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Parental Guidance	By : hatochiisai Category: 1 through F > Criminal Minds Views: 3099 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Chapter List
- 1-Parental Guidance
- 1
Parental Guidance

Ahmose Inarus

Disclaimer: No own, piss off.

SLASH -- Hotch/Reid

Quantico, Virginia

A December Saturday Afternoon

Reid sighed and looked up from where he was doing the dishes. He blew a lock of hair out of his face, then turned and glared out of the kitchen door to the office. He dried his hands on a dish towel and walked across the foyer and stood in the doorway of the study.

“… We have the weekend off, Aaron.” He said in an annoyed tone.

“I’m just looking at this case we might have to go on.” Hotch murmured.

“Aaron, we have work at HOME to take care of.” Reid sighed. “If we get called in on the case, THEN you can look over the information.”

“… This guy is posting the murders on the internet…” Hotch murmured, more to himself than to Reid.

Reid sputtered, then blurted “Stop watching snuff films and finish the laundry!”

Hotch blinked and turned to look at Reid, grinning. “Only in our household can that sentence fail to raise eyebrows.” He said. Reid frowned in confusion, blinked, and then grinned.

“Stop being a smart ass. The dryer finished almost an hour ago. My shirts will wrinkle.”

“Heaven forbid you have wrinkled shirts.”

“Keep this up and when I decide to put out, I’ll get to be the one on top.”

“… Do you even know how to do that?” Hotch asked with a grin. Reid snorted.

“It's not like some complex ritual or something. There's only one place it can go down there! And there are only so many options on what to do once you're in... how complicated can it be? In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out... not like you can do more... up, down, touch your toes, do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around... not exactly something you can do when engaged in sexual intercourse.”

“… Lovely, Spencer.” Hotch chuckled, standing from his computer. The pair walked back to the living room, heading for the laundry room.

“Uncle Spencer?” Jack called from the sofa where he was watching TV.

“Yes?”

“What’s a clitoris?”

Hotch froze, but was broken out of his shock when he had to catch Reid, who had tripped.

“Jack where did you hear that word?” Hotch asked.

“The TV. I was watchin a movie.”

“What movie?!” Hotch asked.

“I dunno.”

“Spencer? Did you see what movie he was watching?”

“No! The channel I picked for him was showing a cartoon!” Reid cried.

“What channel?!”

“… Comedy Central?”

“… Jack… what was the cartoon about?”

“… I dunno.”

“what were the character’s names?”

“… Um… Kyle, Stan… And Kenny.”

“… SOUTH PARK!?” Hotch nearly exploded. “You let him watch South Park!?” And he turned on Reid. Reid stared, eyes wide.

“I didn’t know it was South Park!!!” The boy cried. “… What’s ‘South Park’?”

“Daddy!” Jack suddenly called, turning and holding up his snack, a Vienna Sausage. “It looks like a penis!” Hotch just stared at his son, flabbergasted. The sausage was rounded at the end, obviously having come from the very end of the original sausage link. Reid fidgeted, eyes darting back and forth between Hotch and Jack.

“… Reid. Can you take care of the laundry?”

“Hell no! I did the DISHES!!!” Reid howled, frowning. “I’ll talk to Jack.”

“… Are you sure?”

“Yes. Go finish the laundry.” Reid said, moving to sit next to Jack. “Jack… What else did you hear on the movie?”

In the laundry room, Hotch paused and winced when he heard Jack break into song.

“SHUT YOUR FUCKIN’ FACE UNCLE FUCKAH!!!”

… Haley was going to KILL him. In the living room, Reid was stunned.

“Uh… Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“You know that’s a bad word, right?”

“… Yeah…”

“Then why did you say it?” Reid asked.

“Cuz you asked…?”

Reid sighed. “Well… you know not to ever say it again, right?”

“Yeah.”

“ESPECIALLY when you’re not here.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. What else did you hear in the movie that you want to know about?”

“What’s a clitoris?” Jack asked again. Reid winced. He was hoping the boy had forgotten about that…

“Um…” Reid stalled, mind racing. “Well… It um… You know how boys and girls are different?”

“… Yeah…”

“Well… Boys have things that girls don’t have, and girls have things that boys don’t have. The clitoris is one of those things.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jack said, thankfully satisfied. Reid sighed in relief.

