Learning To Let Go

All Previous Disclaimers Apply.

Author’s Note: Well, I’ve given warnings before, and in this chapter one of them comes true. So, for a final time, to cover all bases . . . this story is ReidOC SLASH. While it is not the most important element of the story, it is the most important element of the chapter. (The chapter contains the history of Reid’s relationship with another man.) If you do not like slash, I would suggest that you not continue. I make it a point not to delete reviews even if I am not fond of them, but if I am flamed on account of the homosexual content of this story after my numerous warnings I will delete the review. As always, thank you to those who have and who continue to stick by this story. If anyone should feel the need to flame, please be civil about it. Thanks so much!

“You shouldn’t keep so many secrets, you know. They tear you apart eventually, no matter how strong you think you are.”

Reid sighed heavily as he got off of the bus, immediately turning in the direction of his apartment building. Everyone had offered to give him a ride home when they got back from Colorado. They all said it was too late and it had been a tough case, so he should just hitch with one of them instead of putting up with the hassle of taking the bus and then walking. He knew that in reality they were just worried that something would happen to him –what, he had no idea- but he was so grateful that they had tried to mask it with logic that it didn’t bug him nearly so much. He had wanted to take the bus. No one tried to make him talk on the bus. And he had wanted to walk the few blocks to his apartment. It gave him time to think. So, he’d finished his reports, said goodnight to everyone, and gotten on the bus a block and a half from the office, as he always did.

Those few words from one little girl continued to bug him as they had ever since she’d pulled him aside after her interview to utter them. He’d tried to get her to elaborate, trying to figure out what she had meant, how she had known him so well, but all she had done was tilt her head to the side, smile, and walk away. Gideon had asked him what was wrong not a minute later, but he had just told him that it was nothing. The little girl . . . well, she wasn’t so little, he mused. She was a senior in high school, seventeen years old. But, she had seemed much younger with her petite stature, sweet voice, and wide eyes. She had shaken him. They had questioned her because she was marked as friends with all of the young men killed, but she hadn’t had anything useful to add to their investigation despite being described as “kind of weird,” “sweet tempered, but very strange,” and “someone to watch” by others they had interviewed. Hotch had just settled on the explanation that she was simply one of those people no one ever really understood. They seemed to know more that they should about the world and that was why people feared and could not understand them.

Reid didn’t fear her. He definitely didn’t understand her, but he didn’t fear her. She had known that he was keeping secrets and that they were tearing him up inside. She had known after only speaking to him personally for five minutes and then seeing him again for less that a minute outside of her interviewing room. Truthfully, he had been a little relieved to get away from her but, he wouldn’t have said no if she had asked him to speak with her more or stay in touch. It was a very strange experience all in all. Everything he had ever known had been so based in fact, in what he could see and feel and give explanation to, but recently his world was being upturned by things that had no logical explanation. A young girl telling him exactly what he needed to hear, the way he had felt an overwhelming urge to make a snow angel while they were still working the case.

It had been snowing, the case was at a stand-still despite their best efforts. They had been in the precinct’s conference room for hours, pouring over everything they had again and again. Still, they had all felt that they were just beating their heads against a wall. They were all tired and nothing was coming together and that just made them even more cranky with each other. Then, he had seen the snow through the window and an overwhelming urge had hit him. He had never made a snow angel before. So, without a word he had pulled on his jacket, walked outside and collapsed in the snow, moving his arms and legs in wide arcs to get the desired shape. The others had followed him out, Morgan had asked if he was crazy as he was helping him up, then sputtered in disbelief as JJ hit him square in the face with a wet snowball. Ten minutes later they were all relaxed and wet to the bone. Then, Gideon had suddenly rushed back inside to look at the files one more time. An hour later they’d made an arrest. Two hours later they had their confession. Two hours and forty-five minutes later they were on the way home. And Reid could not get what the young girl had said off of his mind.

He supposed the intuitive young woman would probably say that he had felt such an urge exactly so they could all relax and Gideon could solve the case. It sounded an awful lot like fate to him, or pre-destiny, and he wasn’t sure that he believed in either. It didn’t change the fact, though, that he had an important phone call to make tonight. Get at least one secret off of his chest. He sighed again opened the door to his complex, aiming for the stairs, but deciding on the elevator when a wave of dizziness hit him. He couldn’t be sure, at the moment, if it was due to hunger, fatigue, or the tumor in his head, so he decided just to take care of all three. Eat something, take his medication, and then go to bed. After the phone call. The phone call was important.

