Stranger In A Strange Land

Stranger In a Strange Land, Part Five


Notes: Christine Jorgensen was the most famous, if not the
first, of sexual reassignment patients in the fifties.
Stra In In A Strange Land
Part
Five
"Oops?" Aphrodite shrugged. "Oops? You've gotten by on your
looks a lot, haven't you?"
"Well, duh!"
Joxer was making muffled squeaks. That was all he could manage with Herk's
tongue halfway down his throat. He rolled his eyes at me desperately. "Oh,
hell!" I walked over, made a fist, and thumped Hercules on the back of the
head. "Ow!" I shook my hand. "Talk about hard-headed!"
"You're telling me!" Iolaus was fuming. Wow, blondes sure can get
red in the face.
I looked at Aphrodite. "Can you, like, materialize stuff?"
"Duh?"
"We need to talk later about your vocabulary." I held out my hand.
"Could I talk you into giving me a big glass of water?" She flicked a
finger at me, and a large goblet appeared in my hand. I started to turn away,
then looked in the goblet. "It's red."
"It's wine. Du..."
"I get it. Oh, well. It's a waste of perfectly good alcohol." I
dumped the contents over Hercules's head. He didn't pause or let go. The only
result was that now Joxer was spluttering as well as trying to gasp. "Well,
damn!" Iolaus had picked up his staff again, and was tapping it against his
palm, glaring at Hercules. "Excuse me." I snatched the staff away and
whacked Hercules across his massive back, yelling, "He needs to breathe,
Jackass!"
It sounded like I'd hit a side of beef with a hammer. Demigod or not, a whack
with a stout staff will get your attention. Hercules let go of Joxer, looked at
me, and said mildly, "Ouch."
Joxer, looking stunned, staggered back a couple of paces, bumped into thltarltar, upset a bowl of roses, tripped on it, and ended up on his butt. He looked
up at me, dazed. "What just happened?"
"I saved you from being molested in front of the altar by a suddenly
horny hero. Did you mind?"
"No! I mean, he's cute, and all that, but he's not my type."
"What type do you like?" Hercules said eagerly. "I can
change."
I was curious as to just how strong this spell Aphrodite had landed on him
was. "What if he likes girls?"
He didn't hesitate for a second. "I think there's a cursed spring
somewhere that switches the gender of whoever bathes there." He started
off.
Iolaus gaped. He looked at me. "Stop him!"
"Stop him? Me? Do I look like an Amazon? And why should I? It doesn't
mean anything to me if he wants to do a Christine Jorgensen without the nip 'n
tuck."
"I don't know what the Tartarus you just said."
"I could care less if he wants to become a woman."
"Well, I could! He's MY lover, and I happen to like him just the way he
is. I mean, if he's a woman, he can't very well screw me."
"It would depend on how you felt about *cough* marital aids."
Aphrodite giggled. "Yeah, I thought you'd know about those." I raised
my voice. "Hercules, it won't work."
He came back. "Why not?"
"Because you might end up as a woman, but you'll be a huge woman, and
though you're an attractive man, you'd probably be a woofer as a girl."
"Ouot;uot; Hercules reached out both hands to Joxer. "Let me help
you up, sweetheart."
Joxer eyed him suspicously, scooting backwards, armor clanking. "No,
thank you."
Hercules gave me a smile. "He wants to be independent. Isn't it
cute?" 
Hercules reached down before Joxer could escape, slipped his hands
under the warrior-wannabe's arms, and lifted him lightly to his feet. Which
would have been fine-IF he'd let go. He didn't, and he started to pull Joxer
closer again. Joxer moaned, "Not again! You can get brain damage from lack
of air, and I can't afford all that much damage!"
"Yo, Muscles! Let him go."
Hercules continued to tug at the now struggling Joxer. "We should go
somewhere private and talk."
"We can talk here!" Joxer protested.
Hercules glanced at me and Aphrodite. "I prefer not to use obscene words
in front of ladies."
"Who you calling a lady?" I growled. "Unhand him right
now!" Hercules looked singularly unimpressed by my demand. *Okay, hit 'im
in the concept of self.* "What are the people going to think? The mighty
Hercules, a common MASHER."
"I am not!" he sandigndignantly. He made calf eyes at Joxer, but
let him go. "I'm just a man in love."
"Cue the violins. You're got in love."
Aphrodite planted her hands on her hips, frowning, "Uh, ex-squeeze
me?"
