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Dreams	By : sissouthernink1994 Category: 1 through F > Criminal Minds Views: 1877 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Work of fiction. I don't own: Criminal Minds, CSI: NY, CSI: Miami, NCIS, NCIS: LA, CSI or their characters. All done in fun, no profit gained.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
A/N: In my world, Spencer is married to Simon Allman and they have two children Lilli and Daniel. Bold italics are Spencer’s thoughts. The dream is in regular italics.
Warning: Drug use
Chapter 9: Daytime Nightmares- Dr. Spencer Reid

Oh my God…not again. This can’t be happening. Not now God, not now.
                Dr. Spencer Reid was frantically searching his home office for something. He opened every drawer in his desk, moved stacks of paper and stacks of books on top.
Where is it? Where? I hid it but where is it?
He began to search through boxes of papers and books from his various degrees and search over the years. Nothing. The thing he was looking for was eluding him. He hid it on purpose. Maybe he hid it too well.
I need it. Where is it?
Spencer stood in the middle of the room with his hands on his hips, wondering where his emergency vials of Dilaudid were. He wanted to make sure his children didn’t get to it. He didn’t want his husband to know there was any left. Simon thought Spencer dumped all of it and that he was drug free. Drug free, but not nightmare free.
Maybe the fact that I can’t find it means I don’t need it. One hit of that would ruin everything I’ve worked for. But I need it. I gotta have it.
The BAU team had just come back into town from a most horrible case. The nightmares just wouldn’t stay away. Spencer’s uneasiness started when JJ began with the case information. Young gay men around his age were being abducted, drugged and tortured. Tortured by a religious sect claiming that they were trying to rid the world of these types of sinners. Some of the young men had escaped and were barely alive to tell their story. They told the team of what happened, what they were told to say when they drugs were administered. This sect was very clever in the fact that they abducted men who they knew had been sexually abused and molested as children.
                If was as if the abductors had a file on each on the young men. Every disgusting part of their lives was front and center for the abductors. They suffered mental and sexual abuse from their fellow abductees, who were also under the drug’s influence, not knowing what they were doing. These men recalled their dreams and the vividness reminded him of the time Tobias Hankel held him hostage. The reason he was looking for the Dilaudid.
                With the drug, he was able to remember his mother. Her dementia was a non-factor; she was young, intelligent and educated. And he was sometimes taking care of her. But the drugs helped him remember the important things they did together- reading, talking, writing. He needed to hide. Right now, he needed an out of body experience. And he couldn’t find his stash.
If I could just find those two little vials…It’s been so long, maybe there isn’t any. Did I really hide them? Did Simon and I destroy them all?
Spencer looked around at all of his books, trying to remember where the last of the vials were. If there were any. The stories of those tortured young men reminded him of the teasing he received as a child amongst teens in a high school. The shoves and pushes from the football players, the laughs from the pretty girl cliques. How did he ever endure? Reading and learning. College students teasing him until they learned of his skills. Those first few boyfriends betraying him, cheating on him as if he were nothing. His emotions were everywhere. His heart was hurting, his head was hurting and his spirit was hurting. He needed not to hurt.
Come on, where are you hiding?
Spencer thought about the times he and Derek talked about their childhoods or what he was willing to share regarding Carl Buford. He remembered the nights that Derek held him as he had his fits of withdrawal, wanting and nightmares. Until Simon, it was the best relationship he had been in. It was a paradise of sorts. He remembered saying to himself then that he almost lost his paradise with the drugs. Paradise.
Why am I thinking about Derek? And paradise? This isn’t making any sense. Think Spencer!! Think!
His mind clicked and he was beginning to remember. What was is about Derek and paradise? Derek was there when he lost his mind.
Lost. Paradise. That’s it! John Milton’s poem Paradise Lost. But which book?
Spencer loved to read and loved books. He had so many repeat editions of so many works. He had Paradise Lost in four large collector’s editions. It had to be there. That’s why he thought of Derek. When they were together, he bought a fake book of Paradise Lost. It was hollow inside and that’s where he had hidden the drugs.
I’ve found you!
Spencer located the book, climbed the step stool, grabbed the book and ran to the bedroom- stumbling up the stairs. He closed the door behind him but didn’t lock it. He slid down the wall next to the bed and carefully opened the hollow book. There were the two vials of Dilaudid, a couple of syringes and a tie for his arm. His hands shook as he picked up a vial. He filled the syringe then rolled up the sleeve on his left arm. He wrapped the tie around his upper arm, pulling it tight with his teeth. Spencer sighed deeply and thumped his arm below his elbow for a vein. Finding it and bracing himself for the quick prick of pain, he inserted he needle and pushed the liquid drug through.
The agent untied the tie, closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall- ready for the rush. It was immediate. Spencer felt comfortable and calm, listening to his mother read to him. Then he heard his own voice asking her questions. He was smiling and she was smiling back. The memories floated through his mind. He could hear pleasant laughter and he felt good. He was motionless as he sat still but felt that he was floating in the most beautiful colors, sounds and scents ever created by God.
More and more happy memories filled his head: conversation and fun times with Derek, the team sharing as a family, Simon and the children. He was floating on water that had a gentle and smooth buoyancy. The white fluffy clouds above him were like projector screens and all of the memories showed and floated by one by one, making him laugh and smile. Spencer felt water on his face that he mistook for water splashing around him. He didn’t notice that it was his own tears.
Why would I be crying? I’m viewing the happiest times of my life. Ah, happy tears.
