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.Archer SW	By : keithcompany Category: -Misc TV Shows > General Views: 7969 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Archer show, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Danger Zone
- 1
(Malory is in her office, stirring her drink with a celery stick. Krieger enters holding what looks like a steampunk torch)
KRIEGER: I've done it!
MALORY: By 'done' I assume you mean 'had sex with' but by 'it' I assume you mean Malory Archer doesn't want to know what 'it' is.
KRIEGER: No, no, no. Okay, yeah, but that's not what I've done TODAY.
MALORY: What is it, then?
KRIEGER: I've invented Martian light.
MALORY: I didn't realize Mars was fattening.
KRIEGER: No, no, no!
CHERYL (voice): You SAID that already!
MALORY: She can't hear the phone ring on Tuesdays, but she can hear every conversation in the building.
KRIEGER: Anyway, not Martian LITE, but Martian LIGHT! Like Edgar Rice Burroughs.
MALORY: We get rice from paddies, not burrows.
KRIEGER: No… (he pauses, they both look to the door for Cheryl's objection but she remains silent) …no?
MALORY: What is it you have, Krieger, and what does it do?
KRIEGER: In the stories Burroughs wrote about Barsoom, the ancient Martians invented a way that light came out of a source, illuminated everything in the room, without shadows, and then circled back into the source.
MALORY: Sounds like science fiction.
KRIEGER: Oh, it is. (Shakes his torch) Or, it was!
MALORY: And you have invented something some hack writer invented a hundred years ago.
KRIEGER: Yes.
MALORY: And what good is that to a detective agency?
KRIEGER: Well, no one will be able to hide in the shadows when THIS puppy is on! (He flips a switch. Malory's office has big windows allowing in an amazing amount of California sunshine. There is no noticeable effect.)
MALORY: I see.
KRIEGER: Yes, you DO! You see EVERYTHING!
MALORY: Krieger, is this one of those flashlights that only work in daytime?
KRIEGER: That idea was valid, just a small matter of-
LANA: (entering the room and interrupting Krieger) Malory, did Archer give you any- (She squeals in surprise as she shrinks suddenly. Her voice rises in pitch as her body drops down to 11 inches in height. Her form-fitting miniskirt, wide belt and thigh-high boots keep scale with her) What the hell?
KRIEGER: Um… Did I do that?
MALORY: I would assume that only you could make her voice even more annoying.
KRIEGER: Sorry. (he reaches down and lifts Lana to the top of Malory's desk.) But it wasn't supposed to do that.
LANA: What have you done to me?
MALORY: It's always about you, isn't it? Maybe this wasn't done to you. Maybe Krieger made all of the rest of us giants.
KRIEGER: Really?
MALORY: No, not really, you idiot.
LANA: Krieger, you gotta fix this!
KRIEGER: First I need to know what THIS is. It's just a light source.
LANA: Then turn it off!
KRIEGER: Oh. Yeah. (he flips the switch. Nothing changes. He flips it again. Nothing changes.)
MALORY: What are you doing?
KRIEGER: Well, if it was the Martian light that did this to her, then it should have done it again.
LANA: STOP DOING THAT!
MALORY: Now, dear, don't be so upset. You've been wanting to lose weight, haven't you?
LANA: What? No!
MALORY: Oh. Well, if you say so. Now, Krieger, what could possibly be an explanation for why this affected Lana and not either of us?
KRIEGER: Oh! It could be that when the CIA recruited us for that mission inside the miniaturization-inventing scientist, the people who were selected for the mission, by which I mean everyone but you and me, suffered some lingering effects that went completely unnoticed until they were exposed to the particular radiation of the Martian Light. That sparks the recurrence of the shrinking effect, if only to 1/6^th scale rather than microscopic.
MALORY: That sounds plausible.
(Cut to Cheryl's desk where she sits, Pam sits in a guest chair next to the desk)
CHERYL: That sounds like a really chicken-shit way to advance the plot.
PAM: Time constraints. This isn't a two-parter.
(Cut to Malory's desk. Lana is holding her forehead with both hands.)
LANA: Krieger, you have to fix this. I can't pick up AJ from daycare if she can pick me up!
KRIEGER: Sure. But to do that safely, I'd need some expendable test subjects.
MALORY: Cheryl! Can you ask Pam to step in here?
PAM (voice): Why?
LANA: You can't seriously-
MALORY: Or do you think Abbiejean's ONLY MOMMY should be the only test subject for the recovery?
LANA: PAM! It's an instant weight lost invention!
PAM: (steps into the doorway) How instant? And why is Lana's voice so- (she shrinks) Holy Shit Snacks! (she looks up at Krieger as he steps over to pick her up) Holy giant shit snacks! (he places her down next to Lana)
KRIEGER: Now, we just need one more….
MALORY: Cheryl! Get in here!
CHERYL (voice): No! I saw what happened to Pam!
MALORY: Come on, it'll be fun.
CHERYL (voice): I don't wanna be Malibu Barbie.
MALORY: Good heavens, no. You're a New Yorker. You couldn't possibly handle the burden of being Malibu Barbie.
CHERYL (voice): Ha! And I guess I'm supposed to charge in there and protest this obvious insult?
MALORY: (to the shrunken women) Why not, it worked every other time?
PAM: Cheryl! Think about the glue!
CHERYL (voice): WHAT about the glue?
LANA: Oh, yeah, if your shrink, but the glue doesn't, then one bottle of glue…
PAM: Would keep you high for years!