The apartment was dark when he walked in, but he didn’t bother with the lights as he dropped his bag next to the door and made a bee-line for the kitchen. He had lived in the space long enough to know where everything was without the aid of a light. He was already in the kitchen and pouring himself a glass of milk before it registered that there had been another bag next to the door. A bag that was used as a carry on when travelling by plane. A bag that Lance used as a carry on when travelling by plane. He almost slammed the carton and the glass on the counter in his excitement. Then, he turned. His knees went a little shaky and he had to reach behind him to hold on to something to make sure he didn’t disgrace himself by simply falling over in shock.
In the doorway stood the most wonderful sight he had seen in a good six months. Lancelot Gregory Archer was everything his fair cousin, Lila, was not. Olive skinned, dark haired, and grey eyed. He stood a good five inches above Reid’s own six foot one height and he was perfect in almost every way Reid could fathom. He was standing exactly as he’d been standing the first time they’d met, leaning against the door frame, hands in his pockets and a smile that reached all the way to his eyes on his face. For a moment, Reid couldn’t speak, he could only remember.

Almost exactly two years ago to the day, Lila had called Reid and asked him if he wanted to be her date for a big shot Broadway musical preview that her favorite cousin had a small, but admirable, part in. He had immediately said yes, still wondering what exactly it was between them that had been so unique and special during the short time they had spent together. He had tried to keep it a secret for a long as possible, but eventually it had gotten back to the team that he had a date with Lila Archer, Hollywood starlet extraordinaire. He had endured a week and a half of intense teasing before the big night. He’d even bought a new suit for the occasion. It was still the one thing in his closet that fit him the best. The evening had been good, pleasant. Dinner before the show had been comfortable, like seeing a very good friend again after a long time. He and Lila had laughed and joked as if there had never been any odd romantic tension between them in the first place. They’d held hands, and it was comfortable as well. He wondered later if perhaps the very fact that they were so comfortable, that he wasn’t nervous at all should have tipped him off to the fact that he and Lila were not meant to be anything more than friends. The show had been less than stunning, a good attempt, but Reid hadn’t been all that impressed. Lila’s cousin, Lance, however, had been incredible, stealing the show with a less than dynamic part simply because he was as good as he was. Reid had found he hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of him.

After the show, Lila had taken him backstage, telling him that they were going to go out with her cousin as a sort of celebration that he had finally made it to the Broadway stages. He had been trying ever since he had dropped out of high school at sixteen, she had explained. They had often shared their dreams of fame and glory when they were younger, supporting each other in a family that considered the arts and Hollywood two very big wastes of time. Funny, she had laughed, how the two “black sheep” of the family were doing all they had said they would do and more just because they wouldn’t give in and become what the family wanted them to be. A doctor for Lance, a teacher for her. She had admitted to him in a giggle that she had been more than a little in puppy love with Lance when they were young, eleven and fourteen years old, but that he had crushed her poor little heart when he revealed to her that he thought he might be gay. She had mourned for two days, then gotten a crush on Billy Thompson, who had given her her first kiss a month and a half later. And so, Lance had become her best friend. Despite being on opposite coasts for so long, they remained close and each other’s biggest fans.

Reid had been amazed to find that he was nervous around Lance. He was stuttering, and didn’t know what to do with his hands and rubbing sweaty palms sporadically on his pants from the moment Lila introduced them, just outside the dressing room he shared with other named secondary characters. He also found that he was smiling more than he had the entire evening. For Lance’s part, he had seemed cool and collected until they had shaken hands, a little late into the conversation. Then, Lance had gotten a strange look on his face, blushed, and made an excuse to duck back in the dressing room, saying he would meet them in the back. Reid had not been able to stop looking at his hand, still warm from the clasp, as Lila led him outside and to an empty doorway.

“Okay,” she had been smiling, “What the hell was that, Spencer?”

“What are you talking about?” he had asked, knowing perfectly well what she meant. She indulged him anyway.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact that there’s more sexual tension between you and my cousin in five minutes than there has been between you and me this entire night! Why didn’t you just tell me that you’re gay?”

The word had pulled him out of his little haze, “I’m not gay!”

“No? You could have fooled me.”

“But, in your pool . . .”

“Okay, so you’re bi. But, Spencer, you can’t deny what just happened in there!”

“Sure I can.”

