Silenced Screams

Chapter Seven







Jack had arrived back at Sam's room somewhere around 0400...she'd been asleep...that was good...it was to be expected. He hadn't wanted her to be awake yet. Truth was he still had too many demons to be able to look her in the eyes just yet. But he had needed to see her. She grounded him...grounded him much as Sahara had. And right now he needed that desperately. Oh, he was well aware he was suppose to be the strong one now...to get her through this, but...right now, before it all started over again...he just really needed her to be there for him.







It had scared the hell out of him just how much he needed her. And it had come as a complete surprise that he did need her. He wasn't even sure exactly when it had become that way. Oh there was no doubt that he had feeling for her...no doubt that he 'cared about her...more than he was suppose to...'but needing her? Now that, he hadn't even considered. He'd thought all those 'softer' emotions had been burned away when Sahara had died. But like any specter from your dark past it had come back to bite him when he'd met Sara. Dix had said she remained him of Sahara, so full of life, joy and excitement of everything...life was just one adventure after the next. They even looked similar with the same big beautiful blue eyes and blond hair, eyes that sparkled with the wonderment of even the smallest thing. Even their names were similar. He'd let his guard down for just an instant with her and was forever lost afterward. 'Who knows maybe, 'maybe, just maybe, I've paid my dues...maybe, just maybe, there was some happiness due to me...to even me.' And for a time it had been so. But like everything else good in his life...it was not meant to last. And like everything else in his life...it had not lasted. And like everything else in his life...it ended in disaster. Someone he loved...gone. Someone he couldn't bear to loose...lost. His reason for going on...gone. And so, like before, he fell into despair. And so, like before, Uncle Sam was there to pull him out and send him back out to pay his price.







And just like before he had allowed them in. He had started to care...to believe that maybe, just maybe, there was some happiness due to him...to even him. And now he knew...he knew for sure that it never had been...that it never would be...that he was never due...happiness. Some people were...he was not.







But even that would not remove the duty...the duty he owed his team. And he owed them all. But especially he owed Sam. If only she hadn't come into that briefing that day. So full of life, joy and excitement of everything...life was just one adventure after the next. They even looked similar with the same big beautiful blue eyes and blond hair, eyes that sparkled with the wonderment of even the smallest thing. Even their names were similar. If only she hadn't found away under or around all his carefully built defenses, she wouldn't be laying here now. There was absolutely no doubt in his mind that he was the reason. Anyone and everyone that got close to him suffered. And now Sam ...was paying the price.







He wasn't sure of the time. He had sorta drifted in and out...the effects of all his drinking he supposed. But he had stayed...been there when the nightmares fought even the heavy sedatives to invade her sleep. He had held her hand, comforted her until she slept untroubled. He had stayed until he could hear the shift change outside her door. More people moving around the halls of the SGC. The nurse who'd come in to check her readings had said she was doing much better. Probably another side effect of the naquadah in her blood. She had slept, and that was the best medicine for her right now. The nurse had come again, said it was time to bath her, change some dressings and ask that he leave. He hadn't wanted to go, hadn't wanted to ever leave her side again but, it would only be for a short while the nurse had said. Get you a cup of coffee and we'll be finished by the time you return she'd said. And so he'd found himself wandering the hall of the SGC counting the minutes until he could return.







When he finally returned the nurse was just leaving Sam's room. He entered to a very wide awake Sam in conversation with Janet. Janet looked up and met his eyes, she could see that haunted look staring back at her, but somehow it didn't seem as bleak as it had yesterday. Maybe, just maybe, he had tamed a few of his demons. She left to give them a few minutes of privacy. Sam had been facing away from the door when he had entered but what ever sixth sense they shared had tuned her in to his presence and had her turning sharply to meet his gaze. You could see her body visibly relax just having him near. She would forever blame it on the medication or the trauma she had been through that she voiced her need to have him near.







