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Stranger In A Strange Land	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2721 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Stranger In A Strange Land
Part
Eight
Joxer's mouth dropped open. "Huh?"

I twisted in Ares's grip. "Joxer, there are four proper responses in a situation like this. A, yes. B, no. C, this is so sudden. my my favorite choice, D..." I thrashed. I think I surprised him, because I got loose. "What the fuck are you thinking of?"

"I can see that you need more time to think about it," Ares said calmly.

Flash

Do you have any idea how disconcerting it is to find yourself suddenly chained to a bed? Especially if there's a guy who happens to be a god on top of you?

"You have five seconds, then I'm going to consumate the union whether you answer or not. One, two, three..."

"Joxer!" I yelled.

"Oh, please!" Ares sneered. "What do you want with him when... Oof!"

The oof was from when he landed on the floor. I think it was more surprise than actual loss of breath. In fact he was so surprised that he wasn't immediately angry. He just stared up in shock at the mortal who had dared to heave him off his chosen piece of... Well, piece.

Joxer held up his hands. "Sorry! Sorry! But look, rape is not a good way to start a relationship. She'll never love you if you force yourself on her like that, I don't care what those cheap, so called 'romance' scrolls say."

Ares just stared at him, then slowly stood up. He wasn't that much taller than Joxer, so they were pretty much eye-to-eye when he stepped up to him. Joxer swallowed hard, but he didn't back up, and he didn't flinch. Bless 'im, I knew he'd risk himself for a friend.

This was obviously a novelty to Ares. "Excuse me. Perhaps I've been afflicted with temporary madness, but for a moment there I thought that you not only laid hands on me, but attempted to give me advice on my love life."

"Love life wouldn't be my first choice of terms!" I rattled the chains. "Let me up from here, you goon!"

He smiled, tilting his head toward me. "Isn't she cute when she's trying to act all independent?" He slung an arm around Joxer's shoulders. "Joxer, isn't it?" Joxer nodded. "R-i-i-ght. You hang with my daughter Xena and her bitch."

Joxer frowned. "That isn't a very nice thing to say about Gabrielle."

"Not nice, but accurate."

"Gotta agree with him there," I called. "Will one of you please let me up from here? And if you're going to go around chaining up people you intend to get hitched to, shouldn't you line your damn cuffs with something?" Zap "Mink would have been nice, but I suppose lambs wool works." I rattled again. "Take 'em off! I'm not into bonda

Ares glanced at me. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I would think that as a virgin, you wouldn't know for sure what you're into."

"Um, well..."

"Don't worry, we'll have plenty of time to find out." He looked at Joxer again. "Are you going to do that every time I try to crawl on top of her?"

"If she objects, yes."

"HmHe gHe grabbed a handful of shirt, lifting Joxer up on his toes. "Let me explain this to you. I'll try to use words of one and two syllables, so you can understand."

"You just used two words with three syllables."

Ares's eyes narrowed. "Maybe you're not quite as stupid as everyone thinks you are." He dragged Joxer up against his body. "Listen, despite what people think, I try not to arbitrarily kill off my worshippers. That's why I haven't blasted you back to the elemental level--yet. Now, for some reason I'm feeling magnanamous today, and..." he trailed off, blinking.

He bent his knee, lifting his leg, and sort off rubbed along the outside of Joxer's left leg. One eyebrow crooked. "Tell me, is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

I called. "It's a banana! He brought his breakfast with him."

"Um, Goddess Scribe?" Joxer was blushing. "Actually, I put the banana in my right pocket."

h?" h?" *pause* "Oh! Well, that's... unexpected."

"But interesting," commented Ares. He hadn't stopped moving his leg. Joxer was beet red by now.

Flash!

"Okay, Unc, don't zap me! I wouldn't be here if it wasn't important an' what tha fuck is goin on?" A tall, pale man with spiky black hair, wearing as much black leather as Ares, had appeared. He glanced curiously at Joxer and Ares, then at me. He grinned slowly. "Awright, Unc! New toys!"

