Spider Dan

Spider Dan

 

“Tell me again why we’re here, Humphrey!” A very annoyed Blair hisses, as she looks disgusted at every corner of that room. 

“Because one of the characters of my new novel is a poet and somewhere here there’s a box with all the poems I used to write in seventh grade that could help.” Dan explains to her once more.

“Okay. But why am I here with you?”

“Because you’re my lovely girlfriend who supports me in everything I do?” He tries to push his luck.

“Well, I’d prefer to support you from the living room in your loft, rather than this place forgotten by God!” She complains, with a flawless Drama Queen attitude.

Dan rolls his eyes.

“Exaggerate much? It’s an attic. Have you ever seen one?”

“Sure I did. Clean. Tidy. Suitable for living humans. And this one doesn’t belong to this category!” She glares at him.

“Okay, maybe it’s a little messy, but…”

“A little?! I’ve lost count of the cobwebs surrounding us, the dust is so thick it could be a wall on its own; and I’m so close to coughing all my lungs out!”

“Keep your lungs at bay, Blair. I swear it won’t take long…”

“I mean, Dan, when is it the last time someone bothered to clean this attic?”

Dan sighs and takes a moment before answering.

“My mom used to do that.”

Blair brings a hand to her mouth.

“Oh.”

No one can understand him better than Blair.

She knows what it feels like to have a parent who left his family, because he chose to be someone else.
 

-Of course, although I still dearly love my Dad and I always will, despite that; something has been broken. Things changed forever and won’t come back to be the way they used to be. And probably Dan must feel the same about his mother, although he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it much… - Blair ponders.

“Yeah. So, forgive my father if he doesn’t feel like coming here much often since she took all her stuff away. And neither are me or Jenny very keen on coming here; unless we desperately need something, like I do now.”

Blair holds Dan’s hand and caresses his face.

It’s her way to comfort him, without using words.

“Well, I guess I’ll send a whole Cleaning Service here.” She informs him, after that moment of silence. “See it as a gift from your lovely and supportive girlfriend.”

Dan chuckles.

“Thank you, my love.” He smiles at her, taking a step closer.

“Back off, Humphrey, there’s no way we’re going to kiss here!” She points out, making him chuckle again. “Save your energy for your research. The shorter it takes you to find what you’re looking for, the better!”

Dan follows her advice and after a bunch of minutes he triumphally draws out a big white cardboard box.

Well former white, now it looks more like dark grey.

“Here they are, all my little creations!” Dan cheers, flipping through all the notepads.

Lifting and placing them on the dusty floor, he doesn’t notice a black spider that moved across the edge of the box, but Blair does.

“It’s like going back in time.” Dan sighs happily, ready to leave for his nostalgia trip, as he sits on the floor, opening one of the notepads on his lap.

“Well, back to those days you didn’t know me yet. Was it really a good time?” She pouts, crossing her arms.

“Well, Blair, if you think about it, it’s not that our first meeting has been idyllic. Basically, we hated each other.”

“But with passion!” She strikes back, making him smile, as she stares at the box, once more.

Meanwhile, the spider has jumped off the box, approaching Dan's shoes and climbing its way on his blue jeans.

Dan is just too engrossed in reading his memories to mind anything else.

“Honey, do you really want to read all this stuff here? I don’t think it’s a wise idea…” Blair mutters, as she observes how the spider has already reached the right side of his sweater.

Dan barely seems to hear her.

“You know, I don’t know if I was too harsh with myself, back to those days, or if I'm too self-indulgent now; because, damn, this is so good. Just what I needed for my character.” Dan babbles, his eyes never leaving the page.

“And what is that poem about?” Blair asks him, as the spider is climbing on his right shoulder.

This time Dan, or at least his ego, hears her words.

“The urge of belonging somewhere… and death.”

“Yay, sounds like a party!” Blair displays her witty sarcasm.

 "I admit I wasn’t the most cheerful kid in the world.” He grumbles, feeling a little awkward.

