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.Reno 9.1	By : keithcompany Category: M through R > Reno 911 Views: 1837 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Reno 911, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Reno 9.1
- 1
Disclaimer: This work is my own. The characters belong to the network owning Reno 911. Do not repost this story beyond the limits of the Fair Use standards of Copyright Law (quotes, examples, 'you gotta read this' excerpts, the usual).
I tend to work with size-themed fiction, which includes overwhelming control issues and outrageous differences in scale. Such disparate sizes between partners is not for everyone, so be warned.
the author is not making any kind of profit from this fanfic.

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This story is part of the Featherstone cycle, which includes Therapy, Reno 9.1, Scales of Justice, but those stories do not have to be read before reading this one.
*****A MAP*****
This story's location in the Featherstone cycle is mapped out at: http://elephanticity.250x.com/size/feather.htm
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(Opening scene, Washoe County Sherriff’s Office, squad briefing room. Dangle and others are present. A man in a business suit stands near Dangle at the podium)
DANGLE: Okay, people, we have a very important visitor here, today, and we need to give him our full cooperation, our full attention, and Weigel, I need you to shut up.
WIEGEL: I’m not saying anything.
DANGLE: That’s good. Just keep it up, please. Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Agent Leiter of the CIA.
LEITER: Thank you, Lieutenant. Now, the reason I’m here-
JUNIOR: Excuse me, Agent Leiter?
LEITER: Yes?
JUNIOR: Of the CIA?
LEITER: Yes…
JUNIOR: Like in James Bond?
LEITER (sighs): James Bond is fiction. I work for the REAL CIA.
JUNIOR: Okay.
LEITER: Okay, there’s a very bad criminal loose in the country. There is a combined CIA/FBI task force that tracks his whereabouts, and we feel there is a chance he’ll turn up in Reno.
JOHNSON: How big is the chance?
LEITER: It’s, uh, above zero.
WILLIAMS: How high above zero?
LEITER: That’s not important. What’s important is that our analysts feel there is a chance. So I’m here to coordinate any efforts, and brief you. Now, we’re after a Doctor Featherstone. He’s stolen some sensitive government equipment and made…well, a shrink ray out of it.
WILLIAMS: A shrink ray?
LEITER: Yes…
WILLIAMS: As in ‘head case’ shrink or ‘mad scientist’ shrink?
LEITER: It makes people smaller. Like, a foot tall. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on if he’s tinkered with the machine.
JONES: The whole body, or just parts of it?
JOHNSON: What are you worried about, Jonesy? Being a foot tall with a ten inch…hand?
JONES: Well, if it’s my… HAND… that’s almost as long as I am, everything would be normal. (they smile to each other)
LEITER (reaches into briefcase): Now, we normally have to prove to local law enforcement that this is a real threat so I brought a shrunken cow as a …. A convincing… (paws through briefcase)    Damn, where’d that cow go?
DANGLE: Well, never mind that, Agent Leiter. We accept the word of the CIA for the real and present danger of this mad scientist with a shrinking ray. Don’t we guys? (he nods his head vigorously. The camera pans the stone faces of the rest of the squad)
GARCIA: Isn’t the CIA impotent…I mean, legally, within the borders of the US?
JONES: Yeah, that’s right. This is FBI jurisdiction.
LEITER: Doctor Featherstone has crossed US borders a number of times, and he sells his services to international terrorist organizations, thus he falls under the CIA’s purview. He's escaped from the custody of several federal organizations, so we're all cooperating in his recapture.
JOHNSON: So, you’ve got, like, the top one hundred cities where this…Featherstone is likely to show up staked out, right?
LEITER: Exactly!
JOHNSON: And, the FBI is coordinating the effort in the top 50 cities, because they have jurisdiction. And the CIA is taking up the last 50 because the FBI ran out of bodies.
LEITER: That’s, uh, about right.
WILLIAMS: So, Reno is in the bottom 50?
LEITER: Um, yeah.
JUNIOR: How far down?
LEITER: Well, not the bottom, bottom. Just, you know, near the bottom.
DANGLE: What’s below us?
