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If You Want To Play Games, Okay...But I'll Win	By : WW2_Lover Category: G through L > Hogan's Heroes Views: 1043 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own ANY of these characters, ANY part of this series, or make ANY money from Hogan's Heroes. I'm just borrowing them for a little while. Any words with a * in front of them are lines directly from the show.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Any words with a * in front of them are lines directly from the show.

Déjà vu = A French term, which means ‘already seen’ and is used to indicate like you’ve already done a particular thing once before without knowing it.
Luftwaffe = The German name for their Air Force
Frauen = Women
Kommandant = Commander
Oui = French for ‘yes’
Mon ami = French for ‘my friend’
Saints chats = French for ‘holy cats’
André = French for the name ‘Andrew’
Kraut/krauts = American slang, which is a derogatory term for the Germans.
Jerry = British slang, which is a derogatory term for the Germans.
Exactement = French for ‘exactly’
Pièrre = French for the name ‘Peter’
Le = French for the word ‘the’
Boche = French slang, which translates to ‘German’ & is a derogatory term.
Commandant = French for ‘the Commander’
Général = French for the word ‘General’
Stalag = Stalag is short for ‘Stammlager’, which is short for ‘Kriegsgefangenen-Mannschaftsstammlager’. It translates to ‘prisoner-of-war camp’
Oflag = Short for ‘Offizierslager’, which translates to ‘Officer's camp’
Mon = French for the word ‘my’
Dummkopf = Idiot
Danke = Thank you
Herr = Mister
Kommandtur = Commander’s office
L’amour = French for ‘love’
Non = French for ‘no’
Dormir ensemble = French for ‘sleeping together’
Avoir des relations sexuelles = French for ‘having sex’
Reichsmarks = The currency of Nazi Germany. (It was discontinued in 1948.)

Meeting up in London…
“Do you have a sense of déjà vu right now, Hogan? Or is it just me?” Klink asked his troublemaker as they stood off to one side, in the shadows of the large room on the British military base.
They were at the headquarters of the Allied High Command, and Robert Hogan had been officially given his promotion ceremony. To his surprise, he hadn’t gotten any dirty looks here from anyone. Instead, they’d shaken his hand and congratulated him! And I am still amazed about that, especially after that British sergeant in Luxembourg, Klink thought.
“A little bit, yeah. Why?” Hogan asked, wondering if it was for the same reason he did or because of something else.
Before his official ceremony, they’d told him he was up for a second star. To their surprise he’d turned them down flat. Hogan was happy with what he had, and he knew that the higher star generals usually ended up as desk jockeys for their own protection. He was a man of action, and a career in administration wouldn’t suit him at all.
With a smile, Klink shrugged and responded, “I was just remembering when we were here once before together, to steal that plane. I was here walking around with a certain handsome young colonel, and I am just grateful we were on a military base. Otherwise, I fear we might have been stampeded by frauen wanting your attention.”
Klink shook his head, seeing the unwanted image in his mind. Why does the idea of Hogan being surrounded by adoring women bother me so much? he pondered. “I was wearing an American uniform then too, you know.”
He tugged on one pant leg to adjust it for the third time since they’d arrived here as he added, “This uniform feels very strange. I am not sure I can get used to wearing it, Hogan. My Luftwaffe uniform is much more…er….”
“Form-fitting? Time consuming to put on?” Hogan suggested helpfully. “And yeah, I remember that too. But you think I’m handsome?” he teased, only intending on giving Klink a hard time as usual. But his surprise, the tall German blushed. What the hell? What was that about?
“I…uh…no!” Klink said firmly, dearly wishing that were true. “I was just saying how a woman would see you. Do not get a swelled head from a simple observation, Hogan.”
The older man rolled his eyes at the answer he’d gotten. “And it may be all of the above, but it is also very comfortable.”
He took in the sight of his brat standing there wearing his full dress uniform and grinned. “Even so, you still look very nice, Hogan. And you really do fly well, as I sure you are aware. How General Biedenbender managed to figure out what you were going to do ahead of time, I will never understand. Even if he studied you extensively, that means nothing. I have interacted with you every day for the past three years, and I still cannot predict what you will do,” Klink pointed out.
“All part of what keeps me sharp, Kommandant,” said Hogan lightly as he bounced on the balls of his feet. “But don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be a chick magnet in this uniform too.”
“I –” Klink cut himself with a sharp intake of breath as he made a split-second decision. "Wilhelm. My name is Wilhelm," he said determinedly.
Hogan gave him an odd look, wondering that random announcement had come from. “Ooookay…so why are you telling me that? Or are you just reminding yourself of it, sir?" I’ve heard Klink say a lot of nonsensical things, but that has got to top them all, he thought.
"No, Hogan,” the German officer replied patiently, knowing his proclamation had come out of nowhere. “I meant that my name is Wilhelm, and I would like you to call me that. I am not your Kommandant any longer."
Klink looked uncertain as he spoke, as if he weren’t sure how Hogan would respond to that declaration.
Raising his eyebrows in surprise, Hogan nodded. "Sure, Kom – I mean, Wilhelm," Hogan said as he tested the name out on his tongue.
He liked the German variation of the name ‘William’…it spoke of nobility and excellent manners, yet someone who was also kind and understanding. Really, it suits Klink perfectly.
"But only if you call me Robert from now on. Or Rob. I'm good with either one," he added. It was his turn to look uncertain now.
Robert sounds like a form of the German name ‘Hrodebert’, which means ‘bright fame’…yes, an undoubtedly suitable name for my troublemaker. But Rob sounds more like a little boy’s name, and Hogan often acts like an overgrown child. So…hmmm, thought Klink.
Finally, he decided that he would use whichever version struck his inclination at the time. “I am glad that is settled, Rob.” The former Kommandant gave Hogan a smile and was rewarded with one back in turn.
“As I was saying previously, I was not – as you put it – a ‘chick magnet’ in my previous uniform. And I do not see how that will change now, because you Americans have no sense of style,” Klink teased.
“Yeah, but at least we can get dressed in under five minutes. We don’t have to still be pulling on our boots in the sidecar of a motorcycle,” Hogan teased back when he recalled numerous times Klink had done just that.
“Besides, I can’t help it if the German women have no taste. But the American and British ones do, and you’ll do okay here. Your shoulders actually look broader wearing this uniform, because you don’t have so much padding in it to hide them.” The younger officer abruptly shut up as he realized what he’d just said, and now it was his turn to blush.
“Well, if you had been so kind to give me about thirty minutes’ advance warning of any escape attempts, I might have been able to be fully dressed instead of hopping out of my quarters on one foot,” Klink felt obliged to mention in an amused voice.
The older general eyed the way Hogan was blushing and teased, “Oh, so you noticed that? Should I be concerned about something inappropriate happening when we return to our hotel room? You have done quite a good job of imitating an octopus before, you know.”
“N-no,” the American general stammered, wishing he hadn’t opened his big mouth as an image of him wrapped around Klink presented itself in his mind. “Why would you have to be concerned about that? We’re only sharing a room because it’s cost-effective. There’s nothing wrong with that, right?”
After clearing his throat, Hogan added, “Besides, we were supposed to have a sleepover back at Stalag 13 anyway. You said you would, but then you got upset with me. I only thought I’d inform you of that so you’d know that I’m still not happy about the missed opportunity.”
Hogan was trying to get his heart-rate back down after feeling that it had recently sped up. When he’d spoken a minute ago, his voice had also become a little more high-pitched than it usually was.
“Besides, where would be the fun in that, Wilhelm? You liked being led on the merry chase just as much as we liked leading you on it,” he added with a half-smile.
Ignoring that comment, Klink said, “I still am upset with you, Rob. The only thing that changed was the reason for my displeasure. But a hotel room is hardly practical for that sort of thing. And anyway, I can see that you are still in pain. The entire situation will remain on hold for the time being,” he replied in a tone one that left no room for argument.
Changing the subject, he said, “Do you really think that your men will fall for this little prank? The Englander did make me this uniform, so it is not as if they do not know that I own it,” he added.
