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If You Want To Play Games, Okay...But I'll Win	By : WW2_Lover Category: G through L > Hogan's Heroes Views: 1043 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own ANY of these characters, ANY part of this series, or make ANY money from Hogan's Heroes. I'm just borrowing them for a little while. Any words with a * in front of them are lines directly from the show.

Chapter List
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Any words with a * in front of them are lines directly from the show.

Kommandant = Commander
Stalag = Stalag is short for ‘Stammlager’, which is short for ‘Kriegsgefangenen-Mannschaftsstammlager’. It translates to ‘prisoner-of-war camp’
Kommandtur = Commander’s office
Kraut/krauts = American slang, which is a derogatory term for the Germans.
Luftwaffe = The German name for their Air Force
Schnell = Quickly/hurry up
Nein = No
Herr = Mister
Jawohl = Yes sir
Guten tag = Good day
Reichsmarschall = Marshall of the Reich (Hermann Göring’s title)
Guten abend = Good evening
Oberst = German rank, which is equivalent to a colonel in the United States Air Force
Was tust du? = What are you doing?
Führer = Leader (Adolf Hitler’s title)
Danke = Thank you
Mein Gott = My God
Ciao = Italian for goodbye
Gute nacht = Good night

Inside Stalag 13, somewhere in the camp…
Colonel Hogan, of the Army Air Force and the reigning senior prisoner of war officer of Stalag 13, was currently engaged in a game of keep-away from one Kommandant Wilhelm Klink. Okay, granted…the exercise was fun, and yeah it had been ages since he’d gotten to play a kid’s game like that. Being a full colonel in the military and leader of the local espionage ring didn’t leave much time for relaxation. Especially when said espionage ring was located in the heart of Germany, which was enemy territory for the Allies. Not to mention he was an active member of the Underground and ‘the most dangerous man in Germany’, according to the local head of the Hammelburg Gestapo. And he had to admit the thrill of being caught made his heart race excitedly. Okay, so he was an adrenaline junkie. Was that a crime? In Nazi Germany? Probably! Everything that nut in Berlin doesn’t like seems to be a crime here, he thought.
What didn’t make his heart race excitedly was the thought of the dressing down (and the after-effects that would follow) he’d get when Colonel Klink eventually caught him. No, that thought made his chest tighten instead, and the contrasting feelings were strange to contemplate. A point in his favor was that Newkirk had successful ‘borrowed’ the important new codebook Major Hochstetter had entrusted to Klink. Apparently, it was so secret that Hochstetter didn’t want it anywhere near him when he went on furlough. Like that madman has anyone who’d actually visit with him of their own free will! The very idea of the short, ill-tempered man having a girlfriend or whatever else somewhere was laughable indeed.
Hogan didn’t know when exactly the two Germans had become so chummy, since the volatile Gestapo major seemed to trust no one. Something to keep an eye on, by the way, he reminded himself. Every prisoner of war in Stalag 13 knew Klink was no Nazi; that was made obvious by his humane treatment of them in comparison to the other stalags. But the Kommandant had a way of blowing with whichever way the wind went, and Hogan had to make sure that wind stayed favorable to him and his team. And the very secrecy of said codebook meant they had to get that information to London…preferably yesterday!
Which brought Hogan to the other thing; the point against the ‘borrowing’ of Hochstetter’s code book. Usually, “sticky fingers” Newkirk would have gotten into Klink’s office, opened the safe, stolen the codebook for Carter to take pictures of, replaced the damn thing in the safe (on a different shelf of course, just mess with Klink), re-locked said safe and waltzed out. They’d done it so many times before, it was fast becoming a routine. Unfortunately, that hadn’t been the case this time.
For one thing, the lock had been tougher than usual for Newkirk to open. Mostly likely it had been changed for some odd reason; who knew with the Germans? They tended to be very methodical and keep strict schedules that made little sense to anyone else. And for another thing, Newkirk had needed to stop trying to crack the safe’s lock twice and answer the phone, so it would shut up! It was hard to hear tumblers with background noise going on, after all. That delayed his time in getting the codebook out and getting it to Barracks 2 for Carter to take pictures of, which meant it took longer for Newkirk to get back to the Kommandtur and put it back where it belonged.
These factors combined had resulted in Colonel Klink returning with Major Hochstetter in tow to retrieve said codebook. That definitely hadn’t been a planned on event, and everyone could hear the Gestapo major venting his rage all across the camp. Hogan had hurriedly rushed over to bail his friend and team member out of trouble, for once not needing the coffeepot to know what was going on. It had taken some work, since Hochstetter wasn’t as easily fooled as Klink, but it had succeeded. The Kommandant had gotten royally chewed out though, which was bound to make him unhappy. Hogan winced as he remembered the major’s shrill voice ringing in his ears when he had hurriedly left the office with Newkirk. If I never saw or heard from that Kraut again, it’d be too soon, he thought.
Knowing full well that Klink would be extremely pissed off and looking for him after his current annoyance dressed in black had left, Hogan had rushed back to his barracks and given his sarcastic corporal an earful. After asking him what in heaven’s name had possessed him to sit at the desk and still be openly reading the stupid thing when the terrible twosome entered the room, the response he’d gotten had just made him roll his eyes. “Well, you know Guv’nor, they was about to enter an’ see me there anyway. I didn’t have time to get the bloody safe open again, on account of the ruddy tumblers not being sweet on me hands. And I didn’t wan’ them to see me crackin’ the safe. I thought abou’ just sayin’ I was doing some spring cleaning, but I didn’t figure that’d work an’ all, seein’ as it ain’t spring yet. So I sat meself down at ol’ Klink’s desk and when the two Krauts came in, I jus’ said I was brushin’ up on me reading skills. It’s been a long time since I saw a book, see, and I don’t want to forget how to read.”
Hogan figured he had more pressing issues at the moment then yelling at Newkirk. The main one was going to be finding a comfortable sleeping position on his bunk after the unavoidable ‘discussion’ Klink would no doubt have with him tonight. In the interest of making himself scarce quickly, he’d had just told Newkirk to be more careful next time and to abandon the mission if it got that risky again. Inwardly, he had to applaud the RAF corporal’s snarky yet humorous comeback, but he couldn’t show it. Then he had told his men that he’d challenged Klink to a game of keep-away for a certain amount of time, starting when Hochstetter left, and that if he won he’d try to get more white bread for them as a reward for his victory. But under no circumstances were they to help him cheat in any way.
He wanted this to be a fair game, and Hogan liked a challenge. They seemed to buy it, thankfully, and just in time too; he’d heard Schultz yelling his name across the camp as he undoubtedly neared their barracks. “Well, there’s the referee coming now. It’s game time, so I gotta go! Remember, no helping me out, you guys!” And with that, he went into his office and hopped out the window. Then he’d carefully closed it with a grin and run off. The game was on!

Inside Klink’s office…
Meanwhile, Colonel Klink didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or spank the living daylights out of Colonel Hogan later on. He contemplated doing all of the above as he sat at his office desk. He’d already called for Sergeant Schultz and sent him to find Hogan, with strict instructions to escort the American colonel to his office. Yet he had to admit, Hogan seemed to have a way with words and smoothing over any situation, no matter how hairy it was. The very last thing in the world he’d expected to see as he and Major Hochstetter had entered his office was Corporal Newkirk sitting there, calmly flipping through the new Gestapo codebook – the one supposedly locked in his safe – like it was the latest issue of Stars And Stripes. The sight had even struck the personal thorn in his side speechless! For about thirty seconds, that is; until the annoying man had let loose with an earsplitting “Who is zis man and what is he doing here?!” If every guard in the camp had suddenly put in earplugs, Klink wouldn’t even have been upset with them. It’s not like he could deny the reason for the loud noise anyway, considering it was standing right next to him!
That being said, the Kommandant of Stalag 13 had winced and put a hand over the ear closest to the major. Then Klink used his free one to motion for him to shut up, which had been a big mistake. Hochstetter had whirled around to face him, growling threats about shooting him, sending him to the Russian Front, or both. Of course, Klink had immediately backed away from the loud yelling, ending up in his desk chair with the major looming over him. While he wasn’t sure how a man could be shot and be sent to the Russian Front at the same time, he harbored no doubts Hochstetter was incensed enough at the moment to do it.
And the reason the Englander had given the two Germans for why he was there was simply absurd! “’Ello there, Kommandant Klink, Major Hochstetter. ‘Ope you don’ mind an’ all if I borrow this ‘ere little book of yours; I’m jus’ brushin’ up on me reading skills. Can’t let a bright bloke like meself forget how to read, now can we?”
The explanation had, again, rendered the shorter man speechless. For that to happen once in a lifetime was a miracle; surely if it happened twice in one day it was a sign of the dawning apocalypse.
Of course, that’s when Hogan had showed up to rescue his mouthy friend. He claims I have it, but maybe Hogan is the one with ESP instead! He always seems to know exactly when and where he is needed, and who is the one in need of help. Of course, I am sure anyone and everyone could hear Hochstetter screaming clear across the camp, so that might not mean anything.
At any rate, the American had managed to get the Gestapo major out of Stalag 13 (for now) and out of his hair (or what was left of it.) Thankful for the assistance – not that Klink needed it, as this was still his camp under his command – he had assigned Newkirk the job of cleaning out the latrines by himself for the next two weeks. A chore that was sure to be unpleasant, of that Klink was sure.
He did have to admit that the Englander had a wicked sense of humor and was quick on his feet, though. If only he was a member of the Luftwaffe instead and not part of the Allies like Hogan was –
Blast it all, Hogan! Klink leaped to his feet as the name drifted through his mind. Now he remembered what he had been meaning to do. Somehow, in the midst of all the chaos the wily colonel had slipped out. Well, it is high time I find Hogan and give him a piece of my mind! I shall also inform him exactly what I think of today’s events!