LEITER: Uh…. (takes out a notebook, pages through it) …um…uh…New Jersey.
GARCIA: How many cities in New Jersey are less likely than Reno?
LEITER: Oh, it isn’t broken down. Just ‘New Jersey.’ (The officers share a look.)
WIEGEL: Okay, there’s something I don’t get.
LEITER: What’s that?
WIEGEL: How come you looked different in every movie? Was that a disguise or a medical problem?
LEITER: Right. RIGHT! I’m Felix Leiter! I exist, I was hired, my whole office in the CIA has nothing better to do than clean up after James [bleep]ing Bond, while he [bleep]s felons crossing international borders to escape prosecution, and I also pay for his shirts! (storms from squad room, slams door)
JUNIOR: You know he does kinda look like the way Leiter was described in the books.
JOHNSON: You read the Bond Books?
JUNIOR: Yeah.
JOHNSON: You know that there are James Bond movies out, right?
JONES: Was that when you were not getting laid in high school, or when you were not getting laid in the Academy.
JUNIOR: I, uh, I…well, I re-read them at the Academy.
DANGLE: He did look the same in ‘Live and Let Die’ and ‘License to Kill.’
WIEGEL: Yeah, but never two movies in a row.   I just want to know what he REALLY looks like.
JONES: In ‘Never Say Never Again’ he was black.
JUNIOR: Well, that one was a different studio, they couldn’t use anyone from the original franchise.
GARCIA: What the hell do you mean, they had Sean Connery! He’s the original James Bond.
WILLIAMS: And the best.
JOHNSON: I kinda like Brosnan.
WILLIAMS: Yeah, but Connery’s butt-
DANGLE: People, people, let’s get back on track here. (looks at everyone as they settle down to listen. Turns to Junior)    Now, Travis, how many books are there?
(SNAP! Sound of a mousetrap going off.)
WEIGEL: Oh! That’s my mousetrap going off! I set some to catch the mouse that keeps widdling in the sugar bowl! (she points, Dangle turns to look in the corner.)
DANGLE: Eugh… Oh, my lord. Jones, go tell Agent Leiter that we found his cow.
-----
(Outside of an average house, no signs of life, Williams and Johnson are pulled up, doors open, covering the house with their sidearms. Cars arrive on the scene, park in a line across the street, everyone converges on W & J’s position, crouching down behind the cars.)
DANGLE: Whadda ya got?
WILLIAMS: We have a report of someone shrinking at this address.
JOHNSON: So we called for backup.
LEITER: Okay. Okay. Alright. Let’s, uh. Let’s be careful. Is anyone covering the back?
DANGLE: Jones and Garcia are in the alley.
LEITER: Right. Alright. Okay, let’s take the place. And watch out for the shrink ray. (Everyone gets up and starts to move towards the house, weapons drawn.)
JUNIOR: What’s the range on that ray?
LEITER (behind everyone else):    Oh, about five feet. We think. (Everyone stops walking, steps backwards to return to their crouch positions under cover)
WILLIAMS: What the hell do you mean, you THINK?
LEITER: Well, no one’s ever reported being shrunk beyond that range.
DANGLE: Uh huh. And has anyone ever not been able to report what range they were shrunk at?
LEITER: Uh, yeah. There are a few questions remaining. Now, let’s go get Featherstone! (No one moves.)
JONES (From front door of house): Hey, GUYS! You gotta come see this.
(Inside the house, in the kitchen, a teenage male is on his knees, acting weird. He’s reaching up towards the counter, which is within his reach, but not grasping anything. About 5 foot tall, he looks really stupid pretending to be a pygmy)
WILLIAMS: What the hell you doin’?
TEEN1 (waves wildly to draw the cops’ attention): I’m down here! I’m shrunk! Please don’t step on me!
LEITER: Oh, lord.
DANGLE: What?
LEITER: It’s microsomatognosia. A psychosis where the patient imagines that his or her body is abnormally small. It’s also called the Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. This isn’t Featherstone, it’s just loopy. (turns to leave the house, all cops holster their weapons.)
WILLIAMS (leaning over the teen):    Now, how small do you estimate you are?