Hogan didn’t push the issue for once, knowing that it wouldn’t do any good. Instead, he answered, “I don’t see why not. Your back is to the door, you’re wearing a hat so they can’t see your head, and you’re not carrying your riding crop or wearing your monocle. As long as you suppress your accent like you showed me earlier, it’ll work.”
The former senior POW officer gave Klink what he hoped was a causal look before asking nonchalantly, “So, uh…where is your riding crop, anyway?”
The tall German nodded and replied, “That is true.”
Hearing the odd question, Klink gave the younger general an inquisitive look in return. “It is in the duffel bag you packed, in our hotel room. Why? Were you hoping I forgot it back at the camp, perhaps?”
“Nope, just the opposite,” Hogan said cheerfully. A movement behind Klink caught his eye, and he gave the older man a mischievous smile. “Here they come. It’s showtime.”

Together again…
“Blimey, who’s that wit’ the Guv’nor?” asked Peter Newkirk as he spotted the Unsung Heroes’ commander. “Whoever it is, ‘e’s a tall bloke.”
He could see Hogan was deep in conversation with another officer, if the shape of the hat he wore was any indication.
Louis LeBeau peered around his friends to see what his friends were talking about. As the shortest one of the mismatched group, usually he would have walked in front of everyone else. But today he’d decided to be in the back, which had obviously not been the brightest idea. “Oui, I agree with you, mon ami. He’s much taller than me, that is for sure.”
“Louis, every man is taller than you,” ribbed Newkirk good-naturedly, causing their chef to flip him off as an answer to that comment. “What abou’ you, Carter? Who do you think ‘e is?”
“I dunno, boy,” Andrew Carter responded thoughtfully as they walked toward Hogan and the mystery man. “There’s just something about him that’s familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it.”
He took another glance at his commanding officer, the occasionally crazy colonel-turned-general that had been with them every step of the way in their mission. “Whoever that guy is though, I’d say he obviously knows General Hogan well.”
James Kinchloe looked at the youngest member of their team in surprise. “What makes you say that, Carter?” he asked as he too looked ahead of them, noticing the smile on Hogan’s face and the relaxed stance he had while he talked with the unknown officer.
Part of the radioman wondered if Hogan had seen them yet before dismissing the idea. The general was offbeat at times in his behavior patterns, but he’d never just see his team and outright ignore them like that.
Carter pointed a gloved hand at the pair and began to explain. “Well, just look at our fearless leader. You fellas see the way the general is talking with his hands, all animated and stuff? You don’t do that unless you’re completely into a conversation with someone. And you gotta know ‘em really good, see, because otherwise you just wouldn’t be able to let your guard down to get into it like that.”
The demolitions expert nodded once and added, “I’d say he’s a good friend, based off of the body language we’re seeing.”
“Saints chats, André,” said the little Frenchman, sounding stunned. “Since when do you notice anything like that?” Carter was notoriously naïve about the ways of the world, so that assessment had come out of the blue.
“You ain’t lyin’ abou’ tha’, LeBeau,” Newkirk chimed in. “Andrew, when did you become so smart?”
He knew that his friend had to have intelligence in there under the constant nattering he did, because Carter specialized in explosives. Anything that went ‘boom’ was something you could only mess up once, which meant one had to be very careful.
But Kinch only grinned, showing a mouthful of white teeth. “Guys, I think Carter here has been smarter than he’s let on all this time.”
While the radioman knew Carter couldn’t be as clueless as he seemed – after all, he wanted to be a pharmacist at some point – sometimes it was difficult to take him seriously. “Anyway, who cares? At least he’s ditched the Kraut, right?”
“And abou’ ruddy time, too,” grumbled Newkirk as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I still can’t believe the Guv’nor made me make not one, but two uniforms for a bloody Jerry!” Newkirk had no love at all for the German military, especially not the Luftwaffe. Not after they’d bombed all of London in the Battle of Britain.
In addition, he’d been the first of the Heroes to arrive at Stalag 13. He’d been there before Klink took command of the camp, and the previous Kommandant had been a twisted excuse for a human being. The Englishman had not been sad at all to see him transferred elsewhere.
“Oui, my thoughts exactement, Pièrre,” LeBeau agreed with a sharp nod. “Le Boche Commandant made life very difficult for le Général, and even us at times. I still say that I will never understand Americans.”
They were very close to their commanding officer now, and yet Hogan hadn’t acknowledged them. As they drew closer to the two men, they heard a deep laugh and a voice say, “That is very funny, Rob.”
Carter looked at his teammates and whispered, “Good news guys, it’s not Klink. It’s an American, but I’m trying to see his rank.”
He craned his neck to see better and added, “A brigadier general, ‘cause he’s only got one star.”
After that delightful news bulletin, the group heaved a collective sigh of relief. It wasn’t Klink! Deciding to get the former senior POW officer’s attention, Carter waved frantically at the new general. “Hey, General Hogan! It’s us!”
They watched their commander tap the unknown officer on the shoulder, after which he nodded and stepped further back into the shadows. As the shadows hid his face, it was an unusual thing to do. But they really didn’t care about that right now. They were more concerned about talking to Hogan.
“Carter!” Hogan exclaimed, pretending like he hadn’t seen his team coming the entire time. And after looking behind his demolitions expert, he added, “Kinch, Newkirk, LeBeau! What’re you guys doing here?”
The former sergeant smiled in that goofy way he had. “Not much, boy…I mean, sir. We’re just catching up, being debriefed…you know, the usual.” Then he tapped his captain’s bars with a look of confusion.
“But uh, I think you mighta made a mistake in the paperwork somewhere, sir. Otherwise, there’s just no way a doofus like me could end up outranking everyone on the team except you. I only made stuff go boom,” Carter added with a downtrodden expression.
The young captain knew everyone else probably thought he was a complete idiot, but he worked hard to always stay carefree and cheerful. Sometimes he even hammed it up a little bit, but that was only to make the others laugh. And even if they were annoyed instead, well…you couldn’t be annoyed and depressed at the same time!
“You only made stuff go boom,” Hogan repeated slowly, wanting to shake his demolitions expert for thinking himself so unimportant to their mission. “Carter, let me tell you something. You do realize that without all the bombs you made, there wouldn’t have been an operation, right?”
Where had Carter gotten the idea that he wasn’t important from? The American general figured he could ask that some other time. “Don’t sell yourself short like that. I can’t make bombs. Newkirk can’t make bombs either, despite his ‘magic hands’. And neither can Kinch or LeBeau. That’s something that requires real talent!” he said, making air quotes with his fingers.
“Gee, do you really think so?” Carter asked hesitantly, feeling torn between wanting to believe that and figuring it was just something Hogan felt he had to say.
Sighing, Hogan replied, “Yes. Now cheer up, will ya? It’s supposed to be a happy occasion today,” he added as he clapped the young officer on the back. How Carter could possibly get the idea that explosives weren’t that important in their operation – when said operation primarily consisted of blowing things up – was beyond him.
Hell, he’d even told the Allied High Command that, along with explaining why he wanted Carter promoted three ranks instead of two like the others. “Carter was originally a second lieutenant when he came to us,” Hogan had informed the brass when he’d talked to them. “I didn’t demote him in any way, so he's technically still one. We only made him a sergeant to hid him in plain sight, since we were at a stalag and not an Oflag. But his ability to make any sort of explosive is amazing, and he would’ve been a dangerous enemy to have.”
“Sure, okay. You got it, boy…I mean, General!” Carter said with an ear-to-ear grin. Hogan didn’t think he was useless after all! And he still outranked Newkirk, which would give him something to tease the Englishman about later on.
“Guv’nor, it’s good to see you, sir!” Newkirk called out, walking closer to where the former senior POW officer stood. “Don’t mind us, now. We’ve jus’ been to get a little bump in our paychecks, if you will.”
He tapped his shoulder, which indicated that he was a second lieutenant now. “Still can’t believe you put me in to become a bleedin’ officer. I never ‘ave been partial to chartreuse.” Newkirk was smiling as he talked, even if he managed to somehow look slightly offended anyway.
