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Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2608 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Warning: Possible squick. Strife is producing milk now, getting ready to feed Lump. This hasn't slowed him and Cupe down. In fact, it's incorporated a little into their play.
Tha Birds, an' Tha Bees, an' All That Othah Good Shit
Month Nine: Approachin Critical Mass

"Strife, what did I tell you about over doing it?"

"Ah, c'mon, Cupe. I'm sittin down, ain't I?"

"Strife, honey, that isn't the point. Look, it isn't just that you can clean those windows by flashing them clean..."

"I like ta make sure that I get all tha streaks out, an' these old scrolls work terrific. See, tha oil in tha ink keeps them from leavin smears."

"Strife, the point is that we didn't even have glass windows when I left. You had to create them in order to have an excuse to clean them, which you really shouldn't be doing in your condition."

I grunted, startin ta heave myself up. I sloshed murky watah on my pants, an' said, "Poop."

Cupid felt my forehead. "Babe?"

"I'm tryin ta be careful of tha language. Lump is so close ta bein here I wouldn't be surprised if an ear hadn't already popped out somewhere."

"Right, which is why you should be taking it easy." He flashed away tha bowl an' papahs, looped his arms around me, an' heaved me tha rest of tha way up. When he got me verticle he leaned ovah my swollen belly an' kissed me. He framed my tummy with his hands, spreadin them out on eithah side, an' cooed down at it, "Lazy ol' Lump. You should have been here at least a week ago. Enjoy it while you can, kid. Once you're here and start growning up, you'll be kept busy with your duties--whatever they're gonna be." He glanced up at me. "No news on that front, I take it?"

I shook my head. "Why tha Tartarus couldn't itta been Hera in charge of passin out tha assignments? Dite woulda been able ta wiggle it outta her." I sniffed. "Outta tha way, lover. I got buns in tha oven."

As I pushed past him, Cupe said, "I know you have a bun in the oven, Strife. You don't have to..." Suddenly his voice rose. "Strife! You don't mean that...?"

"Ah, cripes, Cupe, no! Don't worry about anothah triple J experience." I shuddahed. "I love Joxie, Jace is amusin, an' Jett's cool in a scary sorta way, but no! No, we just got Lump, singulah. I mean that I got buns in tha oven." I bustled ovah ta tha little room I'd added on our bedroom about a month before.

Cupid heaved a sigh. "I keep forgetting that you added a kitchen. We have to be the only gods on Olympus with a working kitchen."

"Yah, well..." I opened tha oven, lettin tha warm, yeasty smell wash ovah me. "Bakin is a lotta fun--as long as ya don't hafta do it." I materialized a thick cloth an' started ta lift tha heavy wooden bakin sheet outta tha oven. Cupe slapped me lightly on tha back of tha head an' took the cloth away, pickin up tha board an' settin it on tha table. When Cupe reached for one I slapped his hand. "Lay off for a minute, greedy. Ya want blistahs on yer fingahs?"

Cupid tried ta snatch one again. "Like I can't heal them?"

I batted his hand away again. "Quittit. I still gotta ice 'em. Have some of tha fig cake I made yestahday, or I made a nice custard this mornin."

Cupid created a plate and helped himself to a hefty portion of both. "I'm going to end up gaining as much weight as you have if Lump doesn't get here soon."

"It's a measure of how anxious I am ta get my kid here an' how much I love ya that I ain't even ticked with ya fah that remark." I separated eggs, then mentally whipped tha whites till they were nice an' fluffy, sweetinin them with honey. No, I didn't do that by hand. Shit, I was domestic, but I wasn't a masochist. *giggle* Well, not ta tha extent of workin my arm off whippin egg whites, anyway. Cupe was leanin back against tha wall, eatin, an' his crotch was kinda pushed out. I licked my lips. Well, I might be willin, dependin on what tha meringue was goin on. "Where's Bliss?"

"Taking a nap." He paused, a spoon of golden custard halfway ta his mouth, an' smiled. "Why?"

I waved my hand, an' tha buns were iced. Tha pastry buns, not Cupe's. That wasn't tha part of his anatomy I had my mind on right then. I sidled ovah an' sorta rubbed against him. "Hey, sailah. New in town?"