With that thought in mind, he grabbed his uniform cap and riding crop before heading out of the Kommandtur. Schultz hadn’t returned yet, and he sighed. His Sergeant of the Guard was a likeable fellow, but he wasn’t exactly the best at his job.
Oh well, what is it the Americans say? Oh yes; if you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself, he thought. Fortunately, it was a nice winter day outside, so Klink didn’t need his coat for once.

Back outside, near Barracks 2…
It had been about forty-five minutes since he’d ditched Schultz, and Hogan was out of places to hide. Short of climbing up onto the roof, which wasn’t an option since he liked being in one piece, he was out of luck. While having led Klink on a merry chase had been great fun, it was also about to end. Stalag 13 was only so big, and the only place he hadn’t hid yet was in Barracks 2. Which might be a good –
“Ooof! Hey Schultz, watch where you’re going, will you? You almost fell on top of me!” His train of thought was cut off as the large sergeant slammed him into the wall, causing both of them to gasp for breath.
In Schultz’s case, it was from almost an hour of continuous exercise, and in Hogan’s case, it was from being hit by what felt like a truck. Unfortunately, Schultz wasn’t the man he was trying to avoid, but he’d do for now.
“I am sorry for that, as I tripped over my feet. Big feet are hard to avoid, even when they are your own. But Colonel Hogan, I must insist you go to the big shot’s office, schnell. He is wanting to see you for a verrry long time now, and I do not want to get into trouble!” Schultz’s voice was pleading, and it made Hogan’s irritation with him disappear.
Yeah, the man had run into him, but it had been an accident. If my feet were a size twelve, I’d trip over them too! “Look, Schultz, I can’t right now. Tell Klink I’ll see him later, yeah? Doesn’t he have any paperwork to do or something? He’s always complaining about that whenever I see him.”
Schultz shook his head. “Nein, Colonel Hogan!”
He paused. “Well, maybe. I do not know. In that, I know nuuuu-thing! All I know is that I was given orders to escort you there. And orders are orders! Please, Colonel Hogan, do not make this hard on me,” he begged.
Hogan sighed. He was in the middle of a game of keep-away; couldn’t Schultz see that? He glanced around and didn’t see Klink anywhere in the vicinity, so he tried to get Schultz to leave him alone. “Look, Schultz, I promise I’ll go see ol’ Blood and Guts later. I’m –"
Which was as far as he got with his excuse before he felt a hand on his shoulder. And it wasn’t the sergeant’s, because it was slender with long fingers. Not to mention the fact that Schultz was backing up and holding up both hands, stammering as he tried to get his words out. “Herr Kommandant! I told him to go see you, but he –"
Ignoring the sergeant’s ‘big shot’ comment, Klink addressed the other man sharply. “Schultz! That is enough. Return to your post. You are dismissed!”
With the hand that wasn’t on Hogan’s shoulder, the Kommandant gave his Sergeant of the Guard a quick salute.
“Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!” said Schultz as he returned it and left as quickly as he could waddle away, just happy to be out of the verbal line of fire.
Then he turned on his heel to face Hogan and smirked. It wasn’t a happy smirk either, but rather one that clearly said, ‘I’ve got you right where I want you now.’
“Guten tag, Colonel Hogan. Looking for a good place to hide, perhaps? Or are you simply scouting out a new spot to dig a tunnel?” Klink’s voice was somewhat amused, yet it held a firm warning tone in it.
Well, crap. Hogan had been so busy trying to get rid of Schultz, he hadn’t heard Klink come around the corner. Although to be fair, the area in question was in his blind spot. Nobody was perfect, right?
“Um, hi. Good day to you too, Colonel Klink.” He shook his head. “Of course I’m not looking for a new spot to dig a tunnel…it’s broad daylight! We do that at precisely 3am. The moon is at its brightest then.”
Then he made a show of looking puzzled. “Hide? Why would I do that? I was just playing keep-away with you. You were ‘it’. When someone is ‘it’, everyone else is supposed to run away and you have to catch them. That’s how the game works. Don’t tell me you’ve never played keep-away before, sir!”
“I am not amused by your insolence, Hogan! Though I do rather like the nickname you have given me. ‘Ol’ Blood and Guts’ eh? And pray tell, where did you and your men come up with that one? Or is it just your personal nickname you use when referring to me?” Klink looked over at the American and waited for an answer.
Hogan just grinned sheepishly. He could tell Klink the truth, he supposed; what harm would it really do? However, he wasn’t about to throw his men under the bus, not about this. “Nope, just my personal nickname for you, Kommandant. I figured since you’re a decorated pilot from World War One and all, you had to have seen both blood and guts at some point, right?”
Klink just looked at him. Now it was his turn to look puzzled. “What on Earth are you going on about, Hogan? Where did you get such an idea?”
He coughed and added, “Not that it is not true, mind you; all Luftwaffe pilots are fearless by nature. Certainly, we all saw more ‘blood and guts’, as you so eloquently put it, during the first World War. Yet, I am curious as to how you came to such a conclusion.” This ought to be an interesting reply; Hogan was nothing if full of those.
Hogan appearing to be thinking while he tried to come up with something that wouldn’t sound completely hokey. His eyes quickly roamed over Klink’s medals before he saw one that caught his eye. Hopefully he was remembering his knowledge of German military history that he’d been taught in officer’s school correctly, or he was about to look like an idiot. “That badge you wear, Colonel Klink; the one that looks like a circle with a bird inside of it. That’s a Luftwaffe observer badge, right?”
The German officer nodded, surprised that the American one knew that. In World War One, the Americans hadn’t exactly bothered to inquire what medals and awards were for; they simply showed up and started killing the enemy pilots. “Yes, so? Your point is?” The aforementioned badge was his favorite award by far, but where exactly was Hogan going with this line of thinking?
The other colonel rolled his eyes. Surely nobody was this dumb. Who wore an award and didn’t know what it was for? The answer was standing in front of him, apparently.
“So, to the best of my knowledge, that badge means that while you were taking one of your qualifying tests, the pilot clearly wasn’t watching the skies well enough. If he had been, you wouldn’t have gotten wounded ‘in action’, so to say. I just hope he wasn’t injured too badly.” He crossed his arms. “Man, don’t you even know why they gave it to you, Colonel Klink?”
Then Hogan perked up as a thought occurred to him. “Hey, is that why you wear that monocle…because you injured your eye during that flight? But why not just wear glasses instead?”
Klink looked highly offended at the question. “HOGAN! Of course I know why I am wearing this badge; after all, it is the one I am most proud of.”
He touched it lovingly. “They do tell us why we get awards, you know; Reichsmarschall Göring and his award department do not just hand them out willy-nilly. Maybe in your military they do, but not in Germany.”
Hogan internally congratulated himself on his flattering skills, even as he frowned. “That was a low blow, sir. The United States Army Air Force doesn’t just hand them out willy-nilly either.”
He waited for Klink to answer his other question. He, and every other POW who had come through Stalag 13, had all wondered about Klink’s monocle. Most people wore glasses, or if they only had one bad eye, they either did without any visual aids or wore glasses anyway. Then they just put plain glass in the other lens. Monocles were just so…19th century. Nobody wore them anymore. Well, nobody except Wilhelm Klink, that is.
“But to answer your question, yes it is actually. I got it when the plane I was training on came down and crashed.” Klink sighed before continuing.
“And no, the other pilot was not killed. However, he will forever walk with a limp. I am afraid he will never willingly talk to me again. When you have earned yourself the nickname ‘the Blue Baron’ from your excellent dogfighting skills, one gets rather testy when you can no longer do what you love. My former friend retired shortly after this war began,” he finished with a shrug.
Hogan just stared at Klink for a minute, actually stunned. While he was glad to have heard the story behind the monocle and couldn’t wait to tell his men about it, just whose career the tall German had managed to ruin was a shocker. Even for Klink, that was bad. Out of all the people to –
“You’ve got to be kidding me! You ruined the Blue Baron’s dogfighting career?” He laughed heartily. “Oh, that’s rich! General von Richter, right? I met that guy when he came to your party. He did have a bad limp; I’ll give you that. No wonder he was steamed at you! I would be too. Wow, I can’t believe it.” He laughed again. “Well, at least you’re not wearing an eyepatch instead. That’s a good thing, right?”
At first Klink looked like he was going to yell at Hogan again. That is, until he changed his mind and a ‘nasty-happy’ smirk crossed his face. “Indeed. Fortunately for you, Hogan, I can still see perfectly out of this eye with my monocle in. Certainly, I can still see well enough to deal with you tonight at our usual time in our usual place. Which, by the by, is 2200 hours in my quarters. Just in case all that laughing at my expense made it conveniently slip your mind.”
That succeeded in wiping the smile off Hogan’s face. “Oh, hell. What did I do now?”
“Language, Hogan,” admonished Klink. “And you personally? Nothing. At least, not today. But do not go getting any bright ideas!” he warned. “Now, Corporal Newkirk? He did something big, something the likes of which caused Major Hochstetter yell every threat under the sun at me for a half hour…in my own office! But we will discuss all of it later on.”
Klink smirked at him. “You did not think I forgot what I told you the first time, did you? Do I need to write it down for you, perhaps?”
“I’ll pass, thanks. I hope you enjoyed our game of keep-away. It was fun while it lasted.” Then Hogan mumbled under his breath, “The key word there being ‘was’.”
Klink continued to smirk as he addressed Hogan again. “Oh, of course.”
He threw up his hands in frustration. “Because I have nothing better to do than send my Sergeant of the Guard to chase my senior prisoner of war officer around my camp for almost an hour. And because he could not do the job, I had to come and chase you too instead of doing the never-ending pile of paperwork sent to me from Berlin!”