“Aw, but you’d look so good in it, Newkirk,” teased Hogan. “You kept saying you didn’t like basic black, so I thought a lighter color might work for you.” He clapped the former corporal on the back and said, “You were a fine asset to the team. I’ve never seen one man with so many skills.”
For Newkirk, Hogan had told London just that. “Newkirk is a rare gem to work with, because the man can do just about anything he puts his mind to. He made uniforms so authentic looking that the Krauts themselves didn’t spot them as fakes, he sewed any repairs we needed done, he can break into almost any safe, he’s a master forger, and he can do a great German accent. You should be proud to say he’s British.” He could have told them more, but they’d gotten the picture by then.
“Always a comedian, you are, sir,” muttered the British lieutenant as he shook his head.
“What about me, mon Général?” asked LeBeau with a grin as he reached the others. Being the affectionate sort of person he was, the little Frenchman gave the American general a hug. “It is good to see you again, sir.”
“And you as well, LeBeau!” responded Hogan as he returned the hug. The French were a passionate and emotional people, so it didn’t bother him like it would with anyone else. That was just how the former corporal did things.
“Your job was keeping us all well-fed, LeBeau. Without you, we wouldn’t have been in any kind of shape to do anything. So, how are you liking being an officer now?” Hogan inquired, wondering if the French pilot would be offended by it as well.
“Eh,” their chef said as he held out his hand and tilted it back and forth in a ‘so-so’ motion. “It is okay, but the hats they wear are simply terrible. Whoever designed them clearly was not French, because they had no sense of fashion. I think that I liked my red beret much better. Still, I will manage somehow,” he said with a shrug.
LeBeau had been made a second lieutenant, just like Newkirk had. “Sawdust is not a good way to make bread taste better. Just his ability to make good food out of almost nothing warrants that promotion, as does the fact he often used them to distract the Krauts at parties so we could get things done. Without LeBeau’s cooking abilities, we all would’ve literally starved to death,” was what Hogan had told the brass on the little Frenchman’s behalf.
“I’m sure you’ll survive,” Hogan commented dryly as he looked at Kinch.
The radioman wore his new rank proudly, and still the younger general frowned. “Kinch, I put you in to be made a captain as well. What gives?” he asked, pointing to the first lieutenant insignia.
“Ah…the brass said it wasn’t warranted, General. Something about how operating a radio and rarely going outside the wire wasn’t as useful to the team,” Kinch responded evenly. He was long since used to the discrimination because of his skin color by now. But at least Hogan had tried to get him a higher rank!
“What? What kind of logic is that?” complained Hogan as he motioned to Kinch’s skin. “It would have been a little obvious, you know? You can’t exactly pass for a member of the ‘master race’. So what else were you supposed to do?”
“Kinch is my second-in-command, and he was a key player in taking messages from you guys while we were outside the wire. While he didn’t usually leave the camp, he did everything he could to help us. And on top of that, visitors to the camp usually insulted him and/or used slurs regarding the fact that he was black. That was something the rest of us didn’t have to worry about.”
The American general had needed to stress the radioman’s importance to the brass, seeing as they didn’t seem to agree with him. But he thought that he’d finally convinced them! Yet Hogan already knew the real reason for the denial was because his second-in-command was black. Discrimination was still a serious issue worldwide, and not everyone was as tolerant as he was. “I’ll just –”
“No, General,” the radioman said calmly. “Neither you nor I need to make waves about this, being as it won’t do any good right now. I’m sure that social prejudices will change in time. And when they do, we’ll both be here to see it, after which feel free to complain about this all you want. Okay?”
Kinch respected his commander, he really did. But Hogan had a fast temper and a protective streak towards those he cared about. After all, he’d seen the general’s hackles go up more than once when someone messed with them during the war.
“Yeah, okay. I really hate it when you make sense, Kinch,” Hogan grumbled.
“I know, sir. But it’s my job. Anyway, are you going to introduce us to your friend?” Kinch asked, changing the subject as he gestured to the silent officer in the shadows.
“Friend?” Hogan cocked his head with a smile, wondering how his team had figured it out so fast. “What makes you think he’s a friend?”
Klink was his friend, of course. But he wanted to know what had given him away.
“General,” Kinch said, giving him that look that said he wasn’t fooling them. “You were all but dancing around, waving your hands as you guys talked. I’ve never seen you so animated before, sir.”
The first lieutenant kept watching Hogan, whose smile had turned into a grin. “And that grin you’ve got now only confirms what I just said, sir. Still, I’m glad to see you’ve got a friend here. Anything’s better than watching you play verbal volleyball with Klink and the other Krauts.”
“Damn straigh’ it is,” Newkirk added as he frowned. “Bloody Jerry was a righ’ pain in me arse. Glad to see you ditched him in Germany, Guv’nor.”
LeBeau nodded with a scowl. “I agree, Pièrre. I cannot stand the Bosche!”
He looked over at Hogan, who appeared to be upset for some reason. “I am sorry, mon Général, but it is the truth of the matter.”
But Carter shook his head. “I dunno,” he said as he considered everything that had happened to him in the last three years.
“I think most of ‘em could be called Krauts, but not any of the guards working at the camp. Schultz was always good to us, and so was Langenscheidt. Heck, even Klink let us out of the cooler early a lot of the time, you know? He wasn’t that bad. We’ve had a lot worse guys in charge of Stalag 13 before,” he added with a shrug.
“CARTER!” shouted Newkirk, LeBeau and Kinch at the same time, wondering if one of the cave-ins he’d caused with his bombs had given him delayed brain damage at some point.
Knowing how they operated, Hogan held up his hands before a full-scale argument could start up. “*Alright, hold it, hold it!”
He glared at everyone on his team except Carter. Then he decided to point out something to them, something he hadn’t realized himself until about a few minutes ago.
“I think you guys should remember something important when you answer this question, okay?” He didn’t appreciate hearing the slurs against Klink, even if he himself had once used them. But that was then, and this is now, he thought.
“Okay, shoot,” Carter said agreeably.
“I am listening, Général,” replied LeBeau warily, wondering why Hogan was upset.
“Go for it, Guv’nor,” added Newkirk as he raised his eyebrows.
“What’s on your mind, sir?” finished Kinch curiously.
Taking a deep breath, Hogan told them. “I want each of you guys to give one instance – just one, mind you – where Klink or anyone else that actually worked at Stalag 13 ever said a slur of any kind to you. Go,” he finished. If they could come up with one, he’d eat his hat!
“Well, there was tha’ one time…no wait, tha’ was some Gestapo goon,” began Newkirk. “But then…never mind, tha’ was Hochstetter. Damn,” Newkirk said. But then he snapped his fingers and smirked. “I’ve got one! They all called me ‘Englander’. How about tha’ one, Guv’nor?” he asked triumphantly.
Hogan rolled his eyes at the transparent attempt to save face. “I think they were calling you an Englishman in their own way,” he responded. “Got anything else?”
“Er…no, sir,” the British second lieutenant admitted, not looking very happy that he’d failed to think of something.
“Then you’re out,” Hogan said with a smirk, looking at the other three men. “What about any of you guys?”
“Can’t think of one,” Kinch admitted. Stalag 13 had been the only place in Germany where he had been treated equal to everyone else.
“Me neither,” Carter spoke up, the expression on his face unreadable.
“Does ‘Cockroach’ count, Général?” asked the French second lieutenant, figuring he already knew the answer after Newkirk’s attempt to use something similar.
“That’s a reference to your height, so no,” the former senior POW officer replied wearily , massaging his temples. “Now see here, you guys. I’m gonna try and get stationed in Germany to help with the reconstruction efforts. You guys can help if you want to, or you can go elsewhere. God only knows you’re probably sick of the place by now.”
He crossed his arms as he lectured them. “But I do not want to hear any more slurs toward the German people from you guys ever again when I’m around. And that’s an order!” he snapped, feeling oddly irritable today. The master of ceremonies had been very insistent that he accept the second star, despite Hogan repeatedly telling him no. The former senior POW officer had almost clocked him one before he’d backed off.