Cupid smiled. "Why sir, what are you suggesting?"

"Well, I was just thinkin, since we don't have tha problems about clean up that those poor mortal shnooks do..." I reached ovah ta tha counter an' picked up a small flask, wigglin it at him. He lifted one eyebrow. "Honey. I happen ta have some left ovah from that baklava I did yestahday."

Cupid quickly scraped tha last of tha food inta his mouth, put away tha dish, an' grabbed my hand, pullin me back inta tha bedroom. "How are we going to do this?" Once uponna time this had just meant pickin an' choosin what struck our whims. Lately it was a mattah of logistics. Lump hadda be taken inta considahration.

I sat on tha edge of tha bed, spreadin my knees. "I think ya can still get close enough this way." His pants disappeahed as he stepped up between my knees. "Hey! No fair startin without me!" I ran my fingahs up tha length of his half-hard cock, lovin tha way he twitched at my touch. I took tha stoppah outta tha flask, covahed tha neck with one fingah, an' turned it upside down for a second. My fingahtip was coated with golden, sticky liquid when I set it back down. I gently smeared tha honey ovah his cockhead, pausin ta tickle tha little slit. I could feel him swellin even more.

I bent forwahd. In this position, my tummy could fit between my thighs, an' I could reach. I couldn't lean ovah far enough ta reach around an' get a fingah inta Cupe, but we made do. I held Cupe with both hands an' started cleanin his glans with tha tiniest licks I could manage. Once I had that clean I dribbled a stream down his cock, twirlin tha flask so that it spiralled around from tip ta base.

I went ahead an' got ridda tha flask, since I didn't think we were gonna last long enough ta use any more of it. I took tha rosy head gently between my fingah tips an' whispahed, "Now, I'm gonna hafta work from tha bottom up. If I don't, it's gonna collect on yer balls an' I don't think I can bend ovah far enough ta suck 'em in this position."

"Do you hear me complaining?"

I caught tha first sweet, gold dribble before it could fall inta tha curly hairs around tha base of his cock. I got my cheeks a little sticky when I hadda bend his staff down a little so I could flick my tongue across tha inside fold where his cock met his crotch. I wasn't gonna be able ta lick tha inside face of his cock without hurtin one or tha othah of us, so I figured I'd just take care of that when I deep throated him. I concentrated on lappin the sides an' undahside, tracin that little ridge that ran up tha length, mappin out all tha veins. He started moanin. When I finally reached tha top I looked up at him.

He was watchin me with eyes as gold as tha honey, an' his face was pink an' damp. He'd bitten his lip till it was so swollen that I was tempted ta break off what I was doin just ta nibble on it a little myself. But he put his hands in my hair, whisperin tha most beautiful, lovin, dirty things, an' I just couldn't make him wait any more. Oh, hell--I'll admit it-I couldn't wait anymore.

I took 'im down my throat slowly, all tha way without stoppin, then back. I pulled off an smacked my lips. "Okay, clean-up's ovah."

"Strife!" It wasn't quite a wail.

I giggled. "As if. Oh! Look!" I made my voice very bright. I touched tha tip of his cock with one fingah. "Yer leakin. I guess clean-up ain't done yet." I deep throated him again. I sucked softly while he started rockin his hips, very gently. He kept gettin hardah an biggah. After a little while I pulled off again, rubbin my face against his bare belly. "Cupe, baby? Dya think that maybe ya could...?"

He hugged me, bendin ovah me ta kiss tha back of my neck. "What? Tell me what you want, lover."

"I'd really like ta feel ya inside me."

He hesitated. "Are you sure it would be safe?"

"Cupe, I'm already preggers, so we don't hafta worry about that. An' I'm over-ripe. If fuckin me would induce Lump ta finally make his debut, I'd see that as a bonus."

"All right, love. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment than to be inside you."

We arranged ourselves. There'd been a consultation with Joxer an' Ares when I got ta tha point where doggie style was no longah comfortable. They'd declined ta give a complete demonstration, dammit. Just as well, I s'pose. Cupe had looked a little green when I suggested it. They had shown us, briefly an' fully clothed, how ta get inta tha right position, complete with the best way ta prop Lump up for maximum support an' comfort.