The spider puts a little effort to jump on Dan’s head, as light as a feather.

Blair decides she can’t keep that secret any longer.

“I don’t know about the full poem, but the spider on your head almost seems to read it with interest.”

Dan turns pale instantly.

“A what on my what?!” He tries to keep it cool as he remains still, utterly terrified.

“Relax, honey, I said a spider, not a snake! Trust me, you can move…”

But Dan is not listening at her anymore, keeping still, with his eyes closed, as he fights the urge to cry.

“Take it off, take it off, take it oooooffff, TAKETHISFUCKINGTHINGOFFME!” He freaks out.

Blair grabs a ruler placed on a shelf and brings it to Dan’s head, waiting for the spider to climb on it.

“That’s it, little spider, come here, you’re not very appreciated where you are now.” She invites the arachnid with an unusual sugary voice.

She doesn’t have to wait for long and as soon as he’s free from that plague, Dan gets up and runs away, as fast as he can.

“Dan?” She uselessly calls him out, frowning.

Once she reaches him in the living room, there’s a bucket on fire and a pile of clothes Dan keeps adding.

The very same clothes he was wearing a few minutes before, for the record.

“Humphrey! What the hell are you doing?” She snaps.

“The only thing that makes sense!” Dan strikes back, taking off even his boxers -the only item he still wore- and throwing them into the flames.

After all, they are alone in the loft.

“Exaggerate much?” She quotes his previous words.

“It’s the first point of my procedure list.” Dan retorts, wearing his bathrobe. “By the way, where’s that monster now?”

“Monster?! It was just a little thing, all puffy, black with funny, fat, furry legs…”

“Geez, stop it! I don’t even want  to know what that damn thing looked like, I just need to be sure it’s gone.”

“Daniel Randolph Humphrey, do you have an issue with spiders?”

“Issue is not the right definition. They scare the hell out of me, every kind of spider!” He points out, still visibly shocked.

“So, haven’t Rufus taught you not to be afraid of them, when you were a kid? That’s what my Dad did, when we used to have glamping in the South of France.”

“Actually my Dad would have yelled his head off much more than me!”

Blair rolls her eyes.

“So, it must be something that runs in the family.”

“Actually, Jenny and Mom are the brave ones.” He mutters, feeling even more embarrassed.

“So, what about the Halloween Party? There were giant, scary spiders everywhere!” Blair points out.

“Fake giant, scary, spiders, honey. Believe me or not, but I can tolerate them.” He smirks.

“However, I’m afraid to ask you about the other points.” Blair grumbles as she stares at the bucket. “All this fuss just because a little spider climbed on your clothes…”

Dan gulps.

“Wait. What? I thought he had jumped on my head from the ceiling.”

“Nope… He enjoyed the little ride from your shoes to your head.” Blair explains, then frowns. “Wait. I thought that was the reason why you are burning your clothes!”

“Nope. I’ve burned them, because those clothes would remind me of that moment for my whole life. And now I have a reason more.” He grumbles, throwing in the bucket his shoes, as well.

“Seriously, you got a problem." She snorts. “Well, why am I even complaining? Those clothes were so awful!”

“That’s the Blair I love and cherish.” He kisses her temple. “Now I’ll have a shower.”

“Can I join you?” Blair asks him, all coquettish, as she rolls a lock of her hair around her index.

“Tempting, but… nope. Sorry, Blair, but I need some time alone. It’s a trauma I still have to work through.” Dan declines that sexy offer.

Much to her disappointment.

“Oh, yeah, such a devastating trauma, do you want me to get you some therapy?”

“Blair, I’m serious!”

“Nope, you’re pathetic!” She strikes back and he walks away, rather insulted.

The shower seemed to help a lot and when Dan is back, all dried and dressed up, he seems a lot more cheerful, especially when he notices the pile of his old notepads on the coffee table.

“I thought it would be nice to go back to that dusty attic and pick up what you abandoned in such a hurry.” Blair explains to him. “And, before you ask, no spiders inside, I checked them, page by page.”