And before any of Hogan’s men could voice their opinion about that order – or point out that he’d used them as well previously – they heard a low chuckle from the shadows. “You have an interesting group of men under your command, Rob. Very opinionated, and they are not afraid of you in any way. I like it,” said a voice with an American accent.
The remainder of the Unsung Heroes watched in amusement as their commander almost jumped out of his skin and spun around. “Damnmit, don’t do that!” he said testily to the stranger. “You scared the crap out of me!”
“Language, Rob. And I am deeply sorry,” the voice said, sounding anything but sorry. “Do you mind if I come out now?”
“Yeah, you might as well,” the American officer grumbled. Fortunately, his bad mood only lasted until Klink revealed himself. Then he started laughing at the looks on his team members’ faces. He knew why they were surprised. The older man had completely suppressed his German accent, choosing instead to mimic the one Hogan had instead. Apparently, their joke had been successful!
“Andrew,” began Newkirk slowly, “Would you be so kind as to smack me cheek lightly? I believe I migh’ be hallucinatin’.”
“If you are, I’m sharing it with you somehow, buddy,” Carter mumbled, even as he smacked Newkirk upside the head instead. Since the former corporal had done it to him many times, he enjoyed the payback.
“Thanks, Carter. But tha’ was me ‘ead, not me cheek!” the British second lieutenant said heatedly.
“Sorry, Peter,” the young captain smirked. “Too many years of ‘tunnel vision’ from making bombs. A fella can only handle so much of that lifestyle,” he added as he made air quotes with his fingers.
Klink let out an uncharacteristic snort of laughter at the demolition expert’s joke, which made LeBeau speak up.
“Mon Général, is there a reason your friend looks exactly like Klink, yet he speaks as an American would instead?” he demanded, wanting to know what was going on here.
“That’s what I’d like to know,” Kinch added as he stared at Klink. “I mean, he looks like him and all. But something’s different, though I couldn’t tell you what it is. He’s taller, and he comes off as more self-confident when he talks. Klink was shorter than you, sir,” he said with confusion. “And a babbling idiot to boot.”
“Actually, we’re the same height,” Hogan said with amusement. “I just slouch most of the time, and Wilhelm walks stooped over a lot. It’s all an illusion, boys,” he remarked.
“And because that is him. Don’t you guys recognize the general after three years of knowing him?” Hogan asked.
“WILHELM?!” his team repeated at the same time, sounding stunned. They gave each other baffled looks, wondering when Hogan had gotten that friendly with the tall German. They’d sure never been on a first-name basis before!
“Indeed, it is I,” said Klink with a genuine smile, enjoying the results of their prank. “I have never been a dummkopf, Lieutenant Kinchloe. However, I will concur that I often babbled at times. As for self-confidence, I have never been around anyone who valued me just for my company before, without wanting something in return. It is truly refreshing,” he finished with a shrug.
An actual smile wasn’t one they were used to seeing from the former Kommandant, so the other men circled around Hogan to make sure nothing fishy would happen to him. They didn’t trust this new development at all, and it made them wonder if Hogan had finally snapped from the stress of the war.
“But yes, that is what he calls me now. And I call him Rob in return. After all, they are our names, no?” he asked wryly, admiring the way Hogan’s team felt the need to protect him.
“Yeah, but…but your voice,” said Carter weakly as his mind tried to piece the odd situation together.
The older man gave a brisk nod and a sigh as he stooped over like he’d done in the past. Then he walked a short distance from them and back again, moving the way he’d used to when he’d conducted the roll calls.
Letting his German accent resurface as well, he asked, “Does that help your mind to play catch up, Captain Carter?”
“Blimey, it really is the Kommandant,” Newkirk exclaimed, not sure how he felt about what he’d just seen. Even so, he mentally applauded the way the tall German had sounded just like an American. And with the same dialect as Hogan, even. “Tha’ was brilliant though. The way you disguised your voice, I mean,” he reluctantly admitted.
“Danke, Lieutenant Newkirk,” Klink said, sincerely appreciating the compliment. He knew the Englishman didn’t like Germans on principle, and thus he also knew that it probably hurt Newkirk’s pride to even say what he’d said.
“You can all stop crowding around Rob now, if you do not mind,” the German general causally remarked as he looked at the men determined to protect their commanding officer. “I can appreciate the show of support, but I am hardly a threat to him. Or to any of you,” he added.
Right now, he was feeling the same way he had when he’d picked up the envelope from London that night, and the two Americans had been on edge around him.
“I’m sure you can understand if we’re a little hesitant to believe what you’re saying, Kommandant,” Kinch said after a lull in the conversation. “You’re an enemy officer, after all.”
But Klink just shook his head and replied, “I would not say that, Herr Lieutenant. Merely someone trying to make the best of a bad situation and stay alive.”
“By inviting all those goons over constantly?” LeBeau asked heatedly, not buying that flimsy excuse for a minute.
Klink just rolled his eyes and sighed. “Invited them over?! They just showed up most of the time, usually to harass me about one thing or another. Me, not any of you. I would have been perfectly happy to run my camp in peace until the end of the war, gentlemen,” he said adamantly.
Feeling annoyed at having to explain the obvious to Hogan’s men, he managed to keep his temper reigned in as he talked. “But all of you decided to bring every bit of brass in the area to our doorstep! I understand it had to be done,” he said as he held up a hand to silence objections, “but it did make life rather difficult for everyone.”
With a suspicious look on his face, Newkirk repeated, “Our doorstep? Everyone? Now by ‘everyone’, you mean ‘jus’ the prisoners’, righ’?” he inquired as he made air quotes with his hands.
“No Herr Lieutenant, I mean everyone. My guards were just as tense during those visits as the prisoners, possibly more so,” the tall German said.
“As long as Rob here,” he tossed a knowing glance at Hogan, who acted like he didn’t see it, “did not antagonize any of the visitors, you all knew where you stood with them. On the other hand, my men and I had no such luxury,” he countered.
“At any given time, one of us could have been transferred out to the Russian Front for any reason…including me. Or even murdered on the spot, although that last one was very unlikely,” Klink pointed out. “If any of you think for one moment that…Rob, what did you call Major Hochstetter again?” the former Kommandant asked his troublemaker.
“Grumpy the dwarf, Wilhelm,” Hogan supplied with a half-smile, glad that his self-appointed disciplinarian was setting the record straight now so that he didn’t have to later on.
Nodding in thanks, Klink continued what he had been saying before. “Ah yes, thank you Rob.”
He looked at Hogan’s men. “Anyhow, if any of you think for one moment that Grumpy the dwarf would not have happily shot me dead where I stood, then none of you were paying close attention. I would not have put it past him to make me become a prisoner in my own camp just for the sake of irony either.”
There was a long silence as the former prisoners contemplated those words. Then it was broken by Kinch as he clapped his hands. “You guys, I think we need to have a talk.”
The radioman looked around him and added, “Over there looks pretty good. Come on, Carter. Newkirk, LeBeau, you guys come too. And I guess you as well if you’d like, General Hogan.”
“How very touching. I get added on to a meeting of my team as a last resort,” said Hogan with a sigh.
Even so, he began to follow the others across the room, stopping only when he saw Carter hadn’t moved. “You coming over here or what, Carter?” he asked.
“With all due respect, I’m gonna sit this one out, boy…I mean, sir,” the American captain said. “I’m not the one Kinch has gotta talk to.”
At the questioning look he received, he added firmly, “Please go with them. I’d like to talk to Kommandant Klink alone for a few minutes, sir.”
Unused to the firm tone from the usually jovial Carter, Hogan nodded before joining the group across the room. Andrew waited until they were alone to turn and face the German general. “Sorry about that, Kommandant. General Hogan’s the type of fella who can be awfully stubborn, you know?”
Klink could feel a half-smile appear on his face as he said, “So I have noticed, Captain Carter. And I appreciate your kind words earlier. But what did you wish to speak to me about?”
And that is the understatement of the century, he thought. He was wondering what could be so important that the youngest member of Hogan’s team had sent his commanding officer and friends away to talk with him privately.
