Silenced Screams

Chapter Twenty-Eight


Sam leaned against her door, allowing her head to fall back, and breathed a long sigh of relief as she heard the lock finally click into place. She'd held such a tight rein on her emotions since Joe Turner's revelations, so afraid she'd fall apart in front of everyone, she just didn't think she could handle that...especially not in front of the Colonel. But now that she was home all she felt was numb. She felt like a sleepwalker...nothing felt real...she felt like she was only a spectator to her life as she moved about her house, waiting for the floodgates holding her emotions back to open, letting all of her tightly held pain and anger to come pouring out.

She was pulled out of her trance-like state by pounding on her front door. She wondered where she was and how she’d gotten there, feeling slightly disoriented. She had no idea how much time had passed, nor how much time she'd spent just staring into space as her bath water cooled around her and the calming fragrance of her candles filled the room…nor, for that matter, when she'd even gotten in the tub. Bundling herself in the thick, over-sized terry bathrobe that had been hanging in her bathroom, she padded dripping wet and barefoot through the house, not even registering the darkness that had descended since her arrival.

Fear was starting to gnaw at Jack's insides. He knew Sam was home. He'd seen her prized Volvo parked haphazardly in the garage behind her house. He'd meant to get here sooner, not wanting her to be alone after everything that had happened today. He could see the effect the day was having on her...her constant struggle to bury her emotions, more worried about him, not wanting to add to his guilt, so sure that her logical mind could handle it all with her usual quiet detachment. But he knew that wasn't the answer. This wasn't one of her lab experiments, all of those messy emotions would have to come out and, even though he was probably the last person she'd want to see her pain, he didn't want it to be anyone else. He didn't know what kind of shape he'd find her in but he wanted to be there for her, regardless.

It had taken him longer than he'd planned to get out of the mountain, though it had been time well spent. Dix had reminded him of a few things he'd forgotten. It hadn't taken all his guilt away, but it might, eventually, make it something he could live with. For Sam's sake, he would put his guilt aside for now...it was the least he could do. And Dix had also opened his eyes to just how much Janet was going through.

Janet and he had finally broached the subject of Sahara, which had been long overdue. When she'd come back to the office a short time after Dix had left, he’d searched her face, trying to see the truth of everything Dix had said. He'd always thought he was the master at hiding his emotions but Doctor Janet Frasier easily put him to shame. It had taken quite a bit of prodding but he'd finally gotten her to open up to him. He now knew a little of what she’d suffered, how much guilt she’d been carrying around. He was no good at the whole 'talking thing' but sometimes it was needed and he felt better now that he was at least aware of how she felt. They still had a long way to go, but at least they'd made a start. Maybe in time they'd find some measure of peace and lay to rest some of the guilt they'd carried around all these years. At least now that he'd been made aware of all that Janet had gone through, he would no longer take their friendship for granted, and he wouldn't let her distance herself again as she had after Sahara.

Now if it would only go as smoothly with Sam. There was so much he wanted...no, needed…to say to her. But, even after sitting in the park across from her house for the past hour, he hadn't been able to figure it out. He didn't know how he could possibly ask for her forgiveness, but he knew he had to try.

He was starting to get really worried though; she wasn't answering her door. He could feel his panic rising. Nightmare images of all the things that could be wrong assaulted him. Of course, it could always be that she just didn't want to see him...that she did blame him and just couldn't bear to see him. He didn't know what he would do if she refused to open the door. As much as he dreaded seeing her tear-stained face knowing he was the cause, he knew he couldn't leave without knowing she was at least okay, even if that meant being okay without him.

“Sam, please...” he pleaded, calling to her over and over again and still not hearing any movement inside her completely dark house. Before he could say more he heard the lock release and looked up into Sam's very surprised face.

“Sir?!?” Sam gasped, staring open-mouthed at him, somehow seeming surprised to find him on her doorstep even after all the noise he'd made.

All the things he'd wanted to say to her escaped him now that he was face to face with her. He was sure it showed on his face since all he could do was stare back at her.

Fumbling for something to say to break the awkward silence, Jack stuffed his fist in his jeans pocket and rocked on the balls of his feet. “Can I come in?” He stumbled over his words, still not sure if she'd want to see him. “I...I just wanted to see you...make sure you were okay.”

He was surprised when her only reaction was to turn and retreat back into her house, leaving him to follow. His guilt continued to eat away at him and he feared he'd been right…she didn't want to see him...she did blame him. But there was something more, something nagging away at him that he couldn't put his finger on. Trailing her down the dark hall, he found her huddled on her sofa, knees drawn tight to her chest, shaking slightly. Draping his leather jacket over the back of a chair, he moved on into her kitchen, offering to make her a cup of tea to help warm her. Returning with her tea and a beer for himself, he dropped into the chair across from her, taking in her overall appearance as she slowly sipped the soothing brew.