Dan approaches her, giving a peck on her lips.

“You really are the most lovely and supportive girlfriend ever.”

She smiles, all pleased, but not anymore when she sees him wear his black coat.

“So, are you not going to sit down here and enjoy your trip down memory lane?” She inquires.

“Of course I will, but later.”

Blair narrows her eyes.
She has a second sight that alerts her.

“Why? Where are you going now?”

“Third point of the list of my procedure.” Dan answers, wearing his scarf as well. “What if that horrible thing laid her eggs among my hair? I have to shave them all.”

“YOU WHAT?!” Blair roars.

“There’s a barber shop not far from here. You can wait for me here, I promise it won’t take me long.”

In record time, Blair wears her black and white Chanel coat, grabs her Dior lady Dior black bag and rushes towards him.

“There’s no way you’re going to do this without me.” She links her arm to his. “No, wait, let me reformulate: there's no fucking way you’re going to do this!”

“It’s my hair, Blair, I’m free to decide whatever I want to do with them.”

“Au contraire, mon amour : your hair belongs to me the moment you and I have become an ‘us’!”

Dan smiles, bringing the back of his hand to her cheek.

“Mm. Sweet.” He kisses her for a long time, before parting. “But it won’t make me change my mind. And not even your French is gonna work!” 

Dan drags a very reluctant Blair to the barber shop.

“Hello, Jimmy, how are you? Are you busy?” He friendly greets the barber

“Hi Dan, you know I can always find some time for you.” 

Blair stares at him.

He doesn’t look much older than Dan, probably nothing more than 7-8 years.
He has such a punk attitude,  his T-shirt of Ramones suggests, not to mention his tattooed arms, his skull earrings and his mohawk haircut,  with very stylish mustaches and beard.

- Geez, Brooklyn people is so picturesque!- She muses.

Jimmy smiles at Dan, as he cleans his shaving brush. “Oh, I see you’re not alone. Who is this pretty lady? Oh, wait. Is she who I think she is?” He grins towards Dan.

“Yep. Jimmy, meet my girlfriend, Blair. Blair, meet Jimmy.” Dan introduces them, all proud.

“Huh, did you talk to him about me?” She asks her boyfriend, sort of flattered.

“Well, Blair, Jimmy is the barber who gave me back a decent look after that big crisis in our relationship, some months ago.” Dan confesses. “So yeah, I’ve talked to him about you since then.”

“Yep, and I’m so glad you’re still together!” Jimmy grins at her.

“Well, that’s nice from you, Jimmy, but let’s say I would have preferred to meet you,  in a less sad circumstance.” Blair grumbles.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Blair, are you grieving?” Jimmy sounds very concerned.

“Not yet, but I’m about to.” Is her enigmatic answer.

Jimmy decides not to  mind that.

“Come here, my boy.” He invites Dan to the armchair. “I guess you just want the usual, right? Perfectly shaved face and little trimming to your curls?”

Dan shakes his head negatively.

“Nope, no trimming, this time. Shave it all, Jimmy.” He orders, shocking his barber friend. “And since I have just washed my hair, you can already start.”

Sitting on the armchair next to him, Blair is a powerless witness as Jimmy wraps the towel around Dan’s neck, but when he switches on the electric razor, she can’t hold back anymore.

“I’ll give you one thousand bucks, Jimmy, if you stop it now!” She yells and, of course, it works.

Too bad that she has such a stubborn boyfriend.

“I’ll give you two thousand bucks if you go on!”

“Humphrey, don’t you start a challenge you already know you’ll never win, because I’m not going to stop at any cost. Literally!”

Dan snorts.

“Okay, Blair, if I can’t get what I need here, it doesn’t mean I can’t get it anywhere else.”

Blair sneers, drawing her mobile out.

“Just how, honey? It’s way too easy for me to unleash Jessica, Kati, Isabel and the rest of my minions and make them wander to every possible barber shop in Brooklyn, Williamsburg, Bed Stuy and New York, giving them a photo of you to prevent them from accepting you in their shops… as our dear friend Jimmy here will hold you hostage until they’re done with their mission."