“Look at it this way, Kommandant. You got outside, got some fresh air, and hopefully worked off some stress with exercising.” Hogan gave him a meaningful look. “That’s not a bad thing, right?”
Klink nodded thoughtfully. “I suppose you are right, Hogan. I am grateful to you for that idea. Indeed, I am so grateful that I will make sure I repay your thoughtfulness later on. I can promise you some ‘stress relief’ of your very own.”
The older man gave him a salute. “Dis-missed!” Then he spun around and walked away.
Hogan returned the salute. “Really, you don’t need to –" But Klink was already out of earshot. “Oh, never mind.”
Great, Good going there, Rob. You had Klink eating out of the palm of your hand until you shot off at the mouth again. Sighing, Hogan made his way back to Barracks 2. He needed to let his men know that he’d managed to lose the game of keep-away. Maybe he could say one of the guards spotted him and gave his location away. He’d figure out something; he always did!

2200 hours, Klink's quarters…
Klink sat in his quarters and looked at his watch. It was 2150 hours (9:50pm) and he had moved the coffee table out of the way in preparation for the American’s arrival…yet again. At this rate, you should really just leave it where it is. It would save time and effort, his inner voice said.
He had already retrieved the green plastic spoon with holes from his kitchen earlier, so he had it nearby him within easy reach. It wouldn’t permanently injure Hogan in any way; that was the basic standard for anything he used as an implement. Yet it would still sting quite a bit! The holes reduced wind resistance and thus increased the force of the smack.
He was just debating if he should pray for patience when there was a knock at the door. Was Hogan early? No, there was no way. Had he, Wilhelm, ever been so much as a second early for anything like this from his father? Not a chance in hell!
“Enter!” he called out.
To his shock, it was Hogan! Well, this was a new occurrence. “Guten abend, Colonel Hogan. You have surprised me tonight. Is your watch early, perhaps?” Klink asked him, his question a serious one.
He knew the American officer didn’t enjoy his punishments, and who in their right mind would? Though I must admit, he is getting better about putting up a fuss, his inner voice said. Maybe I am finally starting to get the idea of discipline through that thick skull of his!
“Guten abend, Herr Oberst,” said Hogan in German. Both the form of address and the choosing of words were quite formal on Hogan’s part. He had done so deliberately, remembering the last time he was here and the words he’d spoken. After all, he was a man of his word and was quite resigned to this unusual method of Klink’s by now. Anything to keep the operation going, his men safe, everyone alive and (reasonably) well.
Besides, he’d heard Schultz (and other Germans as well) always put the word ‘Herr’ in front of any title, so he had confirmation that it was a way of showing respect over here. Granted, it wasn’t done that way in the United States. But different cultures and countries were entitled to have other ways of doing things, right?
However, it resulted in Klink raising his eyebrows. “Rather formal tonight, are we not, Colonel Hogan? Not that I do not appreciate it, mind you,” he added. “But normally, you address me as ‘Colonel’, not with my German title. I was not aware you even knew it. And I have never, ever heard you address me in the customary way of my country without it being in a mocking way.”
He paused for a moment. “How is it you Americans say? ‘What is your slant?’ Is that the right phrase?”
Hogan attempted to be nonchalant, even though he definitely wasn’t feeling that way! “It’s actually ‘What’s your angle?’ And there’s no angle involved tonight, sir…for once. Shocking, I know.”
He sighed and walked over to the other officer before beginning to unbuckle his belt buckle. “I know a lot of things about Germany, its culture and the language. It’s kind of required in my military to know those things as basic survival skills. And how rude would I be if I’d been shot down here and just expected everyone here to speak English? Most people I’ve met here in the last three years either don’t speak it at all or only know a few words of it. Which makes communication an issue, to say the least.” He shrugged. “Besides, it’s not very good manners.”
Hogan added, “I gave you my word last time that if this…situation…happened again, I’d cooperate with you on this without a fuss.” Then he began to remove his uniform pants. “Remember, Kommandant? I believe my exact words were “I’d not only willing lie over your knee the next time without complaining, I’d do it without being told to do so.” Well, this is me holding true to my word.”
Wait, did what he said before to Klink count as giving his word? He wasn’t quite sure; he had just been under duress minutes before at that time, after all. Screw it; it did to him, and that was what counted.
The tall German nodded. “Yes, of course I remember what you said. Though I confess, I neither expected you to remember what you said, nor to hold to it.”
He watched as Hogan initiated the beginning of the now-familiar routine they’d established. “Hogan, was tust du, might I ask? I mean, what are you doing?”
Okay, so it was obvious what he was doing. Despite Hogan’s earlier wisecracks, Klink still had decent vision in both eyes even without his monocle. But without it, it was hard to read anything, and he got headaches if he went without it for too long. Yet this night just kept getting stranger and stranger.
Hogan finished removing the pants and folded them before placing them on the table. “Man, you really do need that monocle if you can’t figure that out, Herr Oberst.” He kept the formal term of address, but it took everything he had in him to keep from making any further smart aleck remarks.
“Like I said, this is me willingly cooperating with you. And attempting to be very respectful, which is extremely difficult and taxing to my nerves. So please, don’t make it awkward. This is quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life…and yes, that includes enduring Gestapo ‘interrogation’, if you can even call it that. Personally, I’m more inclined to call it ‘the warm-up before the official torture’.” He shrugged before frowning. “And by the way, I’m offended. I’m an officer and a gentleman, and I always keep my word.”
Gritting his teeth, he closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at the other man. He didn’t think his nerves could handle eye contact with Klink right now; it was taking everything he had to keep a handle on his composure. Hands shaking, Hogan reached back to lower just the back of his briefs, baring his bottom. Everything else was covered, as usual, but that didn’t make it any less embarrassing. In fact, if anything it was more so since he was doing it himself. Yet he knew the routine by now, and it helped him feel like he had some control over this punishment.
That done, he opened his eyes to see what he was doing before carefully and quickly draping himself over Klink’s lap. Hogan was just hoping this is where the other colonel wanted him tonight. Otherwise it was going to get really weird, really fast.
Klink’s eyes widened and the monocle fell out of his left eye. Out of reflex, he caught it and put it back in without looking. Was he hallucinating? Or a better question…was Hogan sick? The American had never been this cooperative in the entire time the German officer had known him! Something was definitely off tonight.
“Hogan, are you well? This is very unlike you. I am not trying to make this difficult, as I can see you are making a great deal of effort to behave, but…” Now it was Klink’s turn to shrug. “This is very odd behavior from you, nonetheless. Surely you can agree with that.”
“Col – Herr Oberst,” Hogan began. He was fighting to keep the mood he was trying to set tonight, but it was almost impossible by now. Lord, the one time I actually try to work with Klink, and he’s got to play twenty questions!
“I’m fine. Embarrassed as all fuck, but otherwise I’m just fine. However, with all due respect, sir...I can’t sustain this level of cooperation much longer. And I’m trying here, I really am. But you will you just get on with it, please? Ask me your questions afterward, and I’ll answer them the best I can. Whatever you want. But just…please!” He was disgusted at the sound of his own voice, which was a combination of pleading and annoyance. What is this world coming to? he wondered.

Literally asking for it…
Klink rolled his eyes at the request but had to concede Hogan’s point. In acknowledgement of his efforts, and as a sort of reward, he didn’t admonish Hogan for his language. Instead he picked up the plastic spoon and replied, “As you wish, then. I shall ask my questions later.” And with that, the spanking began.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
He struck the bare target in front of him three times in rapid succession before inquiring, “Are you happy now, Hogan?”
“Actually, yes. Danke,” Hogan replied. Was that a slightly grateful tone he heard now as he spoke? Yeah, it was, and it caused his face to flush crimson in shame.
Sure, why not? his inner voice asked. You’re the same weirdo who not only shows up ten minutes early and willingly cooperates with your spanking tonight; you do everything Klink normally has to order you to do during these ‘discussions’ of your own accord! You’re cracking up, Rob!
Well, he was grateful, in a way. The lead-up to everything so far had been tense, but now that it had started it was all up to Klink. In return, he just had to endure it until it was over. In a way, it was a relief. Fortunately, that was all he had time to think as Klink began again.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Unfortunately, that’s when the first twinges of pain kicked in. It wasn’t too bad, all things considered; it was a rather stingy feeling. Definitely better than that horrible belt, Hogan decided. Although to be fair, anything was better than the belt! So there wasn’t really a comparison there. Still, inquiring minds wanted to know, so he had to ask what exactly the weapon of choice was tonight.
“Herr Oberst, what exactly is that…thing…you’re using? I’m not complaining, mind you, but I’m curious.”
Klink just shook his head. The American was still trying to be cooperative, and he had to admire that. “This? It is a plastic spoon. A green one with holes, to be precise.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“The holes reduce wind resistance and increase the sting,” he explained.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“Ow! Yeah, I can tell,” Hogan replied. “Where’d you get that? Ow!”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“From my kitchen, where else?” Klink said.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“Really, you ask the most ridiculous questions sometimes, Hogan!”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“Ow! No need to – Ow! – be sarcastic, Herr Oberst.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“OWWW!,” Hogan shot back. “It was – OW! – a simple question!”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Klink sighed as he continued the spanking. “Hogan, please just call me Colonel Klink.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“I hear enough of my title in German from my colleagues. And to be perfectly honest, I would prefer to hear it in English from you.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“At least when I hear my title from you, you are not calling to scream at me or blame me for some type of nonsense.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“OW! If that’s what – OWWW! – you want, then – OWWW, OWWW! – sure, Colonel Klink. OWWW!” Hogan was trying not to complain, but he couldn’t help it. Klink had been right about that increased sting!