"So THAT'S where Mike Myers got that expression. You have a lot to
answer for, lady. No, it is NOT love-love comes naturally. That..." I
pointed to Hercules, who'd once again begun to stalk a nervous Joxer, "is
obsession, and it can be dangerous. Ask Jodie Foster. So, you take that spell right
off him."
"Ummm..." Aphrodite got real interested in her fingernails.
"Ummm... what? Good news does not start with ummm..."
"It's like this-Joxie is one of my favorites, dig?"
"Perfectly understandable." I dragged Joxer behind me, putting my
body between him and a grabbing Hercules. I was willing to submit to a grope or
two in defense of my new friend. (It was a sficefice, I tell you, a sacrifice!)
"Since it was for Cutiepoo I made it super strength..."
"So I noticed." I slapped Hercules's hand as he tried to reach past
me.
"...and I sorta put a non-tampering twist on it."
"And this means? Step back or I put a knee where it hurts the worst, and
I don't think you're wearing a goalie's cup," I warned Hercules.
"It means that no divinity is supposed to be able to tamper with
it."
I stopped and looked at her in disbelief. While I was distracted, Hercules
managed to get a hand on Joxer's arm. I bit him, then went back to Aphrodite.
"Are you trying to tell me that even YOU can't mess with it?"
She rubbed the toe of one glittery sandal on the marble floor.
"Sorta."
"Oh, I don't believe this! You're the one who pasted Buff and Bullheaded
with the hex, and if you can't fix it, what the hell are we going to do?"
Aphrodite looked at Joxer. "Do you want a white wedding?"
Hercules beamed, Iolaus threw up his hands, growling, "Look, if he
marries anyone it's going to be me! I've been trying to get him to make an
honest man out of me for ages."
Aphrodite arched an eyebrow at him. "If you want a lover to make it
legal, don't you have a wide range of choices, dear?"
"Meow," he said curt &qu "Anyway, I never said I couldn't fix it." She sighed. "It's
just that it would be such a bitch. I'd hafta dig through about a zillion
scrolls looking for recipes and chants. Then I'd hafta gather and mix all sorts of ookie stuff, and I JUST got my nails done, and it would RUIN them..."
Somehow I wasn't sympathetic. "Wear rubber gloves," I snapped.
This time everyone blinked at me. Finally Aphrodite expressed the general
confusion. "Huh?"
"Sheesh. Okay, rubber is this usually slick, stretchy stuff that's water
resistant, and makes a good barrier against..." I trailed off. "Wait a
minute. No rubber means no latex, which means no safe sex. Crap! Damn
pre-industrial technology! Oh, well, there's no AIDs in this time frame, and
probably no herpes, either." I thought. "But there's probably all
kinds of icky prehistoric social bugs..."
I heard Joxer squeak. Hercules had managed to get a hand down the front of
his pants. "You let go of that!" He jerked his hand back, blushing
like a kid who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I glanced at Joxer
apologetically. "I'm sorry-sometimes my mind wanders and I go off on a
tangent."
He nodded. "I think I did that once. Aren't they big and smelly, with
two humps and a tendency to spit?"
"No, they're the ones with stripes. Look, Miss Thang, you need to get on
this right away. Hercules here is big and determined-I don't know how long Joxer
can dodge and I can parry."
Aphrodite put a confiding arm around Joxer's shoulder. "C'mon, sweetie,
would it be so bad? Sure, he's a tigh ass, but I bet you could loosen him up,
and he IS pretty yummy."
"But he's my yummy!" Iolaus protested.
"Selfish, selfish," Aphrodite scolded. "Can't you share?"
She eyed Hercules. As icky as she might have found his attitude, she could do an
honest physical assessment. "Zeus knows he's big enough to go around."
I eyed the red-faced Iolaus. "Somehow I don't think that would go well.
Blondie doesn't look like he wants to share his toy, and Joxer doesn't look like
he wants to borrow, anyway."
She sighed. "Well, poo. I knew it wouldn't be that easy. All right, I'll
get started on trying to find the antidote." She flicked her hands and...
FLASH!
I was left in a shower of rose petals again. I batted away the teenyte
te
fluttering hearts that had accompanied them and yelled, "Wait! What are we
supposed to do with the Hormonal Hunk?"
Joxer had climbed up on the altar in an effort to keep out of Hercules's
reach. "Chains sound like a good idea to me."
Hercules grinned. "Ooo, yeah! I can see you in some nice silver
jobs."
"Not me! You!" Joxer snapped.
Hercules shook his head. "As much as I want to please you, scheecheeks,
I top, and I think we should wait till later in our relationship to start
experimenting."
