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The Thirteenth Step	By : ExOnEv Category: 1 through F > Criminal Minds Views: 4503 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any characters wherein. No monetary gain for me from writing this, just beautiful and tragic moments in my mind's eye.

Chapter List
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Reid realized something. He could hear nothing but the silence. The more he focused on it, the louder it became. It was like white noise… white noise with a pulse. His pulse. He couldn't ignore it. That would have been an impossible feat, but he tried and that only made it worse. His body began to betray him again. His heart continued pounding hard against his rib cage while every breath he took felt thinner than the one before it. His stomach started tying itself into knots and he couldn't believe just how beyond scared he was. Reid wasn't dealing with an unsub here. This was Morgan. This meant more than outwitting a criminal or jumping into the path of a bullet, so scared was not the best word to describe how Reid was feeling in this moment. This was a moment that felt like hours that felt that days that felt like weeks. This moment was petrifying and excruciating. It was all he could do to maintain eye contact with Morgan and not jump out of his own skin.
Why wasn't Morgan saying anything?
Reid swallowed hard against his dry throat as he watched his friend very carefully. The distance between them grew as Morgan began to step back. And though he had only taken a couple paces, Reid's ego plummeted and he struggled to hide it in his face. He closed his mouth tight and began biting his lips from the inside. He could feel his eyes getting wet. His fingers rubbed against his thumbs when his fists weren't gripping tightly onto something that wasn't there.
"C- Can you please say something?" Reid asked, he begged.
Morgan turned away and clasped his hands on top of his head. Reid stared at his dark grey slacks and noted his very thin red sweater. He looked good. He always looked so good.. "Reid, Reid, Reid…" Morgan whispered at the wall. That snapped Reid back into the moment. Shaking his head, Morgan turned around to meet Reid's eyes again. "I don't know what you want me to say, man."
They stood in silence for several more minutes. All of Reid's sweat glands were working overtime now and he felt like he could overheat at any moment. He could feel the moisture at his hair line. "Well…" Reid gulped. He stepped to the counter next to Morgan who blatantly measured the close space between their arms with his eyes.
Morgan thought maybe, just maybe he had misunderstood. "What do you mean? I mean- what exactly do you mean?" he had to ask. Reid needed to be crystal clear on this. Morgan watched while he waited for a response. Reid was staring down at his own fingers on the counter. "Reid, hey, look at me."
Reid turned his entire body to face Morgan, his eyes shifting nervously, but he wasn't able to actually look at Morgan. He felt like such a child, like he had done something wrong. He quickly tried to think back to a time he had taken such a risk that left him feeling this way. He couldn't recall any such time. He couldn't recall a moment when loving someone hurt. Not like this.
"I have…" Reid started. His voice was weak and unsure. His eyebrows came together as he swallowed. Reid wanted to just say the words. It was more difficult than his imagination had ever led him to believe. "I uhh, I have feelings for you." He looked away again, only to stare at the pattern on the floor. He began to cling to the irrational thought that if he could lose himself in that pattern, he would wake up from this paralyzing dream.
Morgan's eyebrows rose and his lips had parted as his tongue licked at the back of his lower center teeth. Well, there was no way to misunderstand that. His jaw clenched. Before Morgan could even process this, the investigator in him needed to know more. He took a deep breath and forced his reaction to the back burner. He looked at Reid again and saw that he was zoning out. He snapped his fingers once in front of Reid's tunnel vision towards the floor. "You with me?" He waited for Reid to look at him again. "When did this start?" Morgan seemed ready to hear it, ready to listen.
"When I woke up in the hospital and you were eating my jello." A slight smile formed on Reid's lips. That was a happy memory.
Morgan thought back…"That was a long time ago, Reid. Why did you wait so long to say anything?"
"I was confused. I wanted to be sure." His statements had the lingering of question marks behind them.
"You do realize I'm not gay, right?"
"I'm not either," Reid nearly rolled his eyes at himself thinking that must have sounded ridiculous to Morgan. "I don't look at you and think about you as a lover... not all the time anyway." He paused, not sure what to expect in response to what he had just said. "I, uhh… I don't know. What I feel goes deeper than that."
Morgan looked at his fist and forced his hand to open. He had been diggin' into his own flesh with his fingernails. Old memories became bright and vivid for him as he stood there with Reid. Morgan saw himself as the kid he used to be, scared, but trying and all the darkness he felt so trapped in. Reid turned to look at Morgan because he’d been quiet for too long. When he really watched him, his brow came together as he could see something change in Morgan. It was like hostility had emerged from some dark place inside Morgan and he could actually feel a wall go up, separating them. "I'm really sorry to burst your bubble, man, but it ain't ever gonna happen." Morgan pushed off the counter and looked at his watch. "I gotta go."