He could hear more laughter and children’s voices: they belonged to his children. The blue sky behind the clouds began to turn dark and the water became choppy. The pretty fluffy clouds were replaced with darker, stormy ones. He could no longer hear the laughter of his children; instead, he heard crying. Something was wrong.
Spencer’s vision went blurry and cloudy as the sky darkened. The choppy waves became even choppier and began to wash over him. He lost control of his buoyancy but quickly gained it back. The very loud scream of his daughter Lilli brought him out of his happiness.
“Daddy?”
“Lilli? Where are you honey? Daddy can’t see you.” His arms were failing about, trying to regain his balance on the water.
“Daddy what’s wrong with your arm? What’s happening to you?” Spencer tried to look at his arm but his stiff neck wouldn’t let him.
“I don’t know sweetheart. I can’t…see…” His lost his balance and fell into the water.
“DADDY!!” She screamed even louder then he heard the screams of his son Daniel.
“Daniel, can you help me? I can’t get out of the water.”
“Reach out for me daddy!” Daniel cried. It was no use. Daniel’s arms were too short and Spencer was floating away. “No daddy, not that way, this way!”
“Daniel! Lilli!! Get help! Help me!” The waves were taking him further away from his children and further from his life and all that he loved. He could hear Simon’s voice calling him.
“Spencer! Hold on I’m coming!”
The waves are too much. Too much. They’re taking me too far….too far away. Lilli!! Daniel! Simon! Help! Somebody Help
“Spencer, can you hear me? Spencer?” Simon’s voice was fuzzy in Spencer’s ears and he could feel a gentle pat on his cheek. “Spencer, honey wake up. It’s Simon. Can you hear me baby?”
“Save me…” He murmured. “Daniel, daddy needs you…save me…”
“Spencer!” A now frantic Simon started to shake his husband a little harder each time. “Spencer. Wake. Up.”
“Simon? Save me…I’m drowning.”
“Stay awake. Spencer what did you take? Spencer!” Behind him, Simon could hear a knock on their bedroom door.
“Papa is daddy awake yet? We want to show him our report cards.” Daniel asked. Simon looked at Spencer and his eyes were almost rolling towards the back of his head.
“He’s not feeling well at the moment. Why don’t you guys go down stairs and make a picture to help him feel better, ok?”
“Ok papa.” Then he heard little footsteps run back down the stairs.
“Don’t go…Lilli, Daniel…daddy needs you…”
“Spencer you’ve got to wake up! What is going on? What’s in this box?” Simon picked Spencer up and laid him on the bed. He grabbed the fake book and read the contents of the vials. “Dilaudid? Spencer I thought we got rid of all this mess. God help me this vial is empty. Spencer!”
“The clouds were so pretty…then I started drowning…I’m drowning… Simon…save me…” Simon looked at Spencer’s arms and didn’t see any track marks or blood but the left sleeve was wet.
“Oh my God Spencer the vial is empty, the syringe is empty. Baby what did you do?” He reached over to grab the phone and call 911 but Spencer grabbed his arm first. “Spencer I gotta get you some help; let me call the EMTs.”
“I’ll be ok if you just save me.”
“Spencer you took vial of Dilaudid! I need help with this please let me call them.”
“I didn’t take it,” he whispered.
“What?”
“I didn’t take it. Hands shaking too much, couldn’t focus.”
“Spencer what are you talking about?” Simon looked around and saw the bottle of Jack Daniel’s sitting on the nightstand. It was wedding gift from Simon’s cousin, who worked at the plant in Lynchburg, TN. Spencer had gotten better at drinking alcohol but he was still at a three-drink maximum. This bottle was 100% proof and had aged with them eight years. Half of the bottle was gone. Spencer William Reid was drunk. “You drank a half a bottle of this? Oh my God baby, please tell me what’s going on?”
“Bad case in Utah.”
“What about the drugs? The vial is empty.”
“I didn’t take it. I promise.” Simon took Spencer’s left arm and smelled the sleeve. Spencer was too drunk to actually roll up his sleeve, tie his arm and inject himself with the drugs. He must have thought he was injecting himself and the drug wasted on his shirtsleeve. Simon had never been so thankful in his life. Spencer began to cry. “I couldn’t handle the case. I tore up my office looking for it but in the end, I couldn’t take it. Too much at stake.” Simon knelt next to the bed and pulled his husband into his arms.
“Spencer please don’t scare me like that ever again! It was by the grace of God that I made it up here first. This was the first place the children were headed. They didn’t even want to put their books down they wanted to surprise you so! What if you had taken this mess? What if they had found you passed out, or…or worse.” Simon couldn’t hold back his tears. “I, we could have lost you Spencer.”
“I’m sorry.” Spencer said sobbing. “I just wanted to feel happy.”
“You should have called me the minute you landed. I would have left work to come get you so you wouldn’t have to be alone. Remember I made that promise to you baby? I meant it.” Spencer held on tighter to Simon. “I don’t even know what I would have said to our children if-”
“I didn’t even think about them. Oh, God please forgive me! I would never want to hurt them.”
“I know baby. Look at me.” Simon said as he took Spencer’s face in his hands. “Sometimes those cravings make you forget who you are, what you have. You have us baby, depend on us. I promise we’ll do everything we can to make you not want those horrible things anymore.” Spencer touched his forehead to Simon’s, tears streaming down both of their cheeks.
“You saved me. I knew you could.”
“Everyday you let me, I will.”
- 8
- 9
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Dreams