I moved Hercules back by kicking him in the shins a few times, making room
for Joxer to get down. "We should tell Xena and the bitch... I mean the
bard about this. Maybe they have some ideas." Joxer had gotten behind me
again and grabbed my shoulders. We began to sidle toward the exit. "And if
they down't, at least Xena has a sword and Gabby has a staff to help us keep
this goomba off of you."
Hercules and Iolaus were following us, and Iolaus said, "Do you really
think that Gabrielle will bother? I mean, she whines and moans about Joxer
pestering her, so she should be glad to have someone else after him."
"You mean that you guys haven't gotten Aesop's Fables yet?"
"Aesop? I've heard of him. He's a traveling bard, but doesn't he tell
kiddie stories about animals?"
I rolled my eyes. "You'd never make it in a college lit course with that
literal attitude. Fables, fables! Simple stories that teach life truths? Ask him
to tell you the 'Dog in the Manger' one sometime." Joxer dodged a groping
hand, but did so by swinging around the hold he'd taken on my throat. *Ack*
"Joxer! You don't have to avoid every single touch or else burst into
flames! Just don't let him get a firm hold on you."
"She's right," Hercules said helpfully. "What you really need
to do if you want to avoid me is strip nude and rub yourself down with oil. Then
you'd slip right through my hands. I can demonstrate."
I paused, and I guess I got a faraway look on my face, because Joxer whined,
"Goddess Scribe!"
"Right. No way, Jose." I muttered under my breath, "Not unless
I can sell tickets and get a front row seat."
"What?"
"Never mind. Bad Scribe. Mustn't exploit our friends. Let's get back to
the inn."
"Yes, let's get back to the inn," Hercules said cheerfully. He
trailed us, and a steadily-more-pissed off Iolaus followed HIM.
*By the time this is over I think Iolaus is going to screw Herk into the
middle of next week, then cut him off completely to teach him a lesson,* I
thou *A *And judging by the way he's acting, I don't think Herk deals well with
celibacy.*
When we got to the street I couldn't continue backing (apparently the same
damn herd of goats that had passed Ares's temple had also passed Aphrodite'sasn\asn't anyone on Poop Patrol in this city?). But something had to be done to
keep Hercules from just tossing Joxer over his shoulder and taking off with him.
I whispered a suggestion to Joxer. He shook his head so vigorously he nearly
lost that strainer he wore as a helmet. "Come on, Joxer. At least it'll
keep your butt from being pinched black and blue."
"He hasn't pinched me yet."
"It's coming." I rubbed my rump, remembering my experiences on
these streets a couple of thousand years in the future. "He's a Greek
male."
"Well, if you think it'll help," he said doubtfully.
I snagged some rope off a passing cart and handed it to him. He said,
"Um, Hercules? Would you mind if I tied your hands?" Hercules frowned.
I whispered to Joxer again. "I, uh, sorta like to, you know..." he
swallowed, "play?"
Now a sly smile spread over Hercules's face. "Oooh. And what do you like
to play? Captured Warrior and Cruel Warlord? Demanding Master and New Slaveboy?
Pirate Captain and Captured Noble?"
Joxer looked at me desperately. I whispered. "Jaded Aristocrat and
Reluctant Pleasure Slave."
"Oh, that's a good one! But shouldn't I be the one tying you up?"
A squeak from Joxer. I whispered. He looked at me disbelievingly. I made 'go
on' motions at him. He blinked, then looked down, glanced up at Hercules through
(very thick) lashes, and whispered, "Please?" Hercules hesitated. I
whispered. Joxer wet his lips.
"Okay." Hercules held out his hands, wrists crossed.
"Behind you. I haven't watched several hundred reality cop shows and
years of Adam-12 to forget that you never secure someone's hands in front."
I looked at Iolaus. "Too easy to do one of those 'whack 'em with both fists
at once' things."
Heded ded agreement, and took the rope from Joxer as Hercules put his hands
behind his back. "Allow ME." Judging from the yelp Hercules gave, I
didn't have to worry about him escaping from loose bindings. Piece of advice?
Never play bondage games with a pissed off lover who's just caught you lusting
after someone else.
Then he insisted that Joxer had to put a rope around his neck and lead him
through the streets. I never would have known from the myths that he was so
kinky. It embarrassed the hell out of Joxer-he was sorta hot pink by the time we
reached the inn. Hercules wasn't all that good an actor, though. Instead of a
nobly reluctant sex slave being dragged off to be ravished he followed Joxer
like an overgrown hornpuppy (though I guess it would have to be a hornGreat Dane
to get anywhere near his size.)