TEEN 1: I’m about 11 inches tall. Careful. Your gigantic voice is overwhelming me!
WILLIAMS (speaking softly): Raineesha often has that affect on men. Now, if I were to aim a weapon at a spot about yea high, it would miss you, right? Since you’re so small?
TEEN 1: Uh, yeah?
(Williams draws her mace can and sprays the teen in the face. He screams and folds, falling to the ground)
WILLIAMS: So, looks like your EYES are three feet up in the air, how tall you think that makes you?!
(Dangle and Johnson are exiting the house when another teen, taking big, wide steps, comes to the front porch. He bends down and speaks to them. About 5 foot tall, he looks really stupid pretending to be a giant)
TEEN 2: Hi, there, little people. Don’t be afraid. I am very careful not to step on little people with my abnormally large feet.
DANGLE (to Johnson): I wonder if there’s a macro version of that micro-magic-hose-ya?
JOHNSON (into the house): Hey, Raineesha? How high up do you think you can reach with that spray?
----
(Squad car: Dangle is driving, Weigel is in the other seat. View is from near Weigel's feet.)
WEIGEL: You know I shrank once. I was on a cross-country flight, and we crash landed in a park. And it was like a city of giants.
DANGLE: Trudy, you know you’re not supposed to watch TV right before it’s time to take your meds. That’s ‘Land of the Giants.’
WEIGEL: No, I told you, it was the city of giants. Oh! Look! There’s a tiny man over there!
DANGLE: Where?
WEIGEL: A tiny man! A victim of Doctor Featherstone, trying to get that little boy’s attention to save him from the cats and ravens!
DANGLE: WHERE? WHERE?
WEIGEL (pointing out the side window as they drive by): Right on the sidewalk! Next to the kid with all the GI Joe toys.
DANGLE: Weigel! You’re such a-
WEIGEL (points straight ahead): AH! Look out for the –
(SMASH! View is obscured by the inflation of the safety bags.)
----
(night. Outside of a heavily neon-lit bar. Jones and Garcia bracket the door, guns drawn, as the rest of the squad rushes to backup positions)
JONES: Got waved down as we drove by. A very frightened guy told us there were tiny people all over the place in here.
GARCIA: We’re about to rush the place.
DANGLE: Okay, people, let’s go! (mass rush as they storm the bar. Camera brings up the rear (beside Leiter) as they spread out. On the small stage a number of dwarves in tights and cowboy hats form a pyramid. Chanting from the fans tapers off as they note the cops. As the police halt in confusion, a man in a suit approaches, waving his arms.)
LOON: Little people! Without shame! Flaunting their very-
LEITER: Oh, crap.
----
(Squad room. Junior and Williams speak to the camera.)
JUNIOR: No, I’m not really worried about being shrunk when we take down Featherstone. Figure if there’s enough of us, even if he shrinks one of us, the others’ll get a shot.
WILLIAMS: Yeah, safety in numbers. It’s about the only safety we got around here.
-----
(Squad car: Garcia driving, Jones riding)
GARCIA: So. What’s the first thing you’d do if you got shrunk?
JONES: What, all of me? All the way?
GARCIA: Yeah. Say you’re about a foot tall.
JONES: I’d call up Tonya.
GARCIA: Tonya?
JONES: Yeah, Tonya. She’s got this Jacuzzi in her place. I think I could talk her into letting me go diving for sunken treasure.
GARCIA: (laughs)
JONES: (laughs)
GARCIA: How you gonna call her?
JONES: What?
GARCIA: Well, all the phones are up about yea high off the floor.
JONES: Damn, that’s right. Hey, if I get shrunk, would you call Tonya for me?
GARCIA: Sure, what’s her number?
(Jones turns to look suspiciously at Garcia)
----
(Sheriff’s office. Leiter speaks to the camera.)