CHERYL: (runs through the door) Now you're talking. (she shrinks and ends up holding a jar of rubber cement like a cask of rum) Ooooookaaaaay. NOW we're talkin'!
KRIEGER: (as he lifts Cheryl to the desktop) So the theory is sound. The people previously exposed to Dr. Kovacs' miniaturization technology have some latent properties that makes them vulnerable to more miniaturization when exposed to the Martian light.
CHERYL: (to Pam) You know, that plot shortcut isn't going to save us much time if we have a plot summary every five minutes.
MALORY: Hey, what about their clothes? Those outfits weren't exposed to the shrink ray.
CHERYL: Oooh, that's right! We should have shrunk out of our clothing.
LANA: What, tiny's not enough, you wanna be tiny and naked?
PAM: Yes. At least, I'd rather YOU were naked.
LANA: I'm still big enough to kick YOUR ass, Pam.
CHERYL: Fight! Fight! Fight!
LANA and PAM: Shut up, Cheryl.
KRIEGER: With respect to the mystery of the clothing-
MALORY: Rather than spending time on miniaturized garments, why don't you spend your time looking into reversing the effect?
LANA: Maybe before Ray comes in and wants to play dress up with the little dollies.
(Krieger nods and walks out, carrying his Martian light)
PAM: (wistfully) I always wanted Barbie's wardrobe.
MALORY: (reaches out, strokes Lana's back. Lana flinches away) You know, it's been a long time, but I do recall that I enjoyed playing with dolls.
CHERYL: Ooooh! Did you put those little Ziploc baggies over their heads until they begged for the sweet release of death?
MALORY: Um… No.
PAM: No, I don't think anyone else did, either.
LANA: My Barbie was a Charlie's Angel. A dual PhD in hand-to-hand combat and jewelry.
PAM: I only ever played with Princess Barbie.
CHERYL: (laughs) You're no princess. Even of dairy.
PAM: Oh, I never imagined that I was the Princess.
MALORY: (sarcastic) You were Prince Charming?
PAM: No. I was the dragon.
MALORY: (reaching to stroke Pam's shoulder) Well, then, I wonder how you'd taste covered in barbecue sauce.
CHERYL: Oh, you can't do that. I mean, sure, you TELL yourself you're just going to lick it off, then you start sucking on it, next thing you know you're picking someone's skin out of your teeth.
LANA: Remember that time I asked you to babysit AJ?
CHERYL: No.
LANA: There's a reason.
PAM: Oh, she's great with kids.
MALORY: I imagine she's great with duck sauce, too.
CHERYL: Yes! (she scampers over to Malory) Yes! Cover me with condiment! Bury me in barbecue sauce. Drown me in duck sauce. Slather me with… Something!
PAM: Slathered with Satay!
LANA: Satay isn't a sauce, it's a dish. A style.
PAM: It comes with a sauce.
LANA: But the sauce isn't 'satay.' It's usually a peanut sauce.
CHERYL: (ecstatically) And served… Skewered.
PAM: Okay, that's an unhealthy fantasy, even for you.
CHERYL: Long bamboo skewers, piercing flesh…
LANA: Shut it, Cheryl.
MALORY: If this turns out to be permanent, I imagine that-
LANA: PERMANENT!?!
PAM: What, seriously?
CHERYL: Or if not permanent… (she starts to stroke her torso) Maybe just for the rest of our lives.
LANA: (cuddling herself) Malory, do you have a soundproofed shoe box we could put her in?
CHERYL: (hopefully) Sound tight and air tight?
PAM: Too bad that office minifridge hasn't arrived yet.
CHERYL: Oh! Yes, that would be PERFECT! Too bad it… It… Um. Never got delivered.
MALORY: Where is it?
CHERYL: Who knows where delivery men put things when they're distracted?
LANA: How were they distracted?
CHERYL: Maybe by the chance of impersonal sex on the loading dock.
PAM: So the minifridge is on the loading dock?
CHERYL: Well, _I_ wasn't going to carry it up here. All those stairs?
LANA: Carry? Why not use the elevator?
CHERYL: Because no one wants to have sex in the elevator.
PAM: Depends on what button your push.
CHERYL: There's a sex button on the elevator? (dead silence for four seconds.
MALORY, LANA and PAM: Yes.
KRIEGER: (returns with an iPad) I figured it out!
LANA: The cure?
MALORY: Lana, does anything about today strike you as your lucky day?
LANA: Crap.
KRIEGER: No, see, if Dr. Kovac's shrinking ray affected matter on exposure, then people would shrink on the side of the ray, first, then the rest of the body would shrink only after that matter was 'out of the way,' as it were.
CHERYL: Well, duh.
KRIEGER: So the shrinking effect must penetrate to the center of the target's mass, then change somehow and come back out. So in effect, the body of the shrink ray's target radiates the actual shrink ray. So THEY shrank-
MALORY: Krieger, if all you've done is jimmy up a technobabble justification for their shrinking clothes, so help me God, I will overnight your testicles to a Canadian wolverine breeder.
CHERYL: Wait, let him FINISH!
KRIEGER: Well, um, no. I finished. Yep, that was pretty much it. I just, um…
LANA: Need to figure out how to turn us into our own unshrinking radiators.
KRIEGER: Exactly! (runs)
PAM: Do they really breed wolverines in Canada?
CHERYL: Duh! Where else would they do it, Monaco?
- 1
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.Archer SW