I lay on my side, and Cupe carefully tucked pillows undah an' around me till my Lump-stuffed tummy was supported, an' my head an' neck rested at a good angle. When he had me situated he squatted by tha bed, runnin his hands ovah my chest. I'd finally gotten used ta tha idea that I'd become somethin of a dairy. It helped that I didn't swell too much, though I figurahed that meant I was gonna hafta start bottle feedin a little earlier than I might have wanted to. I'd removed tha nipple rings at tha beginnin of tha month. I figuahed I'd put 'em back aftah Lump went ta solids.

Cupe brushed his fingahs ovah tha little peaks, bringin them ta attention. He sighed, lickin his lips, an' pinched gently. I felt tha moisture almost immediately. In a second, he was glidin in warm fluid. He looked at me questioninly, an' I nodded. Reachin out, I cupped tha back of his head an' drew him down. I closed my eyes as his lips fastened around one distended bud an' he began ta suckle.

I'd asked him why tha first time he asked if he could do it, an' he said because it was part of me, an' he loved all of me. He'd had my cock in his mouth an' his tongue up my ass, so why should he be freaked by somethin as wholesome as milk? He moved ovah ta tha othah side, and I sighed, archin into tha soft wetness. "Cupe?" I whispahed. "What's it like?"

He lifted his head, shiny lips pressed tagethah firmly, an kissed me. I opened my mouth, an' he opened his, and I felt tha milk flow inta my mouth. It was warm, an a little sweet. I swallowed, an' licked Cupe's lips, then whispahed again. "I still don't know. It was Cupid flavahed." He chuckled, an' I said, "That's it fah you, buddy. I gotta conserve it fah Lump from now on."

Cupid nodded, strokin my face, then he moved ta lay on his side behind me and started caressin me. I could feel his hard dick nestled in tha crack of my ass, but he showed no impatience now. His hands glided everywhere, from throat ta thighs while he kissed an' licked my throat, my ear, my shouldah, tha back of my neck.

I oiled myself with a thought, an' bent my top leg, plantin my foot flat so that I was spread open. I took hold of his hand, an' moved it back ta my ass. I found out from Joxer how lucky I was that I hadn't gotten hemaroids. "Ace finally came up with the right spell to get rid of them, but BOY was Ares frustrated for a few months." I didn't even know what hemeroids were till Joxer told me. I immediately started tryin ta figure out if there was a way I could inflict 'em on mortals.

Cupe slipped one fingah gently inta me. When it was coated with oil he withdrew an' wiped it tha length of my crack, then massaged it around, gettin tha entire valley greased ta be sure I didn't get chafed. When he went back ta my asshole he slipped two fingahs in this time. I muttered happily, pushin back at him. He hooked his free arm ovah me, plasterin our uppah bodies tagethah as he pumped an' spread his fingahs, loosenin me. He spread his hand flat on my chest, then pushed deepah and curled his fingahs, findin my hot spot. Warmth an' pleasure washed through me, an' I moaned. "Sweet baby," he whispered against my throat, doin it again.

By this time my cock was at full attention, pokin a dent in tha shelf of my tummy. In fact, tha little movements I made every time Cupe pushed his fingahs inta me rubbed tha slick head against tha undahside of my belly, an' that was n-i-c-e.

Then Cupe pulled his fingahs out of me an' gripped my hip with one hand an' his cock with the othah. He pressed against my anus, nudgin gently. I grabbed his wrist an' pushed back quickly, takin tha first coupla inches inside me. "Strife!" He scolded. "Baby, relax! I'm going to fuck you, don't worry about that, but if you don't take it easy you're going to throw your back out."

"Less talk, more dick."

"Bossy."

"Ya know it."

He started ta move inside me, fuckin with long, smooth strokes, alternatin with tha short, hard jabs that I love. He glided ovah my sweet spot almost every time, an' it wasn't long till I was shakin with pleasure. When he paused I groaned, "What? Ya didn't come yet, I can tell." He had pushed up on his hand, arm straight, liftin his uppah body, an' he was reachin down an' around with his othah hand. "Cupe, what...?" His hand slipped undah my belly an' his greased fingahs closed around my rigid prick. "Oh, that." He started ta jerk me off. I whimpered, "You talk about my back? Yer gonna get a spasm."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Fuck no! Just hurry up." He did. I came in just a dozen or so strokes, then he settled back down an' enjoyed tha way my ass clenched around his buried prick. When I quieted down a little he finished with a few lazy, deep grinds, fillin me with warmth. Then we just laid there, still joined, an I just sorta hummed with happiness.