Ares sighed. "This had better be good, Strife, or it's going to take you a year to heal up."

"Ouch! Ain't my fault, oh Vicious One. 'Thena is ballin up that lil shindig on tha coast, an' Tha Big Cheese said he wants you personally ta see to it."

"Tartarus! Can't I have any time to myself? Can't you or your mother handle it? I'm busy here."

"So I see. Nah, I'da been happy ta take ovah, an' so would Ma, but Zeus said he didn't wanta entrust this ta any minor godlings." Strife giggled. "Ma busted a rivet off her armor, she was so pissed."

"Well, crap!" He sighed. "Does he have anything special he wants done?"

"He wants ya ta stop by an' get special instructions." Strife patted his shoulder. "Shouldn't take more'n a few houahs."

"Oh, all right."

Flash!

Joxer was laying next to me, also in chains. I have seldom seen anyone look so stunned. "Hi. Come here often?"

"This is my first time. Help!"

"You know, I think my smart-assitude is rubbing off on you. Not that I'm adverse to help, but I'm curious--who do you think is going to come?"

"Nobody," said Ares. "You two might as well save your energy--you'll need it later."

I gasped indignantly. "Both of us?"

"A consort, and a concubine. Sounds good to me." looklooked at Strife. "You?"

"Cupe would hang me by my hair, but fah you..." he shrugged. "Ya bettah get goin, Unc."

"Right."

Flash!

Strife grinned at us and started over.

Flash!

Ares was back. "Oh, and when I get back, I want to find them in the same state I left them."

Flash!

Strife sighed. "Dang." He walked over to the bed and stared down at us. "Hiya, Joxie."

"Hi, Strife."

"Hey," I said, "You two know each other?"

"Ya kiddin?" Strife crawled over Joxer and settled himself comfortably on the bed between us. "He's done some of my best work fah me."

"Not intentionally!" Joxer interjected.

Strife shrugged. "So?" He looked at me. "Tha guy can walk through a marketplace an' it ends up lookin like Tha Horde has held a loot 'n' pillage orgy. So, Jox," he threw a leg over Joxer's body. "who's tha tootsie?"

"I beg your pardon! I may be a chick, a girl, a broad, a wench, and even a bitch on occasion, but I am not now, have never been, and never will be a tootsie! However, you can call me Gumdrop if you want."

He giggled. "Nuts. I like that in a woman, 's long as ya don't take it too far, like Calisto. Awright, who are ya?"

"The name is Scribe, and I am so not supposed to be here."

He nodded agreeably. "Most people who find themselves chained somewhere say that. What was that biz Unc was sayin about a consort?"

"He asked us to be his consorts," Joxer supplied.

Strife sat up, blinking. "Are ya sure about that?"

I said, "His exact words were 'Scribe, Joxer... I want you to be my consort.' Hey! Watch the feet and elbows!" I said this because he'd started howling with laugher, rolling and thrashing.

He tried, I'll give him that. He hugged himself whhe lhe laughed, but he started sort of... um... vibrating. Finally he threw himself on the floor where he could roll and kick freely. When he settled down into a limp, tittering heap I said, "Tell me. I could use a laugh right about now."

He sat up, wiping tears of laughter from his face. "Was that really an' truly exactly what he said to ya?" I nodded. That set off another gale of laughter, but thankfully this one wa qui quite as violent. At last he said, "Hoooo! That's good! Man, Unca Ares has wedged his butt firmly in a crack this time! He's stuck."

"What do you mean?" d Jod Joxer, looking a little worried.

Strife climbed to his feet (a little shakily) and sat on the edge of the bed. He patted Joxer's cheek. "It means, hot stuff, that Unc hasta OH-ficially bond with wunna you two."

"Like fun!" I sputtered. "I'm not having him, and neither is Joxer." Joxer was silent. "Right, Joxer?" More silence. I looked at himJoxeJoxer?" He blushed. "Oh, no! You don't mean to tell me you're in love with that leather clad lecher?" He blushed so hard I felt the heat radiating off him. "Well, day-um, son! I think I know how my mom felt that one time I dated the drummer from the grunge band, the one with the handcuff earings. Okay, it's just lust, right? I can understand that. He isseriously hot, even if the attitude is a major obstacle."

