Silenced Screams

Chapter Twenty-One


Sam arrived home nearly thirty minutes ago. No one had been in her house since the night of the sting operation. She found things exactly the same as they'd been then. She hadn't realized just how hard it would be coming back with the memories of that night so fresh in her mind. The chair where she'd been bound and gagged, set in the same spot it had that night, the duct tape still hanging from the front legs. A shiver ran down her spine as she relived the nightmare she was sure would haunt her the rest of her life. But it was the sight of her bedroom and all the memories it stirred that was the last straw to her emotional control. It was just too much. Collapsing in the doorway, the tears she'd held at bay for so long, could no longer be denied. Her mind flooded with the horrors she'd been through...the rapes and torture, her overwhelming fears. Huddled up in the fetal position the pressure final caught up with her and her tears were set free, as her mind played out all the horrors she'd lived in the last few weeks.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been lying there crying before she became aware of the knocking at her door. Whoever it was, must have been there for a while, if the beating was anything to go by. Getting up and trying to make herself at least slightly more presentable she made her way to the front door. The last thing she needed right now was for any of her team to find her in this state. And she was sure it was one of them currently trying to break her door down. Daniel, most likely. The Colonel would so not want to do the whole 'talk to me' or 'touchy feely' emotional scene. Daniel, however, would want her to talk, to express her feelings and emotions, so sure it was what she'd need to put the whole incident behind her. Regardless of who it was she did not want them to see how much of a wreck she was just being in her own home. What had once been her quiet haven was now a constant reminder of the horrors she'd been though. She honestly didn't think she'd ever feel safe here again. But they didn't need to know that just yet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack's fears evaporated as soon as he saw her face. His fear turning to rage that she'd act so irresponsible, take such risk with her own welfare.

“CARTER, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR ONE OF US. AND YOU MOST DEFINITELY WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO COME BACK HERE ALONE!!!” He shouted, trembling from the build-up of emotions he felt. All he really wanted to do was to hold her and protect her. To loose himself in her and block out the world. But she wasn't ready for that. So much still lay unresolved between them. There hadn't been time to deal with what had happened between them. He had to focus on what was best for her right now. And right now that meant dealing with all the things Hanson had done to her, many of them right here in this house. He finally remembered to lower his fist, still raised to knock on her door, the red haze that had clouded his mind slowly began to clear. Still standing toe to toe in her doorway his rage lost it's steam. Sam had been silent since she'd opened her door, caught completely by surprise at the rage that had greeted her. Her control over her emotions was already thin.

Without saying a word she turned and made her way deeper into her house leaving him to follow if he wanted. Jack remained frozen at her door as his rage cleared and he finally registered her appearance. Her red puffy face, a sure sign that she'd been crying before his arrival and his screaming and ranting had not helped. He felt himself ten kinds of fool for the way he'd just treated her. 'Shit!' Scrubbing his hand through his hair and over his face in frustration he finally moved to follow her down the still dark hall to her kitchen.

“Sam.”

All of his tenderness and love wrapped up in those three little letters. All of the love he felt for her, all of the caring and worries and desires, everything in just her name. Sam wasn't sure which was worse, having him screaming and yelling at her or the caring he seemed able to express in just her name. She'd gone straight to her kitchen and over to start a pot of coffee. She didn't trust herself to speak without opening the floodgate of emotions again. With her body operating fully on autopilot she could pretend everything was back to normal, as long as she didn't have to see or talk to him right now. She just needed a few more minutes to pull her act together and she'd be able to hide the turmoil away. So lost was she in trying to get her emotions under control she was caught completely off guard when she felt Jack's hand cover her own trembling one which had been spilling coffee grounds all over her counter.

“You don't need to be here tonight.” He whispered, his lips close to her ear. His body had molded to hers and he felt her own body momentarily release it's tension and rest against his before the rigid control she hid behind dropped back into place. “You don't have anything to prove.”

“But that's where you're wrong, I do. I have to prove I can handle everything that's happened to me. Everyone is so sure I'm gonna fall apart...so sure I CAN'T handle it...that I'll NEVER be the soldier I was. They already think I can't. I have to show them I'm strong enough...that I'm every bite the soldier I was. I can't afford to show any weakness, not now especially.” She shouted as she rounded on him, his arms still wrapped around her. She wanted so much to bring her fist up and beat against his chest until he understood.

Her outburst caught him unprepared. The strength and power of her words a testimony to the standard she'd set for herself. She would push herself, force her body to perform to a standard it wasn't ready for. Just because that super-smart brain of hers understood she thought that would be enough. But it wasn't. What she'd been through would take time to heal. Not acknowledging it wouldn't make it go away. And no one expected it to...except her

“Carter that's not how it works. No one expects it to be business as usual after everything you've been through. And that takes nothing away from the strong confident soldier that you are. That hasn't changed.” There had to be some way he could make her see that.

