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Stranger In A Strange Land	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2721 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Stranger In A Strange Land
Part
Eleven
I sighed. "Well, I suppose there's absolutely no point in just sitting here. Pruned skin never solved anything. Somebody hand me a towel, huh?"

Ares held out his hand, and a big bath sheet appeared. He spread it between his hands. "Come on."

I scrunched down. "You gotta be kidding."

He rolled his eyes. "Look, contrary to rumors, I'm really not that much of an exhibitionist. Now, you were worrying about your skin wrinkling? Get out of there, or I promise that I'll find a very interesting way to iron you out."

Considering the fact that I was just a weeny bit sore at the moment, I figured that I might better co-operate, so I stood up. He wrapped me up, then, to my relief, patted me on the butt and pushed me away. He materialized another sheet aeld eld it out. "You next, Joxer."

"Oh. Um..."

One eyebrow went up. "Don't make me come in there after you."

Jayce prodded Joxer. "Yoxie, please. He's hwearing boots." He shifted. "And hit's hard to avoid important bits in a confined space like this."

Joxer stood up and stepped out of the tub, walking to Ares to be towel-wrapped. Ares just stood there, staring at Joxer, getting a very thoughtful look on his face.

Strife came in and took the opportunity to push the towel I was using on my hair down over my face. I lifted it again and stuck my tongue out at him. "Brat."

He grinned. "Ya love me anyways." He looked over. "Um, why's Unc doin' a Gorgon victim immitation? He's just standin an' starin."

"Check out what he's staring at."

Strife looked. "Damn! Who'da thought he had that under that shit he calls armor?"

"Legions of fans."

"Huh?"

"You wouldn't understand." I raised my voice. "Ares, I know that a wet, naked Joxer is a very good thing, but he's a wet, naked, shivering Joxer."

"Oh. Yes." Ares finished wrapping Joxer in the bath sheet. However, he failed to drop his arms once he was done. Instead he sort of moved his hands up and down Joxer's back. Looks were exchanged amongst everyone present.

"Say, Ares," I said, "I can teach him how to dry his own back, if you let him go."

Joxer was staring up into Ares's eyes. He murmured, "That sounds fascinating."

More looks all around. "I know I've always enjoyed it," I commented.

"A-hem!" No one can a-hem like a... well, whatever Jayce is. Even Ares broke significant eye contact to look back at the tub. Jayce said, "Hyou know, chur studliness, hit's husually a good hidea to be polite to potential in-laws."

Jett was grinning. "Translation: What? No towels for us?" Ares squinted, and a towel appeared over the head of each triplet left in the bath, dropping down over their faces. "Hey! Kind of abrupt there."

"So don't tip me when you get out," he said shortly. But he let go of Joxer (a bit reluctantly, I thought). "Get dressed, you two. I don't want my future consorts roaming around undraped unless ~I~ decide on it."

My eyes narrowed. "If ever I heard an incentive to go streaking..."

Jett was climbing out of the tub now. "I'm not sure exactly what streaking is..."

Jayce was climbing out, too. "Has to do with hair, Yett," he informed him. "But hyou have to be careful. Hif clumclump, hyou look like a skonk."

"As I was saying, I don't know what it means, but it sounds promissing." He smiled at Ares. "Forbid her again." I located a bar of soap and threw it at him.

"Enough of this," Ares sighed.

We were dressed suddenly. I must say that Joxer's leather pants were significantly tighter than the original ones had been, and he was wearing a leather vest, something like the ones Ares sometimes favored. The effect wasn't quite the same, given his more slender build and smoother body type, but hey, it still made for a nice view.

I heard a wolf whistle from Jett, and looked down at myself. "Oh, no fucking way! I don't do see-through."

Ares looked smug. "Well, you don't really have much choice in the matter."

"Ya think?" I looked at Joxer. "Gimme the vest." He hesitated. "C'mon, Joxer. My secondary sexual characteristics are getting cold."

Ares threw up his hands. "Tartarus!" The drapey dress thing I was wearing was suddenly a lot thicker. More like jersey than tissue. "Happy?"

"Better. But you might have waited till I'd dried off." I was trying to peel the damp material away from my skin.

"Oo!" Strife rushed over and got real close for a better look. In fact, his face was about two inches from my bosom.

I put my palm against his forehead and pushed him back. "I'm not hiding the se of of the universe in my cleavage."

