RELEASE TO OBLIVION

Bobby desperately tried to yank his hand away from Alex's iron grip. "I forgot how strong she can be," he thought.



"Don't Bobby." Alex's voice was soft but the threat was evident. "Don't push it unless you want to explain to Deakins why two of his First Grade Detectives wound up fighting in the middle of a street in their dress uniforms."



Bobby placed his free hand on the car's roof and slumped forward. "She knows...it's over," he thought. "All of it's over..."



"Come up," Bobby said. Alex had never heard him so sad, so defeated.



The ride in the elevator was terribly silent. Bobby unlocked and opened the door to his apartment, and let Alex enter before him. The possibility of running away struck him, but he knew Alex would pursue him with the tenacity of a pit bull. He walked in after her, shed his uniform jacket and tie, and fell into his chair. Alex had also abandoned her jacket and tie and sat expectantly on the couch. "The last time I saw her there," Bobby thought, "she was sleeping. And this will probably be the last time I ever see her..."



Bobby looked at his hands. He still held the box containing his medal. He tossed it on the couch next to Alex. "I meant it--I want you to have it..."



"Bobby..."



"Alex...please...whatever you do...don't take away my work...I understand if you want a transfer.." Alex made a small noise of protest, but Bobby waved it away. "Just, please, let me...let me have my work. I'll...I'll be good...I promise you...I won't...I won't be a danger to anyone...please...I beg you...don't take it away..." He choked and struggled to control his voice. Tears brimmed in his eyes.



"He's begging me," Alex thought, "Bobby Goren is begging..." She stood before Bobby.



"Bobby," she said, "I don't want a transfer. I want to understand."



He looked up at her. His eyes were dark, endless pools. "I don't...I don't understand it myself...I..." Bobby gagged and nearly knocked Alex over in his rush to the bathroom. Alex heard the sounds of Bobby being sick. She grabbed a cloth from the kitchen and ran cold water over it. She walked into the bathroom where Bobby knelt in front of the toilet and gently laid the cloth on the back of his neck.



"Done?" she asked softly.



Bobby turned an ashen face to her. "Yea...I think so..." He sat back heavily against the bathroom wall.



Alex flushed the toilet and lifted the cloth from Bobby's neck. She wiped it across his face and unbuttoned his shirt.



"No, Alex..." But Bobby was too weak and tired.



Alex stared at the rough, red marks on Bobby's shoulders and pushed his shirt back. Beneath Bobby's sleeveless undershirt were dozens of marks and bruises. Bobby's eyes closed in shame.



Alex was furious. "I thought Marcella Torte was more professional than this..."



"She is," Bobby sighed. "Don't blame her...there's others..."



Alex jumped up. "Robert Goren...how stupid can you be?! You...could have been really hurt! Hell, you really were hurt...They...how do you know if they won't blackmail you...Dammit Bobby!"



Bobby slumped against the wall. "I think I...covered myself...I.." His head dropped on his chest.



Alex stared down at him. "This isn't the time," she thought. She knelt down beside him and gently took his hand. "Ok," she said, "we'll talk about it later...now...well, let's get you cleaned up. Think you can get in the shower?"



Bobby nodded.



"All right--you get a shower...and I'll get you some clothes..." Alex looked at him. "I'm not leaving you...not tonight...not ever...." She stood up and started to leave.



"Alex." She could bearly hear Bobby's voice. "Not...not ever? Even with what...what..."



She turned to look at him. "Not ever Bobby. You're stuck with me."



"A-lex?"



"Yes."



"Th-thank you."



"Shower." She pointed for emphasis.



Alex found a NYPD t-shirt and grey pajama pants hanging on the back of Bobby's bedroom door and

guessed they were his bedroom attire. She briefly entertained the thought of Bobby sleeping in the nude, but shook her head. "Now is definitely not the time, girl," she thought. She heard the shower running and cracked open the bathroom door. Resisting the tempation to peak at the shower, Alex dropped the clothes on the sink. Returning to the bedroom, Alex found one of Bobby's older T-shirts and hooked it on the doorknob. She appropriated several hangers, and went to the living room to collect the uniform jackets. Alex hung the jackets up, and then stepped back into the bedroom. She could still hear the shower, and quickly exchanged her clothes for Bobby's shirt. She heard the shower stop.



Alex knocked gently on the door. "Ok in there?" She asked.



"H-m-mph...yea." A few moments later Bobby emerged in a cloud of steam. Alex took his hand and pulled him to the bed. "Alex..."



Alex shot him a look, and Bobby sat on the edge of his bed. She pulled the covers back and helped him swing his legs up and under the sheets. He turned away from her, and she slid in behind him.



"Talk to me, Bobby." It was both a request and a demand.



"I don't know how..."



"Start at the beginning...after the Ericsson case," Alex said. She placed a hand gently against Bobby's back. She started to withdraw it when Bobby shuddered, but stopped when he said, "Please...keep it there...it...it helps."