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“OW, OWWW! And how am I – OWWW, OW! – supposed to – OWWW, OWWW! – call you? OWWW! From what phone, might I ask? OWWW, OWWW, OWWW!”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“Sarcasm will get you nowhere, my dear Colonel Hogan.” Klink replied in return.
“OWWW, OWWW! It was an honest – OWWW, OWWW – question!” Hogan replied hotly. “Holy shit, that really hurts! OWWW!”
He knew he was complaining now, but it really was unavoidable. After all, it wasn’t easy lying there and receiving a bare bottom spanking with a plastic spoon! The plastic was causing the spoon to snap back and strike again in the same spot quickly, effectively making each hit equal two hits.
From his prior experience, Hogan knew it wasn’t as bad as the belt, but Hogan felt it could tie with the riding crop in his current state. Note to self: make that spoon mysteriously ‘disappear’. And anyway, he’d tried not to complain at first. His best was all he could do, after all.
Rolling his eyes, Klink said “Mein Gott, Hogan, a spanking is supposed to hurt! Apparently, I have taught you nothing regarding the effectiveness of discipline so far. I will be sure to remedy that in the future. Now enough chatter from you. Just be silent and take your punishment like a good boy.”
Well, Hogan had plenty he wanted to say to that! Snappy comebacks like “I’d like to see you trade places with me and see how you like it!”, “I’d really rather just go back to my barracks if you don’t mind.” and other smart aleck remarks came to mind. However, after reflecting on his current position he decided against it. It was probably best not to further anger the German who – for the moment – was making very sure he paid attention!
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“OWWW, OWWW, OWWW!” Okay, this was getting ridiculous. Hogan knew what Klink’s goal was, and that was for him to break down crying. ‘Surrendering to his emotions’, as Klink called it. “OWWW, OWWW, OWWW!”
Even to his own ears, Hogan’s voice sounded pitiful. He was close to that point anyway, so why not just let it happen? How long had his spanking been going on anyway? Two hours? A year? Five years? He began to squirm and try to kick his feet, which did absolutely no good. Just like the last time he’d done so, Klink pinned them between his lower legs and continued spanking him. Which was actually worse, because the position meant that his buttocks were pulled taut and made every swat hurt even more!
Surely it hadn’t been five years, since such a time frame was completely unreasonable. Yet Hogan didn’t know for sure, because any time he found himself in this predicament, time seemed to both drag on and pause at the same time. And while that wasn’t physically possible, it didn’t change his take on it. Still, he did have a mulish streak a mile wide; Klink was correct in that assessment. It wasn’t in his nature to give in to anything!
Maybe he could fake it? He’d never been an actor of any kind or been in any plays, but he’d seen kids have temper tantrums in his youth. Those fake tears kids cried usually seemed to work. It’s worth a shot, right?
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“Ow! Owww!” Hogan tested out his theory as he let his eyes water a little. It was, needless to say, difficult and unusual to try and fake emotion.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“Ow! Owww!” Hogan was, by nature, a genuine and honest person with his emotions. Yeah, he had to keep them hidden most of the time; doing so was a necessary survival tactic in a POW camp. Come to think of it, so was his poker face. However when he did display emotion, it was real and not faked.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“I am not impressed by your crocodile tears, Hogan. I can sit here all night, you know. I cannot say the same for you; it may be awkward for you if we are still here when morning roll call happens.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Klink continued on swinging that damned spoon as he spoke. “However, I am quite comfortable. I am sure you are not, but then you are not supposed to be.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“If you are going to cry any tears, at least make them genuine. Do not insult my intelligence or yours with fake ones…which, by the way, are terrible. I have seen better in the last play I was in as a child,” he added.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Well, crap. Hogan had forgotten Klink was an actor, or at least had been an aspiring one in his youth. And okay, even he had to admit that those fake tears had been terrible. The pitch had been way too low and calm, for one thing. But life had no do-overs. Therefore what was said was said, and what was done was done.
At least I didn’t choose that career field. One disaster averted, he thought. Unfortunately, he was currently weathering another one; a duo named Wilhelm Klink and his horrible spoon with holes! Or rather, his poor behind was anyway.
And in the middle of that thought, he made another alarming discovery: at some point, Klink had switched to smacking his sit spots. Obviously the older man had done this a few minutes prior, because he was already at the breaking point. Those were the most tender areas of his butt, a fact he knew from experience that Klink was aware of.
Trust Klink to find a weakness and exploit it! And as an added ‘bonus’, the Kommandant always seemed to wait until Hogan was just short of breaking down to target them.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“OWWW, OWWW, OWWW!” Overall, it was a rather terrible – yet quickly effective – way to round things off, since everything else was especially tender in comparison. As was the usual status quo, his butt felt inflamed and swollen. Hogan knew from his past punishments that when he looked in the mirror, it wouldn’t be that noticeable. Yet he felt every swat in a big way, especially given Klink’s chosen ‘weapon’! A few more and he would end up –
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“OWWWWWWWWWWIE!” – doing that. Hogan let the tears fall as he openly began to sob, and once he did it was like a dam bursting.
Damnmit, but he hated feeling like this. Robert Hogan didn’t do helpless and emotional well, he never had. He preferred to be the one doing the rescuing, not the one needing to be rescued! And by the way, what was it about these spankings that gave him ultimate clarity when it came to his personality? He didn’t know, but it really sucked!

The aftermath, part one…
Hogan’s shoulders started to shake as he continued to sob. Or wail, actually. Technically it was probably a cross between a loud sob and a soft wail, not that he was overly concerned about it. Hogan was more concerned about getting his current ordeal over with and finding a patch of snow to sit in.
Uh, it might be a little obvious something’s going on with you if you leave butt-shaped patches of melted snow everywhere, his common sense pointed out.
Oh, shut up! Who asked you anyway? Not us, his snarky inner voice pointed out.
A little concerned about the fact that he not only had an inner monologue but was, in fact, arguing with himself, the American didn’t register at first that a slender hand was rubbing soothing circles on his back. He knew without looking that the fingers belonging to the hand were long, and that the hand belonged to Klink.
Well, no shit. Who else would it belong to, dummy? And there was that snarky voice again!
“Robert? Robert, calm down. You did quite well,” said Klink, setting the spoon aside. “Once again, you impress me. I fully expected more grousing about this from you.”
He continued to rub those soothing circles on his chastised brat’s back, having observed previously that they seemed to help the younger colonel calm down. While the breaking down and emotional release were important for Hogan, it was equally important to put the well-spanked colonel back together again as well.
“Huh?” Not the most intelligent sentence he’d ever uttered…actually, it was close to the bottom of the list…but Hogan was still trying to get his emotions under control. He was lucky to manage to utter that, if he was honest with himself.
“What?” And there was another example of a not-so-intelligent sentence from his currently limited vocabulary.
“I said, you did quite well,” repeated Klink. “You know, I have said it before to you, but I shall repeat myself: you have a large stubborn streak, Robert. Things would go so much easier for both you and myself if you would let yourself go emotionally sooner into your punishment. I know you are in pain; I can see it and I can hear it. So why do you persist in ‘digging in your heels’, so to speak?”
Hogan hiccupped as he craned his neck to look at Klink. “I…well…” He hiccupped, took a deep breath and tried again. “It’s not on purpo –"
He hiccupped a few more times and held up a hand, motioning for Klink to give him a few minutes to gather his thoughts and calm down. As Klink nodded his acceptance of his unspoken request, he thought about how to answer that without sounding like he was trying to be difficult.
Taking another deep breath, he tried to speak yet again. “I’m not doing it on purpose. I…I just feel like it makes me look weak, you know?”
“Weak? To whom, Robert? It is just you and me in here, unless there is a ghost or something else in here with us. I do not think it makes you look weak. On the contrary, I think it is a good thing for you. There is a time to be stubborn and a time to give in. Life is all about balance.” Klink looked at the tear tracks on his senior prisoner of war officer’s face.
“I think that it would be much easier on you if you learned that,” he added thoughtfully. “I really thought tonight would be the night you would hold out until the next roll call. Although that would have been quite a show for the rest of the camp,” he teased.
Hogan cocked his head as he considered the other officer’s words. “Yeah, that’s true enough. And while I agree with you, I’m afraid it’s just not possible. I’m not hardwired that way.” He gave a small smirk. “But if you’re that concerned with making things ‘easier on me’, we don’t have to do this anymore. I promise I’ll still come and visit you so we can play chess and stuff. You know, things that involve me being able to sit down?”
Rolling his eyes at Klink’s suggestion, he added, “Oh yeah, that would be a real barrel of laughs…until one of my men personally delivered the war zone to us!”
Now it was Klink’s turn to roll his eyes. “Robert, you are – what is the English term – a ham?” he wondered. “Ah yes, that is it. You are such a ham! I have never met a bigger brat than you in my entire life. Even my nephews figured out not to cross me after about half a dozen times.”
English is indeed a strange language, he decided.
“Yeah, that’s the right word.” Where did Klink learn that term? he wondered.
“But look, to be fair, we’ve only had four of these ‘discus –" Hogan cut himself off as he realized what he was implying.
Unfortunately, he realized that he did so too late when he saw the mischievous gleam in Klink’s eye.
Oh, way to go! Open mouth, insert foot. You’ve done it again, Rob!
Klink just gave him a knowing smirk. “Four? Well, you are correct, Robert. Four is indeed less than six, at least here in Germany. Two less, actually. So, what you are telling me is that you need at least two more ‘discussions’ to figure out if you can stay out of trouble then, correct?”
He appeared to mull that over. “I am sure I can arrange that, if you wish.”
He shook a slender finger at Hogan. “Actually I do not have to, come to think of it. I have every confidence in your ability to do that yourself in whatever caper you find yourself involved in next time.”