"Ya know," I yawned. "I think Bliss has a good idea with this nap business."

"You do that, sweetheart." Cupid kissed me, then cleaned both of us, an' tha bed up. He stood up dressed. When I found that I was wearin a light, loose tunic I raised an eyebrow at him. I sleep raw. He answered tha unasked question. "Because it can be any minute now, and the last thing you need to worry about is getting dressed, that's why. I'm just going to run some of my special metal over to Hephastus--he's running low. Who should I call over?"

I scowled. "No one."

"Strife..."

"Zeus, Cupe, I ain't needed a babysittah since... when was tha last ice age?"

"This is different, and you know it."

"Oh, c'mon. You're gonna be gone how long? Hour, half-hour? Bliss is here, an' he knows how ta get ta Ares or Dite if anythin happens an' for some alien reason I can't call 'em myself."

"Well... do you promise not to do anything like trying to polish the floor or varnish the ceiling while I'm gone?" I laid a hand ovah my heart an' crossed my eyes. He laughed. "I'm holding you to it. I've told Bliss that he has to snitch on you if he catches you doing anything bad for you or Lump."

"Hey!" I smiled. "I'm s'posed ta train him in things like that." He shook his head, kissed me, an' flashed out. I discarded my plans ta try ta whip up some curtains fah tha windows I'd made earliah, an' dozed off.

I woke up with someone pattin my face. Judgin from tha size of tha fingahs, I knew who it was. I opened my eyes an smiled. "Hey, Blissman."

"Hey, Stwifester." I was teachin him annoyin nicknames.

I rolled on my back. "Run around an' climb on up." He did, an' started massagin my belly.

"Stwife? How's Lump gonna get out of you belly?"

"Uhhh...." Actually, Cupe, an' me, an' Asclepius, an' Joxer, an' Ares, an'. well, just about everybody, had discussed that. Everybody but Gaia, who just sweetly told us not ta worry, an' she hadda get back ta mulchin her roses. I was sure she knew, but since she has that whole 'mystery of nature' thing goin on, she wasn't sayin. Cupe tried ta wheedle it outta her by spreadin fertilizer on every flowah bed an' vegetable plot she had, an' all he ended up with was stinky hands.

Tha thing was, there just wasn't that many cases of male pregnancy ta refer to. There was Zeus an' Athena, but that was more like spontaneous generation, an' he was Zeus (duh). There was Joxer, but he was a mortal made divine. He'd had ta have a ceasarian (just like that megalomaniac ta put his name on a damn surgical procedure, right?). I watched Uncle Ares while that was goin on (tha only way they kept him outta tha delivery room was with Zeus, Hera, Apollo, an' Aprhodite combinin powers ta keep him out, an' they all ended up lookin like they'd been dragged around Olympus by their hair. It was a damn good thing Joxer an' Accord came out of it okay. I think there mighta been bloody chaos if they hadn't. Ares wouldn't have been able ta help it.

We'd discussed possibilities, but hadn't figured out anythin. I was kinda hopin I wasn't gonna grow a vagina ta squirt Lump out--I wasn't entirely sure it would go away, an' my life has been confused enough.

"Stwife?"

Oh, crap. Big, blue eyes lookin ta me fah an explanation. I said brightly, "How d' you think Lump'll get out?"

He sat cross-legged, frownin seriously. Finally he said, "Well, I don't think you gonna poop Lump out."

"Why not?"

He wrinkled his nose. "That's kinda nasty. And I don't think you gonna spit Lump up, 'cause you might bite 'im by accident, and I don't think Greatsomething Gran'ma Gaia would let that happen."

"Makes sense."

"So, I guess there's only one other way." He gently poked my tummy. "You bellybutton."

I laughed. "Aw, geez, kid, an' ya say there ain't room fah me ta spit 'im out."

"But Stwife, bellybuttons stwetch, and..." he was tryin ta find words, "Well, it isn't really closed, is it?"

