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Seven Really Is a Magic Number, Apparently.	By : Dawn_223 Category: G through L > How I Met Your Mother Views: 3832 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own How I Met Your Mother, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Seven Really Is a Magic Number, Apparently.
- 1
Authors notes: I wrote this with the intention of making it really smutty, but it just ended up being fluffy :-) Moved from my fanfiction account. Published 2011, updated 2015.

Kids, everyone has their experimental phases, but that doesn't mean you should. In fact, don't.
"Hey! What kind of attitude is that?" asked Clarissa.
"A Dad attitude. And I'm right. I actually am this time, so shut up and listen to my story."
"Jeez, way to be a control freak." My son answered.
I was one of few that avoided any such activity, unless Barney was involved.
Barney always had something to do with it.

"Hey Ted, Ted…" he asked excited, grinning, "I bet you fifty bucks I could seduce those girls over there, right now, in this laser tag rink."
"Shut up Barney." I hissed, ducking down slightly, "they can hear us."
"You wish they could hear us," Barney moved forward a few steps, "You want, no, you BEG for them to come over here."
"YOU want them to come over here," I was getting really annoyed now. He wouldn't shut up and my signals were not hard to get!
Barney walked off. "You're dead to me," he muttered.
So I watched as Barney successfully distracted these three women as I attacked their base. Pointing my gaze upwards into the pipe, I aimed my gun carefully, and fired. BOOM.
One flash.
I caught a glimpse of giggles.
Second flash.
There was a hand brushing someone's shoulder.
Third flash.
I looked away.
EXPLOSION!

"Barney why do you have to be such a jerk?" I demanded, now in the bar, stretching my aching neck.
"What has gotten into you? How is pleasuring other women jerk-like behaviour?"
"Because," I couldn't grasp his idiocy, "You can't take three women at once, one has to be neglected. Don't you know the rule of threesomes?"
"There's a rule of threesomes?" Barney almost spilled his drink, "Ted, you're so inexperienced and naive. I'm quite sure, Ted, there's only the Rule of Awesome, and that is the rule, that if I am involved, anything, anything is plausible and within reach."
"Pfff," I rolled my eyes "Everyone knows threesomes only work with two guys and a girl. I don't care about your rule of-"
"TED, you know nothing, NOTHING!" Barney was disgusted. He could not comprehend my completely perfect logic, "There is only the rule of awesome, the rule of awesome, Ted!"
"Fine, fine. I don't care, just get me another drink."
So he did, and I tried as hard as I could to change the subject. Barney's logic had only gotten me into trouble, and I had no intention of listening to him talk about sex for the rest of the night, but it was Barney, yeah right.

"What does this have to do with you meeting Mum?" Clarissa asked
"Yeah, you've just been avoiding the subject the whole time." Eric agreed.
"I told you this story was going to take a while. If you keep interrupting me we really will be skipping dinner tonight."
"Urggg, not again!"

"So what's the point of this conversation again?" I drawled, taking my fumfteenth shot. Yes, that's a number.
"It's to say, that if you gave me the challenge of doing 5 girls and 3 guys at once, I would do that. 8 times.” Barney lay out his idea as simply as if it was a work proposal, “I would also happily do 7 guys at once."
"Pff, as if you could do 7 guys, you don't have enough penises."
"How dare you," Barney looked angry. "You have no idea what I hold underneath this beautiful, black suit!"
I smirked, knowing how I could turn this in my favour. "I think it's time you prove me wrong then. I want you to do 7 guys, by Friday. No more, no less."
"7 guys? Yes, yes…Ted, I think you have offered me the most glorious of all challenges. How am I going to find 7 gay, half gay or experimental guys? Challenge also accepted! Ted, you are legen- wait for it- dare-ry!"
And he ran like I have never seen him run before.
I also realized I had no idea to track his progress, so I decided to call Marshall to brainstorm ideas.
"Hey Marshall," I chuckled, squishing my fist on the table, "I just made Barney find a guy seventh-some. He also tried to convince me he has more than one pair of junk in his pants."
Marshall snorted. "Well that might explain why so many women are attracted to him." He gave Lily a look, "Although they must be flexible, and different lengths or they wouldn't be able to reach certain places."
We both giggled. I never did get around to asking him for help.
"What are you two talking about?"
Lily, who was in the middle of preparing a special kind of muffin, was incredibly interested in the conversation. Angry face on, there was the sound of gloves being removed.
"Hand over the phone, Marshall."

