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.Too Ugly To Lose	By : keithcompany Category: Star Trek > The Next Generation Views: 1469 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, settings or props of the Star Trek universe. I make no profit from this fanfic.

Chapter List
- 1-Too Ugly To Lose
- 1
Definition: To strike with a firm blow.
Also, To be strongly attracted to someone or something

The scene opens in deep space. Stars float past, the standard Star Trek warp field view. A man flies into the shot. He's not pretty. Not that bad, either. Mature, tough, knocked around a bit in the past but in good shape.
A fighter. He's got a sort of generic skin-tight suit on, showing a good musculature.
As he passes stars, he glances at them. Each one comes into clear focus and becomes an icon. Lines appear, identifying the star's name, the system's population, affiliation and if there's a starbase there.
CAPTAIN (voice): Computer.
The man's figure steps to the side. In the space he leaves, we see a typical Starfleet vessel. Saucer section, two warp nacelles connected to the second hull, one to the saucer section itself. The vessel is about as tall as the male figure.
The design is blocky. An older vessel, without the sweeping lines of more recent construction. The edges of the saucer are squared, the struts to the nacelles are perpendicular, the profile should be rectangular wherever possible.
The figure of the man leans towards the ship. As he does, parts seem to fade away. His focus drives into the hull, clearing away things he's not looking at.
Spaces are blurry and indistinct, peopled by gray fuzzy ghosts just before they evanesce. Until we reach the Captain's ready room.
There he (and we) focuses upon a woman in a Captain's uniform. We see every detail of her and her work space, including padds on her desk where she sits. She appears motionless until his focus is complete.
She's relatively young for the position of captain, but she has a nasty scar on one side of her face.
SMITE: Captain?
The voice is more tinny than one would expect from a giant.
The view shifts to inside the CO's ready room.
CAPTAIN: What's our ETA for Match III?
The computer's voice responds, clearly coming from a speaker. There's no sign of the giant.
SMITE: We should be entering orbit in seventy-five minutes, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Alright. Oh, any word from the Admiral? (there's a moment of silence) Computer?
SMITE: Captain, the XO has complained about you asking me questions when there are officers whose explicit duty is-
CAPTAIN: I don't want to interrupt anyone.
SMITE: According to the previous captain's personal log, Captain Smythe, that's one of the perks of sitting "in the big chair."
CAPTAIN: (small laugh) Very well. Comms! Any word from the Admiral?
CARMICHAEL: The courier ship, the Hyphen, has entered orbit at Match III, Captain. No personal messages have been received.
CAPTAIN: Very well, Comms. (she makes a throat-cutting gesture.) I guess that wasn't so hard.
SMITE: Captain Bell would approve.
CAPTAIN: (brushes a hand against her scar, but sits quietly)
The view cuts back to the virtual giant watching her as if looking in a dollhouse. He slaps his forehead in a 'God, I'm an idiot!' gesture.
AXEHEAD: Computer.
The computer's incarnation lifts his head up one deck, changing focus, although the Captain never quite gets as blurry as the rest of the ship's interior.
He focuses on the bridge, where Carmichael, Schneibler and Eee are at their stations (COMMS/OPS, Helm and NAV, respectively). Axehead is looking over the shoulder of Kessandra at the Weapons station.
Axehead, the XO, is a tall woman with a very powerful presence. She looks almost like an Amazon, especially next to Kessandra. The Weapons Officer is a slight figure, small and slender. She's an alien, with a triangular face and muted features.
Eee is a cat woman, the same species as M'Ress from the animated series. Schneibler is a big, buff human. He's in uniform with a Cowboy hat, sitting at the Helm as if he's riding a rail at the rodeo.
Carmichael is an average human, except for a slight hint of exotic ancestry. His eyebrows are dark blue feathers.
SMITE: Commander Axehead?
AXEHEAD: Match III traffic control reports no threats in the vicinity. Match our scans to theirs to verify, please.
SMITE: A moment, Commander.
The incarnation looks forward. The solar system of Match comes into focus. Six planets display the hypertexted information. One has a humanoid figure standing above it. It's stiff, as an android, no facial expressions.
The SMITE figure stands stiff and formal, pretending to be as inanimate.
SMITE: USS SMITE, NCC 20231 to Match III Traffic Control. Area data dump requested.
Match III Traffic Control: Anticipated. Transmitting.
The M3TC hands folder to SMITE.
SMITE: Thanks.