And he’d meant it. He’d never before in his life been physically attracted to another man. Then again, if he was being fair, he’d never been truly physically attracted to a woman in his life, either. He hadn’t really seen JJ as a potential relationship until Gideon had set up the date between them. The date had ended in them deciding to simply be friends, starting their close, sibling-like, relationship. He hadn’t even really found Lila all that stimulating until she had pulled him into her pool and all of the sudden her mouth was on his and her body was so close. She had been his first kiss. The fact that he was so young in both college and high school had really left him behind in some areas of development. Then, he had joined the FBI straight away after earning his third doctorate and had felt that there were better things to occupy his mind than relationships. So, really when he took time to think about it, how could he know where his sexual preference lay? But, he had chosen not to think about it and had stayed as far away from Lance as he could for the rest of the evening, relieved when some more people from the show had come out with them.

Then, a week later Lila had sprung a trap on him. She invited him to dinner before she went back to California and he had accepted, glad to get another chance to see her. She was fun to be around and didn’t make him nervous. Not many people could do that. So, he’d taken the train to New York once again and met her at a posh little restaurant she had decided on. They had walked inside together and Reid had spotted Lance, sitting at a table set for two.

“Oops,” Lila had giggled, “You know what? I forgot my plane takes off in a couple of hours. I better get going. But, you two don’t ruin your night on my account. Have fun!” Then, Hurricane Lila had been gone. Reid had started to make excuses to leave when Lance had looked up at him, a smile on his face.

“I know Lila’s about as tactful as an elephant in a china shop, but there’s no reason for you to run off so quickly when you came all this way. Why don’t you sit down? We’ll just eat, I promise.”

He hadn’t understood at the time what had compelled him, but he had taken the seat, and had dinner with Lance. Soon he had forgotten his discomfort and was simply enjoying the other man’s company. He was witty and intelligent, and he didn’t seem to mind Reid’s awkwardness at all. In fact, he seemed genuinely interested in the random facts Reid had a tendency to spout off when something caught his attention. Before he knew what was happening, four hours had gone by and the restaurant was closing. So, they’d walked out and Lance had hailed him a cab. It was the one and only time Reid had ever known him to be at a loss for words.

“I know I said we’d only eat, but I’d never be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least . . . I mean . . . You . . . You’re so . . . Fuck it.” And Lance had kissed him. It had been nothing like when Lila had kissed him. That had been all shock and trying to do what he thought was right to respond. When Lance kissed him he didn’t have to think, he just responded. His hands curled into Lance’s jacket and he didn’t feel awkward at all when Lance pulled him closer. When they pulled away he’d gotten into the cab as quickly as he could, confused and a little scared. But, his fear hadn’t stopped him from saying yes when Lance had called a couple of days later and asked if he could see him again. Soon.

Six months later Lance had moved in with him. JJ had found out about him not long after that. She had had a key to his place ever since they had helped him get clean but hadn’t had cause to use it. When she had come over one day and he hadn’t answered the door she had been worried and had let herself in only to find Lance and him in the bedroom, still fully clothed, but well on their way to not being so anymore. She had been shocked and yet somehow not surprised and had offered to take them to dinner, so that she could grill Lance to her heart’s content. At the end of the night she had decided that she liked him and that he was good for her Spence. At Reid’s insistence she agreed not to mention anything unless she was asked directly. But, no one ever asked and so she never mentioned anything.

For almost a year Lance and Reid lived together happily, Lance taking the commuter flight to and from the city for work. He was cast in a lead in an established show after the new show had flopped but the critics loved his performance and so didn’t worry about the money two flights a day took up. Every other weekend Reid would take the train up to New York to see the show and then they would go out. He never tired of watching Lance perform. Lance was so completely different from anyone else he had ever known. He had never known a person so able to put so much of themselves on the line every night for a whole audience of people to see. The thought terrified Reid, but Lance handled it with grace. He was never more comfortable than when he was on stage. He was able to create a new world for people and he knew it. Reid could never quite understand how such a passionate, gorgeous, dynamic individual could love him. He had told Lance so more than once. But, Lance only laughed.

“You know, for being a genius you aren’t so smart sometimes. It’s me who should be wondering what the hell you’re still doing with me.” It was always his response.