"I just had a great idea," he said excitedly. "Wet toga contests! Can ya imagine what kinda trouble I could stir up in tha taverns with those?"

"We can plan the reception entertainment later, Strife," Ares dismissed him. He put an arm around Joxer and myself. "There's no point in discussing details till we get the whole thing officially approved, and the date set."

I jerked away. "Will you wait a minute? I thought we'd been over this ground before. I don't want to get married!"

"Yes, we have been over this before. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear." He got up in my face. "You--don't--have--a--choice."

I stared at him, then put a finger in the middle of his chest and pushed him back. "Ease off on the testosterone, Big Bad. I'm going to have to go stand next to Aphrodite just to be able to breathe."

Said Love Goddess was frowning. "Ares, I know you haven't done much dating or courting in your life, but gah! Blunt much? The only females who fall for that 'you man, me woman' bit aren't worth having."

Ares gave her a flat look. "Dite, I may be working on a time limit here. I don't have time for moonlight, roses, and stuffed animals." He gave me a challenging look. "Are you going to tell me that being married to Lord Ares, God of War, heir of Olympus, isn't an attractive position?"

"Considerin tha othah positions involved," Strife murmured.

Jayce fluttered over and laid a hand on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, "You gotta admit, chica, eets an hattractive package. Chu could hit him up for some serious goodies, hif you want to get materialistic about it." I stared at him, and he shrugged. "So I'm a material guy. I'm living in a material world."

"I wouldn't be. He'd probably keep my butt stuck on Olympus, and what would I do? Quilt with Hestia? Garden with Demeter? Write dirty stories with the Muses?" I paused, smiling. "Wait a minute..." I shook my head. "No. No internet to publish them."

Ares was obviously trying to control himself. It was a good look for him--dangerous. "Scribe, I keep trying to tell you. This is important. I have to get married, and soon. Otherwise there will be far reaching repercussions."

"Like what? The fall of civilization as we know it? The end of the world? Time runs backwards? The invention of telemarketing? The Twilight of the Gods?" His eyes shifted. "Oh, lord, not that plot device again!" I stomped my foot. "Every other fanfiction to come down the wire has prevention of the Twilight as the driving force behind everything. Couldn't just once have some huge, convoluted plot be set in motion by, oh, I don't know... the prevention of disco?" I looked at Jayce. "Actually, I love disco, but it's such an easy target."

"I have no idea what you're babbling about," growled Ares. "But I suppose things might be easier if I just explained this all to everyone at once. Then we'll see how you are at standing up to the pressure of the entire pantheon." He grabbed me around the waist and did the same for Joxer. "Official functions chamber, people. Ten minutes--no excuses."

Flash!

I hate that! There's a reason I stay off roller coasters, okay?

He let go, and Joxer and I sort of fell together, though he was doing most of the holding up. I was too busy trying to keep my last meal inside. Ares yelled, "Hermes! Now!"

Flash!1

The guy who'd unchained us earlier appeared. He took one look at Ares, paled, and said, "Um, about those chains... See, I knew they couldn't get off Olympus, and I was just going to let them get some exercise."

"Shut up. I don't have time to do anything creative right now. If you can get everyone here in ten minutes, I'll forego anything permanent."

zip

Damn, he left so fast that the...

Flash! Pop!

Argh! The flash and the pop of displaced air was delayed by a second or two. Man, he was in a hurry. And that flash and pop didn't help my digestion, either. Not to be too vulgar, I urped. Just a little bit of urp, not much more than your average baby might spit up, but then, how much does there have to be?

In a second I found myself sitting on a nice little sofa, wearing another clean dress, wiped clean, and having Ares hand me a cup of cool water while Joxer put a damp cloth on my forehead.

Hey. That kind of service is a pretty good argument for any situations. The usual reaction around the house is, "How sick are you? Not too? You didn't get it on the carpet, did you?"

Joxer sat be me, me, patting my hand as various gods and goddesses, most looking annoyed or confused, or both, began to pop in. Dite bounced over, wrinkled her nose, mialiialized an atomizer, and spritzed me with rose water.

Strife and Cupid were right behind her, along with the other two triplets. Strife assessed the situation, then said, "Whoopsies, huh?" I nodded. He nodded back at me. "Ya know, that got real bad fah me when I was preggers with Impetua. Say, dya think you...?"

"For heaven's sake, I've only done it once!" Joxer, Jett, and Jayce looked at each other, then at me. "Oh, okay. Just one session. I couldn't possibly have caught pregnant from... just... one..." I trailed off. "Oh, God. I'm channelling the spirit of a 1950s teenager! That's as bad as thinking that you can't get pregnant if you do it standing up."

Jett grinned wolfishly. "Speaking of which..."

"No, let's not speak of it," snapped Ares.

Joxer was gaping. "Scribe! Do you ly tly think you might be... be..." His face lit up. "I could be a daddy?"

Jayce drawled, "Hwell, chu have an uno-een-tres chance, Yoxie." He giggled. "Oo, I wouldn't mind a leetle chica." He shared a grin with Dite. "They're so much fun to dress." Her smile faded a little when he continued, "Of course, hit doesn't make that much difference if eet's a chico." He poked Jett. "No comment from chu, Beeg Brother?"

Jett shrugged. "I'm fine with it, either way. I don't have any kids," he smiled, "that I know of, anyway. I can't promise to do a lot of bonding stuff, but I make a good living, and I'd kick in for support." His smile grew feral, "And I believe that having me for a dad would insure that the kid had to deal with a lot less shit than some would."

"Yeah," I said, "Not too many people are stupid enough to mess with the kid of the King of Assassins."

Joxer was looking at Ares apprehensively. "You... you wouldn't mind, would you?"

Strife shrugged. "Unc makes a good step-dad. I speak from personal, if not official, experience."

While this exchange was going on, more people were appearing, and they were all milling around, muttering, eyeing our little group.

"Joxer!"

Everyone within hearing range flinched. Bliss had popped in with Cupid and Strife, and now he grabbed at Cupid, round-eyed. "Harpy!"

Cupid stroked his curls. "No, baby, not a harpy."

Bliss frowned. "Mommy?"

Strife had a laughing fit while a dismayingly familiar short, blonde figure shoved her way over to us. "Um, hi, Gabrielle," said Joxer.

"Don't you 'hi' me! We've been looking all over for you and that stray you picked up."

You know, I thought that writers were supposed to be observant. Why, then, didn't she notice the smolder that her attitude had started with Ares, Jett, and Jayce?

Xena came up behind her, a long-suffering look on her face. "Hi, Joxer--Scribe. We were pretty worried about you. You wlastlast seen going into Apollo's temple. That didn't bother me too much, since Apollo ususally just screws his pick-ups, then brings them back. But when I got to the temple, Ares' power signature was all over the place, and..." she shrugged. "Well, we knew you were running from him for some reason."

"Well, they're looking comfy-cozy now," snarked Gabrielle. "And I'm highly suspicious. After all, Hermes said it concerned her when he brought us here, and..."

"I must remember to thank Hermes for this," said Ares tightly. "I did not ask for you two."

"Get away from my Joxer, you brazen wench!"

Hercules was storming toward us, eyes blazing. Iolaus was trying to hold him back, but... Well, picture the Taco Bell Chihuahua trying to hold back a rabid Marmeduke.

I'm not a normally cowardly woman, but I have common sense. I jumped up and hid behind Ares, yelling, "Who drew up the guest list for this shindig?"

Ares rolled his eyes and waved his hand. Hercules came to an abrupt halt. So abrupt that Iolaus, who was dragging back on his vest, was sling-shotted into him, knocking him forward. Hercules was literally knocked out of his boots, ending up sprawled on the floor with Iolaus on top of him.

They looked cute like that.

Ares scowled. "Damn. I have to be more specific. I went for 'stick boots' instead of 'stick feet' or simply 'freeze'." He glanced at at me. "You see? You've got me distracted. We have to get married so I can get back on an even keel."

Hercules had scrambled up. His brief trip to the floor and my vacating of the sofa had switched his focus. He extended his arms toward Joxer. "Sugar dumpling! I've come to rescue you."

Joxer jumped up and joined me behind Ares. "I don't need to be rescued, Herk, honestly I don't!"

Jett put himself between Joxer and Hercules. "Back off, Musclehead. Joxer doesn't swing that way."

"Ummm..." Joxer hummed.

Jett glanced back at him, mildly surprised. "Really?" He smirked at me. "Ya coulda fooled me a little while ago." Ares was looking back over his shoulder at Joxer, and his expression was speculative, and kind of pleased. Jett's smirk grew. "Anyway, I think he has better prospects."

Hercules started forward again, and Ares waved his hand again. This time Hercules' feet stuck. I looked at Joxer. "You know, I've seen the same effect at a movie theater during an evening show when they had a kiddie matinee earlier. Nassssty."

"Has everyone arrived?" Ares looked around impatiently, counting heads.

I pointed. "Couple of big ol' chairs empty up there."

"Zeus and Hera won't be here till the last minute," he assured me. "Hera usually because she's busy, Zeus to impress us that he's too important to cater to just any summons."

"And I'm supposed to want that for a father-in-law?"

"You'll learn to ignore him--we all have."

Hades stalked over. He nodded to Iolaus and Jett--he had dealings with both of them. Iolaus had been in and out of the Underworld so many times that Hades sometimes complained that he might as well just set up a doorway on the far side of the Styx, to save Charon the trouble of ferrying him. Jett... Well, death was Jett's profession and avocation.

"Ares, what in Tartarus is so important that I get such a peremptory summons? I have streams of souls waiting to be sorted. There was a y fly flood to the south, which brought out a mass of poisonous serpents, and poisoned the water in that region. I'm really going to have to talk with Zeus about not setting up the rains when he's mad at Hera."

"This concerns all of us, Uncle," said Ares shortly. "We're just waiting for Father and Mother to arrive." He indicated a pretty young woman with masses of brown hair who was hurrying toward them with a light, determined step. "Why don't you visit with Persephone till they get here."

Hades' usually grim expression lit up as he started for his wife. I called, "No wandering off for snuggles!" All the gods and goddesses, and mortals and demi-gods for that matter, around me stared at me. I crossed my arms. "Look, I want to get this over with. That means not having to pause to track down a couple that's snuck off for a quickie. Speaking of which, Strife, get your hand off Cupid's behind."

"Crap."

There was a flash of silver light, and Hera appeared on her throne. Her sharp eyes sought out Ares. "Well, War, I hope that this is important. I have a nice little dancer at one of my temples who is having her first child, and she's very nervous."

Ares gave a slight bow. "I wouldn't have bothered you if it wasn't, Lady."

"Well?" Ares silently indicatee eme empty throne beside her. She gave it a jaundiced look. "Oh, for..." She sighed, then counted silently, 'One... two... three... four... five...'

Flash!

Gold sparklies, and a rather stout man with less hair and more white beard than was strictly attractive appeared in the empty throne.

Hera gave him an acid smile. "My, you're even more tardy than usual. Feeling a bit insecure, are we?"

He gave her what I'm sure was meant to be an imperious look. It came out as more 'petulant two-year-old'. "Why have I been so hastily and crassly summoned?" Oo. I'll give him points for the voice--boom, rumble, roll.

Ares started toward the thrones. He paused and gestured for Joxer and I to accompany him. We both shook our heads. He sighed.

Flash!

We were all three standing right before the thrones. I promptly decorated the floor again. A groan went up around the Pantheon. Well, mostly groans. Strife was giggling so hard that he had to lean against Cupid, the snot.

I looked at Ares. "It's your own fault. You already saw how that affects me."

Hera didn't seem fazed. Being the Goddess of Childbirth, she was used to seeing mortal women in all sorts of sad conditions. Usually, as long as her husband wasn't interested in them, she had no problem with them. Since Zeus had just watched me upchuck, I didn't have to worry about that at the moment. She materialized another wet cloth and a goblet of wine in Ares' hands, and he used them--wiping my face, then steadying my hand so I could sip the wine. I was beginning to feel a bit less hostile toward him. A man wins points for being willing to take care of you when you're sick.

When I was once again as in control of myself as I could get, she said calmly, "Now, then. I suppose we can assume that whatever we are here for involves these mortals."

Zeus, who'd finally quit wrinkling his nose, decided he'd better take over the situation. plaiplain now," he boomed. "What can be so grave that you call a general council?"

Ares seemed to gather himself. "I've had a prophecy from the Fates."

Another collective groan, this one much more heartfelt went up from the Pantheon. I could feel myself going pale. "What's wrong?" Joxer asked softly.

"I have a very bad feeling about this. Usually you can't get that kind of universal reaction from a group of people unless you mention..." I swallowed. "an IRS audit."

Joxer's eyes got round. "Torture?"

"Oh, yeah."
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Stranger In A Strange Land