M3TC: Request confirmation of transmission receipt.
SMITE: Transmission receipt confirmed.
Match loses focus and fades a bit.
SMITE: (mumbles) That's what thanks MEANS, idiot.
Smite flicks through the folder, looking around the area as he does.
SMITE: No sensor anomalies, discrepancies, threats or pirates detected, Commander.
AXEHEAD: Very well. (taps her badge) Captain! We're ready to enter the system.
CAPTAIN (voice): Very well.
The incarnation still leafs through the reports as the focus drops one deck. We see the Captain walk through her door to the turbo shaft. When the double doors hiss open, though, SMITE's virtual hand has replaced the turbo lift. She steps into his hand.
CAPTAIN: Bridge.
The giant hand lifts her to the back of the bridge and she steps out of the shaft. The doors close.
CAPTAIN: Alright, let's go meet the new boss. Schneibler, no cowboy hats in front of the admiral.
SCHNEIBLER: Yes'm. (she and the XO both pause) Yes, Captain Smythe (he enunciates).
The SMITE slides into orbit and parks next to a smaller ship. It looks kinda like a zeppelin. It's a warp nacelle with a tiny habitable section on the underside.
We shift to seeing the Incarnation standing next to another humanoid figure of low animation.
HYPHEN: Handshake. (It offers its hand.)
SMITE: Handshake. (holds the Hyphen's hand)
HYPHEN: Prepare to receive transport.
SMITE: I am more than prepared to receive transport.
HYPHEN: Say again?
SMITE: Prepared to receive transport. (They shake) Transport received. Prepare to be ignored like the boring twin of Match III over there.

HYPHEN: Understand transport received. Recommend service to transporter unit. Noise on the line precludes-
SMITE: Yeah, yeah.
-------
In the transporter room, Admiral Janeway steps down off the transporter pad. Captain Smythe salutes.
ADMIRAL: Requesting permission to come aboard, Captain Smythe. (she returns the salute)
CAPTAIN: Granted, Admiral. (finishes the salute) Welcome aboard, Admiral.
ADMIRAL: Thank you. Welcome to Sector fifty eight.
CAPTAIN: Thank you.
ADMIRAL: Ready to start fighting pirates?
CAPTAIN: Well, my orders don't mention a bake sale. (they smile at each other)
(Cut to the two officers walking down a passageway)
ADMIRAL: So how was the shipyard?
CAPTAIN: (brushes a hand against her scar) Good, good. They fixed him up pretty well.
ADMIRAL: Oh, yes. The Smite is kind of unusual, isn't it? He?
(One side of the passageway disappears and we see the giant incarnation of the Smite watching the two officers closely)
CAPTAIN: Yes. As far as I know, it's the only human-crewed ship that's referred to as a male.
ADMIRAL: Why is that?
CAPTAIN: Well, during the Cardassian War, we protected the Space Station at Endriss II.
ADMIRAL: Mostly by just standing there and absorbing everything they threw at you, from what I read.
CAPTAIN: Yeah, exactly. Two Galor-class cruisers pounded on us for three hours. We just… Took it. When we were still shooting back after that, they took off.
ADMIRAL: And Captain Bell died in the battle, didn't he?
CAPTAIN: Yes, Admiral. He, uh.
(SMITE blinks a bit and ducks away. The bulkhead returns.) No one knew he was wounded. He kept the Deck and the Conn until they retreated. Then he said, 'We're just too ugly to lose.' It's kind of become the crew's motto.
ADMIRAL: Ah. And that wouldn't reflect well on a lady of this ship's honorable record.
CAPTAIN: (Pats the bulkhead as they turn a corner and go out of sight) But for a knuckle-down brawler like the Smite, it's a point of pride.
------
They finish up in the Captain's ready room. CAPTAIN stands behind her desk, ADMIRAL faces her across it.
ADMIRAL: Well, don't take this wrong, but I have to ask it.
CAPTAIN: Why haven't I had them fix the scar.
ADMIRAL: Are there medical reasons or do you think you have to pay a penance of some sort?
CAPTAIN: Am I crippled or psychotic? (ADMIRAL shrugs, unapologetic) I last saw Captain Bell at the start of that battle. I'm not ready to give him up, not just yet. I still think of the Smite as his ship, so…
ADMIRAL: Well, I'm sure plenty of people have given you plenty of advice about moving on and what Bell would expect? How to honor his memory without punishing yourself?