LEITER: No, these false calls and stuff don’t bother me. Most of what we, in the CIA, do, and what law enforcement types do, involves evaluating ALL the evidence (behind Leiter’s head, a small hand puppet appears from behind the counter), and determining what does and what does not actually help your mission. (puppet starts moving towards Leiter’s head) What impresses me is how professional these men and women in Reno Sheriff’s Office are. I mean, usually our task force gets ridiculed by the locals until (puppet taps Leiter’s head. Leiter turns)
JUNIOR (high squeaky voice): Mr. CIA? I want to report a felony shrinking. I was walking into my office, this morning…
LEITER: [BLEEP!] (Leiter storms out of the room)
JUNIOR (high squeaky voice): Mr. CIA? Are you going to take my statement? (Puppet turns to the camera) Mr. Camera? I’m ready for my close-up! (Camera zooms in on Puppet. Puppet waves.)
----
(Sheriff’s office. Leiter sits by the dispatcher desk, bored and depressed.)
WILLIAMS (voice over radio): Hello? Dispatch? Is Leiter there?
LEITER: Yes.
WILLIAMS (voice over radio): Agent Leiter, we have a Caucasian male, wandering down the street talking to prostitutes.
LEITER: In Reno? Big surprise.
WILLIAMS (voice over radio): Well, we think we saw him shrink a prostitute and stuff her into a pocket. She was there one minute, and the next she was gone.
LEITER (a bit more excited, but wary): Really? You’re sure she didn’t just walk off?
WILLIAMS (voice over radio): It’s Olympic Olivia, Agent, she doesn’t walk off.
JUNIOR (voice over radio): No, that’s true, you got to beat her with a stick to get her off her johns.
GARCIA (voice over radio): Or anyone she thinks is a potential john.
LEITER: Okay, okay, where are you?
WILLIAMS (voice over radio): We’re on the corner of Wabash and Onota. He’s coming towards us.
GARCIA (voice over radio): We’re about a block away!
(Dangle and Weigel run to the dispatch desk from different directions. Both shout ‘C’mon’ and lead LEITER and camera out to parking lot)

(Squad car: Dangle Driving, Wiegel riding, Leiter and camera in backseat. Nighttime city scenes passing by outside car windows.)
DANGLE: Okay, we’re in transit to the last known location of Johnson and Williams. We got a report from Garcia and Junior, they’re in pursuit.
(Squad car: Dangle driving, buildings gone, out in the sticks. Caption: half an hour later)
WEIGEL: Okay, we’ve gotten a few updates on the pursuit, but Travis has always had a problem with direction. He said going EAST on West Onota but he meant going WEST on East Onota.
DANGLE: He does that all the time, but the first time you count on it, of course, is the one time he gets it right. Oh, what’s that?
(Dangle runs down a dirt road a short ways to a police car’s flashing light. Camera follows. Suddenly, he’s right on top of it. Junior, Garcia and Jones stand beside three cop cars. All the men are 9 inches tall, the cars are at the same scale.)
DANGLE: Um, oh. Doctor Featherstone, I presume?
JONES: Yeah, cute.    He took Williams and Johnson, and Joe.
-----
(on a polished wooden surface, the camera is focused on a video cassette. Suddenly a giant hammer smashes it to splinters. The camera pans up to a giant face hovering over the table top. Dr. Featherstone smiles down.)
FEATHERSTONE: There. Now there’s no evidence of my collection or escape that might aid law enforcement in their pursuit. But this might be interesting, Joe. I’ve never performed for a camera before. Or, rather, I’ve never had My Girls perform for one. (he nods to one side, the camera pans. A row of six cages line the table, with a tiny woman in each one. Johnson, Williams and a blonde dressed as a street prostitute stand before the cages. What we can see of the room appears to be a standard motel room) Now, the three of you will undress.
JOHNSON: This is stupid.
WILLIAMS: Yes, you forgot. We’re armed. (they both draw) Now fix Raineesha back to her voluptuous normal size!
FEATHERSTONE: Every cop I do this to ignores basic physics. The charge in your bullets is reduced, but the metal of your pistols is much less, in scale. The explosion of the round will destroy-
(BLAM! Camera pans around to see Williams knocked on her ass, gun barrel shattered like in an Elmer Fudd cartoon, Featherstone holding his hand to his cheek!
FEATHERSTONE: You dumb [bleep]!! I told you it wasn’t going to do any good! (he raises his hammer again)
-----
(on the roadside)
DANGLE (reaching down to the other cops): C’mon! Let’s get to the car and find Raineesha and Clementine! (the small men scramble from his grip) Hey, what?
