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Holo-kiss	By : EvaBrick Category: M through R > Red Dwarf Views: 1255 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I didn't create Red Dwarf, I don't own the characters, and I'm not making any money from this.

Chapter List
- 1-Holo-kiss
- 1
Lister stood in the doorway of the neighbouring bunkroom and watched their newest crew member cry her heart out. Holly had picked up a distress signal a few weeks previously, and they’d followed it to a small moon where a little research ship had crashed. The crew members were all dead, except for this one woman who had managed to crawl into a stasis pod, where she’d stayed until the boys from the Dwarf had found her.
They’d revived her in the medical bay, but her internal injuries were severe and they didn’t have a doctor to help her. She’d begged them not to put her back into stasis, but they hadn’t had any choice… she was quite likely the last human woman in the universe… she was too valuable to lose. She’d made Lister promise to transfer the holographic unit from her smashed ship to Red Dwarf so that she could at least exist as a hologram until they found some way to repair her body.
He’d done as she asked, even though he secretly wished that he could have used the machine to bring back Kochanski. Still, it was nice to have someone else around to talk to, who wasn’t a smeghead or a self-centered cat. He just wished she wasn’t so heartbroken.
“Hey,” he said gently, as he moved into the room. She was sitting on the floor in front of a storage trunk, so he sat down next to her. Big tears slipped from her eyes and dripped off her chin. Their hologram disappeared before they could splat on the floor.
She sniffled and tried to dry her eyes with her sleeve. “Did I wake you?” she hiccupped. “I’m sorry… I didn’t think anyone could hear me.”
Lister shrugged. “S’alright. I couldn’t sleep anyway… Rimmer snores.” He leaned against the storage trunk and watched as wiped at her tears with her hands. He wished he could offer her a tissue, but she wouldn’t be able to pick it up. “Holly, could you get Jenny some tissue, please?” he asked.
“Right-o, Dave,” Holly said, and a box of tissues materialized in the holographic woman’s hands.
“Thanks,” she sniffled. She pulled one out and was finally able to wipe the salty water from her face and eyes.
“S’alright,” Lister said. “You can ask Holly for things… he doesn’t mind.”
Jenny nodded and blew her nose. “Sometimes I forget that I can’t touch things, then my hand goes through something I need and…” she broke down into tears again.
“Aw, love,” Lister said. “I’d give you a great big hug if I could. I hate seeing you cry.” He reached out and rested his hand on the floor next to hers. “You said you needed something?” he asked. “Was it something in your storage trunk? I can get it out for you if you like.”
Jenny nodded. “I just wanted to see a picture of my mum.”
Lister got up on his knees and raised the trunk lid. He’d salvaged as much of her stuff as he could before her ship had become too unstable to support human life. He shoved some books aside and looked under a pile of clothes. A silky red bra caught his eye, but he forced himself to ignore it… he could always come back later and check it out. He knew he’d tossed a picture frame in here somewhere… He found it and held it up in front of her. “Is this the one?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she said. She reached out automatically to take it, but her fingers swished right through the frame. Jenny let her hand fall limply into her lap.
“I’ll hold it for you,” Lister said, kindly.
Jenny looked at the picture for a few minutes, then quietly said, “Thank you.”
Lister hopped up and nearly reached down to help her to her feet. “I’m going to put it on the shelf by your bed so you can look at it whenever you like, okay?”
She nodded and waited for him to stretch and join her on the floor again. He’d been wearing the same shirt for a week and his boxers didn’t look too fresh, either. Still, she was very glad of the company. “I wonder how she died?” Jenny said. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Don’t,” Lister said. His voice sounded dark and hollow, even to him. “They all died so long ago that it doesn’t even matter anymore. It’s like they never existed. It’s better to keep those thoughts out of your head… you’ll lose your mind if you don’t.”
“Doesn’t it make you sad that we’re all alone?” she asked.
Lister sighed and stretched his legs out. “Of course it does… I used to cry about it too sometimes… it’s a lot to take in.”
“Yeah,” she said, “it is.” Jenny looked at her holographic hands and sighed. “I miss my body,” she said.
