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He's the One That I Want	By : KTT2123 Category: 1 through F > Criminal Minds Views: 8525 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds nor its characters. I am making no money from this.

Chapter List
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- 2
This is my first ever posted fanfic! This started as a oneshot and quickly got out of hand. I seriously have no idea how I went from a couple thousand words to thirty thousand. Seriously, does anyone else have this problem? Not beta’d. Don’t own Criminal Minds, I’m just getting a little slashy with the characters like a proper fangirl! Please read and review!
A special thanks from Lady_Giovanna_Potter_Malfoy from AO3 for reading this and encouraging me to post.
Character’s thoughts are in italics and surrounded by asterisks.

Something is wrong with Spencer Reid and they all can see it. The usually passive, if fidgety agent is snapping at everyone. While he can be easily ruffled, it is incredibly rare for the genius to respond with genuine anger. Yet, despite his obvious closed off manner and unheard of hair-trigger temper, Spencer claims he is ‘fine’ whenever asked. He is not fine. He knows it and so do they. It doesn’t take a profiler to figure out something is going on, something significant enough to affect Reid in such a profound and obvious way.
The most telling of all is that Derek Morgan, his best friend, is unable to coax the genius into spilling what is wrong. Reid stubbornly resists all attempts by Derek to charm him out of the mood, not even reacting to the older agent’s teasing. Over the years the darker man has become quite adept at charming Spencer out of moods and into doing things he normally wouldn’t.
The most obvious of this is physical contact, over time Spencer has become comfortable with Derek touching him. He’s the only one whose touch he allows, which the older agent takes full advantage of even if he doesn’t consciously realize it. Derek is the only one that Spencer doesn’t react to, the only one he doesn’t squirm uncomfortably to get away from. His teammates may feel like family to him but even after so many years together, the genius is still not entirely comfortable with any of them but Morgan touching him.
Reid’s recent immunity to Derek’s charms is starkly noticeable and the BAU team is quite baffled. If he can’t get him to talk, what hope do any of them have? In all the years they have worked together, none of them have ever seen Reid act this way. Not even when he was hiding his addiction was he this angry…this defensive…this secretive. And that makes them all very worried. Something of significance is going on with Spencer and none of the profilers have a clue to what it is.
Derek tries yet again to get Reid to open up to him. “Pretty Boy, what’s going on in that big ol’ head of yours?”
Spencer ignores him, remaining silent with a stubborn but adorable pout firmly upon his face.
“You are working with a bunch of profilers, boy genius, how long do you think you’ll be able to hide whatever it is that is going on?” Derek can see that Spencer is suffering and he will do anything, even break his vow not to profile him, to help him.
Again, he is quiet, not reacting at all to Morgan’s attempts to cajole him beyond his cute pouting expression. All Spencer would have to do is add his sad doe eyes and the world would fall at his feet, they are a lethal combination that no one, not even big, bad Aaron Hotchner can refuse.
What the team doesn’t know is that Reid has been successfully hiding this secret from them for a very long time, for years. A lot longer than any of them could imagine or would even believe. Despite promises to not profile each other, it can be difficult for them all to shut that down at work. Secrets simply don’t stay secrets for long at the BAU. For Spencer to have successfully kept his secret for so long is nothing short of a miracle. The genius has always known that eventually his secret would come out, despite the great lengths he has gone to in order to hide it.
It is only recently that cracks have begun to form in his façade; the one that the team miraculously didn’t even know existed. His inner turmoil is starting to bleed out after so much time hidden. Over the last year the weight of the secret has been steadily, slowly eating him inside. And the team is finally beginning to see it. Spencer can’t keep pretending forever. Eventually he’ll break and the team will discover his secret. He knows it but it is the last thing he wants. It is why Spencer is so tightly wound. He is at the edge of a cliff, hanging on by only his fingernails. The fall he knows is coming is swiftly approaching and Reid doesn’t know how to stop it. He has no idea how to prevent the fall or how to stop himself from breaking.
“One of us will eventually convince you to spill it. Come on, Reid! Make it easy on yourself, just tell me,” Derek coaxes.
Once again, Morgan is met only with silence.
“Come on, kid! Talk to me!” he growls vehemently.