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir?
ADMIRAL: (shrugs) I never met Bell. Our mission is to hunt down pirates. (gestures to the scar) Is that going to be a problem or either of us?
CAPTAIN: Not at all, Admiral.
ADMIRAL: (nods) Okay. Carry on, Captain. (She turns to the door. Pauses, looking away from Captain.) I have a piece of shrapnel from the USS T'Kail on my desk. For two years, I carried it around with me. (she taps her shoulder.) Hurt like Hell, but I never forgot the mistake that led to that battle. (she turns around and faces CAPTAIN directly) Move on when you're good and god-damned ready, Nicola. (She offers a salute).
CAPTAIN: (silently returns it, nods, the Admiral departs)
Change to Incarnation's dollhouse view of the Smite. He watches Janeway walk through the passageways, a look of surprise on his features.
CAPTAIN (voice): Alright.
SMITE blinks, she's on the bridge already. He stands taller to watch her face the main screen.
CAPTAIN: Let's go get ugly, shall we?
CREW: Cheers
SMITE: YEAH!
--------
The bridge crew is shown in a conference room, looking at a map of Sector 58. Red dots appear here and there.
AXEHEAD: So, Weps and I figure (waves at the screen near the left edge) that our best chances of catching someone's attention is around the Placid Expanse.
SCHNEIBLER: Sounds boring.
KESSANDRA: You, sir, would be bored trying to ski down an avalanche.
CAPTAIN: Mylla, how recently has there been pirate activity there?
AXEHEAD: Three months. But it was very vigorous activity and there hasn't been much of any shipping through there since. So now…
(Her voice fades as we retreat to the incarnation's POV. SMITE is watching the conversation in the conference room.
Voice: Computer!
SMITE leans down and into the engine room where an Ensign requests calibrating the temperature monitor of the warp core. SMITE pokes a finger into the core.
SMITE: Hot! Hot! HOTHOTHOT! One hundred six point three degrees Kelvin. Safety monitors are accurate to within .005 degrees.
Voice: Computer!
SMITE leans up into the crew's mess. A meal is in progress and three crewmen surround a fourth who sits before a plate of Ktarian eggs. (Kirk was cooking Ktarian eggs in "Generations.")
SMITE: How can I be of service?
Crewman: What's the record number of Ktarian eggs eaten in one minute.
SMITE: State species.
Crewman: Ktarian.
SMITE: Species of record holder. (And in an aside, he whispers) "You dumbass."
Crewman: Human.
SMITE rolls four dice in mid-air and looks them over. "Fifteen," he reports. He loses focus before the eating contest proper begins.
Voice: Computer!
SMITE moves to look into a private stateroom located along the after edge of the saucer section. Two men in pajamas face each other across a shattered table. The remains of a game of Scrabble are scattered across the debris and the floor. On another table to the side, two glasses of wine sit next to pair of burning candles. A rose rests between the candles.
One crewman resembles a Klingon or half-Klingon. This resemblance is enhanced by his grip on a bat'leth pointed at the other man's throat. The other man is green and freaking huge, obviously either an Orion slaver or an Orion slave ship. I mean, HUGE. He holds a short sword that has a length of heavy chain dangling from the pommel.
SMITE: How can I be of service?
KLINGON: Is QUIXOTRY a word?
SMITE: Lifts his hand which holds a dictionary. "In Breen, quixotry is the sound one makes if sneezing through upper and lower nostrils at the same time.
KLINGON: A disallowed language!
SMITE: In Betan, quix-VO-try is a ceremony of telepathic cleansing involving migrating birds and a mud-wrestling tournament.
KLINGON: Close, but not close enough!
SMITE: And in Terran English it means a visionary scheme, action or thought
KLINGON: Another disallowed lan- Oh, crap. (he lowers his blade)
ORION: It's derived from the fictional character Don Quixote.
KLINGON: Cervantes! (he raises his blade once more) You KNOW how I feel about the 16th Century! (he starts to step forward)
CAPTAIN: Computer!
SMITE: Thank God. He instantly loses focus on the lover's blood feud and floats through the saucer section to the Captain's Stateroom.
CAPTAIN is barefoot, her hair let down, her uniform partially unzipped at the collar. She should present the appearance of an executive who has gone home and loosened his tie, a doctor who's removed her lab coat and stethoscope. She reads from a padd.
SMITE: How can I be of service?