GARCIA: I’m just, uh, not comfortable with being picked up by you, uh, Dangle.
JONES Yeah, Lieutenant. There’s three of us, and you only have two hands.
JUNIOR: Oh, yeah. So either you carry us squeezed together, or you put one of us…
JONES: In a pocket.
GARCIA: I am NOT riding around in Dangle’s [bleep]ing pocket.
JONES: Well, I don’t want to be grip-buddies with you in his hand, either.
JUNIOR: For that matter, I don’t want to be alone in his grip…
DANGLE: Oh, for the love of…WIEGEL!
JUNIOR: Oh. Uh, I don’t really want Wiegel to pick me up, either.
-----
(on the table top)(Johnson aims pistol up at Featherstone, who sneers)
FEATHERSTONE: Oh, come on! The black [bleep] nearly blew her arm off to pop my cheek with something smaller than a zit. What are you going to do?
JOHNSON: You know, I never noticed before. Eyes. I love deep, dark, brown eyes. (she sights in) They remind me of romantic bullseyes.
(BLAM! Camera pans around to see Johnson knocked on her ass, gun barrel shattered like in an Elmer Fudd cartoon, Featherstone holding his hand to his eye)
FEATHERSTONE: You [bleep]!! You [bleep]ing [bleep]!!   What is WRONG with you [bleep]s??!?
-----
(on the roadside)
(Camera tracks Wiegel as she runs up to the shrunken cops)
WIEGEL: How’s this? This is all we have. (holds a donut box out to Dangle)
DANGLE: Don’t ask me, they’re the picky ones.
JONES: I can’t see. Are there any donuts in the box?
(Rather than bend down where they can see, Wiegel takes inventory)
WIEGEL: Well, we’ve got a jelly filled with powdered sugar, we’ve got a coconut, we’ve got a custard…
DANGLE: That’s lemon.
WIEGEL: It looks to me like custard.
DANGLE: We had one custard, and I already ate it. I almost ate that one, THINKING it was custard, but at the last second I realized it was lemon.
WIEGEL (Bites donut): Oh. Yeah, I guess it is lemon. I don’t like lemon, either. (starts to put it back in the box, shouts from the ground stop her) Oh! I’m so sorry. (holds donut down to shrunken cops) Did you guys want a bite?
-----
(on the table top)(Featherstone holds one hand over his eye, still, raises his hammer menacingly with the other)
FEATHERSTONE: Well! Welly, well, well, well. At least we’re through with that farce. Your guns are useless, now, and you will paydearly for-
OLIVIA: Oh YEAH?
(Camera turns just in time to catch Olivia pulling a gun from her purse and firing a round at Featherstone’s face. Knocked on ass, shattered gun, Featherstone staggers around the room for a while, bleeping profusely)
-----
(on the roadside)(Dangle and Wiegel rush back to the car, Dangle carrying the donut box. Leiter is beside the car, on his cell phone)
LEITER: Yes, sir. I know, sir. But this is for sure, sir. Yes, I know I said that before. (Sees cops) Okay, can we go, now?!?!
DANGLE: Yeah. Let’s go. (everyone back in their places, Leiter in back seat, still on phone, with donut box in his lap)
LEITER: Sir! I can prove it to you! (takes a pick of the donut box contents with camera feature of his phone.) Do you see them, sir? No, sir. NO, it is NOT a joke, sir. It just happened to be the only box we had, sir, it isn’t a cops and donuts joke.
-----
(on the table top)(Featherstone holds the hammer over the table. Blood drips from both cheeks and one eye is closed)
FEATHERSTONE: Alright, now. You’ve had your fun. But you’re out of guns. So you will behave, or I will break every bone in your body.
WILLIAMS: Well, I don’t know about these blonde bimbos here, but you don’t DARE do anything to Raineesha Williams.
FEATHERSTONE: What? Why wouldn’t I?
WILLIAMS: Because of my connections.
FEATHERSTONE: To who?
WILLIAMS: If you saw my tattoo, you’d know.