“You weren't here when I woke up.” It was a statement, but her eyes ask the rest of it... 'Why?'.







“Yeah, sorry 'bout that, but they needed a few minutes with you, I've been around.“ Without giving any thought to the gesture he sit, reached to take her hand. Sam involuntarily tensed and withdrew slightly from the touch, not wanting to hurt him but unable to fight her bodies natural reaction to a man’s touch. Instantly she saw the hurt, but was powerless to correct or even change her reaction.







Jack could see the moment of pure fear cross her face at his touch and he immediately jumped off the bed and backed away from her. This all seemed so familiar, she was laying in her bed staring at him as if he had been the one to do this to her. He had seen that exact same look in Sahara’s eye when he had tried to console her. But it had never been as bad as what he was seeing in Sam now. She was beginning to shake from the fear flooding her mind. Jack moved swiftly to the door and called to Janet, before Sam could have a full panic attack. He rushed out as Janet rushed pass him and straight to Sam’s side, taking her hand in hers and speaking soft reassuring words to calm and sooth.







Sam was crying and trying to get Janet to understand that she hadn't meant to hurt the Colonel when she pulled away from him. She had asked for and wanted to see him. The reaction had been involuntary. Her mind understood what had happened to her and knew the Colonel could and would never do such a thing to her. He would gladly lay down his life to have protected her, but for some reason her body did not seem to be taking orders from her very logical brain. And that misfire in her brain had caused the Colonel pain. Pain she had caused.







The only comfort Janet could give was that it would all take time. It would take time. Somethings could not be rushed, could not be reasoned through with a logical brain or a refusal to deal. Somethings could only be healed with time. But knowing that and living it were two totally different things. There would be a lot more night before they all emerged into the day.







Which is why Janet was not surprised to find Sam had busted out of her infirmary and hide out in her lab with the doors closed and a sign on the door, four days later. There hadn’t been much internal damage done by her rape but Janet had insisted she needed to remain in the infirmary for observation. She understood Sam all too well. She would think that her logical mind and military upbringing would serve her in good stead through this. She would bury it and return to work and when she least expected it, all the emotions and trauma would hit. It was the process required of her ordeal.







“Sam?” Janet questioned as she came into the lab.







“Janet.” You could hear and see the surprise that she had been caught so quickly.







“Janet I just can’t lay around in the infirmary for the rest of my life. I have a job to do. I promise I’m fine. If I have any problems I promise I’ll come see you.”







Almost before she could get the words out a whirlwind that was Daniel came flying in… talking a mile a minute and buried Sam in a bear hug.







“My God Sam, what happened? Teal’c and I just this minute got back and Jack said you were in the infirmary. Why aren’t you in the infirmary? I checked and they said…they said… Sam are you are right? What happened?”







Daniel hadn’t stopped to breath and hadn’t released his hold on Sam. It was easy to see the panic raising as he continued to babble on his concern.







“Daniel!” Janet finally shouted. “Daniel, she can’t breath. Calm down, just give her a minute.







By the time any of that registered Sam was in a full panic attack, shaking and crying like she had not allowed herself thus far. And as necessary as Janet knew it could be for her, she also knew Sam would never want her friends to witness it.







Seeing Sam so distraught only made Daniel want to hold her even more. He move to encircle her again just as Teal’c moved into the room.







“Major Carter is there a problem?”







Janet was thankful to see Teal’c strong stoic presence enter the room. A few more minutes of Daniel’s well meaning babbling and she'd have to sedate Sam.







“Teal’c, thank you. Can you take Daniel and wait in my office. Give Sam and I a moment please.”







You could already see the question getting ready to come from Daniel, bless his non military little heart. His concern was genuine but was most often out of place with the military life of everyone around him. Teal’c simply bowed and placed his massive hand on his friend’s shoulder and led him out and down the hall. When they were out of range Sam was finally able to pull herself together, some. After a protracted wait Sam blew out a cleansing breath and pronounced herself fine.