Lister snorted. “Yeah, I miss your body too… I haven’t made love in three million years… I thought I was finally going to get the chance when I met you.”
It was a crass thing to say, but to his surprise, she laughed. “Well then that’ll give you more incentive to find me a doctor who can patch me up.”
Lister laughed too. It was nice to see her smile. He cocked his head to one side and looked her up and down. “So you’re saying that if I can find someone to repair your body, you’ll get into bed with me?”
Jenny bit her lip and giggled. “It’s a deal.”
“You know, you’re quite pretty when you’re not sobbing your guts out,” Lister commented. He gave her an exaggerated wink to make her laugh. He really didn’t want the waterworks to start again.
Jenny rolled her eyes and wiped the last of her tears away. “Gee thanks,” she said. “It’s strange, crying when you’re a hologram. My eyes don’t sting.”
“Yeah, it’s hard to get used to,” Lister said as he dug through her trunk again and started pulling out her books. “I try not to eat in front of Rimmer, cause I know it bugs him. Except when he’s being a huge smeghead though… then I’ll get something really good and make a point of eating it where he can see me.” He got up and stacked her books on the shelf above the trunk. “Let’s set your stuff out and make it look like someone lives here, yeah?”
*****
Lister kicked the vending machine in frustration. The damn thing’s attitude chip was broken and it kept dishing out insults instead of Mars bars.
“Help!” the machine shouted. “I’m being assaulted!”
“Shut the smeg up!” Lister growled. He hated having to do actual work, but he was technically on board the ship to maintain these stupid things. He grabbed a screwdriver from his toolbox and took the screws out of the access panel. “I’ll show you, you great gimboid,” he grumbled. “I’ll rip your personality chip right out and you’ll have to go through life as a normal vending machine.”
“Howdy-doodly-do!” a cheerful voice called from somewhere near his feet. “Who wants some toast?”
Lister kicked the toaster down the hall and shouted, “Smeg off or I’ll put you in an airlock!”
“Mister Lister, sir!” Kryton gasped. He picked the little toaster up, dusted it off and set it on its wheels. “Was that really necessary?”
“Waffles?” the toaster croaked. “Muffin?”
Lister hurled a wrench at the toaster and it ran away. He grabbed a pair of pliers and jerked the personality chip from the vending machine. “Yes, it was absolutely bloody necessary! You know I hate that toaster!” He screwed the access panel back on, kicked the vending machine and laughed as it spat out his Mars bar with no comment.
Kryton watched the human pick up his tools, then he said, “If you don’t mind my saying so, sir, you’ve been getting grouchier and grouchier for weeks. Would it be safe to assume that something is the matter?”
Lister sighed and ripped the paper off his chocolate bar. “I dunno,” he shrugged. “I’m just feeling lonely, I guess.”
Kryton processed the new information, then said, “But you’re not alone. You have me and Mr. Cat, and Mr. Rimmer, and Miss Jenny, and Holly to keep you company.”
Lister cleared his throat as they walked down the hall together. “I mean I’m lonely for a different type of companionship, Kryton,” he said. He looked at the confused droid and sighed. “A woman, Kryton. I want a woman.”
“Miss Jenny is a woman,” Kryton said helpfully.
“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Lister grumbled.
“Well, I assume you would have, sir,” Kryton said, innocently.
Lister rolled his eyes at the confused droid. “No, Kryton, I mean… when she walks, her hips drive me wild… her lips look so soft and pink, but I can’t kiss them… and don’t even get me started about how her breasts jiggle when she plays holographic netball with Rimmer.” Lister finished the candy bar and shoved the wrapper in a garbage disposal unit as they walked by. “When you first meet a woman you’re attracted to, there’s this fun span of time where you chase after her to win her affection,” he explained, “but humans need to… get physical to build a romantic relationship. I can’t touch her and it’s driving me batty!”
“Yes, I have been changing your sheets more frequently since she came on board,” Kryton said. “Is the AR unit no longer serving your physical needs?”
Lister stopped at a storage locker and chucked his toolbox in. “You can’t get an AR woman to fall in love with you,” Lister mumbled. “Humans need love, Kryton. They need someone to care for and they need that person to love them back.”