“Well, I made something for you, Kommandant,” the demolitions expert began hesitantly. “I was just gonna give it to you after the war to remember us by, but now it’s a congratulations gift instead. You know, on making general and all. But it’s also my way of saying thanks for standing up for us when we needed your help. There were a few times when you were all that stood between us and the Gestapo. And I wanted to give it to you in private, ‘cause I didn’t want you to think it was just because I made something for General Hogan and felt bad for you. I wanted it to be special, sir.”
He pulled out a piece of carefully folded paper out of his uniform pocket and began to unfold it. “Anyway, I didn’t know you’d be here and all, so I was gonna ask General Hogan to give me your address so I could mail it to you. Or maybe just ask him to give it to you instead. But I drew this for you, ‘cause I remembered how happy you looked and stuff a few times before. And I remembered how the general sometimes looked too at those times, so I just recreated everything from memory. Here,” Andrew finished as he handed the German officer the paper.
Klink took it, not quite certain what to expect after that rambling explanation. He looked at what Carter had drawn on the paper and began to laugh.
“Carter, this is marvelous! It almost looks like a photo,” he said with a grin. “How in the world did you manage to draw this? You have some extraordinary talent,” he added.
The drawing was on a thick canvas paper, the kind that wasn’t cheap. On it was a drawing of Klink and Hogan in the Kommandtur. In the picture, Klink was leaning back in his desk chair with his arms crossed and smiling smugly. Hogan was in the picture as well, but he was in his usual chair in front of the desk. His arms were crossed and he was obviously sulking. They were both in their old uniforms that showed they were colonels, and on the bottom right hand corner, Carter had signed ‘Sergeant Andrew J. Carter’.
“Gee, thanks…and it’s just something I can do,” the young officer said with a shrug. “But if you like it, then why are you laughing?” he asked in a confused voice.
“I made this before I got promoted, by the way. It wasn’t a mistake how I signed my name,” he added defensively.
“I suspected that much when I saw the rank you had written,” Klink said gently as he explained why he’d been laughing.
“No, I was amused because you have captured Rob’s expression perfectly. He looks like a child who was told ‘no’, which is how he would always look whenever he was dealing with me. Or at least, he did during the few times he was not able to persuade me into doing whatever it was he wanted that day.”
The older man studied the paper anew, admiring the detailed artwork once more before carefully folding it up again. “I am going to frame this, you know,” he told the American captain. “It will hang in my living room once I get that far.”
His truthful response made Carter beam like the sun. “Really?” he asked excitedly. “Golly, that’s swell! Thank you,” he replied. “I just remember that you always seemed really happy whenever you one-upped General Hogan, and I wanted you to remember those times. Like a happy memory,” he suggested.
“Very true,” Klink agreed as he put the paper into his uniform pocket. “Thank you again for such a wonderful present.”
“You’re welcome, Kommandant,” Carter said.
For a moment, neither of them said anything at all. Both of them were too busy watching Hogan across the room. Then Andrew spoke again, and his next words were completely unexpected.

The bombshell…
“General Hogan likes you, Kommandant Klink. I hope you know that,” Andrew said suddenly as they watched the impromptu meeting across the room break up.
“Well yes, of course. We are friends, Herr Captain,” responded Klink as he was wondering where that peculiar statement had come from. “Generally, you like someone if they are a friend.”
“True, but that’s not what I’m saying,” the demolitions expert said patiently as he turned to look at the tall German. He knew his next words were going to sound bizarre, but he also knew how to read body language like a pro. It was yet again something else his team assumed he was too stupid to do correctly.
“He like-likes you. Like a fella would like a woman, sir. He might even love you. I can see it on his face every time he looks at you when he thinks you’re not looking. Heck, I can see it now on your face too,” Andrew said calmly, unruffled by the verbal bomb he’d just dropped.
If Klink had been wearing his monocle at the time, it would have fallen out in shock. “What? I…what are you…that is preposterous, Captain Carter!” he exclaimed as his brat came back into earshot. “It is utterly absurd!”
“What’s absurd, Wilhelm?” the American general inquired as he, Kinch, LeBeau and Newkirk rejoined the two other men.
“Your captain is absolutely mad, R-Rob!” Klink stated, sounding exceedingly agitated as he tried to both explain and avoid thinking about what he’d just been told at the same time. “He has just informed me that he thinks that you…that you…l-like me the way a man does a w-woman! Or that you might possibly l-love me instead!”
Unfortunately for Klink, his traitorous mind was busy conjuring up images of what that could be like. Some were even of the adult variety, and it caused him to blush a deep red.
“Huh?” asked Hogan stupidly.
The bold statement caught him completely off guard. Nothing had done that since he’d been an enlisted man long ago, and it caused him to glare at the young officer. “W-where did you get that idea, Carter?” he demanded, sounding flustered himself as he too blushed a deep red.
His own mind was also showing him every type of image under the sun of the two of them, from kid friendly all the way up a definite ‘adults only’ rating. Hogan had been trying to stomp them down for a while now, and this wasn’t helping! “I-I like women! And W-Wilhelm’s not a woman. How could I like h-him like that?”
His team had witnessed the exchange, noticing how both of them blushed and avoided looking at the other one during the entire discussion. And both generals were stammering, something that neither of them did as a rule. There was only one thing that surprised them…and that was the amount of time it had taken for this to happen.
“Told you so,” Newkirk said, sounding altogether too smug for his friends’ liking. “Look at the two of ‘em, stammerin’ like tha’ and blushin’. Ain’t neither one of ‘em had a stammerin’ problem before today, and the blushin’ speaks for itself. You lot owe me five dollars each.”
“Yeah, yeah,” complained LeBeau as he reached for his wallet. “How could I have known I would lose that bet, mon ami? It seemed like a sure win.”
“Louis, me mate, I never bet on anythin’ tha’ ain’t a sure thing,” replied Newkirk as he held out a hand to take the money and looked at Kinch. “C’mon Kinch, pay up mate.”
“You got lucky, Peter. We should’ve placed a time frame on it though. And Carter placed a bet too!” grumbled the first lieutenant. He wasn’t about to let his friend back out of the deal if he had to fork over the money. Fair was fair!
“Yeah, but in the spirit of generosity an’ all – and because Carter called it – I’m goin’ to let ‘im off the ‘ook,” the British second lieutenant told him. “We’re square, Andrew. Don’t worry abou’ payin’ me.”
“Golly, thanks Newkirk!” remarked Carter with a grin.
The two generals finally managed to stop blushing as they watched the bizarre exchange. “Excuse me, but what the he – heck are you guys doing?” Hogan demanded to know, even as he censored what he’d been planning to say.
“Were you guys…were you guys taking bets on if I was in love with Wilhelm?” he asked in a scandalized tone of voice.
“That is what I would like to know as well!” chimed in Klink, still sounding highly affronted.
“Well, sure we were, Guv’nor,” Newkirk said cheekily. “I’ve been bidin’ me time for the las’ year or so now. I could see the writin’ on the wall, you know.”
“It’s kinda obvious the way you two look at each other, sir,” Kinch said.
“And I think Carter’s right on both counts,” he said to Newkirk and LeBeau. “It might’ve started out as a simple ‘like’, but that’s not the case anymore. They love each other!”
“For crying out loud Kinch, that’s not true!” Hogan tried to protest. “And even if I did, being a homosexual is illegal. I would be dishonorably discharged from the military and my career would be trashed. So would Wilhelm’s, for that matter,” he added.
Klink nodded silently next to him, loath to stick his foot in his mouth. He would let Hogan handle his men for the moment. It wasn’t his place to do that anyways.
Carter replied, “Gee, Kinch didn’t say it was legal for you fellas to be in love each other. He only said that you were. Love can’t be determined or boxed in by the law, sir.”
“You know, now tha’ I think abou’ it,” began Newkirk, “tha’ explains their constant rows. And it also explains why General Hogan liked visitin’ the Kommandant to ‘ave them bleedin’ rows so much. The Guv’nor fancied ‘im!” he said with a knowing look at the rest of the team.