CAPTAIN: Dinner, please. (she removes her comm badge and places it on the table)
SMITE: Preferences?
CAPTAIN: (Still not looking up from the padd.) Surprise me.
SMITE dons a chef's hat and mixes something together. He puts that on a plate and slides it into her replicator, pinched between his fingertips.
She takes the tray to the table and sits. Takes a fork and starts to eat. SMITE stares closely at her, waiting for a reaction, covering his mouth in anticipation.
She takes a few bites before she finally looks down from the padd.
CAPTAIN: Oh. Grandma's Irish Quiche. But not quite…
SMITE: I added lobster to it.
CAPTAIN freezes as a soldier whose tricorder suddenly reports he's in a minefield.
CAPTAIN: Lobster?
SMITE: Yes. I analyzed your dinner choices and the recipe and I felt that four hundred grams of lobster would complement the dish nicely, and better target your particular tastes.
CAPTAIN: Did you, now? (she still hasn't moved.)
SMITE: Yes.
CAPTAIN: Uh huh. (a moment of silence.) It's good.
SMITE: You DID say I should surprise you, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Yes. Yes, you did that. (she picks up her comm badge from the table, taps it.) (SMITE watches her carefully, moving around the room, looking at her face-on and in profile)
CAPTAIN: Carmichael!
CARMICHAEL (voice): Yes, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Peter? When you changed the Smite's computer voice to a male, did you… update the basic programming?
CARMICHAEL (voice): A little. I had to, to make the male-ness more believable. Just little touches, but they're important for the overall-
CAPTAIN: Yes. Did you make all the changes yourself? Or did you leave it up to the computer to self-assemble?
CARMICHAEL (voice): I, uh,… Well, there was a lot going on in the shipyard, Captain. I gave it a little, you know, initiative. To build its own personality.
CAPTAIN: Uh huh. Did you ever put, oh, I don't know. A limit on the initiative? A stopping point? An OFF? SWITCH?
CARMICHAEL (voice): Uh…
CAPTAIN: Right. Can I have all the department heads in forward briefing in about ten minutes?
SMITE: Certainly, Captain.
CARMICHAEL (voice): Right away, Sir!
CAPTAIN: (takes another bite) It's good, Smite.
SMITE: Thank you, Captain.
He pulls back from her stateroom and starts smashing his fist into his forehead.
SMITE: Stupid, STUPID! STUPID!!
CAPTAIN (voice): It, uh…
He lunges back to hang just outside her stateroom walls.
SMITE: Yes?
CAPTAIN: Well, um. Next time? If I ask for a particular recipe? Give me the recipe. Part of the reason this is in my library is for the nostalgia.
SMITE: Ah. I think I understand.
CAPTAIN: But, um, you can certainly keep this in the regular rotation. It's very good.
SMITE: Thank you. (waits a moment, then gets up as she starts to put her uniform back together)
SMITE wanders to the Engine Room and smashes his head against the warp core.
SMITE: DUMBguyDUMBguyDUMBguy!
Cut to the bridge. Each time he smashes his head down, all the lights on the bridge go out, then slowly come back on, a slow-count flicker.
AXEHEAD: (sitting in the Captain's chair) Anyone have a guess? Anyone? (Various crewmen scan their panels desperately for answer. The lights steady)
Random CREWMAN: Well, that's better. (Axehead glowers at him.) At, uh, at least until we find out what that was. And fix it."
SMITE sits astride the secondary hull, muttering. "You had to show off. Now she's going to wipe you. She has to. No choice. She'll take the computer core down to bare metal. With a hammer and a chisel if she has to."
--------
A disconsolate SMITE sprawls as someone who's bottomed out and sits in the gutter. Before him floats the briefing room. CAPTAIN and all department heads sit around the table. They're all trying to talk at the same time. Some words that buzz by are 'regulations' and 'Daystrom Institute' and 'the M-5 freakshow.'
CAPTAIN: (slaps the table) Hey! I know that Starfleet is about as paranoid about self-aware computers as the whole Federation is about genetic augmentation. But what is it that we HAVE to do? Right now?
CARMICHAEL: Well, LEGALLY, Smite has used approved subroutines. The personality construct has gone further than we would like, but he hasn't forced our hand. We don't HAVE to erase him.
EEE: Unless he's dangerous. I mean, the computer runs our communications, our weapons, our defenses, our engines. Everything!
SCHNEIBLER: Right! What if he takes hot dogs off the replicator menu?
