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The Stairwell Postulate	By : Keen Category: 1 through F > The Big Bang Theory Views: 10097 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: Guess what….I don’t own The Big Bang Theory! Shocker, I know. But I wrote this and created the characters not of the show. And I make no money, so they have no reason to sue me. Right? Right.

Chapter List
- 1
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A/N: Written way back
when the first season was new, I’m posting this finally because I’ve made some
headway. I’m going to attempt to keep everyone in character, but things happen.
Especially when sex is involved. Definitely
when sex is involved. And hopefully this will have a proper home on the
AFF database soon. Also, please comment,
even if you don’t like it. The only reason any of us post in public is to get
feedback.

            “I don’t even know why I bother…I’m
helping make a birthday party for someone who dumped me. How lame is that?”
            Shaking her head, Penny rested her weight
on one side, her hand on her hip. She studied her fire-engine red finger nails
through her blonde bangs. The manicure she got earlier today was flawless, but
still she picked at them, trying to stay awake while the men in front of her
squabbled.
            “I cannot believe you said that. I honestly cannot believe you just said
that!” Howard hissed. His feet moved agitatedly in place, his spindly fingers
clenched and posed like a claw. The man who’s throat
he wanted to rip out with it seemed innocently perplexed by the motion thus
reminding the enraged engineer, his statement necessitated explanation. He took
a calming breath, “There would be no ‘next generation’ if there wasn’t the
original, Sheldon.”
            “Agreed,” The taller man nodded,
clasping his hands behind his long back. “However, being first does not always
speak to the quality of something. Take for instance the first mass produced
car, the Model T by Ford, 1908. At best it could reach a maximum speed of forty
five miles per hour but since then, building on the foundation—the primary
principles and concepts of that first model—we now have the SSC Ultimate Aero
TT exactly one hundred years later that can exceed that by 212 miles per hour.”
            Howard simply blinked, “So?”
            “So, I think it goes without saying
that the SSC is a significant and substantial improvement over this first and
original prototype just as Star Trek: The Next Generation was a significant and
substantial improvement over the original.”
            Howard shivered with his kept anger,
the tension welling inside him sending the neatly clipped ends of his bowl
haircut dancing over his brow. “I don’t care! I don’t care!” he shouted,
ripping the package from the shelf. “I don’t even know why I bothered asking
you. I am getting Leonard the special edition first season BluRay
set of the original Star Trek and
that is final.”
            “I do not know why you bothered
asking me either as I have presented you with a sound
argument for the correct choice and you are spitefully choosing to go
against it.”
            “I asked you for your opinion to help me make the decision, Sheldon…which
totally my fault…” Howard mumbled, stalking down the aisle.
            Feeling him pass by, Penny looked up
from her nails, her lips twisted in apathy. “So, does this—,” she paused,
motioning to the growing space between Sheldon and Howard, “—mean we’re done
here? I was hoping that this time, shopping for Leonard’s birthday gifts would
be a more speedy process.”
            She leered at Sheldon and he
flinchingly narrowed his eyes some. “What?” he asked innocently, folding his
arms out of discomfort. She was nearly a foot and half
smaller than him but she managed to make him feel like a child with that glare
of hers.
            Penny put both hands on her hip and
took a step closer, “I have had to pry you away from helping six—count ‘em—six random
strangers pick out electronics. I would like to get to the party on time this
year.”
            Sheldon’s brow wrinkled with
confusion, “But it is at the end of the week.”
            “I know!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. “We have been here
since it opened at ten in the morning, it is now two
thirty-six in the afternoon! Most of the time was wasted while you helped those
random strangers.”
            Sheldon lowered his head, sulking
like a petulant child, “I can’t help it if I am knowledgeable,” he grumbled.
            Penny took a deep breath and turned
to her left, “Raj, would you please stop Howard? The last thing we need is for
him to go off and get sidetracked by some poor unsuspecting woman. We’ll meet
up front and call this disaster a day.”
            Raj nodded eagerly and took off,
only to stop dead in his tracks. A high pitched scream said he was already too
late. Penny rolled her eyes with a curse.