Over the last month, the pair has gone through this routine over and over: Morgan prodding and Reid responding with stubborn silence. But it is finally too much and Spencer snaps, “Leave it alone, Morgan. Just…LEAVE…ME…THE…FUCK…ALONE!” He is falling off that cliff and now nothing can stop the inevitable freefall.
Derek and the rest of the team gape at Reid in shock. None of them have ever heard him curse before or seen him explode with such intense anger and definitely never at his best friend. Spencer is the only one on the team that has kept a pure air about him, despite all he’s seen and experienced. The Reid they know has a child-like innocence that the world’s darkness never seems to touch. Not even being kidnapped, tortured, and being forcibly addicted to drugs has touched his inherent innocence. The purity of his soul has never been touched by the darkness he has encountered. The lack of vulgarity in his language is just another aspect of his innocence. Fuck shouldn’t be in his vocabulary and neither should he be capable of exploding with such fury. Spencer has a very long fuse. To hear him, to see him blow up at Morgan is dumbfounding.
“Reid! My office, now!” Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner immediately orders the young agent into his office.
Spencer follows his boss into his office. His eyes stare straight ahead, ignoring his team members gaping at him. Aaron sits on the corner of his desk, watching as his subordinate slumps in the chair in front of him.
“Are you going to tell me what that was, Reid?” Hotch asks.
The genius remains sullenly unresponsive. But Aaron continues to wordlessly fix his unblinking gaze on him. Both the quiet and the scrutiny are unsettling. Knowing his boss’s infinite patience, Spencer soon feels compelled to answer. “I’m fine,” he replies, the lie pathetic with absolutely no chance of actually fooling the veteran profiler. Reid is tired and cannot keep up his façade any longer. The years of lying and hiding have at last caught up with him. He has no more strength to fool his fellow profilers. Spencer knows losing his temper has decisively confirmed to his team that something is seriously wrong with him. His secret is going to come out and he doesn’t know how to stop it.
Aaron is not nearly foolish enough to believe the blatant lie. “You don’t truly expect me to believe that, do you? You are clearly not fine, Reid. What just happened out there confirmed it. You not only lost your temper but you shouted and swore at Morgan. You don’t shout and you never swear. Do you seriously believe we all can’t see something is going on with you?” Hotch’s gaze softens slightly as he inquires, “Are your migraines back?”
“No,” he answers immediately.
“Having more nightmares? “
“No more than usual,” Reid answers dispassionately. He wishes his problem is as simple as migraines or nightmares. Yes, he has been haunted by dreams but not nightmares. It would be so much easier to deal with if it was simply nightmares of their cases, of the people they couldn’t save.
“Are you using again?”
“No!”
“Are you tempted to?”
“I will always be tempted but I have not wavered from my sobriety. I cannot afford to. Escaping into drug abuse isn’t going to help me. It would only make things worse. I know that. I haven’t stopped going to my meetings.” For a while this secret had made he truly struggle with temptation again. It had been very hard to resist. Spencer had wanted so much to forget that he craved dilaudid with every fiber in his being. His NA meetings, his sponsor, and his best friend outside of work had been his lifeline during those days. Morgan had helped some too even if he hadn’t been aware of it, although not as much as when Spencer first got clean. But he fought through and continued to stay clean. *I’d lose myself forever if I fell back into drug abuse. I know that. And I don’t know if I’d have the strength or will to climb back out of that hole. Not when I would feel a brief respite from the hopelessness I feel. Not when I wouldn’t be able to allow myself to lean on Morgan for support this time.* One slipup and Reid knows that he’ll never escape his drug abuse again. He knows himself enough to realize this. He cannot hide from this truth by lying to himself. So despite any temptation, he has to resist. There is no other choice.
Hotch can see that Spencer is telling the truth. “Then, what’s wrong?”
“I…I can’t tell you, it’s personal,” the genius proclaims, pouting.
“You have to tell someone, Reid.”
“It’s no one’s business but mine,” he shoots back defiantly.
“Wrong. This is affecting the team. If you are being this unprofessional here, how are you going to react on a case? Something has to be done. You need to talk to someone!”
Reid slumps.
“We all care about you. Spencer, let us help you, let me help you! Name it and I’ll do it.”