FEATHERSTONE: Tattoo? What tattoo?
(Williams turns her back to Featherstone, lowers her pants and panties over her butt.)
WILLIAMS: See?
FEATHERSTONE: I don’t see anything (leans closer to the tiny cop’s ass).
WILLIAMS: It doesn’t show up well against my personal pigmentation but it’s there. (Featherstone leans closer, Johnson steps closer to the camera)
JOHNSON: This oughta be good.
FEATHERSTONE: Which cheek is it on?
(Williams spins around and throws her mace can into Featherstone’s mouth as he talks. It bounces off a tooth and explodes.)
-----
(In the station, normal sized Willams and Johnson are talking to the camera)
JOHNSON: Well, I’ve been in the shower room with Raineesha a time or two, and I knew for a fact that she doesn’t have a tattoo.
WILLIAMS: And I knew that he’d want to look closely at my ass, anyway.
JOHNSON: So, knowing her, and knowing that if our gun barrels weren’t strong enough to contain the pressure of the bullet going off-
WILLIAMS: -then most likely, the can of mace was only barely holding that pressure in.
-----
(in the squad car)
LEITER: Yes, sir. I’m aware of that, sir. Need to know. Absolutely. Classified information. Yes, sir. Never again, sir. (hangs up, turns to camera) It seems that I forgot that the fact of shrinking isn’t general public knowledge.   So I just transmitted top secret information over an open phone line. But, you know, I’m sure no one would intercept…(phone rings, he reads text message) Oh, look. Sprint has accepted my mobile phone picture for their contest…Oh, [bleep].
-----
(on the table top)(Featherstone screams and falls backwards from the table. As he flops and twitches on the ground, Williams steps to the edge of the table and shouts down)
WILLIAMS: You have the right to remain silent, mother [bleep]er. Anything you say, I will make sure comes back to haunt your dumb ass!
JOHNSON: Hey, Olivia? How about you open up these cages while Joe and I try to make it over to the phone on the nightstand?
-----
(In the station, Leiter shakes hands with Dangle)
LEITER: Thanks a lot, Lieutenant. You and your people have done some outstanding work, here.
DANGLE: Thanks. And, uh, thank Doctor Goldman, will you? For bringing my people, and Joe, here, back to normal size?
LEITER: Will do, L.T. Will do. I’m, uh, sorry about your missing officer.
DANGLE: Well, he’ll probably turn up, eventually.
LEITER: Give us a call, then, we’ll get him back to normal right away. (Leiter turns, shanks hands with Johnson, Williams, Jones, Garcia, Wiegel. Waves to the camera and departs.)
DANGLE: Okay, people, let’s get to the squad room and get ready for the day.
----
(Squad room. Deputies begin to enter and take their seats. Weigel is humming a song.)
JOHNSON: Oh, my god. What oldies station did you hear that on?
WEIGEL: Hear what on?
JOHNSON: That song you’re humming.
WEIGEL: Oh. I don’t know.
JOHNSON: What is it? I know it but I can’t quite remember…
DANGLE: That’s a Helen Reddy song, isn’t it? Angie Baby?
JOHNSON: That’s it. Boy that’s a creepy one.
WILLIAMS: What? What’s creepy?
JOHNSON: This teenage girl has imaginary boyfriends, but when a guy breaks into her room, to rape her…
DANGLE: She uses the radio to shrink him, ‘never to be found.’
JOHNSON: Yeah, the town thinks he died or ran off or something, and she keeps him as a pet lover.
(Everyone stops and looks at Weigel)
DANGLE: Trudy? Where’s Travis?
----
(Travis sits on a desktop, speaking to the camera, wearing a Ken doll track outfit, drinking from a thimble)
JUNIOR: Yeah, it’s okay, really. I went from six beers a night to one. Or as much of one as I can finish. (he waves, camera pans to a beer bottle as big as Junior) And you know, I always avoided Trudy, because she’s just [bleep]ing nuts. But now, when we make love, her head’s like, a block away. So all the stuff she says, it’s like she’s being stupid out by the Amtrak station while I’m getting busy downtown.
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.Reno 9.1