“What makes you think there’s going to be a next time? I’m not a glutton for punishment, you know.” Hogan folded his arms and pouted.
“I feel like you don’t think I can keep myself out of trouble. Trust me, this isn’t my idea of a great time. Or even a good time,” he added as an afterthought. “By the way, four is two less than six in the United States as well, sir.”
Klink just gave him an incredulous look. “So says the brat who – just two and a half weeks ago – swore that he was ‘going to be a model prisoner of war here.’ While I cannot speak for you, Robert, my memory recollection skills are excellent.”
Then he held up his hands. “Well, you have your own math system in America, unlike the rest of the world who use the metric system. How was I supposed to know that? Conversions and whatnot, you know.”
Hogan opened his mouth to deny it, but he quickly snapped it shut. Indeed, his memory recollection skills were excellent as well. And he yes, he had said that; but come on! Not for the first time tonight, he questioned if things said while under duress or right afterwards counted as binding.
Choosing to ignore the math systems comment, he replied, “Okay, true. But c’mon Colonel Klink, at least it wasn’t directly my fault this time! Doesn’t that count for anything?” he asked.
“A little bit, yes,” Klink conceded. “And you seem to have gotten the hang of keeping yourself out of trouble.”
He shrugged and added, “But once again – as I have said many times now – you are responsible for not only you, but your men as well.”
He gave the American a questioning look. “Do I honestly need to write this down for you? Maybe pin it to your bomber jacket, like teachers do when they send notes home from school with young pupils?”
Hogan groaned. “Oh, that’s hilarious. Can’t you see me just dying of laughter over here?”
He huffed and said haughtily, “And just how do you propose I explain that to my men?” Well, he said it as haughtily as one could in his current position, which to his amazement he realized was still over Klink’s lap like a little kid being scolded.
And while he knew he should be embarrassed that he was still there like that, his mind wasn’t focused on that. He was too wrapped up in his talk with Klink…and trying to figure out the best way to bait him. He’d enjoyed the adrenaline rush from the keep-away game earlier in the day, so somehow he decided that baiting the German in his present position would be a good idea to recreate it!
Klink threw up his hands. “How should I know? How do you explain anything to that ragtag group of misfits you call your men? Really, Robert, do I look like a prisoner of war to you?”
He gestured to the rest of his quarters. “In case you have not noticed, this is not a barracks; it is the Kommandant’s quarters.” He made sure to stress the word ‘Kommandant’, just in case Hogan had missed the emphasis on it.
A frown appeared on Hogan’s face as Klink stopped speaking. “Please don’t refer to my men that way, Colonel Klink. None of us asked to be here at this fabulous country club, you know.”
Then he got the familiar mischievous gleam in his eyes, the one he got when he was plotting something. “Well, would you like to be, sir? We can trade. My office is a bit small, but it’ll work for you, I’m sure. And POWs don’t have to do any paperwork! Plus, the senior POW officer gets the daily joy of harassing the camp’s Kommandant. It’s really fun.” Hogan let a smirk play over his lips as he spoke.
Klink let out a groan. “You Americans and your sense of humor! How exactly would I explain that to General Burkhalter? For that matter, how would I explain that to Major Hochstetter or anyone else in Berlin?”
A thoughtful look came over his face as he actually thought it over. No paperwork, harassing Hogan daily…no! It was impossible, and anyway he didn’t fancy cold showers. “Well, I concur that you do that well enough, Robert. In fact, you do it too well.”
The American colonel shrugged and parroted the German’s colonel’s words back at him, changing only a few of them. “How should I know? How do you explain anything to that ragtag group of insane people you call your bosses? Really, sir, do I look like a camp Kommandant to you?”
Oh, but it was such fun when you could turn someone’s words back on them! Truly, it was a rare treat, so Hogan relished every moment of it.
Klink narrowed his eyes. Oh, this brat thought he was funny! “I am not amused, Hogan. Not in the slightest. Now, kindly remove yourself from my lap and fix your clothing. We still need to discuss the matter of Corporal Newkirk and that codebook he stole from my safe.”
Hogan yawned and stretched his arms out in front of him, wiggling his fingers as he flexed them. “Newkirk didn’t ‘steal’ anything, sir. If he’d stolen it, he wouldn’t have still been there reading it when you and Major Hochstetter came back. He was just doing some spring cleaning for you and making sure it was something he couldn’t throw away!”
Klink gaped at his senior POW officer. “Spring cleaning? In the middle of winter? In my safe?!” he exclaimed. “That is the biggest whopper you have told me yet, Hogan. Why would he be doing spring cleaning in my safe? More importantly, how did he get in my safe?!”
He shook his head. “Besides, that book was Major Hochstetter’s property, not mine.”
Summoning his most innocent look, Hogan replied, “Well, yeah! You have us clean the rest of your office, and the safe needs cleaning too! Dust bunnies will kick up your allergies and make you sneeze, you know.”
Changing his look from innocent to indignant, he added, “And how was Newkirk supposed to know that? If it didn’t have Hochstetter’s name on it, he couldn’t be sure of whose it was, right? Better safe than sorry, I always say.”
He completely ignored the question of just how Newkirk had accessed the safe. If Klink didn’t know what safecracking was, Hogan sure wasn’t going to tell him!
Klink closed his eyes briefly, praying for the patience to deal with his troublemaker; the very same one whose mouth was running away with him tonight! Since when is Hogan this bold after a spanking from me? Am I losing my touch? he wondered. “I agree with you, Hogan. If Hochstetter’s name wasn’t on…”
He trailed off as something else occurred to him. “But Newkirk should not have even been in my office!”
Sighing, he added, “And Hogan, I do not have…oh, never mind.” He had bigger issues at the moment than discussing dust allergies. Then he tapped Hogan on his right shoulder blade. “Now, kindly get up so we can discuss this matter like civilized people.”
The younger man just shook his head. The perfect way to bait the tall German had just come to him. He would just refuse to move until after Klink had asked his questions! Now the question was, was he pushing his luck? Probably. Was it stupid? Oh, most definitely. But the other colonel had managed to get the better of him lately emotionally, so turnabout was fair play!
His mind made up, Hogan replied, “If it’s all the same to you, Colonel Klink, I’ll just stay here while we talk. Might as well, you’ll probably just get all pissy with me again when you undoubtedly ask questions I can’t answer. And I don’t believe in wasting unnecessary energy.”
He shrugged. “Waste not, want not. Now, what do you want to know?”
Taken aback, Klink stared at his defiant troublemaker for a moment. Had he heard Hogan correctly just now? No, he had to have misheard his wayward brat, because there was no way Hogan had actually said that. “I shall have you know, I have never gotten what you call ‘pissy’, Colonel Hogan. But I might start if you do not get up this instant!”
Hogan shook his head. “Nope. I think I’ll pass. I’m kinda comfortable where I’m at, actually.” He made a show of yawning. “Are we gonna talk or not? This is a one night offer only, you know.”
Now Klink let out a low growl. “Robert Hogan, you have exactly two choices. You can either get yourself up off my lap, fix your clothing and sit here next to me while we discuss the matter of Corporal Newkirk. Or…” He let his voice trail off menacingly.
Hogan blinked. He heard the change in tone and knew he shouldn’t push it…but what the hell. In for a penny, in for a pound. And he was feeling risky tonight anyway. Besides, he’d already made up his mind, and he wasn’t a fickle sort of guy.
“I’m pretty sure you said ‘two’ choices, Kommandant. What’s the second one?” He didn’t think he would like the sound of the second one, but he’d come this far.
“Or…we can commence with round two of your spanking until you heed some common sense…at which point then you can get yourself up off my lap, fix your clothing and sit here next to me while we discuss the matter of Corporal Newkirk. Albeit with a much sorer bottom!” Klink threatened.
Surely the American wasn’t stupid enough to push him any more on this issue, right? He didn’t think so, but with Hogan you could never quite figure out which way he might go. It made hedging one’s bets almost mandatory when dealing with the sly POW officer.
Well, okay then. That had been the other choice Hogan expected, but to hear it out loud was somewhat sobering. Still, the reckless part of him that craved adrenaline was in full motion, so before he quite knew what he was doing, he replied, “You’re bluffing. You wouldn’t spank me anymore tonight. Like you’ve said before, you don’t want to injure me.”
He grinned and made a show of examining his fingernails as he added, “By the way, I like your Hochstetter impersonation. But it needs more menace, and maybe a little more of a throaty sound.”
Rob, you’ve got to be the dumbest individual on the planet, and I can’t deal with you anymore. You’ve gotten yourself into another stupid situation and I’m leaving you to deal with it by yourself, his common sense snapped at him in frustration. Ciao!
Okay, now why did he hear the sound of a door slamming in his head?

And so, it begins again…
Now it was Klink’s turn to look surprised. That was not what he’d expected Hogan to say! “Insolence! You think I am bluffing, do you? I shall prove to you that I am not!” He picked up his hand and began to swat the bare target in front of him, making sure to hit his sit spots.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
They weren’t overly hard ones, but enough to show he meant business. “And by the way, I do not sound like Hochstetter!” Is Hogan out of his mind? “Insufferable brat. How in the world did your parents ever deal with you?”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“OW!” Okay, maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea. Hogan’s butt was still tender, and Klink was smacking his sit spots!
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“Ow! Hey, watch it, Colonel. That’s tender flesh!”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“I’m – Ow! – not a brat, and – Ow! – I’m not insufferable! I also plead the fifth to that question.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“What are you going on about, Hogan? The fifth of what?” Klink inquired as he continued to spank.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“I do not understand you sometimes. Speak English properly, will you?”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Hogan managed to roll his eyes. “Oh, you’ve got a lot of nerve! Your – OW! – native language is German.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Hissing, he added, “It’s in – OW! – the American Constitution. The – OW! – fifth means I refuse to answer a question. Oww!”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“You have something in your Constitution that allows you free reign not to answer a question when asked?” Klink asked.