Kryton didn’t know what to say, so Lister just shrugged and walked away.
*****
Lister could hear Jenny and Cat before he found them. They were in the officer’s club, sitting at the piano, singing loudly. Lister watched them from the doorway for a minute before he went behind the bar and got himself a beer. Their song ended in a fit of giggles.
“You’re getting better at that, Cat,” Lister smiled as he leaned against the bar.
“Yeahhh!” Cat screeched. “I always thought this piano thing was for napping on, but it makes noise too!” He jumped to his feet. “Time for lunch!” The cat shuffled out of the room, singing, “I’m gonna eat you little fishies!” as he went.
Jenny stood up and moved to sit at the bar. “Did you get that vending machine fixed?” she asked. Lister reached in his pocket and pulled out the personality chip for her to see. Jenny looked disappointed. “Aw, I like talking to the machines. They make me feel less lonely.”
Lister dropped his forehead down to the bar and sighed. “Ugh… fine… I’ll fix it properly. The toaster was bothering me and I got impatient with it.” He raised his head and looked at her. They were on opposite sides of the bar, leaning toward each other on their elbows. Lister swallowed and leaned a little closer. It was another one of these awkward moments where they should be kissing, but couldn’t. “Jenny,” he whispered. “I…” he didn’t know what to say. She looked down and he followed her gaze. His hand was actually resting in the middle of her holographic arm, but he hadn’t even felt it. “Can you feel that?” he asked.
“No,” she whispered.
Lister looked at her for a long moment and sighed. “Can I kiss you anyway?” he asked.
She gave him a sad smile. “You won’t feel it,” she reminded him.
Lister smiled and leaned in. “That’s not the point,” he said. His eyes fell shut as he brushed his lips against her holographic ones… he felt nothing. Lister opened his eyes and leaned away - a moment later, Jenny opened her eyes and leaned away, too.
“Told you you wouldn’t feel anything,” she said, sadly.
Lister gave her a small smile. “I did,” he whispered.
*****
Two years later…
Legion reached toward Jenny, but Lister stepped in front of her. No freaky alien thing was going to touch his girl, even if she was a hologram. “What do you mean, hard light?” he asked.
Legion stepped back, then reached into Rimmer’s chest and pulled out his holographic emitter. “Hard light is an invention that the scientists created when they were experimenting with collective thought,” Legion said. He pulled out some wires, then set it back inside the other hologram’s chest. “It uses more power, but it means that a hologram can actually touch and be touched.”
Lister’s eyes widened and he reached out and placed his hand on Rimmer’s chest. It was solid. “Smeg…” he whispered.
Within a minute, Legion had done the same with Jenny’s emitter. She looked at Lister nervously, but didn’t try to touch him. He smiled and held out his hand. She touched her fingertips to his darker ones and then grasped his hand. “Dave,” she choked. She jumped into his open arms and hugged him for all she was worth. “Oh Dave,” she sobbed.
Lister pulled back far enough to look into her face, then he brushed her tears away with a rough thumb before he pulled her in for a kiss. He didn’t care how many people were watching… he’d been waiting to press those moist, pink lips against his own for years! Her mouth opened under his and he slipped his tongue along hers. He was already getting hard… it had been way too long.
Without taking his lips from hers, he tore his hat and jacket off. Her hands were snaking under his shirt and off his chest. His were already working at her belt.
“Smegging hell, do you have to do that right here?” Rimmer snapped.
Dave took his hand off Jenny just long enough to flip his bunkmate off. He sucked on her neck as she pushed his shirt up his chest. He ripped it off, threw it on the floor, then pressed her up against the wall. He moaned as her breasts pressed into his chest and hoped she was wearing that red bra.
“Woo! Go Monkey!” Cat cheered.
“Uh, perhaps we should continue the tour without them,” Kryton suggested.
“An excellent suggestion,” Legion agreed.
Jenny moaned in Listers arms - she’d been so long without touch, that it felt almost overwhelming. His rough hands and soft lips were everywhere, kissing, touching, tasting. “I love you, Dave,” she moaned as he tore her shirt open.
He smiled at the red bra and unfastened his pants. “I love you too.”
- 1
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