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No Ordinary Spoof
By : Odon
Category: Star Trek > Voyager
Views: 1635 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: See full disclaimer below.
Chapter List
- 1-No Ordinary Spoof
- 1
Title: No Ordinary Spoof
Author: Odon
Fandom: Star Trek Voyager
Pairing: Torres/Seven
Summary: What excuses do Voq Je Bang have for their incredible slackness in writing new fanfics?
Rated: R. Parody. Apologies to Googooplex and a whole bunch of others, their names contained within.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction using characters from Star Trek: Voyager which is the property of...well I can't be bothered rewriting this disclaimer every time they split or merge, so just look it up. It is written for entertainment purposes only, and no financial profit will be received for this work. The fanfic "No Ordinary Love" is the creation of the being known as Googooplex, or S.
Send feedback to odon05@hotmail.com. Archiving is welcome, but please try and contact me first. Thanks to Meagan for her beta-ing.

Cue voice of Majel Barrett: "Last week on Star Trek: Voq Je Bang..."
Taking the tequila bottle into her hands, RalSt faced them all solemnly, her usual good cheer and squint missing in this moment of utmost gravity. "After returning from holiday, S sent a message to the populace of VJB, calling us..." Looking around she included them all in the next statement. "...slackers! I fear there is only one punishment that fits this crime." With eyes closed, she took a gulp of the burning liquid, a silent prayer for forgiveness making its way to the Prophets. "We'll have to spoof her work."
"And now the conclusion."

NO ORDINARY SPOOF
"All right, let's get this over with," said the captain. She sat down in the command chair, crossing one leg over the other. "On screen."
The alien was a small, ferret-like creature with a long hairy snout that twitched almost uncontrollably. She was quite small in stature but more than made up for her size in bad attitude. The alien's clothing was clearly military in design, covered in flashy epaulets and gold tassels. Despite the high-buttoned tunic, little tuffs of hair sprung from her throat, escaping from the starched collar.
"How dare you keep me waiting for updates!" The alien spluttered furiously, projectile droplets of spittle flying everywhere. "Absolute slackers the lot of you!"
"And you are…?" asked Captain RalSt politely.
"I am General Googooplex of the Hypocritical Empire...what are you all laughing at? That is a very distinguished name where I come from! On my planet people who laugh at my name are left hanging off the edge of cliffs for weeks! I am also known as S."
"Is that S for 'slacker'?" inquired an Australian-accented ensign at the conn.
The alien glared at him. "I suppose you think you're funny, Odon?"
"Well yes actually," said Odon with a grin, which abruptly vanished as Captain RalSt gave him the dreaded Squint of Death.
"Exactly what is the problem, General Multiplex?" asked her loyal first officer Anaglyph, raising the ocular implant that had been tattooed on his forehead after a particularly wild drinking party.
"Googooplex! I'll tell you what the problem is! I've just spent ten days lying on the beach at my luxury resort, grooming my fur and being waited on hand and foot by nubile slaves specially selected for their resemblance to Jeri Ryan, secure in the knowledge that you lot were giving yourself carpal tunnel syndrome pounding away at your keyboards writing vast tomes of fanfiction for me to enjoy on my return. But what do I find? NOTHING!"
Security Chief H.W. raised an eyebrow. "Shall I stick a photon torpedo up her rectal orifice, Captain?"
"Who do you think you are?" cried RalSt as she took a hefty swig of vodka-laced coffee. "My senior officers are busy working on our Voyager Eighth Season Project!"
"I'm having ISP problems," complained Fastriver (or was it Xakana?)
"I'm in mourning," moaned Anaglyph. "Some yahoo trashed my website."
"I tried writing another update for 'Resistance'," said Steff. "But it was futile."
"My beta reader is two busty to luck at my storys," said Jams Campion jr.
"I have chocolate syrup on my hands," protested CDS.
"I have a ten-thousand word assignment on the post-modern semiotics of pizza advertisements that's due in three days!" said Tracie.
"I've got to go through NINE university texts," said Kathryn. "And take out every single U."
