Doctor Who: A Criminal Conspiracy

BY : Wendell Urth
Category: 1 through F > Doctor Who
Dragon prints: 176
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Doctor Who and any & all associated characters belong to their respective creators and owners, not me. I receive no compensation whatsoever for this story.

Disclaimer: Doctor Who and any and all associated characters belong to their respective creators and owners, not me. I receive no compensation whatsoever for this story.

Doctor Who: A Criminal Conspiracy

Everything you’ve ever seen, heard or read about The Doctor is a lie in furtherance of criminal conspiracy.

Let’s begin with Irving Braxitel, Cardinal Irving Braxitel, High Chancellor and former Lord President Irving Braxitel of Gallifrey, owner of the largest private art collection in the universe.

Yes, lets begin with him. Due to his duties, he almost never leaves Gallifrey. He has many enemies who would love for him to leave the protection of the Chancellery Guards, and frankly he disdains the company of most aliens. “They’re just so… alien, don’cha know?!?”

How then did he amass such a huge and varied collection from all of time and space?

Braxitel is the older brother (and senior partner in crime) of the Time Lord known as The Doctor, infamous rebel and outcast. The Doctor is, in fact, the advance man for his brother’s criminal enterprise.

The Doctor has a reputation for showing up where he is most needed. Planet about to be conquered? The Doctor is there fighting the good fight for the government. Evil, oppressive dictator? The Doctor shows up on the eve of the revolution to rally the oppressed. Planet about to be taken over by the forces of chaos, here comes the Doctor.

If the Doctor were really an outcast and pariah to Gallifrey society, how would he know ‘when and where’ to offer his services? He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. However, Cardinal Braxitel does had full access to the Matrix of Gallifrey. Thus, The Doctor receives advance knowledge of which side is going to win, which side to offer his indisputable services to, but at their lowest moment in the struggle. In short, he knows which side will be most grateful in the end.

Sometimes, the struggle is in doubt, even to The Matrix. Not a problem. The Doctor offers his help to both sides, works for and against them both and waits for them to sort it out. In the end, whichever side wins is eternally grateful. Well, more like momentarily grateful. Until the bill comes due.

“Oh Doctor. How can we ever thank you?”

“Well… I wouldn’t like to say. I have a reputation, you know? It’s just that…

“Errr, yes?”

“Its just that there are so many people, SO MANY PEOPLE I COULD HELP… If I just… just…”


“Great, 20 minutes in the Royal Museum Of Tatros, Belios and Ghul. Love-me the Ghul Museum. Ta-ta, cya later.

“But, uh… Doctor? Doctor! Where did he go?”

In many cases he doesn’t even deal with the authorities. So easy to slip a Tardis in during the fighting and pick up the choicest pieces. You might even say he is saving those pieces from destruction. Well, he’s saving them for Posterity. Posterity is Irving’s middle name.

Several planets have wised-up over the millennia, wouldn’t let the Doctor within a parsec… like Spiridon, Mondas… Oh wait… they no longer exist or were conquered… funny about that! Well, Daleks, Cybermen & Sontaran dont have much appreciation for art, anyway. They'd never miss a few hundred pieces.

Anyway, how do you think The Doctor pays for the fancy custom upgrades to what is supposed to be an outdated, antiquated, busted-ass Tardis with a "knackered navigation system" (which he admits is the most powerful Time-Space Machine in the cosmos)? Do you really believe the Tardis upgrades ITSELF every few years?

Really? You believe that? Great, I have some timeshares in The Deadzone that you might be interested in…

Cardinal Braxitel also has full access to The Universal Pantograph. It is no problem to run off 15 or so identical, undetectable copies of the items The Doctor procures for him. In every sense they are identical to the original (except for a tendency to disintegrate explosively after a few short centuries. But really… how long can you look at a piece of art?)

The Cardinal then lets it be known he has added bits & bobs to his private collection. The Doctor then takes the copies and flogs them to the rich and powerful across time & space, so far apart that no question of duplicates and forgeries should ever be asked or noticed.

Mistakes can be costly. Dangerous. After securing the Karabraxos Collection moments before a solar flare struck, three identical copies of the fabled “Red Toy Rocket Ship 2013” eventually ended up in the Delirium Archive. An earlier incarnation of The Doctor had to make a quick raid to prevent the curators from discovering the deception. The Doctor also pocketed some other rare objects, but that’s another story.


Why does The Doctor spend so much time on Planet Earth?

Planet Earth has no treaties with the Galactic Federation or any Treaty Power and resists any impulse to join. It allows no Alien Embassies or Trade Delegations. So, the Earth is an excellent place to hide Galactic assets. There is no criminal extradition or seizure of property. No Customs Inspections of space craft, no excise taxes, no import duties. In short, the entire planet is a Galactic Safe Haven for the criminally minded.

The entire planet is a money launderer’s dream.

Really, why else was Earth invaded so many times unsuccessfully? The truth is, the criminal elements of the galaxy (including ‘The High Council of Gallifrey’) want to maintain a “hands off policy”. They know a good thing when they see it. In recent years an Orange Apocalypse Troll and his Slitheen handlers Jared & Ivanka Passameer-Day Slitheen were installed as the chief political dynasty of the leading nation state of the planet. No coincidence.

Every time line where Earth joined the Galactic Federation of Worlds or became part of an empire has been conveniently overwritten. The Earth is maintained, now and forever as a haven for criminal activity and tax evaders.


Why does the Doctor travel so often with human women? How is the Doctor able to get away with his crimes when travelling off Earth?

Much of it has to do with Galactic law.

President Braxitel was able to pass a loophole in Galactic law that the Gallifreyan spouse of an alien can only be detained, arrested or tried on the basis of the laws of the spouse’s home planet. (I won’t bore you with the details. Braxitel’s representative/bagman Alpha Centaurai was especially generous during the legislative sessions.)

Cardinal Braxitel then altered the Gallifreyan marriage ceremony so that the presentation of a Tardis key was the equivalent of a legal marriage. (The spouse does not even need to know about it, consent is assumed by key acceptance). A quickie divorce is automatic with the return or destruction of the key.

Alimony is not a Gallifreyan concept.

It’s all very legal and highly suspect.


Personal note:
I do have concerns about writing this story. I’m presenting it as fiction. After all, if Irving Braxitel is the criminal mastermind I have described… well, there is a mythical Time Lord device called the Oubliette of Eternity.

However, there is no evidence that such a device ever……………………………………………………………

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