“But it already has. Even to you. You see me different...less capable...as someone who has to be taken care of and protected. A 'damsel in distress' needing her white knight to ride in and slay the dragon.” Taking a deep breath and stepping back, holding his eyes she continued. “I was more than capable of holding my own the last time I was here. Even drugged I fought...I fought him...I beat him.” Practically weeping her voice breaking at the end, coming out as a choked cry as that night replayed in her head. “I fought him Sir and I won...I won...I won...I won...” Her tears running freely down her face and choking off her words as she continued repeating her last words over and over again. “I won...I won...”

“Yes Carter, you won. You saved yourself.” Jack agreed reaching to hold her...console her and reassure her. His arms froze at her next words.

“Then why? Why didn't you want to hear any of my ideas for catching Hanson? Why‘d you force Daniel and Teal'c to babysit me? Why were you so angry tonight just because I came here? You don't think I can take care of myself. You show it a hundred different ways everyday. Why? How's anyone else gonna treat me better when my own CO doesn't.” Her pleading eyes left him completely speechless as he stared back into her watery blue depths, for the first time seeing his actions through her eyes.

“Sam, that's not how it is. Wanting to protect you doesn't mean I think you aren't more then capable yourself. I'd want you watching my six any day. But I know you...how your mind works. You still think you can reason all this away. You can't Baby. You're gonna have to deal with it just like everyone else. There's no short cut, no getting around it by sheer force of will. You've got to deal with what happened. It won't make you any less...just normal. Everyone needs someone they can lean on...someone to be there for them. Let me be that 'someone' for you.” Jack poured his heart out, probably said more than he'd ever said before. But he desperately wanted her to understand. He could almost see her mind working...dissecting every thing he'd said...studying it from every angle. Her nightmares and trauma wouldn't just go away because Hanson was dead...was no longer able to threaten her. She still had a long way to go before those wounds would heal and he wanted to be there by her side through it all. If she'd let him. If he could make her understand.

They stood motionless in her kitchen, stripped bare to their most basic feelings and instincts. Her decision now would shape both of their lives.

“Then why won't you allow me to be there for you? I can see what this is doing to you...bringing up things from your past. Why won't you let me in? Why do you keep pushing me away? If everything you say is true, then why? How can it be true for me and not true for you?” There was no anger in her voice, no accusation, just an honest sincere need to understand. Her piercing blue eyes searching his face for understanding. He couldn't answer that...wasn't sure how to answer it. Whatever the reason it took too long. The connection he'd been trying to make stretched too thin. Lowering her eyes from his she brushed passed him and into her living room. She’d meant to collapse on her sofa. To finally give into the pull of exhaustion she felt after the emotional drain of the evening. But, the chair in the middle of the floor, the duct tape still dangling from its legs drew her instead. Still somehow spotlighted leaving the rest of the room in shadows, as it had been that night. Brushing her fingers lightly over the high back she fought to keep her emotions at bay...to not show weakness.

“You help me more than you'll ever know.” His voice was low but rich with the emotions it carried. He remains in the shadows as he continues to speak. “I've never had anyone I could lean on...to help me through the hard times. Not even Sara. Most of the work I did was too classified to talk to her about. Besides I never wanted to burden her with the things I was asked to do. She couldn't even be there for me when the nightmares would come. She'd never have understood. She'd never have been able to handle it. So, I had to learn to hide it all away. To deal with it by myself. I don't know if I can change that after all these years, but I do know that you do help me. Just knowing that you're here...knowing that you care...that you understand. You already know the bad stuff and you're still here. I know I'm not alone. For the first time in my life there's someone who cares. You help me more than you'll ever know Baby. Please, please let me help you.” Jack wasn't sure what it was that made it so easy for him to talk to her this way, maybe because he could see how broken she was under that hard mask she tried to hide behind. He wasn't thinking about himself, only her and for her he'd do anything. It ate his heart away watching her struggling and suffering with the things Hanson had done to her. He would do anything to have his old Carter back.

Sam had moved on around the chair, finally removing the duct tape from its legs. Jack watched as her hands absently worked separating and straightening the tape as her mind worked to separate and understand her emotions and feelings. The silence stretching out was somehow comforting between them. He knew that look...had seen it countless times. Her mind tackling some problem in her own unique 'Carter' way.