Well, that was something he hadn’t known. Germany’s rules weren’t that lenient. He filed that interesting tidbit away to wonder about later as he scoffed. “No wonder the Allies are losing the war; lack of discipline everywhere.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Hogan scowled at the older man. “Yeah, except inside this room, apparently.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“Oww, Oww, OWW! Hey, Iron Eagle…would you – OWW! – mind lightening up with your wings back there? Owww!”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
He pointedly ignored the often-heard barb about the Allies the war; every POW in Stalag 13 knew the truth for what it was. Hell, a few of the guards probably did too, but none of them were dumb enough to contradict their commanding officer about it! The threat of being sent to the Russian Front was chilling enough to keep anyone’s mouth shut.
Plus, you know, it’s also treason to take the enemy’s side, his common sense said.
Oh, you’re back? I thought you left me to handle this ‘dumb situation’ myself. What changed your mind? his inner voice asked.
I forgot my suitcase, it replied.
Oh great, now Hogan was having mental conversations with himself. Maybe he was ‘completely crackers’ as Newkirk might say!
Meanwhile, Klink was still swatting him, which had reignited the fire in his behind.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Hogan didn’t know that was even possible, but at this point, he wasn’t surprised. Deciding to make use what he’d discovered earlier, he didn’t kick his feet this time as he didn’t want his legs pinned again. Instead, he squirmed around and tried to get away from Klink.
Hogan thought about maybe trying to roll onto the floor or something…or really anywhere in which he could get his bare butt out of Klink’s spanking range. It was worth a shot, right? Yet the table was too close to carry out this move in reality, not that he got a chance to find that out firsthand. Not being experienced at evading this sort of thing, Hogan didn’t move fast enough.
It only resulted in the German officer grabbing him around the waist mid-roll before yanking the American officer back into place on his lap. And the worse part was he never even let up spanking him while he did it! Then Klink proceeded to pin his legs anyway, causing the same situation as before. Only now it was worse since he’d shown his hand, and he was pretty sure Klink knew it.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“A good attempt at escaping me, Colonel Hogan, but not good enough. Do you really think no one has tried that before?”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“You really are a glutton for punishment, hmmm? At the rate you are going, Hogan, I will have to keep you here and teach you proper discipline until after the end of the war! And perhaps through the end of the next war too,” he added thoughtfully.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Oh yeah, Klink definitely knew it and he didn’t sound too happy about it. God above, how long had round two of his spanking been going on? It felt like an additional five years, especially since his rear end was already extremely tender from the first round!
“The next war? Geez, Kommandant, isn’t two wars enough for you? Are you gonna start the next one?” Hogan grinned…but since he was gritting his teeth in pain when the swats landed, it didn’t look very nice.
“Well, if you are, it’s a good idea if you start it…then you can make yourself a general! Wait, can you promote yourself in the military?” he wondered out loud. “I know the wanna-be painter with the moustache did it, but he’s crazy anyway, so –"
“HOGAN! I will remind you that that is our beloved Führer you are speaking of!” Klink exclaimed.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“You dare to disrespect him in the middle of Germany?!” Hogan must be completely mad, he decided.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“And I will also remind you that you instigated this second round of punishment. I did tell you to get up before I began.” he pointed out. “Several times, in fact. I have also informed you before that I do not joke about such things.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
“I shall also thank you not to mock me; after all, you are not in a position to really do so at the moment,” he added with a smug look.
“OWWWW! Well, you did it before,” the American pointed out reasonably. “OWW! And I’d like to – OW! – point out that he’s not my ‘beloved Führer’. I’m an American and we – OW! – have a democracy and a president like – OWW! – most normal people!”
Damn, but now he was definitely sure that antagonizing Klink with a still-sore bottom hadn’t been the best idea! “Me? I was – OW, OWW, OWWW! – just trying to save you some effort by staying where I was!”
Yep, the fire in his tail had been successfully relit, and he was going to have to have to throw in the towel in about a minute. Okay, chalk this one up as a bad idea to never repeat. Put it on the ‘never do it again’ list, right below earning Klink’s belt, he thought mournfully.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
His response wiped the smug look right off Klink’s face. Hogan had a point in that regard. Rather than lowering himself to reply to that comment, he glanced down at the current target he was disciplining. Much as he would like to teach the flippant American officer a thing or two about challenging him, he was going to have to stop.
Because, once again, Hogan was correct. Klink didn’t want to injure him, only teach him a lesson. Unfortunately, he knew he had a bit of a temper…and the only two men in this camp who could successfully raise it every time were the troublemaker over his lap and his Sergeant of the Guard. And woe was him when they teamed up!
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
That decided, he sighed with resignation. He would end the spanking for tonight, but it would be with ‘twelve of the best’. That term was normally only used when receiving a caning in schools, but it still applied here, nonetheless. The swats to Hogan’s sit spots – which until now had been firm but not overly hard – were about to become harder. Call it a finishing move, if you will.
Then Klink raised his hand and brought it down twelve quick times in a row with as much force as he dared to use.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
He stopped and lowered his hand as he noticed a sudden pressure on his other arm. “Hogan, I – Was tust du?” he asked, bewildered. He’d felt something there earlier, but he hadn’t really looked to see what it was until now.

The aftermath, part two…
Klink looked down at his senior POW officer, whose shoulders were shaking and who was quietly sobbing. Normally when the American did that, he was a bit more vocal. Maybe he just does not have the energy to do so? his inner voice asked.
Klink had to admit that he’d probably worn the younger man out, but only a fool would challenge their disciplinarian right after a spanking! Especially when that person wasn’t even out of the line of fire yet. He eyed the bare bottom in front of him with a trained eye. He had to conclude that it probably hurt like hell, especially with the fire so quickly reignited in it! Yet other than that, it didn’t look too bad. The skin was a dark pink tonight instead of red or bruised.
The spoon is a good choice for this then, he mused. It produces maximum results with minimal damage.
It was also interesting to see that Hogan had grabbed his lower arm at some point and was holding onto it like a life preserver in the ocean. Well that explained the sudden pressure on his arm he had just noticed, at any rate.
Hogan, who had previously been gripping the arm of the sofa for all he was worth, had switched to holding onto something else in the last minute or two. Wanting something – not softer, but more comforting, somehow – he’d switched his grip onto Klink’s non-dominant lower arm instead, the one not attached to the hand punishing him. He couldn’t really say why, other than it just seemed like the thing to do. He blinked, trying to clear away the tears but not wanting to let go of his current anchor. Going through two rounds of discipline under Klink in one night had almost wiped him out emotionally.
As a result, he wasn’t sure how well he was going to be able to focus on giving safe answers to Klink’s questions. He would manage it, of course, because he had to. But it would be an interesting experience anyway. And was he still being spanked? He thought he might be, but his ears seemed to have clogged a little. The result made sound kind of hazy. And either way, his rear end was on fire…again! There was absolutely no way he could handle any more of this tonight.
“I give up! You were right, okay? Just sto…sto…stooppp!” he managed to get out as the wave of emotions hit him for the second time that night.
“Ho –" Klink cut himself off mid-word, switching to the more familiar form of address he used with Hogan after a spanking. Why was Hogan asking him, Wilhelm, to stop spanking him, Hogan, when he’d already done so? Then it dawned on Klink what was happening.
Oh dear, he thinks he is still being punished! I must fix this. “Robert. Robert, listen to me.”
He began to rub soothing circles on Hogan’s back for the second time that evening. “It is done. No more punishment tonight. Sssh, calm down. I promise you, it cannot be that bad. Come on now, stand up and have a look in the mirror. Believe you me, your bottom has looked far worse at other times.”
Clearly, his brat had learned a painful lesson, one that he would hopefully remember! That was the hope as he continued to rub the other man’s back. “Robert, can you hear me?”
Hogan was still gripping his arm in a death grip and not answering him back, which was a bit worrisome.
Hogan nodded his head, slowly becoming aware that Klink had stopped spanking him…for the second time that night!
Well look, you can’t blame this one on him, his common sense piped up. You challenged him and brought it on yourself!
Okay, that much was true. But so much of what Klink said or threatened to do was mostly bluster anyway, so how was he to know that this was the one time the tall German would follow through?
“I…I…yeah,” he said, his voice still tearful. He hiccupped and took a deep breath before hiccupping again. “Just…hang on.” Then he hiccupped a third time and took another deep breath.
Klink inclined his head in agreement and replied, “Take your time. Although not too much of it if you please, as it is just past 2300 hours.” (11:00pm.)
Deciding to give Hogan some space to gather his thoughts, he silently kept rubbing circles on the other officer’s back in an attempt to help him in his efforts.
Slowly, Hogan was able to calm himself down enough to where he could talk without hiccupping after about five minutes.
“Well, that was…an interesting experience.” He tried to smile, but it was very faint. “Am I…am I bleeding? How bad is it?”
“An ‘interesting experience’, he calls it,” Klink muttered. “Robert, you are the only person I know – that I have ever known – who I could spank the living daylights out of and yet you just call it ‘an interesting experience.’ What am I going to do with you?”
He threw his hands up in frustration. “But to answer your question: no, you are not bleeding.” The German colonel sounded highly offended at the mere suggestion. “I told you I would never injure you, and I keep my word. Or have you not figured that out in the last fifteen minutes or so? Stubborn brat!”
He tapped Hogan’s right shoulder blade again. “And the skin is not even bruised. So, let us try this again, shall we? Up you get, and you can look at your bottom in the mirror. I am certain that it feels far worse than it looks.”