"Don't ask me to write anything," said Two of Nine. "I'm just a number."
"I'm just a letter," said X.
"I can't think!" said RalSt.
"What do you mean you can't THINK?" snorted Googooplex.
"My turbolift doesn't go all the way to the top story. It keeps getting stuck so Seven and B'Elanna can have sex."
"You don't need to THINK to write!" pontificated the hirsute alien. "Look at some of the brainless plots TPTB have come up with!"
"I've written another parody," Odon chimed in.
"I don't know," said RalSt doubtfully. "I have a problem with some of the terms you used in your last piece of fiction, Odon."
"You mean '#&^!', '%$@#', or 'Seven of Nine's enormous pair of Ð#!^.'?"
"No, it was the terms 'J/7' and 'J/T'."
"Oh," said Odon, looking down at his console and muttering something about 'Pommie bastards'.
"Bah! What pathetic excuses!" expectorated S. "What about the rest of you then?"
"My muse is dead."
"Real Life has been keeping me busy."
"I've run out of ideas."
"I've run out of coffee!"
"My laptop turned out to be Odo in disguise."
"I've entered a non-corporeal state, so my fingers can no longer touch the keyboard."
"I broke my keyboard over a P/T fan's head."
"I'm a spy from JanewaySlash."
"My story was pulled into the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker, so it won't be updated for another seventy years."
"I'm a lurker. Starfleet protocols forbid me from writing fanfiction."
"I've been possessed by an evil pagh wraith, so now I only write C/7."
"I have mindmelded with Ensign Vorik, so I now believe T/7 to be illogical."
"My computer was assimilated by the Borg, so now my slash story looks like ten billion others."
"My typing is a lot slower. I'm writing an NC-17 scene so one hand is always between my legs."
"A virus scrambled my story. It now has B'Elanna declaring her love for a warp plasma conduit."
"My new boss is a beautiful, blue-eyed voluptuous blonde who's obsessed with perfection. All my creative efforts have been directed towards getting her into bed."
"The evil Kes from 'Fury' hurled me back into Voyager's first season, so I can't write T/7 for another three years."
"I saw a re-run of 'Human Error'. I am currently going through the Five Stages of Grief."
"I'm stuck in a temporal loop, so I am always thinking it's only five seconds after I last posted."
"I'm scanning for my story with an anti-proton beam. It has cloaked."
"I'm busy demonstrating against the dumping of theta radiation in my neighbourhood."
"My server went down, so I decided to send my next update by shuttle. It crashed."
"I've drunk too much coffee during late night study sessions. I'm now hallucinating that I'm Captain Janeway. I want Seven of Nine for myself!"
"I'm busy planning a coup at Paramount."
"I'm in prison. During bat'leth practice I accidentally cut my roommate in half."
"Do you expect me to believe all that rubbish?" spluttered Googooplex. "You're a bunch of lazy bums, that's the truth of it! To think that while I was lazing around, sunning my bum on the beach this list was in the hands of YOU lot..."
"Captain, I'm reading an increase in hormonal levels in the mess hall," said RalSt's trusty bridge assistant, Naomi Wyldchilde. "There's something happening there that might satisfy this...creature."
"On screen," ordered Captain RalSt, adopting a dramatic pose.
"I know that I am in love with you, B'Elanna. I want to learn how to express that love to you, if you would let me." Seven hoped that her voice didn't tremble. She wanted to sound sure and confident.
B'Elanna put her drink down carefully, before she dropped it. She wasn't prepared for Seven's declaration even though her heart had leapt at the words from the ex-drone. She blew out a breath she hadn't realised she was holding and tipped her head up to look at Seven.
"You know that you're in love with me. Is that right?" There was amused sarcasm in her tone. There was no way Seven was getting off easy.
"Indeed." Seven knew that if her love was going to be rejected, B'Elanna would do it immediately and not string her along.
B'Elanna turned back to her breakfast.
"OK, dinner at 2000 hours. I'll be there." Her attitude was clearly dismissive, but Seven wasn't having any of it.