“There’s nothing you can do. Not unless you okay a transfer.”
“Wait—what? You’re thinking of transferring to another team?” The unflappable BAU boss is visibly stunned, his voice colored with absolute disbelief and concern.
Reid’s head jerks up, clearly surprised that he had said that out loud. Sighing deeply, he admits reluctantly “Maybe…”
“Reid, you have to talk to someone. Whatever this is, it is serious. If I hadn’t just heard you say it, I would never have believed that you of all people would ever considering leaving the team. I can’t let you do this alone; you have to talk to one of us. If you won’t talk to me, what about Morgan?”
“NO!”
“JJ then?”
Miserably, Spencer mutters “Fine.”
“I’ll send her in, so you will have privacy.” Walking past the other concerned team members, Hotch motions Jennifer Jareau away from the other profilers. He quickly murmurs, “Reid needs to talk to you. Something is seriously wrong. He let it slip that he’s considering transferring out of the BAU. He won’t talk to me, and adamantly refuses to talk to Morgan. But he’s willing to talk to you. Find out what’s going on…and what we can do to help him.”
JJ is noticeably staggered that whatever is going on with Reid has made him feel desperate enough to even contemplate leaving the team. The blonde knows, as they all do, how important the BAU team is to Reid, it’s the family he never had. The first people, outside his mother, that love and accept him just as he is.
She quickly enters Hotch’s office, her face pinched with concern. Everyone’s eyes are glued to the windows of the office, solemnly watching JJ and Reid. They know from the worry on both Aaron’s and JJ’s face that a serious, perhaps life changing talk is about to happen. Seeing the stares of the other profilers, she closes the blinds. “Spence, what’s wrong?”
His head in his hands, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Reid truly doesn’t. He would rather not have to admit the truth out loud to one of his chosen family. At long last, he will have to confront the truth face to face and all that it means in his life. *Why does life have to be so hard?*
She answers firmly but with gentleness, “You told Hotch you would talk to me. You have to tell someone. I promise I won’t tell anyone, not unless you want me to.”
“Promise?” Reid asks, searching JJ’s expression.
“Yes, I promise.” This is not given lightly. Jennifer will bring whatever he says to her grave.
Feeling assured that JJ will keep her word, Reid blurts, “I’m in love.” There he said it, finally.
“What?” The woman is utterly confused. “Why are you so upset then?”
“I’m in love with someone who will never love me back. Someone I can never have,” Spencer’s voice sounds utterly despondent.
“Why would they never love you back? Why can’t you have them? Is the person married, in a relationship?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“It’s someone on the team, isn’t it Spence?” It has to be for him to consider leaving his family.
“Yes,” Reid answers, unsurprised that JJ has figured that out.
“Is it Emily?”
“No.”
“Penelope?” JJ asks uncertainly. There isn’t a more unlikely pair.
“No.” A light shudder runs through him. As much as he loves Garcia, the idea of being involved romantically with her is frankly terrifying. She would eat him alive.
“Who, then?” There are no other women, besides her. But she is quite certain that it isn’t her he is in loved with. This secret is quite the revelation, as apparently Spencer is not only in love with someone on the team, that someone is a man. JJ has no problem with him being gay. Her only concern is that as far as she knows none of the BAU men are gay or bisexual. Although knowing David Rossi, she wouldn’t be too surprised if he has been with a man a time or two. Rossi is the least likely of anyone on the BAU team for the genius to be in love with. He is a paternal figure in Spencer’s eyes. Jennifer isn’t sure which option would be more hopeless, Hotch or Morgan.
Taking a deep breath, Reid looks miserable as he reveals, “It’s…Morgan. “ Despite his depression at the hopeless situation, a small weight comes off his chest in finally being able to share his secret with JJ. To have someone from the team understand why he is so troubled, why he won’t open up to Derek, why he so secretive and closed off, why he has been hiding this secret from them all.
JJ understands it instantly. Morgan is the epitome of a ladies’ man. Women love him and he loves women. One of his patented lady-killer grins and women fall at his feet. To add insult to injury, he was also sexually abused as a child by a man, a trauma she isn’t sure Morgan has ever truly dealt with. As if that wasn’t enough, Derek is Spencer’s best friend. He could lose his love and his best friend in one swoop. Jennifer can see why her friend is so troubled by his feelings. *Spence is gay and in love with Morgan, no wonder he is so upset. Poor Spence.* “He doesn’t know?”