If it wasn't for Lily, I never would have joined Barney on his treck to a Gay Lesbian community a few suburbs away. I had been strangely homophobic since high school, and a group of gays did not sway me. Thankfully, Marshall accompanied me, along with Lily. We all wanted to see how much luck Barney had with the men of New York. Also thankfully, it wasn't the hellish nightmare I had been expecting. In fact, it was normal. It reminded me of a congregation of nerds, like an Internet bar, only without the Internet bar.
"Hey guys!" Marshall waved; nodding in a strangely seductive way only Barney and Marshall could make work. I waved humbly.
"Hi."
One 19 year old approached us, playing a DS version of a Pokemon game. He looked how I thought a younger Robin had looked if she had been a boy. It was strangely alluring. "You're one for both, right?"
He was talking to Marshall, looking hopeful. Marshall sighed.
"Sorry dude, I have my moments, but right now my heart belongs to Lily."
"We're married, sorry buddy." Lily showed him the ring, and the boy just looked more excited, "What about you two? Are you together?"
Huh? Oh right, he was talking to Barney and me.
"Nah… sorry…. I like the ladies." I explained.
"And my boyfriend here, Ted, is such a terrible liar!" Barney laughed, scratching his head, "still in the closet, I'm sorry to say, but eh, we've had some fun in the closet, right?"
He laughed one of his fake laughs, but this one was tingled with some honesty. Heh. Barney thought I was actually in the closet. Jackass.
"Barney, you're not supposed to spoil it," I grinned, giving Barney a brief pat on the shoulder, "So kid, what's your name?"
"Matthew."
"A fine name," Barney agreed, "Well, Matthew, I have a little suggestion for you."
"No, Barney, don't," Marshall hissed.
"That should be illegal," Lily agreed.
"Would you like to go out for ice cream sometime?"
He licked his finger, raising his eyebrows.
Matthew grinned. "Only if you pay"
Barney smiled, "Good boy, you won't be disappointed. I know all the best places."
He winked and pat him on the head. Lily's eyes widened, she turned around and gave Marshall a fake gagging motion.
It turned out that pick up line worked on 4 other boys, although Barney did manage to throw in.
"Do you want to go pole dancing together?"
And.
"So, I hear you like beef jerky."
None of which worked. So Barney was left with 3 more boys to find.

"So I think Barney is doing an eight-some, not a seven-some," Lily explained, walking back to the apartment, "Ted, your maths is terrible!"
"But eight-some just sounds stupid.” I counted, “'Oh, I'm going to have eight-some!' how lame is that?"
"I don't know, dude," Marshall was skeptical, "I think an octosome could be pretty awesome."
"You mean like an octopus?" Lily's mouth widened, "The fish? Ewww."
"Doing it like a fish," Marshall pumped a fist proudly, "Lily, let's do it like a fish."
"I think rabbits is a better idea. At least they smell a little better."
"Agreed."
I was left to watch the TV alone.
It's a strange thing, but once you are left listening to two people make passionate love to each other in the next room, everything becomes annoying. Even though I had the TV volume turned up more than usual, it still gave me the chills, and I almost wished I could be hanging out with Barney and his… five-some right now? His search for three other guys… oh, no.
Not knowing what I was doing, I leapt into the kitchen, skulled down a newly poured glass of water, and ran into Lily and Marshall's room.
"ARGGGG!"
They covered themselves up as quick as possible, which, as you can imagine, is never quite fast enough. But I had done that on purpose. I didn’t care anymore.
"Marshall, I have something really important to explain!"
"Ted, you perverted boy!" Lily covered herself up, blushing slightly, "we were almost finished."
"Yeah, man, you just got me out of the zone." Marshall wined.
I pushed their comments away.
"Look, I'm sorry, but it's best you stay out of the zone." I looked Marshall dead in the face, "Marshall, you know how Barney still has three other boys to find?"
"Yees?" Marshall began slowly, giving shifty eyes.
"What if that's us?"
Marshall went silent.
"But… would Barney really do that?" Lily asked.
"Lily, it's Barney."
"Yeah, you're right." Lily crossed her arms, "B-but you guys are allowed to refuse if you like, right? It’s still your decision."
"Yeah, but this is Barney," Marshall stroked his non-existent beard, "I don't know baby, I've heard Barney has magic powers."
"Yeah, like super, suit derived, dark, taboo, a billion hours worth of experience magic." I added.
Lily looked worried. "But my magic powers override Barney's right? Maybe I could compete with him."
"No, baby, don't." Marshall said firmly.
"But why not?"
"Because if Barney won my perfect image of you would be tarnished forever and I never want that to happen."
I expected Lily to get emotional and into the zone again, but instead her angry face appeared.
"Oh, that bitch is going down!" Lily grimaced, "Also, I could totally be the 3rd boy."
"Lily, no." I said.
Marshall was staring. Lily was gaining confidence.
"No, seriously. I'll just say I'm a gender confused gay, no one will know any difference."
"But Barney will!" I protested, "He's your friend, Lily."
"Oh, but Barney doesn't know how brilliant I can be!" Lily ran her hands through her hair, "Give me a second, guy’s. I'm going to get a make over."
Lily walked off before Marshall could refuse.
"She's got a point, you know." he said.
I just wondered worryingly what kind of seductive evil magic tricks Barney would play on us.
Although in Marshall's case, it was what tricks Lily would play on him.