Meg looked up as we walked in, her eyes sparking with interest. Before she
could open her mouth I said, "No, we are not interested in being a
pay-per-view attraction. Have Xena and Gabrielle gotten back from the bath house
yet?"
She jerked her head toward the stairs. "They went up about twenty
minutes ago." Her eyebrows did the frug. "Things should just be
getting interesting."
"Ooo, ick. Mental images."
I took the end of the rope and handed it to Meg. She squealed, "For me?
And it isn't even my birthday!" I started up the stairs with Joxer close
behind me. I heard 'Hey!', and the sound of following footsteps. Then I heard *Urk!*
'Lady, please!' Then I heard Iolaus squawk, and a thump, then a crash and a yell
from Meg. Then things got noisy. The inn was getting its nightly trashing a
little early.
We located the room that Xena and Gabrielle were in by process of
elimination. Didn't anyone in that place remember to lock their doors? Judging
by some of the scene's we walked in on, the people of Athens had a lot of
imagination, but not all that much simple caution. Finally we came to the last
two doors on the second floor. One led to an empty room.
I put my ear against the remaining door, holding a finger to my lips to shush
Joxer. Curious, he took off his helmet and pressed his ear up beside mine. He
started blushing. I'm not going to repeat what we heard, but it involved lots of
slurping, sighing, and a few 'oh, babyies'. I grinned at Joxer and stood back,
saying softly, "Step away from the door."
"Why?"
"Trust me."
He stepped to the side. I took a deep breath. "Mi mi mi mi. Testing.
Testing. Ahem. WARLORDS!"
There was a shriek, a thump, and the door slammed open. A very naked and well
armed Xena leaped out into the hallway, looking around ferociously. When she saw
that the hall was empty except for me and Joxer she calmed down a little. She
didn't lower the sword, though. That was a bit worrying. She pointed the sword
at me. "Look, when someone yells 'warlords' there had damn sure better be
warlords, or bandits, or at least a fucking surprise party, with a line of nude
Amazon dancers. Otherwise I am very, very pissed."
I touched my fingertip to the sword's point (ouch, by the way) and delicately
directed it away. "We have a problem, oh Naked and Aggressive One."
Xena's eyes narrowed. "Couldn't it have waited another five
minutes?t;
t;
"Hey!" an indignant voice called from the bedroom.
"Sorry, Gabby. Couldn't it have waitnothnother fifteen minutes?"
"A love spell smitten Hercules followed us home from Aphrodite's temple,
and we don't want to keep him."
Gabrielle, wrapped in a sheet and with a small knot rising on her forehead (I
had to wonder what position they'd been in for her to acquire that) came out.
"Look, if you somehow managed to get Hercules after you, that isn't our
fault. Maybe it would be a good thing. He's been awful stressed since his family
died, and he's really a family man at heart. And Zeus knows you could use
someone to settle you down a little, maybe get you to have a little respect for
conventions, and..."
"I'll have you know I highly respect conventions. I've had some of my
most rip-roaring tear-asses at conventions." I looked at Joxer. "I
woke up once wearing a State Trooper uniform. Don't ask. And an Amazon is
telling me to hitch myself to a man and learn not to be uppity?"
Gabrielle looked flustered. "I didn't mean..."
"Riiiight. Besides, I never said Hercules was in love with me."
"But then..." She trailed off. She and Xena both stared at Joxer.
Gabrielle started to giggle.
"Shut up or I'll slap you. This isn't funny." I paused. "Well,
it is. Some." I looked at Joxer. "Okay, a lot, but not to Joxer. How
would you feel if Hercules was all horny and after your bod?"
Let me report a fascinating fact: While Gabrielle gagged, Xena looked
interested.
"All right, this needs to be tended to, I guess. Let us get
dressed." They started back into the room and Xena paused, "That's
twice. You're getting to be a party pooper."
I spread a hand against my chest and gave her big, innocent eyes (yeah, I can
so do that. I practice by watching anime). "Moi?"
"Don't try blowing a kiss at me-it won't work." She gave me a grim
smile. "Not blowing one, anyway."
I had to think about what the hell she was talking about as she went back
inside. The door was closed before I figured it out. That's 'm-o-i' not 'mwha'!"
I looked at Joxer. "You people have sex on the brain."
Hercules's voice floated up from downstairs. "Miiiiiighty One?"
Joxer looked back at me helplessly. "You're right."