“Oui,” agreed LeBeau. “I’m French. Believe me, I know l’amour when I see it. And the couples who fight the most with each other are the ones who are the most in love.”
Then Carter decided to speak up again. “And besides, General, you sure went above and beyond the needs of the operation to keep Kommandant Klink happy, boy…I mean, sir. But you should still do whatever it is you fellas are gonna do. We just don’t want you to think you have to hide it from us.”
“It even explains why the Guv’nor was always upse’ whenever Kommandant Klink was depressed as well,” Newkirk interjected. “Became a righ’ mother ‘en, he did.”
“I’m sorry, what are you trying to imply…Corporal Newkirk?” Hogan asked in a warning tone. “I’ve never been a mother hen when Wilhelm was depressed! You’re as crazy as you always say I am.” When did I lose control of this conversation?
But the British lieutenant knew Hogan wasn’t serious about demoting him, not after making sure he’d been promoted. So he kept on talking.
“Guv’nor, any time you knew Kommandant Klink was anythin’ other than ‘appy, you did everythin’ but sprint over to ‘is quarters to see for yourself tha’ ‘e was okay. You’d stay ou’ real late too, sometimes not showin’ up in the barracks until an ‘our before roll call. And when you came back, you were always walkin’ funny for a few days,” Newkirk pointed out.
“I’m no’ judgin’ you’ sir. None of us are. We jus’ wan’ you to know tha’ we’re no’ stupid. A man doesn’t walk funny like tha’ unless ‘e ‘urt ‘is bum somehow. It doesn’t take tha’ much figurin’ out to piece it all together, sir,” the Englishman added.
“Yes, and we won’t tell anybody,” promised LeBeau. “But Pièrre is right. A man’s behind does not bother him for no reason, mon Général, and certainly not that often. None of us bought that ‘muscle strengthening exercise’ excuse you gave us, especially as the few times that you forgot yourself and sat down, you hissed in pain. Now why would you be in pain if you were only standing up frequently and nothing else, Général? Non, it does not make any sense.”
The little Frenchman was grinning as he talked. “And coincidentally, your pain always seemed to happen after a late night visit to le Commandant’s quarters. The four of us could all tell that you and the Kommandant had been … Dormir ensemble. I cannot remember the term in English, but you know…avoir des relations sexuelles.”
“LeBeau! That’s not the case. You’re so far off the mark it’s not even funny,” the former senior POW officer argued.
Damnmit! I knew they were accepting that flimsy excuse too easily all this time! Still, at least they hadn’t guessed the real reason for his consistently sore rear end. Hogan supposed he should be grateful for that much.
Meanwhile, Klink had been following along with the conversation silently. He wasn’t happy about it in any way, but at least he’d been able to understand it while they’d been speaking in English. Then the French second lieutenant had lapsed into his native tongue, and the German officer didn’t speak any French at all.
Even if he had, the phrases had come out too quickly for him to translate inside his head. He could bluff his way through very simple words, but that was only by guessing. However, it seemed that his troublemaker understood the language just fine.
So Klink tapped the younger general on his shoulder and asked, “What did he just say in French?”
Yet Hogan just shook his head as he began to blush again. “Trust me, you don’t want to know,” he muttered as the terms put more unwanted thoughts into his head.
He’d wanted another warm shower tonight after three years of cold ones, but at the moment it was looking like he was headed back to the old stand-by. That was when Newkirk decided to be helpful for a change by translating. Much to Klink’s horror, the translation was anything but helpful to his sanity.
“Louis says you two have been having a go at each other,” he said with a wicked smirk. “You know, shagging. Buggering.”
Rolling his eyes, Kinch added, “The phrases actually translate to ‘sleeping together’ and ‘having sex’. Obviously with each other, mind you,” he said, giving his two friends the evil eye for making things difficult.
After hearing the translations, including Newkirk’s more vulgar ones, Klink shook his head and looked at Hogan. “You were correct. I did not want to know,” he whispered in his troublemaker’s ear.
“Told you so,” Hogan whispered back, giving the snarky Englishman a dirty look. “Thanks a heap, Newkirk!”
“Oh, you’re welcome,” the British lieutenant said agreeably.
“Robert?” inquired Klink in a normal voice, feeling as if he needed to get away from the base very soon. “How do you feel about going back to Stalag 13 for some peace and quiet?”
With a sigh, Hogan replied, “It’s looking better and better by the minute. But we’d have a hard time eating with no food. And we’ve got no way to get any of it either. Not to mention the lack of supplies.”
“Yeah, but there won’t be any peace and quiet after you two show up again,” chuckled Carter. After that, he handed something to Newkirk and whispered in his ear.
“Look at tha’, gents, we get a show!” Newkirk teased as he pocketed what Carter had given him to give to Hogan. “They’re goin’ to snog in fron’ of us!”
Klink leaned close to his brat’s ear again and whispered, “Rob, get us out of here before either of us lets the truth slip out.”
“Why me? You do it!” Hogan whispered back. He was red as a beet from blushing by now.
“Because they are your men, Robert!” Klink hissed, the red in his pale cheeks creating an unusual contrast.
“Fine, fine!” Hogan hissed back, trying to think how he was going to do this.
Finally, he gave them all a glare as he spoke. “I’m glad you guys think this is the comedy hour, but the show’s over. Wilhelm and I need to leave. We’ve both got a headache from all of this, and we’re going to head back to our hotel room now to take some aspirin before sleeping it off.”
“Ooh la la! They’re sharing a room already,” LeBeau teased, a knowing smile on his face.
Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Newkirk silently move to their commander’s side and slip two pieces of paper into the American general’s uniform jacket. Seeing as Newkirk was an accomplished pickpocket, he was able to both remove and insert items on someone’s person at will.
Due to both that and the fact that Hogan was distracted, he didn’t even notice it. He didn’t notice Newkirk move back to where he had been either.
“I’ll just bet they’ll be sleeping something off, but it won’t be a headache. You sure do move fast, General Hogan,” commented Kinch with a grin.
Wholly unamused by the good-natured joking around, Klink had had more than enough teasing from his brat’s team. He grabbed Hogan’s hand and began marching away, snapping a quick, “Goodbye, gentlemen!” over his shoulders as he dragged the younger officer with him.
To no one’s surprise, Hogan let himself be pulled along by Klink. “Goodbye, Newkirk, Carter, LeBeau and Kinch!” At some point, both men began out-and-out running toward the exit instead.
“Goodbye, General Hogan!” they called out, waving and watching the two men disappear.
“The Guv’nor can’t wait to get ol’ Klink alone in their ‘otel room. ‘Eadache, me arse. Or rather, ‘is,” said Newkirk with a dirty laugh.
“That right there is true l’amour,” sighed LeBeau. He was happy for his commanding officer, even if his choice of partner was a bit strange.
“Hey, this a kinda a good thing if you really think about it. That General Hogan swings that way, I mean,” Carter said slowly.
Kinch gave the young captain a quizzical look. “Why’s that, Andrew?”
Carter grinned his usual goofy grin. “Because when it comes to women, now there’s less competition for the rest of us!”
That caused everyone to laugh, and the topic turned to what they were going to do with their lives from now on as they left the base too.

More secrets…
“I’ve never been so embarrassed in my entire life,” groaned Hogan from the driver’s seat of the parked car as he covered his face with his hands. He’d been blushing ever since they’d ran to the car and left the base, probably breaking the speed limit along the way.
Hogan was sure that much continuous blood pooling in his cheeks couldn’t be good for his health, but damn! His men had obviously gotten great pleasure out of teasing the two of them. He didn’t begrudge them some fun, but he wished they’d found somebody other than him and Klink to pick on.
“You think you were embarrassed, Rob?” asked Klink incredulously. “Those are not my men. All I could do was stand by and listen to them, merely waiting for you to step in. I had no control over the situation at all!”
After his troublemaker had driven like the hounds of hell were after them, the tall German had requested Hogan to find an upscale department store. “The kind that has a little bit of everything, not a men’s only one,” he’d said.