Then, six months ago, Lance had been offered a role in another new musical. This time it was a staring role. Reid had told him to take it. It would be hard work, but from the sounds of it the musical was going to be incredible. Lance deserved this chance. It was the chance of a lifetime and Reid wasn’t going to watch him throw it away just because they’d be spending a little less time together. Then, Lance had dropped the bomb on him. The show was getting it’s start in London to see if it was worthy to by moved to a Broadway stage. All of the work would be done in London. They wouldn’t just be spending less time together if he took the role. They would be apart for months. They had discussed it for hours, days, and in the end Reid had told him to go. And Lance had told him he would go only on one condition. Reid had to agree to be his forever. They had never really put a label on their relationship, but he wanted one now. He wanted Reid to be his partner for life. Reid had agreed. The commitment was only known to one another, something they sealed with a kiss while they were sitting on the couch together, but it was enough that they knew what they were to each other.

They spoke on the phone every night. Reid had even flown out to London for a week during a vacation. But, the time hadn’t been enough. And it hurt more than he could say to have Lance so far away from him. It had been hardest to hide how down he was from the rest of the team. He could pretend he was okay so long as no one was asking him every day if he was okay. JJ thought he was trying to hide it. Reid knew it was just the only way he would survive. It had been a major point of dispute for them before the headaches started and everyone began treating him as if he were a china doll. JJ had been so worried that he was using again, even though she wouldn’t admit it, that she had forgotten to argue with him over Lance. And then, the doctor had told him he was dying. It had pushed the issue back for another week until JJ had asked if he had told Lance yet. He had known it would be hardest to tell the man he loved, but he didn’t want to do it over the phone, so he had waited. JJ had pestered him that he needed to tell Lance as soon as possible and let him make the decision to come home. She had no doubts that Lance would rush home to be with Reid as soon as he heard. Reid was just glad she had stopped pestering him about coming out of the closet, even as he fretted over telling Lance. He had finally worked himself up to doing it tonight. But, now Lance was here. Lance was finally home.

And so Reid stated the obvious, “You’re home.”

“Yeah.” Lance’s deep voice was smooth.

“How?” It was the only question he could think to ask.

“Show’s moving to Broadway. We open in four months. I came home soon as we got the word. Rest of the cast will be here within the week. I just figured, better get home quick. You know, so I could have a few days with you before we start up again.” It was never more than he had to say. His words were always condensed. It was another something Reid loved about him, even if their conversations did tend to get a little one-sided at times.

“But, the London show?”

“The last performance is tomorrow night. My understudy is building a shrine to me, I think.” There was that smile again, and the dimple in the left cheek.

“You gave up the last performance, Lance?” He couldn’t help the smile reflected on his own face and the shock in his voice. Lance had given up a final performance for him. Somehow it was unbearably romantic.

“Some things are more important, Spence. You just gonna stand there all night?”

And the spell was broken. In seconds they were in each other’s arms. They kissed once, twice. Chaste kisses. Then, they simply held each other, rocking slowly. It was enough simply to be together. The time would come a little later when they wouldn’t be able to get their hands off of each other. Six months ago that time would have come first. But, now their love was deeper than the physical and they had to satisfy their souls by taking each other in again first. It sounded so corny, even to him, but Lance always had this affect on him. Lance made him feel like there was more to him than simply analytical thought. God, he didn’t want to ruin the moment. He didn’t want to ruin this, the holding and the feeling content. He knew he was about to send it all crashing down around them and that he might regret it but, he knew that if he didn’t say it now, he might not until much later. Much later might be anywhere from days to weeks much later before he’d work up the courage again. But, that wouldn’t be fair to Lance. Not when time was now so short and precious. However, there was something else he had to tell Lance first.

“Lance,” he whispered against the cool cotton of Lance’s tee shirt, “I love you.”

“I love you, too, babe. I’ve missed you so much.” There was so much love and hope in Lance’s voice that tears began and Reid couldn’t do anything to stop them. He buried his head in Lance’s chest and tried to control himself, but knew he had lost the battle when Lance said, “Spence, what’s wrong? You’re shaking. What is it, Spence?” There was worry in his voice now and Reid hated the fact that he was the one to put it there. He felt a hand lift his chin until he was looking straight into Lance’s smoky eyes.

“Spence, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?” Always honest. Lance was nothing if he wasn’t completely honest

“Lance,” he whispered, past the lump of emotion in his throat, “I have something to tell you.”


Author’s Note: I was going to try for a shorter chapter this time around as per a reader’s request, but it just didn’t seem to work out. I apologize and will try to make chapters shorter in the future.