"Hey! Who's this guy?" Robin asked, smiling widely. We were in the bar, again. "Have you met Ted?'
Lily laughed, "It's Terry"
"Robin, this is not the time," Ted lent into her ear, "That's Lily."
Robin's mouth widened into a mega smile "Shut up."
"I'm serious."
"Shut up!"
She didn't shut up for an hour, until Lily brought her to the bathroom and… did something to convince her. Robin returned dumbstruck.
"Oh, my, god. I can't believe you turned yourself gay, Lily!"
"I no longer accept you as a person. Get out of the country, no, get out of the whole universe you stupid, pathetic waste of space." Marshall joked.
Lily mockingly wiped an eye. "That was hurtful."

"Hey Ted."
Barney was on the other side of the apartment door. I suddenly went cold, my heart plummeted… it was time to say goodbye to my former sanity. If my mind couldn't fight Barney, I would join Barney.
"What is it?" I asked suspiciously. Marshall, who had been getting me beer, froze in the middle of the room. I glanced at him. He already knew what was going on. His eyes were wide and empty. He was frozen mid-step.
"I found another guy, God, he looks like Lily! Terry, he calls herself, I mean himself. Anyway I wanted to show Lily, could you get her for me?"
"Uhh…"
Dead. Of course Barney would want to show Lily her own boy-ness. Oh no.
"Lily went out to visit my parents," Marshall invented, walking towards the door "She figured she'd give my mum her own cookie recipes so she stops sending us really gross ones."
"I see, well could you take a photo at least?"
It took a while for Barney to go, and after Terry walked off, Barney asked me and Marshall to join in on his seven-some. I was going to say no, but Lily had already said yes, and since Marshall was going, I had to help him get through this. Barney had his ways of guilt tripping me.
Lily came running back inside to the apparent an hour later.
"Marshall, Barney just took me out for ice cream."
"Oh no," Marshall covered his face, "Baby, you okay?"
"I'm horrified." Lily couldn't even pull at her hair, "yet strangely impressed. Marshall, we have to do this seventh-some, it's going to be amazing."
"I do love watching boys kiss each other," Marshall smiled, "so it wasn't puke inducing?"
"Far from it," Lily smiled, "I hate to say it, but he'd make a great gay."
I snorted. Bimbo whoring Barney make a good gay. Yeah, right.
She had been right, by the way.
Yet I couldn't push out of my mind this concept. All of us had been friends for years, and we were all going to have some Barney fun together. The only one missing was Robin, but she wouldn't have cut her hair if someone paid her considerably. And Barney knew what was under those clothes; she could never cover it up.