            The trio rushed to the next aisle
over and were surprised to see Howard was the one making the shrill female
sounding shriek. He lay on his side, his hands clasped over his eyes. A curvy
woman in an ivory coloured dress and heels stood over him, a can of pepper
spray trained on his face. She walked away coolly as the group rounded the
corner, kicking the man once for good measure as she did.
            Penny was the first at his side, she
crouched over his twitching body, looking at his red face, “Howard are you
alright?!”
            Blinking, the man rolled onto his
back, the searing smell of the pepper swirling about his suddenly smiling face.
“I am now,” he grinned.
            Penny followed the direction of his
eyes as they travelled up her legs to her skirt and then slumped.
“Unbelievable,” She cinched the flowing pleated ends together and kicked him
for his crudeness. “I wish she could spray you again,” she grit. “Get up, we’re
leaving now. This field trip is over! I’m getting Leonard a gift card and you
all can do this on your own time…”

            Penny marched out of the store and
stood with her arms folded, waiting impatiently for trio of academics to catch
up to her. Her usually sunny and carefree flame had been stamped out during the
course of the day. Now she was a seething mass of bitter anger and irritation.
She could not have imagined a worse way to spend her day off.
            For four hours, she was trapped in
the cold of an electronics megastore with three men who knew entirely too much about how every piece of
merchandise functioned. Every purchase suggestion she or anyone else made was
shot down immediately, shredded mercilessly and then forgotten when something
else was picked up, at which time the cycle would start anew.
            Penny would have simply walked away
a long time ago, if she had had the foresight to bring her own car. Which is
why she was stuck waiting for Howard and company now in the blazing mid-day California sun. All she
wanted to do was go home, put her purchases away and sit down with a pint of
ice cream and possibly a bottle of rum and forget the world, but it seemed as
things were doomed to get worse before they would get better.
            Howard, face still red and eyes wet,
sauntered to her side and put an arm around her. “So, where
to next m’lady? Perhaps a private dinner?” he
winked.
            Penny turned with all the rigidness
of a wall, her eyes narrowed to angry slits. “Get. The.
Car.”
            Howard gulped and readily obeyed,
sprinting off toward the maze of roasting-in-the-sun cars. She watched him go
as she ran her fingers through her long shining hair. Howard darted left and
right, the pepper spraying and kick to the stomach must have jumbled his memory
because he obviously forgot where he parked.
            Penny shook her head and then looked
skyward, her arms out, purse dangling on her outstretched arm. “Could this day
get any worse?!” she yelled.
            Sheldon was about to answer her
rhetorical question with a yes and list several pointed scenarios, when her
rueful shouting turned into a scream. Penny flailed and screeched as she felt
herself being shoved toward the concrete side of the store’s front. She fell
against it with a dull smack and a body rushed to crush against hers. She felt
a strong and forceful arm wrapped around her waist and then she screamed again,
louder. The hand, the gnarled hand of a strange man, neared her breasts. She
thought he was going to cop a feel or worse but he sunk his fingers into what
was huddled between them instead—her purse. The thief ripped it away from her
with little effort, sending her twisting like a top to the floor.
            Penny stood in a heartbeat and
watched the robber book like the wind down the shopping plaza breezeway. She
looked back to the men at her back, their eyes wide and glazed in shock, just
as hers were.
            “Well!” she screeched, expectantly.
            “Well what?” Sheldon replied,
stepping forward.
            “Go after him!”
            Sheldon let out a snorting breath of
a laugh but the curl to his lip flattened when he realised she was serious.
“And do what?” he demanded, his eyes darting between her face and the
thief. While he was as tall as the
unknown assailant but the crazed vagrant had at least a hundred pounds on him—all
of them muscles, grown and strengthened in a prison yard no doubt. They flexed
and bulged as he moved, streaking like light down the paved walk.
            “Go after him!” Penny demanded.
            Sheldon stepped forward, his finger
raised, “May I remind you that the most physical activity I participate in on a
daily basis is climbing the stairs that lead to my apartment?”
            “Just go!” she shouted, pushing him in the direction. She could see the
thief haphazardly turn the corner, his arms flailing with her hot pink purse in
hand. “Go, Sheldon or so help me god when we go home I will use your toothbrush
and I’ll wait until you least expect it so you’ll never know!”
            Sheldon’s eyes went wide and he
blinkingly trotted off in the direction she pointed. He looked back frequently,
hoping she would soon come to her senses and tell him he did not have to
willingly offer himself up for what would inevitably be a sound beating but
Penny continued to shout at him to hurry, sweeping her hands behind him to urge
him on. So he did.
            Sheldon cinched his fists and ran
with long legged stride, trying to forget the scream of his sense of self
preservation echoing in his head.