“There’s no possible way it can only feel worse than it looks. My butt feels like I sat in lava!” Hogan exclaimed.
But since he didn't want to push his luck a third time tonight, Hogan nodded. Forgetting that he was still gripping Klink’s lower arm, he went to get up. But since he was still holding onto the older man, he encountered some resistance in that regard.
“Um, I’m not trying to disobey you again or anything tonight Kommandant…but I think I’m stuck somehow,” he said sheepishly.
“That would be because you have to let go of my arm first, Robert,” Klink pointed out with an amused grin. “Though I admit, you are quite strong.”
Then Hogan let go of his arm and Klink moved it around, trying to get the feeling back into it. “Danke. You have a good grip on you.”
Now it was Hogan’s turn to grin as he stood up. “Thanks. Sorry about that sir. I’m not sure when that happened, since originally I was holding onto the arm of the sofa.”
He jerkily staggered to his feet but didn’t make any move to pull up his briefs. “Okay…where’s there a mirror in here?”
“In the bedroom, to the right of the dresser you left your uniform pants on the last time you were here,” Klink replied. “You will not be able to miss it.”
As he stood, he noticed Hogan walking backward toward the bedroom instead of forward. It was a classic move to keep one’s butt out of the line of fire – so to speak – and the very sight of it made him grin. He remembered doing that himself a few times, but it was funny to see it done when it wasn’t you in trouble! The older man followed Hogan into the bedroom and flipped on the light.
“See? Like I told you, it certainly feels worse than it looks, yes?”
“No kidding. I was fully expecting to see...okay, I don’t know what I was expecting to see, but it wasn’t this,” Hogan admitted. “I guess I figured I’d be bruised all to hell and back.”
“Language, Robert,” Klink chided. “And no, but I can do that for you next time if you wish.”
He let out a small chuckle at the stunned look on Hogan’s face, which was priceless. “I said ‘next time’ Robert, not tonight. So relax. Anyway, I was only joking; I would never set out with the express intention of bruising you.”
He motioned to the American’s waist. “Do you require some assistance fixing your clothing, or can you manage?”
“What I ‘require’ is permission from you to go outside and sit in the snow for about an hour…just until the lava fire in my butt cools off,” Hogan grumbled. “Just tell the guards I’m trying to discover the meaning of life while I’m out there or something.”
Then he pulled up his briefs, letting out an audible hiss of pain as he did so. “You think if I only sit outside for an hour, it’ll have snowed enough by morning to cover the few butt-shaped patches of melted snow?” he inquired.
Klink raised his eyebrows at the strange question. Butt-shaped patches of melted snow? he wondered. His bottom wasn’t literally hot enough to melt snow. Hogan was such a drama queen!
“Indeed, it will have…but then you will get sick from sitting outside in freezing weather. That is a risk to your health, and you are not allowed to do that. So that entire chain of events would end with you right back in here with me again. You will end up having those six ‘discussions’ with me yet, little brat,” Klink replied with a smirk.
“I’ll pass on that generous offer, thanks. And doesn’t tonight technically count as two ‘discussions’?” asked Hogan as he crossed his arms and huffed.
He motioned for Klink to lead the way out of the bedroom and back to the sofa as he turned off the light behind them. He wasn’t taking any chances on a surprise swat or two ‘just because’, since he now knew Klink could be devious when he wanted to be. As the pair reached the sofa, he carefully put back on his uniform pants and buckled them.
Then he moved the pillow he normally sat on afterwards next to Klink, who had already taken a seat. Yet Hogan himself still stood, looking around for something softer to put on top of the pillow. Somehow, he figured he would need it tonight!
“Are you waiting for a written invitation, Robert? If you are, then I am afraid you are out of luck, as there is no mail on Sundays and tomorrow is Sunday. Now sit down,” said Klink irritably. What in the world was his senior POW officer doing now?
“No sir, I’m not. I’m just trying to figure out how many pillows I need to make this softer to – hey!” Hogan yelped in surprise as Klink reached out and yanked him down by the arm to sit on the sofa.
He groaned as his sore butt made harsher contact with the pillow then he’d planned on. “Owww!” He looked at the other colonel, stuck out his lower lip in his best pout and gave him innocent puppy dog eyes. “That really hurt!”
Rolling his eyes, Klink said, “Drama queen. It was your own fault for not sitting down in a timely matter, but now your problem is solved. You are sitting here, and we can discuss the matter of Corporal Newkirk. After an hour of your foolishness, I might add,” he said wryly.
“Only an hour? You’ve gotta be mistaken, sir. That first round felt like five years, and the second one felt like another five years so…I’d say we’re somewhere in the 1950s now, right? Hey, is the war over yet?” Hogan asked hopefully.
“Very funny, Robert. But I am afraid you exaggerate. If the war is indeed over, I would say the Allies invaded rather quietly, would you not agree?” Klink replied drily.
He didn’t wonder why he just assumed that the Allies would win, since it was merely a slip of the tongue. Or at least that was the lie he was telling himself – to actually admit that an Allied victory seemed inevitable at this point, even to himself – seemed unwise.
“Also, that would mean they never thought to search in here for anyone…or if they did, they saw the leader of the POWs in here with me being spanked and decided not to interfere. Perhaps your brass agrees with my methods then, hmmm?” asked Klink with a smirk.
Folding his arms and huffing for the third time that night, the senior POW snapped back, “Who was exaggerating? I’m telling you, time seems to stop when I’m in here. And that’s not a good thing!” he added.
The mental image of General Barton or anyone else seeing him spanked like that made him shudder.
“I really hope not. I don’t know about the Luftwaffe, but you’ve got a lot of people you have to climb over to become a colonel in the Army Air Force. I’m sure there are quite a few people who’d love to have a crack at me,” Hogan informed him.
When had huffing become a habit of his? Hogan wasn’t sure, but it seemed to be an instinctive move lately on his part. Well, that and pouting. Klink made him feel like he was a little kid who got caught stealing cookies or something, and it sucked!
“Not that I’d let them, mind you,” he added. “I only let –" Hogan abruptly shut up as he realized for the second time that night he was giving away the game.
Was it too much to hope that Klink wouldn’t notice it? His heart sank as he saw the curious gleam in the other man’s eyes. Yep, apparently it was too much to hope for. Oh, this didn’t bode well, because no doubt the older man would want an explanation.
Raising an eyebrow, Klink asked “Only let…what?”
He eyed Hogan suspiciously. He had an inkling what might have been left unsaid, but he wanted confirmation from the younger man. This should be interesting to hear, if what Hogan hadn’t said was what he thought it might be.
“This, I wish to hear. What were you going to say, Robert?” He shook a slender finger in warning. “And do not lie to me. I may tolerate many things from you at times, but lying is not one of them.”
Well, he’d done it now. Normally Robert Hogan could dance around Wilhelm Klink all day long verbally. He could weave so many half-truths and lies that the Kommandant wouldn’t know which way was up, even if you paid him to know. Unfortunately, after these ‘discussions’ it was like he was more emotionally vulnerable. Either that, or Klink got smarter somehow. He would have to keep an eye on that, because too much information in the wrong hands could be dangerous for both parties.
Sighing, Hogan steeled his nerves for what he was about to say. He really didn’t do emotional or sappy well. Then he replied in a soft voice, “You, sir.“
He looked Klink in the eye, his own brown eyes meeting blue ones. “I only let you do this to me. Nobody else.”
Then he looked away in embarrassment, focusing on his hands…which were folded in his lap. “I have no idea why…well, actually that’s not all the way truthful. I do, but it’s embarrassing.”
“And why would that be, Robert?” Klink asked him in a gentle voice. He knew it was hard to admit to something that you needed help with, especially when you didn’t want to admit you needed the help. Yet he had to know where this was going. What was on Hogan’s mind?
Normally, he would insist the other officer look at him when speaking as a sign of respect, but he could see this was a touchy issue for Hogan. Noting this, he didn’t force the issue. Instead, Klink let him speak.
Hogan blew out a breath of air upward, causing his black hair to ruffle slightly. “Well, I…” He coughed and tried again. “I know you…” Damnmit, why couldn’t he spit the words out?
Come on, you’ve got this! There was his inner voice again, cheering him on.
He turned his head back to look at Klink, who looked surprisingly gentle for a man who’d just spent the last hour continuously lighting his tail on fire not only once, but twice!
“I…Iknowyou’rejusttryingtohelpmebeabetterperson,” he said quickly.
The words were all jumbled together, and he was quite sure they weren’t understandable at all. Maybe he should try that again?
“Sorry, that was awful, huh?” he asked with the shadow of a grin. “Let me try that again.”
He was still looking at Klink, but he closed his eyes when he spoke this time. He needed to focus on enunciating slowly and clearly, plus he couldn’t bear it if he saw pity in Klink’s blue eyes.
“What I said was, I know you’re just trying to help me be a better person. You don’t do this because you haven’t got anything better to do, because you’re sadistic or anything else. You do it because you apparently give a damn about me for some odd reason – I don’t know why, I’m only a prisoner here – and that’s different than the reason anyone else would try to do this. They’d do it for laughs, to humiliate me or blackmail me. But you?” Hogan shook his head. “You’re different is all.”
He forced a chuckle. “That was probably the sappiest thing I’ve ever said. Just ignore it.”
Blinking, Klink didn’t speak as Hogan translated his previous mumbling. He had to admit it was a surprise to hear the American admit how he saw things. Certainly, it was a surprise how Hogan saw him.
But there was one thing that bothered him, which he would address now. “Robert, open your eyes please. I need you to hear this, and I need you to know that I mean it. So I would like you to look at me.”
Shaking his head, Hogan replied, “I can hear you just fine, sir.”
His cheeks were still burning from being embarrassed, and he wanted time to let the pity, if there was any, in Klink’s eyes disappear first.