“Let’s do this and get it over with.” And she turned and headed toward the door.







“Sam.”







“Janet. I’m fine. Daniel just surprised me. I could never be afraid of Daniel. And we both know my entire team has to be told, so…let’s get it out of the way, then I can get back to work. I’ve got test I’d like to run today. I’m fine Janet, really.” And she was gone, marching down the hall like she own the world. Her head held high, she was in charge.







Janet had offered to explain, to tell Daniel and Teal’c, but Sam wouldn’t have it. She was fine and she could handle it. She was not traumatized and she would not hide. She would deal with this and put it behind her and go back to work. She had a job to do.







“That’s pretty much everything I remember. I woke up in the infirmary. But I’m fine now. And I’m sorry Daniel you just caught me off guard it won’t happen again. You don’t have to walk around on egg shells around me. I’m fine. Now I’ve got some test I’d like to finished this evening so I can be rested for our briefing in the morning.”







“Not gonna happen.” Jack told them. “You’re off active duty until you’re cleared. You can work in your lab but that’s it.”







“Off active duty….cleared? There’s nothing wrong with me Sir. Janet has cleared me. I‘m fine and I can do my job.” Sam was confused and a little mad that he would do this to her and in front of the rest of the team. But before she could say any more he was talking again.







“I’m sure you can Carter. But you’re gonna have to deal with this sooner rather than later. And until you do…”







“But…”







“New Flash Carter. You were raped.” He said almost screaming at her. “That’s not business as usual. It takes nothing away from you. The fact that you’re a damn fine soldier and the person I’d want watching my six any day. But you’re gonna see someone, you’re gonna deal with this and not lock it away in some goddamn room to come back and bite you in the ass later.” He had gone from screaming at her to a voice that was reasoning. Like he was trying to explain something that was simple for him, but she just refused to see. He wasn’t gonna fall for that a second time. He wasn’t blind and he wasn’t inexperienced.







As much as she wanted to argue with him and tell him it was none of his business, the words and emotions bubbled up inside her to do so, she held her tongue. And it showed on her face as everyone else in the room remained silent and simply watched on. Before she could formulate any come back Jack spoke again. Still calm and still in control.







“Because I am your CO and it’s my responsibility to look out for every one on my team.”







They had and old fashion stare off, with neither wanting to blink first. But finally Sam had no choice. If she said anything else she risk insubordination charges, but something in her could not allow him to have the last word.







“Yes Sir. I’ll finish my test and call it a day if you have no objections. Maybe I can get home early. I don’t know what kind of state it’s been left in.” She finished as she turned to leave the room.







“Take Daniel or Teal’c with you. I don’t want you staying there along until we find this sicko.”







“But Sir?”







“Carter, he got into your house once, he can do it again. Either Daniel or Teal’c go with you or you’re confined to base until this sicko is found. Period.”







Sam stormed out of Janet’s office too mad to speak for fear she’d say something that would have her brought up on charges. Janet found her in her lab several hours later. She figured it would take that long at least for her to calm down enough to listen to reason. Meanwhile Jack was left to deal with Daniel and Teal’c.







“Sam?” Janet stuck her head in the door of Sam’s lab. “Are you alright? Is it safe to come in yet?” She moved and set on the stool next to Sam. They were quiet for a very long time while Sam continued to study something in her electronic microscope totally ignoring Janet.







“You may not agree, but the Colonel is right. Denial isn’t gonna make this go away.”







“Janet…” She started to shout but Janet cut her off before to could go further.







“No Sam. You are not fine. You’re miles from fine. And we are not gonna sit back and watch this happen aga…” Janet cut off her words before she gave away too much of their shared past. And before she could let slip anymore she decided to leave Sam to what she was doing.







“Again?”







“He’s looking out for your best interest Sam, try to remember that.” And she was gone.







To Be Continued





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