Some sixth sense he had about her had triggered his alarm even before she'd answered the door. As much as he'd dreaded seeing her tear-streaked face, red nose and watery, red-rimmed eyes...dreaded seeing the evidence of the suffering that Joe Turner's misplaced revenge against him had cost her…now that he was facing her, he knew that what he was seeing now was much worse. He knew her well...after all of these years of serving together, of seeing the best and the worst of each other, he knew her well enough to be able to tell she'd shed no tears since returning home. And that worried him more because that meant that, not only was she trying to hide her emotions from him, she was also hiding them from herself. And now that he'd noticed that, his eyes caught many other seemingly unimportant details, details that spoke volumes about her state of mind, details few who didn't know her so well would see. And it broke his heart to see her suffering the consequences of his actions from all those years ago.

She seemed to have zoned out since letting him in. He doubted she was even aware he was in the room. She was still wet from the bath he'd obviously interrupted. The moisture on her skin slowly soaked into the large, terry robe she had pulled loosely around her, loosely enough that he could tell she wore nothing else as she continued to stare into the darkness of the room.

“So...Carter. How are you holding up?” Jack finally ventured to break the silence.

She nearly jumped out of her skin as she blinked rapidly and refocused on her surroundings enough to answer him. “Fine, Sir, I'm fine.”

That was such an automatic answer from her. She was anything but fine and Jack knew it, seeing her balled up in his robe that he'd left in her bathroom only yesterday, its large size only making his strong, independent, self-reliant Major look even more fragile and vulnerable. Before his mind could even register what his body was doing, he'd moved and joined her on the sofa, abandoning his untouched beer on the end table and dragging her into his arms with his trademark 'C'mere'.

He could tell she was in shock, but it was more than that and it was starting to scare him.

“Talk to me, Sam.” Pushing her back to arms-length, Jack studied her emotionless face. His eyes searched her face, trying to find answers.

Trying not to meet his eyes, Sam didn't want him to read the things she was sure showed on her face. She didn't know how to answer him...didn't know what she felt...didn't know how she was supposed to feel. Again her brain didn't seem to want to cooperate...it didn't seem to know where to start in sorting through all of her conflicting emotions. She knew intellectually that all that had happened today, everything they’d learned, didn’t really make any difference. Now she had a name for her attacker, knew his reasoning, but so what? It didn't really change anything, didn’t magically fix everything that had happened to her. She had already come to terms with everything he'd done to her. She'd moved on...was even better in some ways. She and Jack still had a lot of unanswered questions between them, but at least they were questions they were finally willing to ask.

“Come on, Sam, talk to me,” Jack begged again. He could see the struggle she was having. She was always such a 'good li'l soldier'...'never show weakness'...'never let 'em see you cry'...'suck it up and move on'…and all those other wonderful clichés the military had taught her to keep her fighting. But now the fight was over. He didn't know how to get her to let it all out.



Taking a deep breath and trying to pull herself together, all she could come up with was her same, old, tried and true line. “I'm fine, Sir. Maybe a little tired. I just need get some rest.”

“Like hell you are. You're miles away from 'fine' Sam. Miles. Or didn't you think I'd notice just how messed up you are right now? Like how surprised you were that it was me at your door. You had to have heard me calling you! Or the fact that you haven't turned on a single light in your house. Do you even realize we're sitting in the dark? Or that you're sitting here dripping wet in nothing but my bathrobe? You're in shock, Sam, and that’s understandable, but you're also trying to bury all your feelings like you think that'll make them all go away. And you know as well as I do that won't work...or at least you knew it yesterday. What happened to the woman who left this house this morning saying we'd face this head on? We were gonna handle this together, Sam, and now you're acting like none of it happened. I know you Sam. You think you're protecting me by hiding what you're going through, but you're not. If you really want to help me, then let me in...let me be there for you...don't hide from me. We're a team, Sam, we help each other. This is no different. It's the only way we're gonna get through this. Together.”

Jack's was practically pleading with her as his eyes continued to search her face closely for any sign that he might be getting through to her. If he hadn't been so close and so focused on Sam's face, he might have missed that one split second when her true feelings sneaked past the impenetrable mask she wore. But he had seen it and, in that one instant, it all fell into place for him. What he saw wasn't pain and suffering...it was total confusion, which was a very novel look on Sam. Sam, who could plot planetary drift in her head and re-write the laws of physics, ground to a complete halt when it came to understanding her own feelings.