“I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.” Sam admitted, her voice sounding small and lost. “He's dead. It's over. I'm safe. He'll never be able to hurt me again. I should feel relieved. Right?” Her eyes focusing and seeking his pleading for understanding.

“Yes.” He agreed, not seeing where she was going with it, but willing to follow her as she worked out a problem that only she could see.

“Then why don't I? Why does it feel like I've been cheated? Like somehow the end shouldn't be the end. I have all of these feelings...all of this rage...all of this anger for the things he did to me...” Her voice breaking but the flood of emotions suddenly lost their steam. Her confused eyes continued to search his face for the answers she could not find within herself. “And now it's over. I don't have anywhere to turn all of these feelings and they won't go away. They're still all inside of me. Is it wrong for me to wish he was still here? That at least once I could be face to face with him?”

Jack's heart broke watching the toll this was taking on Sam. “No, it's not wrong Baby, it just means that you're normal like the rest of us.” He couldn't help the smile that turned the corners of his mouth. “But he can't hurt you anymore Sam. It is over.”

“But you see that's where you're wrong. It's not over. I'm still here. The things he did to me are still here. No one will ever see me the same because of him. No man will ever...” The tears had again choked her voice into nothing. “And I can't really blame them. I wouldn't want to touch me...” Finally giving up on the tangle knot of tape she'd been working on she flung the offending ball across the room before collapsing almost boneless onto the sofa in resignation.

Of all the things Jack had expected to hear 'that no man would ever want her' had not been considered. Caught completely off-guard by her statement Jack could only stare open-mouth as his strong, smart 2IC disappeared before his eyes.

“Sam, you don't believe that. How could you even think that after...after...?” Dropping down on the coffee table in front of her and covering her small trembling hands with one of his large battle scared one, his other hand gently lifting her chin until her eyes locked with his. “How? How can you say that? You know exactly how I feel. I haven't hidden my feeling for you.”

“I'm not kidding myself Colonel. That's one thing that hasn't changed. I'm a realist. I'm not gonna start 'sugar-coating' the truth just because it would be easier. As much as I'd like to believe that that night meant something...more, that it was what we'd both hoped for one day, I know it wasn't. Not after what some other man had done to me. I'm a member of your team and you would do anything for your team. You're a great CO. There isn't anything you wouldn't do for us. But, I'm not gonna kid myself into believing it was anything more than you looking out for the well being of one of your people. It could never be more than that after what Hanson did to me.”

As much as it tore at his heart to see her cry, the quiet resignation that he heard in her voice now was destroying him. She wouldn't fight anymore. She'd given up and somehow that scared him more than facing down a hundred Goa'uld and their Jaffa armies.

“Sam, how can you possibly believe that?” He thought they'd already covered this ground.

“Because it's true. You'd do anything for us...including sacrifice yourself. 'Comfort sex' was no different.” There was no accusation or recrimination in her words just acceptance of the way things were. Jack couldn't stand to see her so broken and moving he paced the room to hide his own rage. Hanson had done that to her. She was right, even from the grave he continued to hurt her. He understood wanting a chance to come face to face with the man at least once. He would love to get his hands on the man. For just a minute hell, it wouldn't even take that long. Courtesy of all his years in Black Ops, there were any number of ways he could deal with Hanson. In less than a heartbeat he could neutralize a threat. Clean and efficient or slow and painful...dragging it out indefinitely, making him suffer until he begged and pleading for death. Yes that's what Hanson deserved...not the quick painless death the bullet had given him. He pulled himself back to the moment.

“I'm not gonna lie to you Sam. We've worked together for too many years. You've earned better than that from me.” He said coming back to sit beside her, raising her chin and locking his eyes with hers so that she could see the truth of his words.

“I would do anything for my team and that includes you. And if I thought that meant having 'comfort sex' as you put it, with you, then yes, as unpleasant a thought as that sounds, I guess I'd be willing to fall on my sword and make myself have sex with you.” His eyebrow wiggling suggestively, humor dripping from every word. As he thrust his imaginary sword through his chest right on cue. His trade mark humor releasing some of the tension in the room.

“But Sam that's not what happened and on some level you know that. We've had these feeling for years. I've wanted you for years. And nothing...absolutely nothing Hanson did could ever change that. Nothing Baby. You are every bit as beautiful and desirable now as you've ever been.” He'd just poured out his heart to her. Said more, admitted more than he'd ever done before...and it didn't make him feel vulnerable or exposed like it should have. He needed to make Sam understand, make her see who she was and what she was...to him. His hand moved from her chin, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

To Be Continued...


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Thanks
Zhaan


Oh and a special thanks to Alimoo1971 for her help on this chapter.