“I’ll do… what?!” Jimmy stares at her, puzzled.

All of the sudden, an idea comes to her. An idea that could work.

“That’s it. I know what to do! I'll be back in a while.” She gets up, rushing towards the exit, but she turns to the barber one last time. “Just do me a favour, Jimmy: keep Dan here, at bay, just shave his face, but nothing else and don’t dare listen to him: whichever offers he makes to you, I’m going to double it. This is your lucky day.”

And then she’s gone, leaving the barber dumbfounded.

“Dan, my boy, are you two always like that?”

Dan shrugs.

“Trust me, Jimmy, this is one of our quiet days!”

---------------------------------------

Blair has been true to her word and she’s back after a little more than half an hour.

“I knew that Bloomingdale’s would have the answer to everything!” She cheers, drawing out some mysterious bottle.

“What is this?” Dan narrows his eyes.

“An extremely efficient tea tree oil shampoo. The worst enemy of parasites and such like.”

“See, Dan? There’s no need to totally shave your head to… err, get rid of the spider’s eggs!” Jimmy grumbles with a dovish tone.

The one you use to play along with weirdos.

“Oh, so did Dan tell you about that, too?”

“You know, Blair, you gave us so much time to talk, since you trapped me here!” Dan grumbles, still annoyed.

“Right. By the way. How much did Dan offer you so far?” Blair gets curious.

“Ten grand.”

Blair draws out her chequebook and a pen.

“Here. Twenty grand for you to thank you for not shaving his head. I’ve registered it in the salon’s name I googled before. Hope you won’t mind.”

Jimmy almost passes out when he sees the signed cheque.

“Oh my god, you weren’t joking!”

“I never joke about important stuff.” She states.

“So… is that shampoo gonna work for real?” Dan asks, still a bit skeptical.

Jimmy nods.

“Yep, better than any shave.”

“Okay, so I’ll try it… as long as Blair shampoos me.” Dan decides.

Blair glares at him.

“So, Humphrey, are you really saying I’ve just paid twenty thousand dollars for a service that Jimmy won’t even provide?”

Dan glares at her.

“Nope, Waldorf, I’m just saying that, if you care about my hair so damn much, just prove it to me.” He challenges her.

“Jimmy, would you be so kind as to let me use your wash basin and give me some disposable gloves?”

“After the cheque you gave me, I guess you’re free to use the whole salon as you please!” Jimmy babbles, giving her what she asked.

She takes off her coat.

“Uhm, wait, I guess my Saint Laurent shirt is not ready for this, do you also have an hairdress blouse or something?” She asks, as she undoes the ribbon around the neck and rolls up the sleeves of her shirt.

“You’re lucky, because I have an assistant and she is the same size as you.” He smiles, handing her the blouse.

Once she also has the black nitrile gloves on, she walks at the basin.

“Come here, Dan, it’s time for the treatment!” 

Dan reaches her, as he stares at her, dazed.

- Why is she so damn sexy with this outfit? Why does it unleash some unspeakable fantasies in my mind? And mostly why the hell aren’t we alone?-

Almost as if Jimmy had read his mind, he approaches to the exit.

“Well, I guess I’ll smoke a cigarette or two, outside, call me if you need anything!”

- No, Dan, behave: you’re not having sex with your girlfriend in a barber salon. Just act as a customer!- He sets himself.

He sits, tilts his head back and utterly relies on her.

Blair adjusts the water and starts wetting Dan’s hair with the handheld shower head.

“Is the water okay, honey? I can’t feel anything with these things on.”

“It’s heavenly, love.” He purrs, with his eyes closed.

And when she adds the shampoo it’s an even better sensation for both of them.

Blair massages his curls and scalp with such a delicate touch, but determined at the same time.

Dan finds that so relaxing he could almost fall asleep, if only that didn’t turn him on so badly.

