I was always just
a substitute. It’s my own fault. He warned me and I didn’t listen, I didn’t
want to listen. I just hoped that we’d never get home." Then realising
that I sounded as though I didn’t appreciate the Captain’s efforts I flushed
with renewed embarrassment
"Sorry, Captain.
I know it was selfish of me." I apologized, hanging my head in shame.

She patted me softly
on the shoulder, her touch conveying her forgiveness of my selfish wish. Then
she stiffened, obviously struck by a new thought.
"So what was
the wedding all about? Was he intending to divorce you when we reached home?"
She asked incredulously
"No, he said
that marriage is sacred to his people. If we had managed to complete the ceremony
he would have ho sto stay with me." I admitted
"You must
be so devastated that Angel arrived when he did." She murmured sympathetically

I looked at her
in surprise. She just didn’t get it.
"Oh no, you
don’t understand. I’m glad Angel arrived when he did. The only thing worse than
Chakotay leaving me would be him staying with me out of a sense of duty. He’d
hate me and he’d be unhappy and therefore so would I. At least this way Chakotay
can be happy. I can’t bear to think that I’d be the cause of his suffering.
I love him too much."
 

KATHRYN

I looked helplessly
at Tuvok. My heart was breaking at Tom’s pathetic attempts to justify Chakotay’s
behavior.
How could I have
been so wrong about the dynamics of Tom and Chakotay’s relationship? I had seen
Tom as a leech, selfishly draining the life and vitality out of Chakotay. Now
I could see it from the other perspective and it sickened me.
Chakotay had taken
a vulnerable young man and selfishly used him for his own gratification, always
planning to cast him aside if we got home.
Even now, Tom was
as blind to Chakotay’s faults as I had once been and I knew that unless he could
find some righteous anger, some sense that he had been abused, then Tom would
undoubtedly end up finishing what the Doctor had prevented.
Tuvok drew me aside
to speak privately.
"Don’t make
another mistake, Kathryn.t; Ht; He whispered "Nothing is black and white.
There are many shades of grey in human relationships. While I am sure that the
only solution to Tom’s current unhappiness is to put Chakotay behind him, it
is illogical to assume that Chakotay’s affection for Tom was just a facade."

"But you heard
what Tom said, Chakotay always said he would leave him if he got home."

"Yes, but
he was also prepared to marry him and thus take away his own choice to leave.
That is not the action of someone who does not care. In a few weeks we will
all meet the ghosts of our old life. We both left partners in the Alpha Quadrant.
It will not be easy to just cast them aside. Even though they have both moved
on with their lives, as we have, it will be difficult to reconcile our new relationship
with the old."
"But Chakotay’s
old partner didn’t move on."
"Exactly."

"What are
we going to do?"
"Nothing.
There’s nothing anybody can do, except be here for them both if they need to
talk, and keep a 24-hour suicide watch on Tom, of course."

"He’ll try
it again, won’t he?" I asked sadly
"Indeed."
Tuvok replied.
 

ANGEL

 

I dozed for a long
time, simply reveling in Chakotay’s closeness, enjoying the warmth of his velvet
skin on my own naked body. Then I heard his breathing change and he moved slightly,
obviously waking up.
Bending over to
kiss his beautiful full lips, I saw his eyes flicker open. His gaze was still
slightly glazed and out of focus but his lips responded to mine with hunger.

I slipped a hand
between his thighs and felt his cock spring immediately to attention. Still
raiding his hot sweet mouth with my tongue, I stroked his cock, feeling it firm
and enlarge in my hand. His eyes grew even more glazed as the blood rushed to
his groin and he moaned deep in his throat like a contented cat.

I ran my index
finger over his weeping slit, gathering his pre-cum and then using it to loosen
the tight muscles of my sphincter. I was so hot and aroused that it took very
little time to loosen myself.
Gracefully I straddled
him and then sank slowly down, impaling myself on his rigid cock. As his velvet
smoothness slid inside my ass, stretching and filling me, I gasped with delight.
It felt as though I had been waiting an eternity for this moment, but all of
my efforts to find him were finally worthwhile.
Finally, Chakotay
was mine again.
"Ohhhhhhh"
Chakotay moaned deliriously as I began to move myself up and down his shaft,
faster and faster, using gravity and my considerable body weight to drive him
so deep inside me that my prostate was thumped on each downstroke.

Chakotay’s eyes
were closed, his face flushed, his fingers clenching desperately at the sheets
as I rode him furiously.
"Oh yeah,
babe, oh that’s good, oh that’s so nice" he gasped as my rhythm increased.

Ignoring the strain
in my thighs, I bobbed up and down on his cock, slowing my rhythm whenever I
saw him arch towards climax and speeding up again when the danger had passed.
I wanted this to last as long as possible.
But eventually
I either mistook my rhythm or he was simply too aroused to stop and he arched
into me, his hands suddenly grasping my waist and forcefully ramming me down
into his thrust. The sudden unexpected violence of his assault made my own cock
erupt and I screamed and my ass clenched tightly on its invader.

Squeezed by my
contracting muscles, Chakotay instantly came with a howl, filling me with his
cum and then spent he collapsed back on to the pillow, gasping for breath.

I sat there in
ecstasy, feeling his softened cock sliding out of my sore ass on a river of
cum.
"Oh god, babe,
that was so hot" he whispered sleepily, and tears of joy formed in my eyes.

"Was it really
good, Chak?" I whispered, needing some more reassurance before he passed
out again.
"It was fantastic,
Babe" he yawned
"So you won’t
leave me?" I begged desperately
"I’ll never
leave you, Tom, I love you" he muttered and fell back asleep.

Stunned and shattered,
I could only sit there in absolute shock and horror, watching his chest rise
and fall as he slept innocently, unaware of the knife that had pierced my heart.

 


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to Part 37