            When he started to vanish from
sight, Penny gave up waiting for Howard and followed after Sheldon. As she did
she could not help but remark how fast the praying mantis-looking man could
run. She could barely keep up as she followed behind him, even after she took
her high heeled shoes into her hands.
            Sheldon was a surprisingly swift
runner but then against she imagined he would have to be. He was most likely
ten times more pretentious and irritating as a child then he was now, so
running away from a playground of insulted classmates and bullies were probably
his only saving grace from the beatings they assured.
            Penny slid round the corner and Raj
was not far behind. He kept her from falling as she pitched forward, her
balance thrown off from sliding on the smooth tile. He raised her up in time to
see Sheldon near the thief, clipping at his heels as he pushed himself to go
faster.

            The thief turned with a sound,
surprised to see the thin and pale man next to him. The dapper dressed stranger
actually passed him for a moment but then slowed to keep up with his stride and
tap him on the shoulder.
            “Excuse me,” Sheldon began, “Would
you mind terribly giving me the purse in your hand?”
            The thief stopped immediately and
looked around him. He was both unsettled by the polite and cordial request and
the fact that the man had the balls to say it.
            “Oh thank goodness.” Sheldon slowed
and put his hands on his sides, squeezing as he struggled to breathe. Rising up
he turned to face the would be thief with outstretched hand, “I am so glad we
could end this without further incident I wo—”
            Penny screamed, loud and shrill.
            Sheldon stepped forward with his
hand out and the thief cracked him once across the face, sending him twisting
to the ground. He lay on his side, hands clasped to his bloody nose, writhing
in pain as the thief jumped over him like an everyday hurdle, heading down yet
another breezeway.
            Penny thought her purse was gone
forever when suddenly an arm swung out and caught the guy under the throat. The
thief fell back and a woman in a suit hopped on top of him, straddling him with
strong thighs, forcing his own arms down on his throat. Another man in an
equally well fitting suit walked behind her with a gun pointed on the suspect.
            “Police!
Stop resisting,” he boomed.
            The thief begrudgingly obeyed,
falling still on his back, letting the woman shackle him.
            “Damn!” Penny turned sharply to hear
Raj shout the word. He clasped his hands over his still open mouth but Penny
shook his shoulder reassuringly.
            “I was thinking the same thing,” she
said, running toward the melee.