“No.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“Why do you think? It’s Morgan! He’s the straightest guy I know. What if he is disgusted by my…love. What if he reacts badly? What if hates me?”
JJ’s face softens, “Spence, Morgan is not like that. He has never shown an ounce of prejudice toward homosexuals. And he would never physically hurt you. He loves you, you are his best friend. He could never hate you.” She cannot believe that Morgan could ever hate Reid.
“Yeah but this isn’t like some random guy coming up to him in a club. This is different. This is me. Me! Telling Morgan that I’m in love with him, it will ruin our friendship,” Reid vows. Friendship is better than nothing in his eyes.
“But isn’t that already happening? Spence, you flipped out on him today! He only wants to find out what is wrong. He wants to help you! Morgan is your best friend and you refuse to talk to him. He’s driving himself crazy trying to get you to simply talk to him. Can’t you see that Morgan is hurt that you won’t confide in him?”
“I just can’t do it. Seeing disgust or pity in his eyes if I told him would break me. What if he hates me? I…c-can’t—” he sobs, quiet tears escaping his soulful brown eyes.
“Oh Spence!” JJ wraps her arms around his thin shoulders. The blonde feels her heart squeeze in sympathy. “You shouldn’t think that way. You don’t know that’s how he will react. You’re making assumptions, Spence. You have to be smarter than that, you are smarter than that. He’s your friend, your best friend; he would never intentionally hurt you. Give Morgan some credit, he won’t punch you or hate you for your feelings. He might be shocked, maybe even a little uncomfortable. But Morgan loves you. Maybe just as a friend but maybe he could love you as you love him. At least give yourself a chance at happiness, Spencer,” she adds quietly.
“I’ve known him for eight years. I’m a profiler, Jayje. I know how he will react and it won’t be good, especially considering what Carl Buford did to him. There’s a ninety-five percent chance he’ll react badly.”
“Carl Buford doesn’t have anything to do with your feelings for Morgan,” JJ injects.
Reid merely eyes her, “How can you be that naïve? After all we’ve seen? Morgan never got counseling, never talked to me or anyone about what that man did to him. Hell his family didn’t even know about it until he was arrested! Morgan doesn’t deal with his issues. He just buries them under his charming, easy-going façade. You know that, I know, hell everyone knows it! Anger is the only outlet he allows himself. If he hadn’t gotten arrested, if we hadn’t dug into his life to find the real killer, would we have ever known? Would he have told any of us? Probably not. Because that’s what he does; he buries his problems, so he can pretend he’s perfectly fine. And someone revealing homosexual feelings for him, someone he trusts, is close to, is going to be hard to hide from. It is probably just going to provoke bad memories, memories he’s ashamed of, memories he hides from even all these years later!”
“But you’re not just somebody! You’re his best friend. It’s not the same. Spence, I think you should tell him. He deserves to know. What if he feels the same? You two have always had a special relationship. Give him a chance! You can’t keep this inside forever…”
“I am his best friend, and he’s mine, that is what makes this so hard. I…I just can’t. The people I love always leave! What if he leaves me, too? I—I don’t think I could survive him rejecting me, him hating me. I’ve been rejected so many times, Jayje. Being rejected by the only person I have ever loved, by Derek, is something I don’t know if I can survive. Worse, I can’t face him pretending that nothing has changed. I cannot bear it. Telling Derek that I love him and watching him bury it, like my feelings don’t matter, like they are nothing, mean nothing. I cannot face it if my feelings are just another problem for him to bury. That I am nothing,” Reid avows.
“Spence, he wouldn’t—” But she stops when Reid meets her gaze. Those expressive caramel doe eyes reflect the vast depth of anguish and pain he is feeling. He can’t see past his pain and nothing she can say will change that until he is ready.
“How…how long have you felt this way? How long have you been hiding this?”
“Since when have I been attracted to him or when did I know I was in love with him?”
“Both.”