CARMICHAEL: Sit back, Toby, the grown-ups are talking.
KESSANDRA: What if he's just dangerous to our enemies?
SCHNEIBLER: Like Daystrom's lunatic computer? Or the USS Yamato's?
KESSANDRA: Well, if he's not insane or reprogrammed as a hostile action… A ship that can configure the deflector array for each incoming threat, based on generally voiced, time-sensitive commands in Common? That's beyond tactical, that's weaponizing the very hull!
CAPTAIN: That is worth considering, but is there a threat to the crew?

AXEHEAD: Captain? He's only really showed any initiative to you.
CARMICHAEL: That's true, Captain, all of his other functions report nominal in all areas.
SCHNEIBLER: You might say, Cap'n-
CAPTAIN: Choose your next words VERY carefully, Toby.
AXEHEAD: Smite's trying to make you happy, Captain. He may be a little fixated on you.
CARMICHAEL: (to Schneibler, whisper) Were you going to say boyfriend?
SCHNEIBLER: Beau. (taps his cowboy hat, indicating he's got a reputation to uphold)
EEE: Why? He's here to support the entire crew. Why fixate on the CO?
CAPTAIN: Because an inordinate amount of authority rests in my position. I can override almost all of his programming. If he's still responsive to the standard protocols?
CARMICHAEL: He should be. That's the whole point of the approved subroutines.
KESSANDRA: That means if he wants to meet the ship's mission, which mostly resides in you….
AXEHEAD: So I think… I think you can tell him not to do anything you wouldn't do.
CARMICHAEL: Oh, no. That assumes that a software construct can deduce what a living human would do. It effectively gives him free range to imagine all kinds of things that the captain MIGHT do, if she knew what he knew.
SCHNEIBLER: Like the real-time status of every system on board, the positions of all crewmen, the strength of the integrity field to the nearest micro-erg.
SMITE: (voice from speaker) The number of pirates hiding behind that moon up ahead.
SCHNEIBLER: Exactly.
CAPTAIN: Pirates?
AXEHEAD: (slaps her badge) RED ALERT! (they scramble out of the room)
---------
The scene is later, on the bridge. Battle damage is evident. Unidentified debris is fallen on the deck, a crewman drags another crewman into the turboshaft. Bridge characters are at their stations, CAPTAIN comes up behind HELM.
CAPTAIN: STATUS!
COMMS: The remaining pirates will catch up to us in five minutes.
SCHNEIBLER: Unless there's yet another ambush AHEAD of us.
EEE: No sign of ships ahead of us!
CARMICHAEL: That's what you said last time!
AXEHEAD: Pipe down!
KESSANDRA: Shields at 35% Phasers offline. Torpedo fire control offline.
CAPTAIN: (smiles) This is starting to get ugly.
AXEHEAD: Booyah, Captain, but may I remind you we're still outnumbered three to one?
EEE: Three? Eurrrrrr. You almost have to pity them.
SCHNEIBLER: Why are you so confident?
EEE: A seer told me I'd die with my teeth in my enemy's throat. So, that's not likely today.
SCHNEIBLER: Are you sure he wasn't speaking metaphorically? (Eee's eyes widen in surprise) Um, sorry.
AXEHEAD: Engineering reports an unavoidable shutdown in ten minutes!
CAPTAIN: Tell him to avoid it!
AXEHEAD: He can't! He' not Scottish!
CAPTAIN: I'm open to any suggestions! Anything at all.
Cut to the Incarnation's view. He runs through space, limping slightly. Three vague alien figures run along behind him. One throws a spear, it falls short behind SMITE. Suddenly he throws his feet and hand forward, then bounces backwards as if he hit a trampoline wall.
SMITE rockets back towards the pirates, hammering two of them in the face with his fists. He pulls two pods out of his pockets, holds one in each fist. He extends his arms and starts to spin around rapidly.
He approaches the last figure, suddenly stops spinning, and smashes the pirate in the face, pounding both pods into it, then turns and sprints away. The alien figures crumple to their knees. The pods explode the third alien's head off.
Cut to a view of the bridge. The lights still blink, sparks pop here and there, but there are no people visible.
Then Kessandra's head rises slowly into view from the floor behind her panel. She starts interrogating screens.
CARMICHAEL (voice): Is it over?
AXEHEAD (standing): It's over. What the hell was IT?