"Marshall? Are you there?"
"No, it's Lily."
"Lily," I corrected, "I need to talk to you."
"Come in."
With a slow pull of the loose brass handle, I entered, and caught the best look of Marshall and Lily's room. Red sheets roughly cleaned; bedside table with half drunk water; clothes folded in a bunch. It gave the eerie comfortableness of married life, as though I had walked into my own fantasy. Lily and Marshall had it, and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Lily pat the side of her bed.
"Sit."
I did, feeling a little bit how Marshall might feel, like a future father.
"Lily, I was wondering… is doing it with Barney as a guy disturbing?"
"Well, no. We all had sex with each other until all of us were comfortable. It's like a build up to a seven-some."
"So Marshall doesn't mind you did it with more guys then just Barney?"
Lily shrugged, "He'll live. I think he's just excited because he gets to do it with you."
"With ME?"
"You're his best friend. Marshall is a really experimental type. I think he wants to drill you good."
"Me? B-but what about Barney?"
"It's not the same," Lily explained, "He hasn't known Barney as long as he's known you."
"It's a placebo," I thought, a strike of brilliance reaching my consciousness, "We all thought Barney was going to put a spell on us, so you became a boy to protect us. In the end, you fell under his spell, Lily. We just fell under yours."
Lily smiled, and I saw her as a boy for the first time. Her hair was a lot shorter, 'boy pretty', a Japanese animation sort of look, with black eyeliner and hair. It looked a lot how she did in high school, only now she was wearing contacts. She was a very attractive boy.
"So Ted, if you don't mind, I need to find Marshall."
She got up and stood in front of me.
"What? What for?"
"I think we need to practice, otherwise the seven-some will be very awkward."
Marshall stood before me, shirt off, pants still on. He sighed.
"You know guys, we don't have to do this. We could be like 'Screw you Barney, go find some other guys. It’s not too hard."
"But then I became a boy for nothing!" Lily glared, "Don't you dare suggest that ever again!"
"Lily…" I began, moving a little closer to her and placing my head on her chest, "Thank you for giving me this opportunity."
"Cut the crap, bro, that's my wife," Marshall explained.
I laughed. "You mean your HUSBAND."
Lily slapped me, and then kissed me on the cheek.
"So Ted, how are we going to do this? I mean, Marshall and I are very used to each other, but since you're in the picture."
There was a pause.
"I'm sorry if it’s weird." I responded.
"It's not weird, is it, Marshall?" Lily asked.
Marshall shrugged. "I don't care, dude. I've been there, ya know?" I tried not to comprehend what Marshall's underlying message was. I sighed.
"Well, I don't know if I'm ready. Lily, I love you, but this just isn't going to work. Same to you, Marshall. I'm not attracted to men, and I'm not attracted to Barney. So I guess I've just wasted both your time. Lily, you can go back to being a girl, I'll just walk out to the bar, and be alone again."
Marshall and Lily looked at each other. Their telepathic conversation went something like this:
Lily: We can't just let him go!
Marshall: Sure we can, he's made his decision
Lily: No!
Marshall: Lily, but I get to spend time with you, just you, the bed and me.
Lily: but we can't let Ted be alone again, not when he's with us. When he's with us, he can't feel that way- and I did not become a boy for nothing.
Marshall: We could always have our own boy on boy action.
Lily: It's not the same without Ted.
"Ted, just stay." Lily called, and I turned, but no one expected the scream that followed. Not even me.
Kids, there are many adult entertainment toys out there. Some are scary.
"They have a vibrator THAT big," I murmured awed, "God, it looks like a drill."
Some a great fun.
"Oooh, shock treatment. Let's get that, Marshall!" Lily called
And then there's this.
"I have my own penis," Lily grinned; waving her plastic thing around like it was a new dress. Marshall face palmed…
"Lily, don't scare, Ted."
But I wasn't scared. After the scream of shock, I started to laugh.
"You guys are the best."
And we rest in the bed, and eventually passion started to rise. We figured we might as well get rid of our issues now. It began in slow motion, with some intense staring. Lily tightened her new toy, and must have enjoyed what followed because I heard her breathing heavily next to me. Marshall was a good kisser. God, he was good at many, many things. Lily tried to be useful, but it turned out the Rule of Awesome did not apply to us. But the rule of friends enjoying each other's company still did, and that was what mattered. Not the sex or the fact Lily became a boy, but the fact we had memories to share.

"I'm hoooomeee!" Barney cheered, and he pranced into the room with what looked like a whole football team worth of gay men.
The Rule of Awesome did apply to Barney. I can't explain it because I couldn't comprehend it. I spent most of my time near Marshall and Lily, but at some point we were all part of Barney's brilliant plan.
"I gotta hand it to you, Barney," I hugged him, as Marshall ran off to the bathroom. "You managed to pull off a seven-some."
"OH MY GOD LILY IS A BOY!" Barney fell over backwards.
Lily and Marshall laughed, giving a high five.
"We still got it." they both smiled.
And that was the story of how Marshall was married to Lily the boy for 6 months, and how Barney didn't notice for a while then badly injured his head.
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Seven Really Is a Magic Number, Apparently.