“Since pretty much the moment I met him, I’ve been attracted to him. He’s gorgeous and he knows it. At first it was just physical. But working with him, I found I liked him for much more than just his looks. Shameless flirt or not, I discovered that Derek is a good man. It took a lot longer for me to realize what I was feeling for him was love. But I have known I was in love with Derek for four years, nine months, twenty-three days…” Spencer checks his watch “twelve hours, thirty-seven minutes, and ten seconds.”
“Oh, Spence.” Jennifer hearts squeezes in her chest. “You’ve been keeping this secret for that long!” JJ is shocked that Spencer had been hiding his love for such a long time. That none of them saw it.
“Yes,” he answers matter-of-factly. He has had a lot of time to deal with accepting his secret. Because no matter how much he tried, Spencer has never been able to get over Derek. Dating other people had made that clear very quickly. No one can compare to Derek in his eyes or in his heart. It is why he hasn’t been on a single date in two years! Every date had ended in disappointment. Reid has the sinking feeling that no one will ever compare to Derek, despite the hopelessness of his unrequited love. He expects to be miserable for the rest of his life, alone and unloved. Simply because his heart chose someone he can never have, because his heart refuses to let that love go. Spencer will never stop loving Derek, a man he is sure will never love him back.
*Oh, God! How did I not see it? How didn’t I see his pain? He has been hiding this secret for so long, all alone without anyone to talk to about it.* The blonde feels a deep, painful anguish burst in her chest, her friend has been hiding his love for almost five years. Spencer, her sweet, brilliant Spence, knows down to the second when he realized his love yet he has never said a word to Derek or her or to any of them. She feels such pain that he felt he had to keep it locked up inside of him. Her blue eyes sparkle with unshed tears, realizing how alone Reid must have felt these past few years. Because he deserves to know love and to be loved more than any of them.
How hard it must have been. Seeing Morgan almost every day, seeing his family, his friends and having to pretend that nothing had changed, having to hide his feelings, just having to hide such an important part of himself from all of them. The stress and strain it must be for Spencer to hide this from a group of profilers who see more than most, from Derek who reads him better than any of them. To always be on guard, to make sure he doesn’t give anything away. What torture it must have been to be near Derek and always having to pretend. JJ knows that Reid feels very deeply and his social awkwardness and trust issues make it hard for him to express his feelings. His walls protect him from harm but they keep him separated from others as well. They keep away happiness, along with sorrow.
She wishes she could hug him and make it all better. JJ wishes she could just tell Morgan and that he would love Reid back. But she can’t, there is no easy fix for this problem. She is not sure if Derek is brave enough to take a chance at love, even with Spencer. He has never shown any inclination that he would be willing to risk his heart. There is nothing she can do but support Reid. She can only hope that he isn’t crushed in the process. JJ is scared that this will destroy him, whether it is from the weight of the secret or more likely from Morgan finding out and not feeling the same. Spence has suffered and survived a lot but Jennifer is terrified that he has finally met a challenge he doesn’t have the strength to endure.
Reid can see the guilt in her eyes. “It’s not your fault, Jayje. Don’t blame yourself.”
“How can I not? I thought we were close, Spence. You are like my brother! You’ve been suffering in silence for well over four years! Having to see Morgan every day for near five years and pretend that nothing has changed. How can I not feel guilty that you felt you couldn’t share your feelings with me? Did you think I would judge you? That I would hate you for being gay or having feelings for Morgan? I love you, I could never hate you! Why Spencer, why couldn’t you tell me?” Her brilliant blue eyes swim watery with tears. The mere thought that he couldn’t trust her with this breaks her heart.
“No! I didn’t think that. Jayje, please don’t cry…” Spencer pleads as he awkwardly pats her back. “I just—it’s my fault. Don’t blame yourself. I know I could have told you, trusted you with this. You of all people, I knew I could trust with this secret but if I told you, I wouldn’t have been able to hide it from the team for so long. At work, I try to forget it, to put my feelings in a box and lock it tight until I am away from here, away from the team, away from Derek. Telling you would have made it that much more real. It would have made me acknowledge my feelings. Seeing you every day and knowing that you know I couldn’t have ignored what I feel. It would have made it impossible to deny my feelings, impossible to face Morgan every day and act like everything was normal. Or at least as normal as I can be,” Reid mutters, while shifting his body awkwardly.