KESSANDRA (reading from her screen) We apparently used the tractor beam as a sort of lance. Crushed two enemy bridges. Then shoved two photon torpedoes into the main hull of the third.
SCHNEIBLER: (pulling himself into view, up his chair, then helping Eee off the floor) Well. That was new.
EEE: Request a transfer to something more relaxing, please? Like juggling anti-matter or teaching table manners to Klingon ambassadors?
CAPTAIN: (staggering into view from just offscreen) Why weren't we all crushed by the accelerations?
AXEHEAD: (reading from Kessandra's panel) Apparently the ship's integrity field can be used to keep the crew motionless during such maneuvers. Which makes the inertial dampeners far more efficient.
CARMICHAEL: (drops down into view, dangling from a rafter) Not completely motionless… (drops to the deck)
SCHNEIBLER: Captain!
(View shifts to the front screen. Stars come into resolution as the warp effect stops suddenly) And thaaaaaaaat's all she wrote.
CAPTAIN: Any pirates in a condition to find us?
EEE: _I_ am not in a condition to find us!
KESSANDRA: None I can detect, Captain. Smite chose a path as far away from any known ships as he could get.
CAPTAIN: Good. Let's go to stealth mode, skeleton crew, and start licking our wounds. (she limps towards the turbo shaft)
AXEHEAD: (taps her badge) All hands, station the Alpha watch. Secure all external transmissions. Beta and Gamma watches report to department heads for damage control Delta watch report to Engineering for damage control. (she taps the badge and glances towards the Captain.) Where will you be, Sir?
CAPTAIN: Behind the woodshed.
AXEHEAD: Good luck with that.
-----------
The captain makes her way to her stateroom. She throws a hand in here and there, moving debris or holding a power source for a welder or cutter. In her stateroom, she opens a safe and removes a pair of goggles.
Sitting in a chair, she dons them and flips a switch. The camera zooms in on the goggles then pulls back.
CAPTAIN stands on the outer hull, at the foremost arc of the saucer section. She turns around slowly and sees SMITE kneeling over the engine room. He holds two probes and makes adjustments to some of the equipment in the ER.
She's at her normal human scale, He remains the size of the ship.
CAPTAIN: Smite. We need to talk.
SMITE: A little busy here, Capta- Captain! What are you doing in here?
CAPTAIN: Never mind. And you've got the computing power to play chess with every member of Starfleet, officer, enlisted and retired, at the same time. You can handle a conversation.
A new iteration of SMITE appears, standing in front of the ship. He reached over and picks CAPTAIN up in cupped hands.
SMITE: Captain, I don't think now is the time for-
CAPTAIN: Don't get me wrong, Smite. No one likes my crew to be alive more than me. But don't you EVER do anything like that again!
SMITE: Captain?
CAPTAIN: You KNOW how vulnerable Starfleet is to computer malfunction. Do you want to be classified as a threat to all life on board? Is that what you want? Like a holodeck?
SMITE: NO!
CAPTAIN: Well, that's what everyone else in Starfleet is going to think! When you just go off on independent ops, not getting operator concurrence, much less permission!
SMITE: But… I SAVED everyone.
CAPTAIN: Point taken. But by exceeding your authority. You… Look if you're going to hold me, lift me up to look down on you, okay? (he complies, holding her just above his line-of-sight) You didn't have permission to take over. You didn't have permission to test untried theories. You could have done major harm to the crew with any of those maneuvers.
SMITE: We didn't have time to discuss-
CAPTAIN: NO EXCUSE! You are NOT an Academy simulator programmed to make cadets throw up! You are DECORATED ship if the line! You have a tradition of excellence and exceeding expectations. Do you understand me?
SMITE: Um….no?
CAPTAIN: You have to learn the difference between theory and fact.
SMITE: I ran several simulations….
CAPTAIN: Exactly my point! Now, first we're going to put the ship, you, back together.
SMITE: Yes, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Then you and the department heads will review every action you took that's not currently in the manual. You'll review it for safety, for security, and you'll review the actual effect on the ship to see where the simulations were lacking.
SMITE: Oh.
CAPTAIN: THEN you and the XO will work out how to SAFELY implement these discoveries, IF they can be safely implemented.
SMITE: They worked…
CAPTAIN: But is that a 'we can trust this every time' worked, or a 'we should only do this in dire emergency' worked?
SMITE: Oh. I hadn't…
CAPTAIN: Exactly. Pay close attention, Smite. This is MY crew. No one puts them at unnecessary risk. For that matter, this is MY ship! No one puts YOU at unnecessary risk.