Joxer sighed. "Nope. I've felt this way about Ares since a long time before I knew what Joxer Junior was capable of."

Joxer Junior. I looked at Strife. "He's so cute." I looked back at Joxer. "You love him?"

"My worship is more than just worship, if you know what I mean."

"I'm going to assume you haven't told him this?"

"Of course not! Do I look stupid? Don't answer that! What do you think the God of War would do to a man who said he was in love with " J" Joxer cast his eyes down sadly. "Especially a man like me. Ow! Why'd you do that?"

I'd managed to kick his shin. "Haven't I told you to stop talking down about yourself? You're a terrific guy, Joxer. Ares would be damn lucky to be with you." I glared at Strife. "Comments?"

He raised his hands. "Hey, no! I happen ta agree witcha."

Now it was my turn to blink. "You do?"

"Tartarus, yeah. For a coupla decades now Unc has been in serious need of someone ta come home to. Someone who can kinda mellow him out, if ya know what I mean," he wiggled his eyebrows, "and I think ya do. Anyways, Unc may act like he hardly notices Joxie, but he's been takin an interest fah some time now."

Joxer tried to sit up, but the chains jerked him back down. "He has?"

"Yah. He's got a scryin mirror atuned 'special to you. Haven't ya evah had that kinda prickly feelin, like someone was watchin ya?"

Joxer looked shy. "Oh, you must be mistaken. He wouldn't bother with me."

"Sheesh, mortals! Always wantin proof. Okay." Strife rummaged in a bedside cabinet, and came up with a small, round mirror. He showed it to Joxer. "Take a gander."

We both did. "So it's a reflection of Joxer. Duh? It's a mirror."

Strife rolled his eyes. "Look again, Curly. It's an aerial view of Joxie, an' ya can see me holdin tha mirror fah him ta look."

I looked again. Damned if he wasn't right. I glanced at Joxer. "Whoa, Jox. This is more invaisive than a hidden web cam. He's had you on close circuit glass."

"Yup. An' notice this streak?" Strife pointed to a smeary place on the little mirror.

Joxer studied it. "What is it? Has he been eating while he watched me?"

"Nah. Let's just say that if this was a female mirrah, it might have little monacles by now."

Joxer looked blank. I leaned over and whispered in his ear. His eyes got big. "Oh, no! If he watched me while I was... I mean, sometimes I... Ooo, and I know that time in the pond I yelled his name! Xena and Gabby came running because they thought that he'd appeared and I was shouting a warning. I almost drowned, ducking under the water."

"Little more private information than I needed, Joxer. So Strife, are you saying that Ares has to marry one of us?" He nodded. "Or what? I, personally, have no intention of slapping him with a breach of promise suit." Strife crawled back on the bed, draping himself over both of us so that his legs were arranged diagonally across Joxer and his head rested on my bosum. "Comfy?" I asked sarcastically.

"I love Cupe as a pillah, but I gotta admit that yer softah. Anyways, now Unc hasta take one of ya as his publicly recognized consort. Y'see, fah awhile there, long time ago, Zeus was tellin every mortal, demi-god, an' full fledged deity that he boiked that he was gonna ditch Hera an' make 'em his consort. Ya wouldn't believe tha amount of nookie somethin like that can get ya. Anyways, Hera found out, an' boy, did she get her toga in a twist. She appealed ta tha Fates, and Gaia, an' they laid down tha rule. Any God or Goddess that asks anyone, mortal or othawise, ta be their consort is bound ta carry through on tha offah. If they're already hitched, then both concerned parties gotta agree to a menage..."

Joxer looked confused. "Three way," I offered. He gasped, eyes going wide, and the blush was back full force. "What?"

"I just realized what Meg must've thought when she asked if Xena, Gabby, and I ever had a menage, and I said all the time. I thought she meant stew."