"Of course it..." I trailef off. "Ya know, on innies, I really couldn't say."

"And you gots an innie," Bliss said, like that explained it.

I shrugged. "Makes bettah sense than a lot of things."

Cupid flashed inta tha room, holdin an armload of fresh arrows. "Hey, my two favorite guys in one place!" He stored tha arrows in a chest, then came ta sit with us. "What have you two been talking about?"

"Delivahry possibilities." I grimaced. "Damn, Lump!"

Cupid rubbed Bliss's head. "Kicking bad, babe?"

"Nah, this is different. It feels like he's bracin his feet on my spine an' pushin out as hard as he can. Feel." Cupid started ta touch my tummy, an' then...

Look, I'm not exaggeratin, 'kay? Tha damn tunic lifted, humpin up right undah his palm. At tha same time my whole stomach sorta rippled. Tha only way I can explain it is--ya know how rings spread out when ya drop a pebble in watah? Well, reverse that. Tha ripple was movin in.

We all stayed frozen, starin at my tummy. I whispered, "Cupe? I feel awful funny."

Bliss an' me both squeaked when tha bump poked up again. Bliss gasped, "Lump's coming!"

I winced. "Ooo, is tha little booger gonna punch his way out? That's gonna hurt like dickens."

Cupid stood up, takin Bliss with him. His expression was very calm, but he yelled, "Dad!"

Flash!

Ares took one look at us an' yelled, "Joxer"

Flash!

Joxer appeared, Accord ridin against his shouldah. He looked around, handed tha baby ta Ares, cupped his hands ovah Accord's ears, an' yelled, "Ace!"

Flash!

Asclepius appeahed, looked at me, an opened his mouth. A spasm hit me right about then, an' I yelled, "Ring a freakin bell or somethin!"

Asclepius pointed at Joxer an' Cupid. "You two--round up Dite, Demeter, and Hera. Try to keep Zeus out of this."

"Eris!" I demanded.

Asclepius looked at me. "Um, Strife? Eris is a little... uh... It might be better if we wait till we're sure..."

"I want my mommy!

FLASH!

Ma appeahed on tha othah side of tha room. Luckily Ace had enough sense ta jump outta her way as she charged ovah. She dropped down ta sit by me, an' I threw my arms around her, buryin my face against her side. I nevah knew leathah armor could be so comfortin.

She glared at Asclepius. "After you take care of my son and my grandchild, you and I are going to have a talk." Ace got pale. Ma's talks are legendery. I wasn't worried. I knew that as long as me an' Lump came through this all right, she was gonna forget about bein pissed. I hoped. She looked at tha othahs. "Well? Shouldn't you dorks be boiling water or something? You!" She pointed at Cupid. "Don't make me sorry I let you have my baby! You're responsible for this, so get your feathery butt in gear and do what Ace told you! Move!"

Cupid dropped a quick kiss on my forehead, keepin his eyes on Ma ta make sure she didn't bite or somethin. "I'll hurry, Strife." I grabbed his hands, squeezin hard, an' his eyes softened. "It's gonna be all right, babe. The Fates really don't want to have all of us after them."

Flash!

Cupe an' Joxer were gone. Ares held out his hand ta Bliss. "Come on, little man. This isn't any place for you right now."

Bliss looked at me anxiously. "Stwife?"

I made myself smile at him. "Gonna be kinda busy here for a little while, Blissy. You go help Unca 'Res watch Cord, 'kay? Soon as we can, I'll have ya come in an' meet Lump face ta face."

"Promise?"

"Hey! Don't insult me, ya brat." He smiled, gave me a kiss, an' went ta Ares.

Ares shifted uncomfortably, an' said, "Strife..."

"Yah, I know. G'wan." I chuckled weakly. "Yer tha one that's gonna be watchin an infant an' a toddler. I got tha easy job." They left, an' I was glad that Bliss got outta there before tha next contraction hit me, cause I almost tore off a fistful of sheets, an' I bit my lip bloody. I groaned as it eased up, an looked at Asclepius. "Ya know, Ace, if Bliss didn't already have a job, I'd say ya oughta take him on as an apprentise. Tha kid is sharp."
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Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit