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Stranger In A Strange Land	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2721 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
Stranger In A Strange Land
Part
Thirteen
Ares scowled--a new look for him. *much rolling of eyes* "I don't need anyone to fix me up."

Dite looked up from her scroll. "Hey!"

"C'mon, Dite. Look at your recent track record." Ares shoved Hercules as he tried to reach Joxer again. "Will you throw a bucket of water on that horndog? Wait!" Before anyone could do anything, Strife had materialized a bucket of water (quite cold, judging from the chips of ice) and dumped it over the hero. The next minute the two were in a mad chase that took them over the furniture--and some of the gods and goddesses, Strife laughing insanely the whole time.

Finally Heph and Iolaus managed to grab Hercules, while Cupid snagged Strife, muttering about not being able to take him anywhere. Joxer looked at Dite pleadingly. "Dite, would you please do something? You know how clumsy I am--I'm going to trip somewhere down the line, and..." Joxer blushed. "He... he's just not my type."

I leaned an elbow on his shoulder. "What is your type, hon?"

"Well... um..." His eyes flicked to Ares, and the blush approached strawberry levels. If it was possible, Ares looked even more arrogant.

Dite caught the look. She gave a smile that made Strife whistle in admiration. "I was trying to figure out something thouldouldn't be too uncomfortable for Herc, but if you need fast and dirty... Stand back!" Heph and Iolaus, both of whom were more than a little acquainted with Dite's tactics, let go and leaped aside as Dite started to swing her arm in a 'wind up' gesture.

Hercules, voice rising in indignant alarm, said, "Wait a minute! I don't want to be cured. If loving him is wrong, I don't wanna be right!"

As the glittering ball of pink energy smacked him in the head, I muttered, "Either he's been sneaking in the Halls of Time, too, or the Muses are test driving a few things." Hercules flew back, hit the back of his knees against a low table, took out two Muses on the way down, and ended up half under a divan. That gave him a view up Artemis' toga, and she promptly bonked him somewhere sensitive with her bow. This seemed to call for a round of sniggering. The only ones who didn't join in were Hades (who, being the Lord of the Dead, felt that gerigering was beneath him (chilling laughter didn't seem to fit the occasion), and Ace (who felt that it would be wrong for the God of Healing to laugh at any sort of injury, no matter what expression Hercules made). Both of them suddenly had coughing fits, though.

Hercules managed to sit up, holding his crotch tenderly. "Oh, man, that smarts! Artie, you know good and well I wouldn't try to sneak a peek--we're related!"

"Prude!" yelled Strife.

Hercules, for once, ignored him, and looked around, expression becoming bewildered. "What the Tartarus is going on? Why are we on Olympus? Why did Dite paste me with a power ball?"

"Oo, oo!" Strife was bouncing up and down. "I get ta tell! Hey, Jerk, fah tha last coupla days ya been tryin ta get into Joxer's armor."

Hercules turned pale. "I would never do that! I never even imagined that," he got a distant look in his eyes. "Well, if you don't count that one time we all had to bathe at the river..." He wasn't quick enough tck Ick Iolaus' slap. He jumped up and followed the blond as he flounced out of the room. "Snugglepuss, wait! I wasn't myself. I plead temporary insanity!"

Ares snorted. "Temporary? Now that the comic relief is over, will you get on with your explanation, Scribe? We're honeymooning at the beach, and if we're going to have the reception and still time the consummations to happen at sunset, we'll have to hurry."

"You romantic fool, you," I drawled. "Okay, last verse. 'Known, yet not known.' This is someone you've known for some time, Ares, but you've never taken the time to really know them." She glared at Xena and Gabrielle. "If I may say so, no one has taken the time to know them."

Dite, who had figured this out long before her hard-headed brother, said, "Hey!"

"No offense meant, Dite, but you have to admit that even you didn't catch this till just a minute ago."

She sighed. "It's a fair cop."

"'Loving, yet not speaking.'" She looked at Joxer, and shook a finger at him. "To paraphrase Billy Joel, 'Tell him about it!'"

Joxer blushed even darker. He was standing close beside the God of War. Now he looked up shyly. "Ares?"

Ares looked down at him. "Joxer?"

Joxer took a deep breath. "You know that I worship you."

Ares nodded. "Of course. You're one of my most loyal followers."

"Well, I don't just worship you. I... I'm in luh-love with you." He tightened, eyes squeezed shut, ready to be blasted.

Ares blinked. "You are?" A tiny nod answered him. He poked Joxer, who flinched. "Sorry, just trying to get you to look at me." Joxer cracked one eye open, warily. "Joxer? I know you love me--you wouldn't serve me so faithfully if you didn't. But are you in love with me?"

Now Joxer opened his eyes fully, putting his hands on his hips. "Yes. I do know the difference. It's both--love, and in love."

"Oo, that's the very best kind!" Aphrodite cooed. "It's so hard to get most mortals to realize that." She cocked an eyebrow at Zeus, "Or some gods." He got very interested in a loose thread on his toga.

I threw up my hands in an 'I told you so' gesture. "There you have it. Joxer, the Mighty--the perfect consort for War. He's sweet, he's funny, he's got a nice bod, he's a great lover..." Ares shot me a 'look'. "Hey, I had mitigating circumstances, okay? He loves you inspite of your faults," Ares started to say something, but I talked over him, "and yes, you do have faults. I swear, all the thought you can put into planning a war, then when it comes to your personal love life, you're ready for grab-n-go." I stopped talking. Everyone was silent. She sighed heavily. "Well?"

"Joxer, wanna get hitched?" Ares asked.

"Okay."

Ares grabbed Joxer's hand and dragged him over to stand in front of Hera. "Mom?"

Hera blinked. "Son, this is a bit sudden. What we need is a proper engagement. It will take me at least a decade to plan the wedding and reception properly. We'll just feed Joxer a bit of golden apple so he stays nice and fresh, and..."

"Miz Hera-lady?" I said. "I really think you need something more along the lines of a Las Vegas quickie. Judging by the speed at which this shindig has been moving, there appears to be some urgency."

Hera said coldly. "You believe you know these things better than the Queen of the Gods?"

There was a sudden rumble and crash of thunder. It was bad enough to send Bliss squealing into Cupid's arms, cause Jayce to cling to Jett, and make even the adult divinities flinched. Atropos looked at Hera. "I'd listen to her if I were you, Toots." The rumbling continued, growing in intensity. Vases started falling off pedestals.

Hera raised her hand. "BythepowervestedinmeastheGoddessofMarriageIherebypronounceAres,GodofWdJoxdJoxer,theMighty,mortal,joinedforalleternity." She drew a gasping breath. "Olympus, I present to you Ares, and his consort, Joxer--to be named to a godhood to be designated at a later date."

The rumbling stopped. Joxer blinked. "That's it? I was kinda hoping for flowers."

Ares grabbed him and kissed him, hard. "Persephone, can you arrange for a layer of rose petals on my bed back at the House of War?" Persephone giggled, nodding. "Thanks. I owe you onP>
P>

Flash!

Ares and Joxer were gone in a shower of red sparks. They had scarcely faded before Cupid and Aphrodite were both grinning like lunatics.

I sighed. "Well, that's settled. I'd like to go home now. Why are you Fates shaking your heads?"

"Scribe," said Apollo. "I'm sorta in charge of prophecies, so I can tell you this one. The full prophecy has to be considered."

"I went down it, line by line."

"You forgot the last line." He made a face. "Well, trio of last lines, since the ladies couldn't agree. 'When the Mistress of the Web comes to Olympus.'"

"I covered that. Web sites, and all."

"Okay, I'll give you that one. What about 'takes her rightful place'?"

"Heck, how should I know? Maybe after they finish the first round of boinking they'll want a more formal ceremony, and I can be bridesmaid... or groom's maid... or something."

"Nope. Sounds a m a more official place to me--like a position."

"Well," said Jett, "She's been claiming Goddess of Smut."

"Absolutely not," huffed Zeus. "New godhood must be approved by a vote of the twelve, and finalized by myself, and I refuse to be forced into such a decision."

"You tell 'em, Airguy. While y'all thrash this out, I'm still a little hungry. I think I'll hit the buffet again. I want to get there before all that yummy Jello salad is eaten."

Hestia looked confused. "Jell-what salad?"

"Jello. Say, what flavor did you use, anyway? It wasn't cherry, or strawberry, or watermelon. Do they have a fruit punch flavor out? Anyway, it was pink. And I liked the idea of putting apple in it instead of the regular fruit cocktail. Gave it a little texture."

Zeus was getting pale. He looked at Hestia. "You didn't."

She shrugged. "I was trying out a new concept I saw in the Halls of Time. There's a molded dessert called Jello, and you can mix in fruit, and I thought--hey, ambrosia has that sort of consistency. And I thought, while I'm at it, why not mix in some golden apple chunks? It'll be nutritious, tasty, and pretty. So..."

"But she ate apple and ambrosia! Do you know what that means?"

I was eating another plate of the concoction. I paused, a spoon halfway to my mouth, and said hopefully, "More than the recommended daily requirements of vitamins and nutrients?"

Jayce patted my shoulder. "Hit means, honey, that hyou are now not honly immortal, but a goddess."

I blinked. "Get out of town." He shook his head. I put down the plate. "I thought I was feeling too chipper for anyone who hadn't had caffeine for several days." I glared at Zeus. "Fix it."

"I can't," he said heavily. "It's irreversible."

"I refuse to believe this!" I stamped my foot angrily. A tiny flash leaped from where my foot contacted the floor. Jett just managed to jump out of the way, though he ended up with a scorch mark on his pants leg. "Oops. Sorry about that. I can't go home like this. I live in a double-wide--the danger of fire would be fantastic. Not to mention what kind of reaction I'd get from my Baptist Sunday School class if they found out I was a goddess, minor or not."

"Well, you're stuck," said Zeus, "and I'm really tired of this whole thing. I hereby declare Scribe to be the Goddess of Smut, er, Erotica, since she seems to think that she has some talent in that area. Apollo, you and the Muses see that she gets trained in her new duties. Find her a place to stay, make arrangements for a formal presentation to the mortals, get them started building her a few temples." He smiled at me. "Don't look so stricken, m'dear. It's nice work, if you can get it. You should be only moderately over worked, since there are fewer people out there trying their hand at erotica than there are trying to churn out epics or lyric poetry." He gave me a stern look. "I'll expect you to see to that." Zeus cleared his throat. "In fact, I'm sure I'll be able to, er, survey most of your initial efforts. Quality check, you know. Now, then," he took Hera's hand. She looked at him, surprised. He smiled. "You know how the thought of young love affects me." He wiggled his eyebrows. She giggled. They disappeared together.

I sat down with a thump on a little sofa, more than a little stunned by the turn of events. "I should have seen it coming," I muttered. "As many fanfictions as I've read... hell, written, I should have been looking for the 'twist' ending."

"Hey, don't be so glum, sweetie." Jayce sat beside me. "Let me help design hyour official symbol and robes. I have some stunning ideas."

"I bet you have. No pastels--I'll look like an Easter egg in pastels."

"A hwhat egg?"

"Oh, I forgot--anachronism. Never mind."

Jett sat down on my other side, slipping an arm around me. "I'll be available for any research you need to do into the darker, kinkier aspects of erotica. Can't have it all sweetness and fluff, you know."

Cupid and Aphrodite came over. Dite was bouncing. "Oh, this is so cool! We usually work with Erato. Now, she's a lovely girl, but a bit, um, delicatewhen it comes to expressions of physical love."

Strife grinned. "Translation--she does tha fade ta black when it comes time fah people ta bump nasties."

I winced. "Nothing higher than PG-13, huh?"

Strife wiggled his hand. "Maybe a little soft R, but nothin that'll kindle a pyre in yer pants, if ya know what I mean."

"Okay, I can understand working with Cupid and Dite, but you, Strife?"

cackles "Ya got any idea how much mischief a dirty scroll hidden undah a kids bed can stir up if Mom finds it? Why ya still lookin so downhearted, kid?"

"It's her family," said Cupid. "Don't worry--we'll feed them some sort of story about you falling in love with Greece and staying over. We'll arrange for you to send letters now and then, and maybe even make phone calls. Then, when you fall in love and get married, you'll have a legitimate excuse for being gone, and I'm sure Grandpa can be talked into letting you actually take a trip through the Halls of Time for visits back."

I relaxed a little. "That would work out nicely, except that I still doubt that I'll ever get married."

"Is there anything else that will make you feel at home?" Dite asked. "I'll do my best to help you get it." She smiled sweetly. "It's amazing how co-operative the old goat gets when his whoopee is threatened."

I thought hard about what might make me feel more at home. "There is one thing."

Epilogue

(Warning: Shift of viewpoint from first person to omniscient)

Several weeks later:

Scribe, dressed in a comfortable pair of loose fitting dark green trousers and a tunic of the same shade, walked into the study of her home on Olympus. Actually, it was a wing in Apollo's temple (it was finally agreed that the most appropriate lodging would be with the Muses) and froze. "Sandburg! That ink isn't dry yet!"

The reddish-brown, long haired kitten looked up with innocent blue eyes from where he was standing in the center of a carefully stretched and weighted scroll. He purred, sat, and began to lick fresh ink off his paws. Scribe sighed, picked the kitten up, and kissed it on the nose. Setting it down, she gently pushed it toward a large, sleek black kitten, which also had blue eyes. "Go play with Ellison."

The kitten scampered off, leaving black paw prints that the priestesses would patiently clean up--again. Scribe had tried to do it herself the first few times it happened, only to have the priests and priestesses (she only had a half dozen of each to start with) nearly have fits. They weren't about to let it get around Olympus that their goddess did her own chores.

After a lifetime of service jobs that usually included cleaning bathrooms and mopping floors, Scribe was having to adjust to a 'white collar' job. Her days were full, but she didn't do what she considered to be 'work'--no actual physical labor was involved.

Scribe examined the smudged scroll. "Damn. I don't want to have to re-copy this whole thing." She tilted her head. "It's not so bad. Hm, just this one place, really. Let's see... I spaced the lines widely, so I should be able to squeeze the smudged line underneath without making it look too forced. Then..."

She sat down, dipped a fresh quill into a pot of ink, and began doodling on the parchment. In a few moments she sat back and surveyed her work. Now, instead of a line of smudged writing, there was a center decoration of vines, leaves, and flowers. "Good thing this was a fluffy little 'let's have sex in the garden' instead of a dark 'welcome to my dungeon'."

A handsome young man in a wine red robe entered the room, trailed by a line of cats of all ages, sizes, and colors. He somehow managed not to trip, though the cats were jostling each other eagerly to get a sniff at his sandals. He stood before her and bowed. "My Lady Scribe."

She waved cheerfully at her Official High Priest. "Hi, Germanicus. How goes it?"

"Very well, m'lady. The first earthly temple dedicated to you will be ready to be blessed in three days." He smiled as he plucked a kitten (who was trying manfully to climb up to his shoulder) off his hip, setting it down gently. "Scintilla and Marcanus are overjoyed at having been given the positions as priest and priestess there, and anticipate a wide selection of acolytes. There have already been a dozen likely volunteers, and we aren't even open yet. I think that you can expect to have a thriving string of temples in no time at all." His smile widened. "You're already very popular."

She smiled in return. "Public taste is a funny thing." She pointed. "He's old enough to leave his mama now, isn't he?" Germanicus nodded. "Okay, little Tigertoes and a couple of his siblings will be the first official temple cats on Earth." She walked over to the man, carefully stepping around cats. "Say, Germanicus... I know that the cats like you..." There was now a forest of waving tails around the man. "But they seem a little more enthusiastic than usual."

"That would be the catnip. I helped Gaia with putting in that patch you asked for in the garden. I think the kitties find me rather, er, fragrant."

Scribe smiled at him flirtatiously. "Well, you always smell good." She leaned her head on his shoulder for a moment, then gave him a quick kiss. He blushed happily. This was a great part of being a goddess--given her godhood, she was expected to flirt with the staff, and they really seemed to like her. She didn't know it, but she'd already gotten a reputation around Olympus as a 'good boss'.

A shower of pink sparkles and white rose petals sent the cats scampering madly in all directions, leaping and whirling after the fascinating objects. Dite almost tripped on a little white cat that got tangled in her robes, but she took it in stride. Dite picked the cat out of the material and snuggled it. "Oh, isn't it precious! Scribe, can I have this one? It will go so well with the color scheme at my temple."

She went over and scratched the cat under the chin. "Whataya say, Blanche?" She purred. "She says you have to bring Bobo, her mate, too."

"What color is he?" Scribe gave her a pointed look. "You're right--love is more important than clashing."

"I'm glad to hear that, because Bobo is an orange marmalade tabby."

Her nose wrinkled. "Orange and pink." She shrugged. "Oh, well. They ought to make pretty kittens."

"Like creamsicles," she agreed.

"I'm glad I got Zeus to designate you as Goddess of Cats. You're doing a faboo job."

There was a knock at the door, and Scribe called, "C'mon in--we're as decent as you can expect around here."