"That would be melange. I hope I'm there if she ever mentions it to either one of them. So Strife, what happens if one of the askees doesn't consent to play threesies?"

He looked troubled. "Ta tell ya tha truth, I'm not exactly sure what would happen. There's nevah been a test case. I suspect it would be somethin very unpleasant, probably painful, an' maybe messy--fah tha asker, anyway. I gotta say, I'm kinda surprised. Unc hasn't shown any inclination ta get hitched. Then a few months ago he just ups an' disappears. We consulted tha Fates, an' they said he was on a mission, not ta worry about him. He shows up two nights ago, royally pissed about somethin..." he pointed, "an' searchin fah a certain curly headed, blue-eyed, pants-wearin, smart mouthed woman who doesn't seem ta know much about what's goin on around her."

"I resent that. I think I've adapted rather well, if you over look the reaction to outside bodily waste elimination."

Strife blinked. "Wha-huh?"

Joxer offered, "According to her they have some sort of seats in the buildings that you can... um... you know, in, and it's just swept right out of the house."

Strife considered this. "No chambah pots? No outhouses?"

"Not unless you're visiting Dogpatch," I responded.

"Hm." He got a thoughtful look on his face, then a slow, evil grin spread. "I bet if somethin went wrong with them so that they couldn't sweep tha stuff out, that would cause," he giggled, "a real stink."

Joxer gave me a woeful look. "You've just given him an idea."

"Generations of plumbers will thank me. Anyway, I'm sure that there's some sort of a loophole we can use here. I mean, he didn't really mean what he said. He only phrased it like that because I told him he could say anything he had to say to me to Joxer, too."

Joxer nodded. "He was being sarcastic." His voice lowered. "Darn it."

Strife was shaking his head. "Don't mattah. Tha words were said, he's bound ta follow through. He's gotta pledge ta one o, an, and soon. I don't know if there's an actual time limit. I think we'd hafta consult with tha authorities on that." He cocked his head, thinking. "I'd say he'll prob'ly go with you, Scribie. No offense, Jox--you're a hot dude, an' a sweetie, an' all that, but let's face it... He'd catch all kindsa shit from mosta tha Pantheon. Yah, Cupe an' me got away with it, but we still get snotty looks an' comments some time. An' I think tha only reason it ain't worse is that neithah one of us is considahed a major deity. But damn, Unc is War, dig?"

"How do you come up with all these anachronistic terms?" I asked.

"Halls of Time."

"Then how come you don't know about potties? Oh, wait a minute. They never actually show them functioning in the movies or television... Not often, anyway, and not in any mainstream stuff..."

"Yer babblin, sweetcheeks."

"I tend to do that when I'm freaked out, and being chained to a bed awaiting the return of a possibly psychotic, definitely horny, aggressive god will do that to me."

He shrugged. "Don't worry about it. He can't force ya ta commit to him."

"What about sex?"

"Uh, well, yah. that he could force. He prob'ly won't, though. He really prefers a willin partnah, despite what tha rumahs say."

"'Probably won't' doesn't inspire confidence in me."

"Don't sweat it." He got up. "I'll go have a few talks with some people, make sure tha situation is brought ta their attention. If he gets persistent, tell him you're preggers. He don't mess with moms-ta-be."

"He already knows that I'm a virgin."

"Uh. That won't work, then. That ain't scheduled ta happen fah anothah few centuries, I think. Tell ya what, Joxer, if he tries ta get frisky with yer friend, just distract him. You can do it," he grinned, "an' I think I can safely say that ya would have fun doin it."

"How about letting us go?"

He snorted. "Even if I could undo chains that he slapped on ya, an' that's by no means a sure thing, do ya think I'd be stupid enough ta do it? See ya soon."

Flash!

Gone in a burst of red sparkles.

"Well, damn! " I griped. "What do we do now?"

Joxer sighed, smiled at me, and said, "Read any good scrolls lately?"

I stared at him, then relented. "Well, there was this one called Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ahzkaban..."
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Stranger In A Strange Land