“… Is Satan sad?”

“What?”

“In the movie. He was in Hell and he was sad.”

“… Satan is sad to be in Hell?” Reid asked, weakly.

“And why do little boys go to Hell?”

“What?!” Reid blurted.

“Well, Kenny died when the doctors put a potato in him, and—“

“What?!”

“They put a baked potato into him and it e’sploded!”

“… A baked potato…”

“Yeah. And so he died, but he went to Hell and he met Satan and Satan was sad.”

“Why was he sad?” Reid asked.

“Cuz he was all alone with no friends and Saddam was mean to him. He called him a bitch.”

“Saddam?”

“Saddam Hussein.” Jack said. He knew the name… he’d heard his daddy talk about him before…

“… Saddam Hussein called Satan a bitch.” Reid stated.

“Yeah.”

Reid just stared at the little boy, stunned. What the fuck kind of movie WAS this?!

“Come with me, Jack.” Reid said, taking the little boy into the study. Reid logged into his computer and looked up a full script of the movie. Jack watched as Reid scrolled down the page, reading, his eyes growing wider and wider in horror the further he went.

Every now and then he would mouth something as if to confirm that he had just read it. Jack giggled when Reid blurted “ass-spelunker?!” and “Bryan Adams?” and “Baked potato…” Jack grinned.

“Will you read it to me, Uncle Spencer?”

“No!”

And Jack huffed and went back to watching his Uncle Spencer read and occasionally blurt things out like “Blame Canada…?”

“Blame Canada! Blame Canada!!!” Jack sang.

“Jack, hush… bleeds for five days and doesn’t die-- EW!!!”

“What?”

“Nothing, Jack… Saddam Hussein?! Really?! Huh… V-chip?!” Jack sighed and sat down, staring up at his Uncle Spencer. “… Brian Boitano?! Fire breath?! Uhg… Liza Minelli…?” He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, then read on. “… Poontang? What the heck is that…? Human Shield?! Get Behind the Darkies?! Good grief!!!” Jack sighed. “… dying giraffe…?”

“… The… Clitoris?” Reid deadpanned.

“You okay in here, Spencer?” Hotch asked, poking his head in.

“Um… I uh… No… not really…” Reid stammered. Blinking, Hotch walked over and looked to see what Reid was looking at on the computer.

“'Behold my glory. I am the clitoris.' Spencer!” Hotch howled in a scolding tone.

“Jack kept saying the most outlandish things and so I decided to read the script to try and understand!” Reid cried. Hotch sighed and set the laundry basket down, quirking an eyebrow when Reid said, “Barbara Streisand?” Reid spun in his chair, looked at Hotch and pointed an accusing finger at the computer. “This movie is atrocious!!!”

“YOU’RE the one who let him watch it.”

“It’s a CARTOON!!!”

“Cartoons aren’t just for kids anymore, Spencer.” Hotch sighed. Then he picked up Jack, took Reid by the hand, and took the pair into the living room, sitting down on the sofa. He smiled when his son and lover both cuddled up to him on either side.

“What are we doing?” Reid asked.

“We’re going to go through the channels and decide which ones are appropriate for Jack to watch. And we are going to set profiles on our TV.”

“Profiles?” Jack asked.

“That’s right.” Hotch said, smiling down at his son. “that way, when we turn on the TV, we log in and it will show us our favorite channels. That way when YOU turn on the TV,” and he tapped Jack’s nose, “It will show you Cartoon Network and Disney. And when YOU turn on the TV,” and he tapped Reid’s nose, getting a glare in response, “it will show you your Discovery and Science Channels.”

“Really?” Reid asked, now looking intrigued. “I won’t have to flip through all the sports channels?”

“That’s right.” Hotch said, and he picked up the remote. He was determined to NEVER let anything like this happen again… knowing his luck, Reid would show Jack ‘Family Guy’ next… Just what he needed. Jack going home talking about an infant sociopath, talking dogs and an elderly pedophile neighbor…

They set up their channels, and for about five minutes, Hotch thought everything was going to be okay… Until…

“… Uncle Spencer?”

“Yes?”

“What’s a faggot?”

… Haley was going to kill him.
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Parental Guidance