            Holstering his weapon, Detective
Felix Marshall fell on the thief’s neck with his knee, helping his partner cuff
the man. While he wrestled to bring him off the floor, she took up the purse
and walked over to victim.
            Through the restaurant window, while
they were getting coffee and a quick bite to eat, they saw the suspect cold
cock him. He still sat where he fell and Marshall
watched as his partner came to crouching beside the bloody faced man. Detective
Deirdre Bowen tilted her head, studying the long limbed man crumpled on his
side.
            “Is this your purse?” she asked,
with a smirk.
            Sheldon faced the smiling woman and
narrowed his eyes, feebly showing her his trembling hands full of blood. “Is
this really the time for jokes,” he snapped, sounding more nasal than usual,
voice echoing in his cupped hands. “I was just assaulted by this, this, animal and you have audacity to
try—”
            “It’s mine!” Penny shouted. She came
from the hall’s end, running slowly from fatigue, panting and still holding her
shoes as she neared Sheldon and the darkly dressed woman that knelt beside him.
“It’s my purse. He was just trying to get it back for me.”
            Bowen rifled through the bag a
moment until she found a wallet, taking the ID out of it, she held it up for
her partner to see. He stood behind her, the suspect in cuffs held firmly
against his muscled chest, “Penny from Nebraska,”
he purred thickly.
            The rolling baritone made Penny
stand with a breathy laugh, twirling her hair round a finger.
            Bowen and Sheldon met eyes with a
groan, “I think we better move you and that nose out of the way,” she said
pulling him to his feet. “Ma’am, your ID?”
            Penny from Nebraska
took the ID blindly out of her hands as she looked up to Marshall, her smile sparkling. And for his
part, Marshall
gazed back just as hard. They kept eyes locked on one another until another
wildly flailing body ran up to the group.
            Marshall pushed the petite woman back with
one protective arm and nearly drew his weapon, still holding on to the bound
hands of his suspect. Bowen’s hand also went to her gun but only hovered,
falling as Penny pleaded for them to stop.
            “Oh, oh!
He’s with me,” she said pointing to Raj. “He saw this guy rob me too.”
            “I’m going to put him in the car and
call this in,” Marshall
growled, tightening up on the suspect’s hands in a display of bravado. “You got
this Bowen?”
            “Yeah. I’ll
start with the questions,” The woman pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and
gave it to Sheldon, helping him blot his nose. He leaned lamely against the
wall with Penny attending to him while Bowen fished in her pockets. She
approached Raj with pen and paper in hand and gave him a friendly smile as she
whipped the notebook open.
            “So, what’s your name and what did
you see?” The Detective’s friendly smile fell when the man looked away,
studying the overhang of the breezeway and then the cars of the parking lot.
            She looked where he did thinking his
attention was captivated by something, but there was nothing exceptional behind
them. Turning around, Bowen tucked her pad under her arm and started to gesticulate
with her hands and fingers in sweeping motions until it caught Sheldon’s eye.
            “What are you doing?” he asked,
haughtily.
            “ASL,” Bowen replied.
            “He’s not deaf. He is just unable to
talk to attractive women.”
            “Attractive?”
            Sheldon suddenly felt uncomfortable
as the woman turned with a smirk to look at him. “No, no. Officer-”
            “Detective
Bowen,” she interrupted and corrected. “Deirdre Bowen and you are?”
            “Doctor Sheldon Cooper,” he replied,
quickly. “And what I was saying was, Doctor Rajesh Koothrappali—which
is his name—finds you attractive, not that I necessarily do.”
            “I don’t remember asking that
question, Dr. Cooper.” She said folding her arms.
            Penny hid her smile as Sheldon
blinked rapidly, staring off into space as he tried to think out his next
response, “Well, I was inferring from the inflection in your voice that you
were somehow amused and or flattered that I might have found you attractive,
which is why I felt it necessary to clear up any misunderstanding.”
            “So you don’t her attractive?” Penny
pressed, teasingly. It was not often Sheldon was flustered and his pain
withstanding, she could not resist taunting him. The Detective seemed to be in
on it too as she grinned and winked at her.
            “Of course he does, I’m hot.” Bowen
said opening her book again. “And since you’re the only one not with concussion
or tongue tied Ms. Penny of Nebraska,
you mind telling me the details?”
            “Sure,”
            “Excuse me,” Sheldon interrupted.
“You put words in my mouth. That was not what I was going to say.”
            “Then what were you going to say?”
Bowen looked up at the man and he was struck silent, blinking and his mouth
wagging open. She rolled her eyes and turned her back on him, “Don’t strain yourself, Doctor Cooper.”
            “No, I would like to explain,” he
said craning his neck to get her attention.
            “No need,” she said merrily,
brushing him aside to walk Penny toward her partner and the car. “Just stay
here and try not to move. Emergency services will be with you soon.” Leaning up
against their unmarked cruiser, Bowen turned her full attention to the woman in
front of her with a smile. “Now, Ms. Penny of Nebraska.
Lets start with the serious questions shall we?”
            “Lets,” she
said folding her arms and stepping closer. Bowen half-expected her to tell her
a secret she moved so close, but the darkly licentious curl on her lips said
otherwise. Penny looked at Marshall who
sat in the cab, relaying information to dispatch. “Is he single?”
            Bowen tucked her pen behind her ear
as the two, grinning stupidly, locked eyes again. “It’s going to be a long, long,” she added looking at Doctor
Cooper flail in his mute friend’s arms, “long day.”
            “Then let me be your company, pretty
lady.”
            She turned sharply, looking down at
the shorter man that appeared from nowhere. “Identify yourself.”
            “Howard Wolowitz,
Ma’dam. MIT Engineering graduate, CalTech
Professor and sometime employee of NASA when I can spare the time—why are you
going for you gun?”
            “Because you match the description
of an attacker a woman had to pepper spray earlier. Up
against the wall.”
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The Stairwell Postulate