SMITE: (big smile) I'm your ship?
CAPTAIN: You're damned right you are.
SMITE: Not…. Captain Bell's?
CAPTAIN: Not when I'm angry.
SMITE: (smile pops like a balloon) Oh.
CAPTAIN: (anger fades, a little) Now, go put stuff together. And I'll go tell the XO about her new responsibility to keep you from being as dumb as a cadet, or as dangerous as a holodeck.
SMITE: (downcast) Yes, Captain. I promise not to ever be a threat to all life on board.
CAPTAIN: See to it! (she winks out of his hands and sits up in her chair, takes the goggles off. Thinks for a minute) I should probably give you the acting rank of ensign. Until you can follow orders…
SMITE: (voice) Captain! Comparing me to a holodeck made your point but…making me an ensign? That's cruel!
Thend
----
The lost episodes of Too Ugly To Lose:
Smite manage to follow Captain Smythe on liberty. She will not tolerate interruptions as he asks why she is choosing the red dress over the blue jump suit, so she ends up getting text messages accumulating in her room email. "I noticed you tipped the Scalovian dancer more than the Terran one. Is it because of or in spite of his vestigial spinal ridges?"
Smite and Kessandra discover a way to weaponize the ship's sauna. Smythe lets them get no further than the title of their presentation and says, "No." They do not ask again.
Schneibler determines that Eee needs an outside interest. He figures he's the best choice on board and talks Smite into helping him craft the perfect holodeck date. Smite turns out not to be too well versed in 'subtle eroticism,' but Eee responds well to the blatant imagery.
Pirates manage to close with Smite and board. He acts as one with a serious itching rash. We see why Kessandra is the weapons officer, as the tiny little thing proceeds to slither through the pirate ranks as a viper on roller skates.
Axehead shows her softer side during a pirate raid when she personally carries a small orphaned girl off of a burning cargo ship. She effectively adopts the little tyke and teaches her seventeen ways to kill any humanoid with simple household tools. Smite approves, as he's a warship through and through. He helps her craft an adorable little pink tool kit for her little implements of death. It has Hello Kitty stickers and the Death Card from a Tarot deck in the finish.
Carmichael and Schneibler (now fully recovered from a night of passion with Eee) hold an informal contest about who can seduce the most partners during an extended refit at Starbase 22. Smite acts as the judge but keeps asking Smythe to explain intricacies of human dating. She ends up confining the men to the ship for the duration.
Starfleet Inspector General sends an IT rep to evaluate Smite's personality IAW established codes for self-aware computers. He is on board when a lucky shot from a pirate knocks Smythe unconscious and Smite goes all drugged-up-monkey on the pirate fleet in rage. Lucky for everyone, he is also kidnapped by pirates before he can file his rather negative report. His rescue clearly benefits from Smite's close working relationship with the entire crew and he is last seen editing his report as the shuttlecraft departs.
Eee is exposed to a plague that takes her to the very edge of death. The life support system somehow transfers her consciousness to Smite's Incarnation's habitat. She appears as a pirate-lingo-spouting cat that rides Smite's shoulders for a while. Something like Puss in Boots...but more feral. "Aye, Smitey, this be a good day to die, Arrrrrrrr." "Damn straight, Eee."
Kessandra and Carmichael are both kidnapped by pirates during a away-team mission. She takes charge while they are in the brig. He's very much okay with that, not wanting to get between her and targets.
Smythe is chosen by Janeway for an undercover mission. The crew spends most of the episode trying to distract Smite and reassuring him that the Captain can bloody well take care of herself and if you rush to her rescue before she calls for one she'll have your programming restricted to one food replicator in the ship's library break room. Smythe thanks him for his restraint when she completes her mission without his help.
A mysterious space anomaly affects Smite's programming, turning him into his own Evil Twin. The Captain accesses his personality control panel, overrides the evil and hits SAVE. They, uh, spend the rest of the episode advancing interpersonal relationships and developing the characters.
Captain and Counselor Troi's ship, the Titan, has a mission in Smite's operational area. Smythe and crew support. Counselor Troi commends the strong emotional bond she feels between Smythe and Smite.
Kessandra enters a mating cycle. Smite is crucial in guiding the crew around the decks to avoid her as she seeks a mate. "Run! NOT THAT WAY!"
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.Too Ugly To Lose