“You're not hiding your feelings. You don't know what you feel, do you?” It was a question but, as Jack voiced it, somehow it came out more as a statement of fact. He could see the truth of his statement in Sam’s face, as he continued to hold onto her shoulders and stare into her eyes.

“Sam. Talk to me, Baby. Let me help you. Or would you rather have this discussion with McKenzie? You heard Janet. If we can't work this out she'll have no choice but to send us to him. We can't be cleared for active duty until we've worked through all of this. For both our sakes, please let me in.” He knew it was a low blow, threatening her with McKenzie, but nothing else seemed to be working.

Looking deeply into his eyes, her voice was pleading with him to give her the answers, answers for which she'd been searching but hadn't been able to find within herself. “Why is this so hard?” Stumbling along, trying to put into words the way she felt, she continued, “I mean, in my head I know nothing really happened today that changes anything for me. So what, now I have a name for my attacker...I have a reason why, but it doesn't change what he did to me. So why does it feel like it does?”

That one little crack in her armor was all it took to open the floodgates that she'd held so tight. She buried her face in Jack’s chest and her hands gripped his shirt. Jack could feel her body begin to shake and hear her great, heaving sobs as it all started pouring out of her.

But just as fast as it had started, she quickly pulled away from him, embarrassment very evident on her face as she scrubbed her tears away and apologized for breaking down. “I'm so sorry, Sir. I shouldn't have...you're going through enough without me dumping all of this on you, too. I don't know what came over me. I guess I'm more exhausted than I thought. I just need to get some rest.” She was babbling and she knew it. She wasn't even able to meet his eyes for the shame she felt. He had enough guilt without her adding her baggage to the load he was already carrying.

Before she could pull completely away from him and bury her emotions again, Jack pulled her back into his arms. He wasn't going to let her hide away anymore. He'd meant it earlier when he'd said that helping her would ease some of his own guilt. He still wanted to be there for her, but she was also right; this day had taken its toll on her. She would never have broken down so easily if she had had any energy reserves left. Her struggle to hold back her emotions had left her exhausted. He could see it in the dark circles under her eyes, the tension and stress holding her body taut even as he held her close.

He was glad now he'd taken Janet's advice, slipping a mild sedative into her tea. It wasn't long before he felt her body begin to slowly relax and her breathing even out. Catching her cup before it could fall, he placed it on the table at his elbow before scooping her into his arms and moving down the hallway to her bedroom.

Tucking her in, he brushed the hair back from her face and placed a light kiss on her forehead, before dimming the lights and leaving her to get some much-needed rest. As much as he wanted to share her bed, to hold her in his arms and protect her, he was afraid that the day’s events might have changed the fragile new relationship they had begun over the weekend. He opted instead for her sofa so that he would still be nearby if she needed him.

Sleep did not come easy, however, and he spent a good portion of the night going over everything that had happened over the last few weeks. He knew they had a long, hard road ahead of them. He could only hope that somehow they could walk it together.

Not even aware he'd finally fallen asleep, he was jolted awake by Sam's terrified screams. Rushing to her room, he found her twisted and wrapped up in her bed sheets as she continued to struggle and fight, held in the tight grip of a nightmare. His body on auto pilot, he found himself in Sam's bed, rocking her and whispering quiet reassurances that she was safe and that he was there to help and protect her. Finding the comfort and security she needed in his arms, she calmed down, drifting back into a deep sleep, still holding tightly on to his shirt.

The following morning, Sam felt more refreshed than she had in a very long time as she slowly opened her eyes on a new day. Recognizing her bedroom, she couldn't remember actually going to bed. As her mind tried to piece together the events of the evening, the last thing she could remember was breaking down in the Colonel's arms. Her body tensed as the memory left her feeling embarrassed and ashamed. And that was when she registered the weight across her abdomen and the hand rubbing soothing circles on her stomach.

“Relax Sam, I've got you. Everything's gonna be alright,” Jack assured her, as he felt her body tense next to his. She'd slept so peacefully in his arms up until that point. It would seem that his presence had kept her nightmares away, just as her presence had kept his own at bay. But he'd known the moment she’d awoken, not surprised to feel her tensing up. He had no doubt she'd feel embarrassed about her emotional outburst of the night before, but he had no intention of allowing her to withdraw back into herself in the cold light of day. Her peaceful sleep in his arms had proven to him that she did need his help. It had also proven he needed her just as much.

He'd known it wouldn't be easy for them to learn to open up to each other but he was determined he would try. After a light breakfast and a few rough starts, Jack had convinced Sam to take him up on his offer of spending some time with him at his cabin. They had two weeks of downtime before they had to visit McKenzie and he planned to make good use of it. They would spend the first week alone, talking and doing anything else they wanted, before Daniel and Teal'c joined them for the second week.