Even though she was still quaking inside, this was something the ex-drone had dreamt of doing for the longest time.
She slid her hand beneath the Klingon's waistband and into the thick mane of dark pubic hair. Grabbing a handful of the silken locks, she captured the lips of B'Elanna's pussy, rubbing them between her thumb and forefinger. Seven smiled as she heard the Klingon catch her breath in a decidedly unwarrior-like whimper. Ignoring the shocked gaze of thirty-seven crewmembers and the High Priest of the Holy Interstellar Church of Rivalli IV to whom Voyager was giving passage across the Benin Expanse, Seven slowly and tenderly pulled down B'Elanna's trousers, bending her head to suck softly on the full swollen ^%$. "Oh Seven, I never thought it could be like this," B'Elanna moaned, using her hands to caress Seven's enormous pair of Ð#!^. She eagerly ^#!& @&^* tasting her love juices *&%*#% ĕ&@#$# %@#%$% "Is this some form of Federation performance art?" asked the High Priest as Seven *&>% @#^ her *&%*#% "Holy Mother of Kahless Seven! I didn't know the Borg implanted you with a +Æ%@!" biting down on the *&%# and her *&% of a thunderous orgasm *^^$ nibbling on the long, dun-coloured (that's coloured with a U) nipples #^)# once more stroking B'Elanna's @#(/ until *&%*#% @#$^ %@#%$% "CDS didn't have us doing THIS with the chocolate syrup!" ^%$ boldly @*#ing where no man had gone before. "Do you want more cream?" asked Neelix #$%^ &7!!#%# "That is not an efficient use of a cucumber Lieutenant Torres," said Seven as she used her ocular implant to @*# !!#K%&^ lost in the depths of her blue-grey eyes %$&%!! @*^^$ precise calibration of her manifolds achieved the effect they wanted as (%(*# "Yes, yes, YES!" she cried as her #%#Ð¯Æ placing a big, red cherry on top.
Seven of Nine calmly zipped up her biosuit.
"Dinner is at 1930 hours, do not be late," she commanded. "Wear something black, lacy and edible." The former drone walked off, leaving a stunned B'Elanna lying naked and ravished on the table, a smile on her face that even the Doctor, with his combined medical knowledge of over 3000 cultures, was unable to remove.
Cue voice of Majel Barrett: "Next week on Star Trek: Voq Je Bang..."
CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC.
"Captain's log. I've just drunk my eleven millionth cup of coffee..."
CUT TO:
"I don't care how perfect you THINK you are Seven," said B'Elanna angrily. "It's impossible for us to have perfectly-timed simultaneous orgasms!"
CUT TO:
Despite being in total vacuum the shuttle exploded with a thunderous roar.
CUT TO:
"It is a weapon more powerful than anything previously encountered," said Tuvok, reaching into his pants.
CUT TO:
"There's nothing more I can do," said the Doctor grimly. "The alien virus is gradually replacing the DNA in Commander Chakotay's face with wood fibre."
CUT TO:
Slinging B'Elanna's unconscious body over her shoulder, Seven climbed the ladder to the next level to escape the slowly rising flood of technobabble.
CUT TO:
"Pleased to meet you!" Harry said, grabbing the alien's appendage and shaking it enthusiastically. "I'm Ensign Kim of the United Federation of Pla__"
"Get your hands off my penis, human!"
Captain RalSt turned to the viewscreen, put her hands on her hips to give Googooplex the grossest insult in the Tak Tak language imaginable and said, "Well?"
"Well I suppose that will do...for now," muttered the furry alien. "I've got to go watch the US Open, but I'll expect more when I get back!"
"Excellent," said RalSt. "I'm so glad. It's the Starfleet way to engage in mutual dialogue and understanding with other species." She turned to Lieutenant Commander H.W.
"H.W., fire a full spread of photon torpedoes."
"The target, Captain?"
"Googooplex's %#Ð!"

THE END.
- 1
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No Ordinary Spoof	By : Odon Category: Star Trek > Voyager Views: 1635 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: See full disclaimer below.

No Ordinary Spoof