That happened too fast. Way too fast. "Wait!" Reid had a fight or flight response and grabbed Morgan's arm as he began to walk away. "Please, Morgan. Stay and talk to me," Reid's eyes begged of him. "You always said I could talk to you about anything."
With anger painting hard lines on his face, Morgan ripped his arm from Reid's grasp, leaving Reid frozen in place with both hands up, palms out, not daring to touch him again. "NO!" His tone both surprised and scared Reid. "You don't get to do that, Reid."
Reid's Adam's apple bobbed up and down his throat as he swallowed nervously. "Do what?" Reid didn't understand. Morgan obviously meant something very specific.
"You can't just lay this on me and expect me to be okay with it. You're my friend. I love you like family. And you just fucked everything up." Morgan bit his lower lip and then shook his head, visibly upset. "I can't even look at you right now."
"Morgan, wait," Reid said as he tried to step in front of Morgan. "You don't have to leave." Reid felt so desperate.
"Yeah, I do," he said very abruptly. Morgan walked with determination to the door. It was like he couldn't get out of there fast enough.
Reid had no chance of getting to the door before Morgan had it swung open and was walking down the hallway. "Morgan!" he called out. Would anything make him come back? He remembered his car was still at work. "My car!"
"You're a genius!" Morgan yelled back without turning around. "You'll figure it out!" He was already turning the corner.
"Morgan…" He shouted quietly, having given up. "Whh-," his mouth puffed out in a defeated breath. "…Wait," he whispered. He stood in place for as long as it took him to move again, which felt like forever. Closing the door behind him, he leaned on it for support. He didn't know if that could have gone any more badly than it had.
Reid finally dead bolted the door and walked back into the kitchen. Dumping out Morgan's beer, he felt a rush of emotion in his chest. It was hard to hold it back. He wanted to breakdown. He could feel his nerves tingling with regret. It was making his stomach twist and he wrapped one arm around his torso at an attempt to comfort himself.
It didn't work.
What now? Reid rubbed his eyes and headed to his bedroom. He plopped down on his bed and then let himself fall backwards to gaze at the dark ceiling. Even given the time zone difference, it was kind of late, but he considered calling his mother. Talking to her always made him feel better - about anything. But he didn't want to bother her even it was still early in Nevada… Besides, she would know something was wrong and he wasn't ready for that conversation.
He crossed his arms over his head and eyes hoping he could just disappear into a void of darkness. He wanted to be free of any and all thought, especially any thoughts of Derek Morgan. But of course, it wasn't that easy. Morgan crept into his mind after every thought he used to try to not think of him. He thought about the beach and then he'd see Morgan throwin' a frisbee to their non-existent dog. Stupid, silly fantasy… He thought about what he ate for lunch and then he'd remember how he watched Morgan from across the way while he ate. He thought about the case they were working on and next he'd remember all of Morgan's good input. He even thought about his kiss with Lila and then remembered how he had looked to Morgan for advice afterward. It never failed. Morgan was everywhere in his thoughts and everyday life. Reid couldn't escape him.
Tears began to slip from his eyes, rolling down his temples and into his hair. It had been so difficult to work beside Morgan while he had been mulling this over. He had to see him in the morning and at night, tolerate his driving, had to catch the bad guys with him, have his back, talk with him… And he always looked so good, made Reid laugh, always spoke to him with respect and had a gentle enough nature to put up with Reid's socially awkward ways. He had to survive Morgan's smile, his scent, his soft tone and his alpha presence, all without being noticed. And Reid did… for a while. Now the cat was out of the bag and everything was going to change. Morgan was right. Reid was so angry with himself for that. He was so selfish to have said anything at all. He cried hard and he cried for as long as he could produce the tears, knowing he needed to, thinking he deserved the worse for having hurt Morgan; having ruined their friendship.
Reid rolled over and grunted into his bedding, frustrated. He forced himself up and headed to the bathroom, intending on a hot shower. He caught his reflection in the mirror and stopped to stare because he didn't recognize himself. His lips were red and his eyes were puffy. There were red blotches all over his face. He leaned over the sink to get a closer look at himself. He wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight and regardless of that, he was going to look horrible in the morning. How was he going to face Morgan, much less anyone else? There were going to be questions. Even just general 'you look like death warmed over' comments… Reid was already thinking about calling in sick which was something he never did.
He felt like he had something to hide again…
That very second he recalled something that was never very far from his thoughts as a recovering drug addict. A hydromorphone induced euphoria would be one way to escape this, even if just for the night. And with just that one thought, a craving for Dilaudid hit him with a vengeance and his eyes closed as he tried to remember the high it gave him; weightless and peaceful.

But a memory wasn't going to be enough to cut through this.
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The Thirteenth Step