And that’s where they were now, trying to compose themselves. Neither one had said a single word to each other on the drive after Klink had made his request, too mortified from the teasing to speak to each other. The German general had been distressed enough that he hadn’t even cared if Hogan drove, so long as he got them out of there!
“And you think that I somehow did?” Hogan demanded hotly as he moved his hands away from his face. “I can’t help it they all took an innocent observation and ran with it like that. Even if it was one hundred percent incorrect.”
That was probably the biggest lie he’d told yet, but there was no way he could say anything else. Not after that fiasco. Actually, not ever. Like he’d told Kinch, homosexuality was illegal and would cost him his career. Besides that, Klink had shown no signs of returning his feelings. Not that there were any to return, mind you.
“True,” Klink admitted with a sigh as he looked at Hogan. “So to be clear, because I do not want things to become awkward between us: you only like me as a friend, correct?”
He halfway wanted the answer to be a ‘no, more than that’, but he sensed that wasn’t going to happen.
“You got it. Only as a friend,” Hogan said, feeling like a metal door had forever closed off an opportunity to him.
“And we are only sharing a room because it is cost-effective, correct?” asked Klink. He felt like he’d just lost something precious for some reason, but he wasn’t sure why.
“Yep,” replied Hogan again. “They’re all bonkers, and I don’t ever want to talk about it again.”
“I fully agree, but I was just making sure,” Klink responded.
He looked up at the department store his brat had found. “So, this place sells a little of everything, yes?” he asked, changing the subject.
“Harrod’s? Oh yeah,” the American responded. “It’s way too ritzy for my tastes, but it’s what you asked me to find. Besides, it’s the only place in the United Kingdom that still sells anything but uniforms,” he said proudly. “So, why are we here?”
“You mean other than the fact that I enjoy window shopping?” asked Klink with amusement.
“Yeah, besides…wait, what?” Hogan asked in a bewildered tone. “You like to window shop?”
“Why are you staring at me like that? It is a perfectly acceptable pastime,” the older man said defensively.
“Okay, Wilhelm. Whatever you say,” said his brat with a laugh. “But yeah, besides that. I didn’t think you had any money besides the camp budget. I’m telling you right now that Reichsmarks are just as useless here as they are in Germany. Maybe even worse.”
“How does something become worse than useless?” pondered Klink before he shook his head. “Never mind, that is not important right now. The important thing is that I was not aware I had any money either until earlier today.”
He shrugged and added, “But now I have British pounds that I can spend. The problem is, I am not up-to-date on the latest prices of things, and I do not fully understand the different amounts of money in pounds. However, I was told it was quite a lot, so –”
“Hold on, just where did you get British pounds?” interrupted Hogan. “We haven’t been to any banks since we got here.”
This he wanted to hear. What had his Kommandant gotten himself into now? “For that matter, who was handing out money? And what did they tell you was considered ‘a lot’?”
The German general gave him a dirty look. “Insolent, rude brat,” he grumbled. “You are always so impatient. I simply cannot take you anywhere, Robert.”
“Oh, you know you love it. Don’t kid yourself,” Hogan teased.
“Hmmph,” said Klink as he crossed his arms in annoyance, even as a half-smile appeared. “I got them while you were having your promotion ceremony. The person who requested my presence wanted me to miss your ceremony, but I told their messenger that whatever it was would keep until said ceremony was through.”
Sighing, Klink continued. “The messenger kept insisting that I go with them, and finally we came to a compromise. I was able to see you ‘officially’ get your one star, but then I had to leave. While that made me rather upset, it worked out well in the end,” he added.
Cocking his head, the American asked, “How’d you figure that?”
With a sigh, Klink looked embarrassed as he spoke. “Well, I knew the money I had was no good. For better or worse, I am completely broke. I needed a way to get some local currency, and I figured I had to do something if I wanted to accomplish that goal. So I thought maybe while I was at the base, I –”
“Oh no,” groaned Hogan, not liking where this was going.
“– would see if there were any jobs I could do to earn some money. Not a lot for any one task, mind you. But numerous little tasks, until I had enough to do what I wanted to do,” The tall German continued, ignoring the interruption.
“I had already figured they would be rather distasteful, but such is life. Not all jobs are pleasant ones,” he added.
Rubbing his temples and sighing, Hogan said wearily, “Wilhelm, please just tell me what you were trying to do.”
“I wanted to buy you a present, Rob,” explained Klink patiently. “You have done so much for me, and I only wanted to show you my appreciation. You told me on the plane ride here that you had intentions of seeing your family again, yes?”
“I…well, yeah,” Hogan managed to say. He felt like he’d lost control of the conversation for the second time that day. “But –”
“– you need something nice to wear,” the German general finished firmly. “It would not do for you to show up looking like an uncultured savage. You have not seen your family in years. I should think that you would want to look nice. And you need dress clothes to do that.”
“But we’re the same size!” Hogan protested weakly. “Besides, there’s a dress shirt in the duffel back at the hotel. I can’t stand dress clothes of any kind! Wearing them makes me itch, which in turns drives me friggin’ nuts.”
He hated places like this with a fashion, he always had. His family was well-off, so he’d had to wear dress clothes a lot growing up. Whenever his family had attended some social event, he’d been forcibly stuffed into an uncomfortable fancy outfit.
A dress shirt, jacket, pants, shoes, a tie…everything you could think of. It was why he’d rebelled and hung out with hoodlums, because nobody expected him to be anything other than himself. And as a bonus, he could wear whatever the hell he wanted.
“Yes, that is precisely my point. There is a dress shirt, meaning one. I will have to wear something nice too, you know,” the older man pointed out.
A depressing thought occurred to him before he added quietly, “I thought…oh, never mind. It was a silly hope. I suppose all good things must come to an end,” Klink said sadly, unable to keep a gloomy expression from crossing his face.
“Grrrr,” Hogan growled, wanting to shake the older man for talking in circles. “What’s wrong with you now? You look like I just told you I was leaving you behind in London!”
A silent, sad look was his only answer, causing the American general to facepalm.
“For fuck’s sake, Wilhelm! I’m not leaving you behind. If I’d wanted to do that, I would have left you back in Germany,” he pointed out. “I would never just leave somebody stranded in an unknown country. Or in your case, a relatively unknown country. Geez!”
What’s with the people around me and not being able to figure out the obvious today? he wondered.
“You go wherever I go. We’re a package deal, and if someone won’t let you go with me somewhere, it’s obviously not that important to them that I be there. That’s how it’s going to stay too until you tell me something different,” Hogan declared, hating the betrayed expression on his self-appointed disciplinarian’s face.
“Language, Rob,” Klink said, feeling slightly cheered up. “And if I should decide otherwise at some point?” he asked, testing the waters.
“Then I continuously nag you until you change your mind back to the original plan again,” Hogan said cheerfully, nudging Klink’s shoulder with a chuckle.
“You would, Rob,” replied Klink, rolling his eyes as he nudged his brat back. Hogan never failed to make him smile with his stubbornness and eternal optimism. It was a refreshing quality the former Kommandant found very endearing.
“You’re right, I sure would. I’m telling you, you’re stuck with me,” Hogan said agreeably. “And no matter where you live, I’ll find you and come visit. I can find anyone, anywhere in the world.”
Sighing, Klink responded, “Except for my family, it would seem.”
Hogan hadn’t given him any word on that situation, and he feared the worst by now. His troublemaker turned his head away, intending on looking out the window until he could manage a schooled expression. Yet not quickly enough, for Klink had seen the ‘Crap, I’m caught’ look on his face.
After seeing that expression, Klink was fighting the urge to drive Hogan back to the hotel and give him a sound spanking, despite everything else that was happening so far. “Robert, is there something else you forgot to mention to me previously? Perhaps something you would like to inform me of right now?” he asked slowly.
“Um…I know nothing?” offered Hogan hesitantly, imitating Schultz and continuing to look out the window guiltily. Aw, hell. Busted!
“Perhaps you did not hear the question properly,” Klink said irritably before he repeated the question. “Is. There. Something. Else. You. Would. Like. To. Inform. Me. Of. Right. Now?” He made sure to place a pause between each word, trying to make sure the younger officer got the hint. “I saw the look you just had on your face, so do not lie to me.”