Swinging his fist as he sometimes did, Klink said “Mmmmpf! You little brat, you will open your eyes this instant!” the German officer commanded. That did the trick, as Hogan’s eyes flew open in shock at his tone.
“Danke. Now, you listen to me and you listen well, understand?” As Hogan nodded, Klink continued speaking.
“You are correct that I am not sadistic or lack things to do. I have the opposite problem, truth be told. I ‘give a damn about you’ as you so eloquently put it, because you happen to be a decent human being. I know no other officer who would come in here and subject himself to my discipline just to keep his men safe. Even if it was my idea,” he added.
“They would simply try to escape or refuse to cooperate. Now I am not saying for you to do either one!” he added hastily. “As you know, *there has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13. Nor will there ever be one while I am in command here. Still, you are cut from a different cloth in both your personality and the way you appear to lead.”
He made sure to keep eye contact with Hogan, because clearly the younger man had never been told any of this and he needed to hear it. Everyone needed to feel valued!
“You are one of a kind, Robert Hogan, and I hope you realize that. Your closest men that you are always around – Corporals Newkirk and LeBeau, Sergeants Carter and Kinchloe – seem to agree with me on this as well, for I have seen them start or stop trouble under your direction. You do not have to say a word either; you just make a quick gesture or simply look at them and they obey you. On occasion, they have even helped my guards contain problems in the camp. That says much about your leadership style. Do you understand that? Because you need to,” he finished.
Well, what was he supposed to say to that? That was a heartfelt speech from Klink if he’d ever heard one, and Hogan was indeed touched by it. There was only one thing he could say to that.
“Thanks, Kommandant. It’s just…it sucks here, you know? I just want to go home, back to the United States and my apartment there. There’s a lot of pressure on me here as the only officer, and it can get difficult sometimes. I wasn’t trying to make you my therapist or anything, but –like you’ve said before – we’re the only colonels here. So, I guess…thanks for talking to me?” he finished lamely.
“Do you think I do not know that, Robert? I have the same pressures you do, if not more because everything here falls on my shoulders. It is the responsibility of being the Kommandant, and why only a trained officer can be one.” Klink shrugged and added, “If you or anyone else here gets hurt, it is on me. If any of the paperwork is late, it is on me. Ordering supplies, keeping up with repairs…everything here falls on my shoulders,” Klink said.
“I know you want to go home. And so does everyone else here, I am sure. Well, maybe not Sergeant Schultz,” he added with a chuckle. “He complains often enough about his wife. Still, this is not the ideal place to be and I know that. But I will lend an ear if you wish to talk with me. Although the same thing in return would be ideal, it is not required for me to hear you out. But being an officer is not easy, which is one of the reasons I do this for you. Now,” he said briskly, changing the subject. “Let us discuss Corporal Newkirk. Since I know he will not be honest with me, tell me why he was in my office.”

Finally getting around to the heart of the issue…
And so, the questions began. Obviously Hogan couldn’t tell him why Newkirk was really there or what he was really doing, so he made up another lie. Which kind of made him sad to do after their emotional talk, but hey, it had to be done. “Well, Newkirk, he’s kind of an oddball,” began Hogan. “You remember that one guy we had here for a little why before the Gestapo hauled him off? Sergeant Flood?” At Klink’s nod, Hogan continued. “Well, Newkirk was a magician before the war. He wasn’t an escape artist like Flood was, though. He did stuff like sleight of hand, picked supposedly unpickable locks, that sort of thing.”
“Okay, but what does that have to do with Newkirk reading Major Hochstetter’s codebook? I really despise that man and I do not wish him in my camp,” replied Klink.
“I’m getting to it sir, just hold on. Like I said, that was his trade.” Hogan was warming up to his tall tale now. “So, he’s gotta do something after the war, right? Which means he’s got to keep his skills sharp. Thus, he picks locks. I swear he’s picked every lock in every Barracks at least twice. Now, have you ever noticed the way he talks?” asked Hogan. “He’ll drop his ‘h’ sounds and such? Like instead of saying hello he’ll say ‘ello’? Surely you’ve noticed it, Kommandant,” Hogan added.
The German colonel frowned. “But that is just his English accent, is it not? All of the Englishmen in the camp sound similar,” he said.
Hogan shook his head. “Yes and no,” he replied. At the confused look on Klink’s face, he continued on. “Okay look, the reason the other RAF men sound similar is because they’re all from the same area. Where Newkirk is from is a poor part of England, along with the other RAF men here. As a result, they’re not educated that well. That’s why they all joined the military, because they wanted to get paid to travel to other countries and educate themselves at the same time. Plus, they’re protecting their homeland. It’s a win-win for them!”
Klink cocked his head as he considered this. “So, what you are saying, Hogan, is –”
“– that the story he gave you about brushing up on his reading skills was true? Yep,” said Hogan. “He was going to try and polish up his English skills first, but since English is derived from German, he saw a rare opportunity to better himself in another language and took it. Like I said before, sir, if Newkirk had wanted to steal that codebook, he wouldn’t have still been there when you and our neighborhood Gestapo major came back.”
Hogan had to admit he was proud of how fast he’d come up with this whopper of a tale on the spot. Never let it be said that my improvising skills have rusted in here, he thought.
Shrugging, Klink said “Well, I suppose I cannot fault a man for wanting to better himself. Germany is a country rich in culture, and we prize learning.” He narrowed his eyes. “However, do tell Corporal Newkirk that if he is that desperate for a German book to read, I shall find him something else…something else not in my safe or belonging to Major Hochstetter!” he added sharply. “Do I make myself clear, Hogan? And tell him my safe is off limits to practice his skills on!”
“Perfectly, sir. I’ll be sure and tell him that.” Hogan nodded his head, happy he’d saved his team from a sticky situation. “Can I go now? It’s getting late, and some of us have to stand outside and freeze during roll call for what feels like hours.”
“By all means. You are correct, it is getting late.” Klink stood up and added, “I have to freeze out there in the mornings too, you know.”
Hogan snorted. “You? Please. You come outside long enough to bellow ‘Re-pooorrrrrrrt!’ in a loud voice and Schultz tells you we’re all present and accounted for. Then you dismiss him and you disappear. And I do mean you bellow that word. You’re out there about a minute, tops. Meanwhile we’re all standing in that cold wind and turning blue.” Hogan drew out the word ‘report’ the way Klink often did.
“By the way, I have a small request. Could you not be so loud when you call for the roll call results in the morning? All of us are still half asleep, and it hurts our ears. Plus, you might knock the icicles off the roof!” He smirked at Klink. “You’ve done it before with snow when that General was with us at the Hofbrau!”
“I will have you know, Hogan, that I…do I really sound like that?” Klink wondered.
At the American’s nod, he winced. “That sounds simply terrible. I will adjust how I say ‘report’ then. And I shall try to lower the volume of my voice somewhat in the morning, yes?”
“That’d be much appreciated, Colonel Klink. Thanks,” Hogan said as he stood up and let out a low hiss of pain. The pain in his butt – which had ebbed a little bit until now – flared up again. “Owwww.”
He looked over at the Kommandant again. “Anybody ever tell you you’re extremely thorough when you do something?”
“One of my many talents, Hogan,” chuckled Klink. “It seems to be inbred into the German people. Oh, and by the way, I just realized that I never answered your question from earlier.”
“What question was that, sir?” inquired Hogan as he put on his bomber jacket and zipped it up.
Klink gave him a ‘nasty-happy’ grin. “The one about whether tonight counts as two ‘discussions’, of course.”
He saw the hopeful look on the American colonel’s face and added, ‘The answer is no. But nice try, little brat.”
“Of course it doesn’t,” muttered Hogan as his face fell. “I feel cheated somehow, like I paid for two shows but only got to see one.”
“Do not fret. I will make it up to you next time, Hogan,” replied Klink with a smirk. “I would hate for you to feel cheated, after all.”
“That’s what I was afraid of,” sighed Hogan. “That’s what I get for trying to be cooperative with you. By the way, please don’t mention to Newkirk or any of the other RAF men what I told you about their lack of education. They don’t like people to know about it; it’s a sensitive subject with them.”
“Well, you did quite admirably at cooperating, at least in the beginning. I will give you credit for that,” said Klink. “And I understand; such things have a reason to be a rather sore spot. I will say nothing about it to any of them.”
Then he gave his senior POW officer a salute. “Gute nacht, Colonel Hogan.”
Hogan let out a groan. “If this is what being cooperative gets me, I’ll skip it next time.”
He returned the salute before saying, “Gute nacht, Colonel Klink.” Then he opened the door, exited Klink’s quarters and left.
As Klink closed the door behind the wily American, he shook his head. He was beginning to think he would never get through to the younger man!
But right now, he had other things to do, like put his spoon in the sink to wash later and get ready for bed. He really hoped Hogan wouldn’t keep challenging him, because he was running out of different things to use for punishments!

A/N: I double-checked a picture of the badge Klink wears on Google before writing this chapter. It’s really called a Luftwaffe Observer Badge and, to quote Wikipedia, it means that the wearer was “qualified for the badge after completing two months of qualifying service and five operational flight's in the role of observer, navigator or bombardier; also, it could be awarded after a member of the German Air Force was wounded while acting in the capacity of an observer during a qualifying flight.” Obviously, I took the second reason for obtaining the badge and modified it. Call it creative license. :)
And my mom actually used the exact spoon that was described in this chapter on me, several times…in the same manner, on my bare butt. Trust me when I say I’m not exaggerating any of this when I describe the pain! It really does snap back as described. And yes, I made it ‘disappear’ once…no, it didn’t end well for me. It stings a lot, but it can be used for a good long while without doing any physical damage like bruising. A great tool for the spanker, not so great for the spankee!
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