Bobby took a deep breath. "When we first went to the Surrender Club...to see those things...I couldn't get them out of my head...there, there was so much pressure...there is...inside my head..." He shifted and sat up. Alex leaned on an elbow and watched him. The light from his window painted shadows across his pale, worn face. "The buzzing inside my head--Alex, it feels like there's thousand of thoughts sometimes and I can't sort them out or get them to stop. And the Ericsson case--there was the pressure to solve the case--my Mom had a bad spell--I saw myself in the little boy...Isaac...I was afraid of letting Deakins down...they gave me that...that medal...and then, then you...you got hurt..." Bobby put his head in his hands. Alex gently squeezed his left arm.



"I just wanted it to stop...to disappear...and I thought of the Surrender Club...and I went there..." Bobby sighed. "They're very professional. Some of the workers are psychology or psychiatric students...some of them...well, Ms. Torte told me I was on a spiral...I saw that...I've read this stuff...I wanted the pain because I was guilty...then I was guilty

because I wanted the pain...What I got there, it worked for a while...I'd get to a place where there was only pain...where there was a sort of oblivion. But...I always had to come back." Bobby gulped.



"I wanted more...more pain...and finally...Ms. Torte said the club couldn't...couldn't give me what I wanted." Bobby stared out the window. Alex knew he was jumping over details, but what he was telling her what he could. "She was very kind...she told me I was really going to do some damage...and I went to other places..."



He looked quickly at Alex. "It, it wasn't about sex, Alex...and I've never...giving pain...it...it sickens me...but I had to have it...I'm no hero...if they knew who they were giving that medal to..." He shook his head. "I lie, I manipulate...a small corner of my mind

is convinced I'm going mad, or going to go...I abandoned my mother and then put her in an

institution...I can hardly bear to see her sometimes...and I'm this..." He struggled not to cry.



"Bobby," Alex finally broke in. "I work with you every day...You've saved my life...saved other lives..."



Bobby shook his head violently. "No, no," he muttered.



"That man you described," Alex said gripping his arm tightly, "he may be part of Robert Goren, but he is NOT the Bobby Goren I know. Do you think I would stay partners, let alone be friends, with a man like that? Do you think that I would...would..." Alex swallowed hard. "Would care for that man?"



Bobby's head spun around to her, and a lightening bolt struck Alex.



"Bobby...your guilt..." Alex breathed deeply. "Does it include how you feel about me?"



The fences and gates fell, and Bobby Goren collapsed in tears. Alex reached out and drew him to her. He clung to her, his sobs shaking his body, her, and the bed. Alex had never seen anyone cry the way Bobby did. The sobs threatened to split his body apart, and Alex feared Bobby might truly have broken down completely. Strange, muffled wails came from him, and she rocked him back and forth until the sounds and sobs eased, and finally ceased.



His body still shivering, Bobby clung to Alex. "Bobby," she whispered in his hair, "let me go for a minute..." He responded by clutching her tighter. "Just a moment, Bobby...I'll be right back...I promise." He finally, slowly let her go. Alex padded into the kitchen and filled two glasses with water. She returned to find Bobby sitting in the bed. She handed a glass to him, and for a long moment he wrapped his massive hand around hers. "Drink this," she ordered him gently. He swallowed the water in a long drink and handed the glass back to her.



"Thank you," he whispered, and Alex knew he meant the words for far more than the water. She set the glasses on the bathroom sink and returned to the bedroom. Bobby sat on the edge of the bed; Alex sat next to him.



"You look much better in that shirt than I ever did," Bobby's voice broke the silence, and for the first time in months, his voice sounded open and confident, almost like Bobby Alex had known months ago.



Alex smiled at him. She let her right hand cover his left; their fingers curled together. Bobby let his body fall back on the bed, and Alex fell with him. They turned to face each other. Bobby nudged her gently, and Alex thrilled to the feel of his stubble against her cheek. His fingers traced the outlines of her face, moving across her lips, down the slope of

her nose, touching her eyelashes. "Alex...beautiful Alex..." he whispered. She leaned forward to kiss him, and the moment their lips brushed Alex felt that every kiss she had ever had--even those from her late husband--were nothing more than imitations.



"Bobby, oh.." One of her hands reached to tangle his curls.



"Alex, oh, I've dreamed of this..." His voice was rough and gentle, but she detected a wry note to it.



"What?" she said.



"There are so many...many complications..."



"We can...I think we should try..."



Bobby's grip tightened on her hand. "It's not just that...it's me...this...one night, one break doesn't solve...this..."



"We'll work it out...you're not in this alone." Alex realized she believed the words as she said them.



He raised himself. "Alex...I...want you so badly, you're so beautiful...so wonderful...but..."



Alex looked into his eyes--eyes that had been so frightened, so sad, a few moments ago and now were full of care and want--and thought she could dive forever into those deep brown pools. "What's wrong?" she asked.



"I'm...I'm tired, Alex...I'm exhausted..." Bobby was torn between laughing and crying. Alex pulled him down to her and they fell asleep gently laughing in each other's arms.



End Chapter Nine