“Okay, okay!” said his brat hastily as he held up his hands in surrender. “Your mom is alive. So are your nephews and your brother. They all live at your mom’s house, and they seemed to be doing okay when I talked to them.”
Hogan could see the thunderous look on Klink’s face and swallowed hard. “I didn’t tell her who I was when I talked to her on the phone. I just said I was a friend of yours. And I used the German accent you’ve heard me use, because I thought you should tell her about me. I mean, if you tell her about me,” he amended.
Shit, this wasn’t the way Klink was supposed to find out! “Our stuff actually was sent to your mom’s house via a courier, seeing as she said she’d be glad to hold onto it. Oh, and she’s happy you’re alive and well. That’s everything I can think of, I swear! I don’t have any more secrets.”
There were a few minutes of heavy silence, and with each passing minute the American squirmed more and more in his seat. He’d just wanted the German officer to be able to enjoy a vacation for once without having to worry about anything else!
Clearly, that had been the wrong call. He was debating if begging for forgiveness on his knees again once they were back in the hotel room might help his case somehow. While Hogan wasn’t sure if it would this time, it’d worked before!
And that’s when the tall German finally spoke. “Are you certain? Are you absolutely certain about that this time around, Robert?” snapped Klink. “Because you make it very difficult for me to believe a word you say! Every time you tell me you are no longer hiding something from me, it turns out to be a lie!”
What had possessed his troublemaker to think that sort of information wasn’t important? What had he been thinking? Actually, never mind. Klink really didn’t want to know. It would most likely only make him more upset.
“Yes, yes! That’s literally everything I can think of,” promised Hogan. He was still squirming uncomfortably, trying to make sure they cleared the air.
“Well, that and the fact I almost clocked a guy for insisting I had to become a two-star general. But I didn’t actually do it, so it’s okay. I did tell him ‘no’ repeatedly, but he kept bugging me about it anyway,” the younger general admitted.
Hogan didn’t want or need any more lies between them. Like everything else always did, that little bit of information was bound to come out eventually as well. So he figured it was best to just admit it now. “I’m not sure if that counts as a secret, but –”
“Fine…wait a just moment. You denied the opportunity to receive a promotion as well?” inquired Klink with a sigh, mentally adding everything he’d been told to the list of transgressions his brat was racking up.
“I have no idea what I am going to do with you, Robert. I really do not. And stop that squirming, unless you want me to give you a reason to be sitting uncomfortably!” he added to his former senior POW officer. “It is very annoying to watch.”
“Yes, sir,” Hogan replied obediently, managing to cease what he was doing. The silence hung in the air for another few minutes, until he felt brave enough to speak again.
“So…you were telling me how you wanted to earn some money, but it turned out you didn’t have to?” he prompted, trying to steer the conversation back into safe waters.
“Oh, of course,” the older man said with a nod and a final glare at Hogan. “So I thought I would look for jobs to do to earn British currency after your ceremony. But then a British corporal came up to me and asked me to follow him. I asked the corporal why, and he said that General Tillman Walters wanted to see me. When I got there, the man looked familiar to me somehow. He also stated he knew who I was, but I do not know anyone by that name, Robert,” he said in confusion.
“Yeah you do. But you know him as Corporal Walter Tillman. You know, the firebug you had transferred to a different stalag,” Hogan supplied, watching the recognition dawn on Klink’s face.
“Oh yes, I remember him,” said Klink with a snap of his long fingers. “Anyway, he handed me a stack of British pounds. He said it was my backpay, whatever that means. He also said that it was considered a lot of money, and he told me that I need to open a bank account to receive further paychecks as well. Finally, General Walters said it was your idea, Robert. I –”
“Sorry to interrupt you, sir, but it wasn’t me. I’ve told you everything I’ve done!” Hogan said hastily. “Whatever he did or didn’t do, I’ve got zero knowledge of it. That I can guarantee.”
He figured he’d better cut that line of questioning off at the pass before anything else got tacked on to his eventual spanking. “So what does he consider ‘a lot of money’?”
When Klink named the figure, Hogan’s jaw dropped open. “Holy shit. That’s not a lot of money, that’s more like he had Alfie the Artist rob the Bank of England,” the American general breathed. “He must really like you!”
“Language, Rob. And I suppose so,” Klink allowed as a ‘nasty-happy’ smile crossed his lips. “Which brings me to a suitable punishment…for now.”
Hogan looked around them, wondering what that meant. “For now? And right here, sir?” he asked in confusion.
He knew what Klink usually considered a punishment, but they were in public! The ‘for now’ part wasn’t overly encouraging either.
“Oh yes, my little brat. For now. Do not delude yourself into thinking you will be getting out of what is coming to you that easily. That is, when we have both the time and the privacy to take care of the matter. But this will have to suffice for the moment,” the tall German said, enjoying the dismayed look on Hogan’s face.
“It was supposed to be a pleasant thing, you know. A nice gift for you. But as you have now told me that you despise any sort of dress clothes, we are going to go in that store and shop. And you, my dear Robert, are going to both pick out and try on different clothing items. We will continue to do so until I have decided upon the perfect thing for you to wear when we see your parents. And I am very picky, so expect it to take a few hours,” Klink added with a smirk.
“Of course, it will be an entire outfit. Not just a dress shirt,” he added smugly.
“You can’t be serious,” replied Hogan sulkily. “That’s cruel and unusual punishment!” Though he had to give Klink credit, the German officer knew how to get creative with such things.
“I assure you that I am quite serious, my troublemaker,” Klink said with a nod. “Now, get out of the car and march your behind in there,” he said, pointing at the store.
“Seriously? Please, no. Don’t make me do that,” Hogan pleaded, his gaze shifting between Klink and the storefront. “I’m telling you, I absolutely hate places like this. Sir, please!”
With a raised eyebrow, Klink looked at his troublemaker and made a repeated swatting motion with his hand silently. “You heard what I have said. Move it, young man!” he ordered as he successfully avoided smiling.
Hogan had such a sullen look on his face! One might have thought he’d been asked to do the most distasteful job in existence instead of go shopping, because he was so not happy.
“The things I do for you,” the American officer grumbled as he got out of the car and shut the door. As Klink got out as well, he shut the door and jerked his head toward the building.
“Come on, Robert. The sooner we go in, the sooner we come out,” said Klink, using an annoyingly cheerful tone on purpose.
“You’re a terrible person and I hate you,” the younger officer grumbled as they neared the door. Sometimes he wondered how he got himself into these messes!
“But you know you love me anyhow.” responded Klink, parroting his brat’s words from earlier. “And you do not hate me, you merely hate being corrected.”
He grabbed the door and held it open, making sure that Hogan had to enter the building first. Personally, Klink had always loved high-end stores like this, even if he didn’t often get to visit them.
“I’m beginning to doubt both of those statements,” was the last thing Hogan said before he reluctantly entered the store, the older man right on his heels. He only hoped he could find something suitable, and fast!

A/N: The original name was ‘Hreodbeorht’ and has been around since the 7th century/600s, when Old English/Anglo-Saxon was spoken. In the 13th century/1200s, the Vikings introduced the name ‘Hrodebert’ and it replaced the previous version. When the name became popular in Continental Europe, the Old French derivative ‘Robert’ was born and has been used ever since.
Werner Klemperer was able to do many things with his accent, from dialing it up to be a lot stronger than he normally did (as you can hear him do in the pilot of the show) to suppressing it completely (like he did in the 1957 movie ‘Kiss Them For Me’.)
I was referencing the pilot, in which Carter is shown to be a lieutenant. Since they didn’t say which one, I made him originally be a second lieutenant.
A second lieutenant is one rank above a sergeant…followed by a first lieutenant and then a captain. After everything they did, the boys got well-deserved promotions. Unfortunately, due to discrimination at the time (and the fact that he wasn’t able to leave camp to do much due to his skin color) Kinch was only promoted one rank instead of two. I still like Kinch though! :)
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