Another priest came in, smiling when he saw her standing next to his fellow priest. He bowed. "Lady Scribe, there is a visitor who craves an audience."

"Who would that be?" She was curious. Apollo and the Muses had been running interference for her ever since she'd been appointed, giving her a chance to settle in before the flow of minor deities interested in scoping her out and deciding where she fit in the machinations started.

"Jett, King of Assassins."

Well, that was a surprise. She'd seen a good bit of Jayce, what with all the design consultations, and she'd seen a glowing Joxer when he came back from his honeymoon. She'd had a lot of fun teasing Joxer into blushes, but since she was viewing him as a younger brother these days, she felt entitled--and he seemed to enjoy it. Scribe had remarked to Aphrodite that Ares seemed a lot more laid back, too. Dite had remarked that getting laid by the right person usually had that effect. "Speaking of which, hon..."

Scribe had cut her off there. Her initiation into the joys of womanhood had been a little intense, not to mention head-spinning, so she was taking a celibacy break. "I'm not saying I won't ever, Dite. I'm just saying you keep the potions away, and tell Cupid to keep the arrows away, and I'll see if anything develops naturally. I mean, heck. I'm immortal now, right? It isn't like there's a big hurry."

Scribe said, "Sure, send him in."

The priests bowed and left the room. Dite poked her. "C'mon. Germanicus? He's cute!"

"Yes, he is. Dite, I went over four decades with nothing--then I got hit with the triplets. It was sort of like being on bread and water my entire life, then being pitched headfirst into an all-you-can-eat luxury buffet. Overload. Just give me a little while to get used to the idea of being active." She heard clicking-clocking sounds. It was distinctly different from the usual slap of sandals or thump of boots. "What's that?"

Jett stepped through the door. Scribe's jaw dropped. He was still wearing black leather--it was just that it consisted of chaps over tight blue jeans, and a vest. He was also wearing a black silk shirt, a black Stetson, a belt with a silver buckle the size of a saucer (proclaiming him a champion bare back rider, and she wasn't about to let him comment on that), and pointy toed cowboy boots. He was also carrying a large bunch of yellow roses. He came over to the two goddesses, still managing his smooth glide in the unfamiliar boots, tipped his Stetson, and drawled, "Howdy, ladies."

"Wha... wha... huh?" Scribe asked intelligently.

Dite, grinning, whispered in her ear. "Well, he knows you're from Texas, so he got Joxer to let him into the Halls of Time so he could do some research."

"What did he do? Watch every Hopalong Cassidy movie in existence?" He offered her the roses, and the sarcasm melted out of her voice. "Ooo." She took them, and buried her nose in them. "I haven't seen a yellow rose on Olympus before."

Jett smirked. "I owe Gaia two assassinations for those, but I don't think she'll collect. And this." He pulled a large, flat box from behind his back.

Again Scribe stared. "That is not what it looks like."

He cocked his head. "If it isn't, I'm going to have to go back and kick a store clerk's ass. She assured me that was a deluxe assortment of Godiva's finest."

Scribe squeaked, and looked at Dite. "Someone brought me candy and flowers!"

"Your followers will leave you tributes," she pointed out, but she didn't sound like she was trying to be convincing.

"I know. I mean, I've heard. But that will be for the Goddess of Erotica." She hugged the flowers and candy. "This is for me!" She peeked at Jett doubtfully over her armload. "Isn't it?"

Jett took the flowers and candy and handed them to Dite, "Goddess, could I trouble you to put these away somewhere?" He stepped up to Scribe and slipped an arm around her waist, taking her hand in his. "I have to warn you--I haven't mastered the two step, so it will have to be slow dancing." He pulled her closer, tucking her head down on his shoulder, and started swaying, crooning, "Lookin' for love in all the wrong places..."

Scribe leaned back, giving him a bewildered, but not displeased look. "Who are you, and what have you done with Jett?"

He smiled down at her. "Now that I have your attention. I do kind of like the clothes, but they won't work for my regular work. For you, though--"

"The jeans are nice." He jumped a little when her hands slid down to his ass, grabbed a double handful, and squeezed. He grinned. She smiled.

Dite quietly tiptoed out of the room, shrugging. Scribe couldn't accuse her of interfering. This had all been Jett's idea. She laid the candy and flowers on a table in the hall and headed for Hera's temple, murmuring happily, "Looks like she might get to throw a big wedding after all."

The End
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Stranger In A Strange Land