“What are you going to do? You’ve been pretending for so long, you can’t go on like this forever,” the blonde softly points out. She knows he knows that too, his behavior the last few months has made that unmistakably obvious.
“I know. I am…I am going to take a few days off. This is the end, one way or another. I can’t hide it much longer and I will have to decide what to do next.”
“You’re seriously considering leaving, aren’t you?”
Reid answers honestly, “Yes. If I can’t…deal with seeing him every day, I’ll have to leave. It has gotten…harder over the last year; much harder to pretend. I have tried for so long to get over him, I did Jayje!” And he had, desperately. It hadn’t worked, not even a little. Resigned, Spencer continues, “But it seems that in my heart no one measures up to Derek. And seeing him every day, I see all the reasons why I love him. Maybe leaving could g-give me a chance to—to finally get over him. This team is my family, the only one I’ve really ever had. I just—I don’t know how I can keep living my life pretending nothing is wrong or that I’m not crushed every time Morgan has another one night stand.” Spencer hangs his head, looking very unhappy and hopeless. Silent tears run down his face, as he realizes his unrequited love is going to change everything. Recognizes that he could lose his best friend, his love, no matter what he decides to do. And he has no idea how to stop it, how to keep it from ruining everything good in his life.
JJ hugs the lanky man tightly, “I love you, Spencer Reid. And I always will, no matter what happens, no matter what you decide. You know that don’t you?”
“I—I know Jayje. I…uh…love you, too. Even if I leave, I’ll still come see you and Will and Henry. I promise.”
The two pause, wondering how that will go. If Spencer leaves, they both know Morgan will not stop until he finds him again. He won’t stop until he knows why Reid left. Derek is relentless when he is focused on a goal. There is no way for Spencer to stay hidden unless he goes completely off the grid and a person with a mind as brilliant as his is hard to hide. Especially since Derek will enlist Penelope’s help. One way or another Morgan will find out the truth. Either Spencer will voluntarily tell him or Derek will force it out of him. They both consider how they will see each other when the inevitable happens and Derek finds out. They wonder how they will see each other without the others knowing, without Derek knowing. They imagine secretive visits between Spencer, JJ and her family, in an attempt to try to protect Reid from seeing Morgan.
JJ realizes that Spencer’s unrequited love is likely going to shatter the team. As team members have come and gone, through it all Reid, Morgan, Hotch, and Garcia have remained constant. The core of the team has stayed intact, even when others left. JJ has a feeling that if Spencer leaves, they’ll never be the same. She doesn’t know how they will function without him. No one could possibly fill the hole created by his absence.
“You better. Henry would be lost without you,” JJ replies, trying to shake off her sadness, despair, and fear.
“I would never do that to him. I would never abandon Henry,” Reid responds vehemently.
JJ knows his own abandonment issues would never allow him to cut ties with Henry regardless of the risk or consequences. Spencer would walk through fire before hurting Henry the way he himself had been hurt. If Morgan reacts badly when he finds out, Reid will readily risk having to face him again just to ensure Henry never ever feels abandoned. JJ replies softly, “I know, Spence. I know.” She hugs him on last time, vowing “I love you, Spencer Reid. You are not alone. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”
Reid gives her a small, grateful smile. He is glad to have the person he is closest to on the team, besides Derek, know his secret and does not judge him for it. He’s relieved to have her support and love.
The blonde pauses before touching his arm “Should I send in Hotch, so you can tell him you need some time off?”
“Yeah.” As she leaves, Reid quickly wipes the tears from his face.
JJ comes out of the office, only to be surrounded by the rest of the team. While she was with Spencer, Hotch informed the rest that Reid hinted at wanting a transfer. He also told them that as far as he could tell it isn’t migraines, nightmares, or his addiction that is causing his distress. The room is filled with concerned faces, as each of them care deeply for their youngest member. To them Spencer is so much: a brother, a son, a friend. They pepper the blonde with questions: Did he talk? What did he say? What’s wrong with Reid? Is he alright? What’s going on? Is he going to transfer? What can we do to help him?