“You know, Dan? I really love your outrageous, messy, Muppet hair!” She murmurs as she keeps massaging it.

Contrary to their pessimistic predictions, that foaming and moisturizing shampoo doesn’t smell like a medicinal, but has a soft, lemony smell that inebriates them both.

Probably that’s why she bends over him until she can kiss him, upside down.
Hard to believe, but they manage to quit right before Jimmy gets back.

“I know. You should shampoo me more often. And… Can I do the same to you?” Dan asks her, when they part.

Blair pulls his hair on purpose.

“Ouch!”

“Well, Humphrey, first bring your Brooklynite ass to a Jean Paul David hair salon, study for at least one year and then we can talk about it!”

“Okay, your hair is off-limits. Got it. Now could you please rinse my hair?”

“I don’t know, I must leave the product on for at least ten minutes.” She reads the instructions on the bottle of shampoo.

 “Don’t forget our previous kiss.” Dan chuckles.

“Uh, right, it lasted at least ten minutes, if not more.” She recalls, pleased, opening the faucet again.

Even the rinsing is a pleasant experience for both.

Jimmy hands Blair the towel she uses to wrap Dan’s head, rubbing it softly.

“He’s all yours for the final phases.” She pushes Dan towards Jimmy, before taking off the gloves and the blouse.

--------------------------  

Once they’re back to the loft, Dan and Blair rushes to his bedroom.

“See? This is a shirt I love. It would be such a pity to see it ending inside that bucket.” She murmurs, playing with the collar of his burgundy shirt before unbuttoning it. “But I’ll like it even better once it's on the floor!”

“Next Halloween, promise me you’ll dress as a sexy hairdresser. And don’t forget the gloves.” He moans as he’s laying down on the mattress and she’s already on top of him, her hands sinking in those curls she’s so fond of.

“Why should we wait until next Halloween?" She smirks, as she unbuttons his jeans.

“That’s the Blair I love!” He grins, switching roles and dealing with her expensive  mustard-colored shirt.

“You know what, Dan? I almost repent not filming as you were freaking out in that attic…” She chuckles as he takes off her skirt.

“To be honest, I was afraid you did.” He admits as she caresses his boxers.

“I wish I could, so I could have sent it to Gossip Girl… Oh wait, I forgot it’s you; you would have never posted a blast about it.”

Dan parts from her and sits down on the bed.

“Hello? Do you recall how many times Gossip Girl turned Lonely Boy into a laughing stock? I’ve already told you, Blair: I’ve never made any concessions, to anyone, let alone myself. ”

“I know, but…” She bites her lips.

“I’ll tell you what, if you had that video and sent it to Gossip Girl, that’s what she would have made of it.” He goes on, before making his voice perkier: “ ‘‘Spotted: Lonely Boy in Brooklyn, making a fuss over a tiny, innocent, little spider. If legends are true and he has been bitten, maybe we will have a new super hero around. I just hope Spider Dan gained the power of writing in a more incisive way. Deep INSIDE, you know I’m right. XOXO’” 

“I’m astonished by how mean you can be towards yourself sometimes…” She murmurs, sort of concerned.

“This must be some leftovers since I tweeted from the @IhateDanHumphrey account…” Dan grumbles.

“What?!” She frowns.

“Never mind.” He shrugs. “So… What about resuming what we were doing…”

Blair pushes him down and straddles him again.

“Now your talking makes sense!”

--------------

After making intense and wild love, Blair and Dan rest on the mattress, worn off, but satisfied.

“Who knows, Blair? Maybe I’m Spider Dan for real: I’ve trapped you in the cobweb of my heart.”

Blair giggles.

“This is so gross and sweet at the same time!”

Then she rolls to his side, to give him a peck on his lips.

“You know what, Spider Dan?” She murmurs as her fingers draw circles on his chest.

“Tell me, Blairy Jane.” He makes her smile, as he caresses her bare thigh.

“The more we talk about this, the more I feel like recreating the iconic upside down kiss!”

--

THE END