Finally, getting the group to quiet, JJ explains, “I can’t tell you. I promised him I wouldn’t. You will get nothing from me.” With a hard eye, she continues “You all know he has serious trust issues, do not make me betray his trust. Please, let him deal with this his own way.”
Everyone is very somber. They all can see the tears in her eyes, the desperate fear and concern in her voice that she cannot hide. It is apparent that Reid told her and whatever it is that he told her is very serious, life-changing even. JJ is scared and that scares them. They could lose Reid. By the blonde’s reaction, they can see he was being serious when he told Hotchner that he is honestly considering leaving the team. Everyone wants to know, wants to help but they don’t push it. They all are more than aware what Reid’s father and Gideon’s desertion had done to the genius. None of them would even think of getting JJ to betray Reid’s trust, no matter how much they want to know. A betrayal of trust would only send Spencer running, and they could lose him forever. It is a risk none of them are willing to take.
“Hotch, Spence is ready to speak to you now.”
Aaron tries to read the blonde’s expression for clues but comes up empty. Her pained expression makes him feel scared, not a feeling he enjoys. Solemnly, he strides to his office. The slight slump of his shoulders, starkly different from his normal tension-filled rigidity, is telling of how afraid he truly is. Hotchner’s face is even more grave than usual and his distress is apparent. He assesses the young genius. The defiance from before is gone. His shoulders are slumped, as if he already has given up. As if there is no fight left in him, no hope to win whatever war he is fighting. His posture screaming the utter despair and hopelessness he is feeling. Hotch can see that Spencer’s eyes are slightly red from crying.
Hotch’s heart aches. His friend, a man he sees as his slightly odd but much loved younger brother, is in such pain and there is nothing he can do. He feels utterly helpless, much like when he was young and could not protect Sean and his mother from his drunken, abusive father. The older agent curls his hands into tight fists to stop himself from reaching out to the other man. He wants to embrace Reid, as he would Jack, to hold him and vow everything will be okay. But he can’t. Aaron doesn’t even know what is going on and it would be foolish to give Reid a platitude. Spencer would be offended at the lie, and considering both his and JJ’s behavior it would most certainly be a lie. Everything is not okay and he doesn’t know if it ever will be. As much as he wants to, Hotch restrains himself from hugging the other man. He knows how uncomfortable Spencer can be with physical intimacy and doesn’t want to make this situation any harder than it already is.
“Reid, you wanted to speak to me?” Aaron whispers gently. He keeps his voice soft, his posture non-threatening, as if speaking to a child or a vulnerable witness.
“Hotch, I n-need to take a few d-days off. I need to clear my h-head…and figure out what to d-do next,” he stutters softly.
The older agent nods. “Of course. Please, let me know if there is anything I can do. Anything at all. And let me know what you…decide.” He briefly cups the younger man’s shoulder, squeezing gently, as a show of support.
With that, Spencer quietly leaves the room with a very solemn Hotch watching him go. The other agents are grouped together in the center of the bullpen. At the sound of the door opening, each of them looks up at Spencer exiting. Their eyes watch him intently, but silently. Reid, for the most part, ignores them as he gathers his things. He knows they are staring, how could he not? But he gives no reaction. Morgan, seeing that Reid is leaving breaks off from the group. As Spencer waits for the elevator, Derek stands beside him. He coaxes softly, “Pretty Boy, tell me what’s wrong. Where are you going? Talk to me, please.” Morgan’s soft brown eyes are pleading. Entering the elevator, Reid looks briefly at the man with heartbreakingly sad eyes, those eyes that seemed to be tracing over his features like a caress before murmuring “Goodbye, Derek,” as the doors close.
Morgan’s heart seizes. Reid never calls him Derek, never. In eight years, he has never called him that. He is Morgan, not Derek, never Derek. The young genius seemed to be saying a final goodbye to him. And Morgan is terrified of that. Almost physically shaking from the fear that he’ll never see Reid again, that he’ll lose his best friend because of whatever it is that is eating Spencer. Derek cannot imagine a life without him, without his quirky, rambling genius who has a heart of pure gold and a soul of pure light.

I am also on fanfiction and AO3 at the same penname. You can follow me on tumblr at reid-morgan2123
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He's the One That I Want