Silenced Screams

Chapter Eight







In the week since Sam had been released from the infirmary and allowed to return home…with her babysitters of course, everyone had fallen into an uneasy stalemate. Sam did her lab work, she work everyday until she was ordered off base. She ‘yes Sir’ed’ and ‘no Sir’ed’ Jack until he had visions of duct taping her mouth. From the moment she saw him until he practically ran from her lab there was a ‘Sir’ on her lips. But really what could he do about it…there was no regulation against being respectful. Jack could just see that argument being made to General Hammond…’Sir she’s calling me ‘Sir’ and she won’t stop. It’s the way she says it Sir, she says ’Sir’.’ Yeah, that would go over well. So he held his temper and weathered her resentment of his efforts to make her deal with the emotions she was trying so hard to bury since her rape.







A team had searched her house for any clues as to who had broken in kidnapped and raped her. But it was almost as if it had been a ghost. Not one piece of paper had been disrupted. Not one print in the entire house that wasn’t a known. And after a week no one strange or out of place had been spotted either following Sam or around her house. In short they were no closer to identifying her kidnapper now than they had been the day of her return. Everyone had returned to their normal routine. Except now Sam had a babysitter 24/7, much to her strong objection along with daily visits with Dr. McKenzie. On the point of her safety Jack could not be moved. Someone would be with her at all times when she was not on base and she would see someone who could help her deal with all the feelings and emotions she was trying so hard to deny.







SG-1 minus Sam had been on two ‘day missions’ off world. Just the general ‘meet and greet’ type visits to follow up on the current status of worlds they had setup friendly relations with in the hopes of increasing as Daniel termed it ‘cultural understanding’. But the dynamics of the team had changed. The resentment Sam felt toward Jack’s behavior grew each day. Aside from being grounded from off world travel and required to visit with McKenzie on a daily basis, his obsession over her rape had changed how everyone acted and reacted toward her. Thanks in part to her little outburst with Daniel anyone approaching her gave loud and repeated warning of their intent and made sure to never touch her. She couldn’t be more of a pariah if she wore a scarlet 'P' proudly proclaiming her status as 'undesirable and soiled'. She was now 'damaged goods'. No one wanted to spend anymore time around her than was absolutely necessary to do their job. Daniel and Teal’c swapped up nightly babysitting her at home, but only because they were ordered to do so. The strain was fast approaching a breaking point that promise to be spectacular.







But for now, everyone muddle through falling into an uneasy truce. Sam worked in her lab on the many projects she had always had to put on a back burner because of her demanding schedule with SG-1. She now had more than enough time to complete many of them between her daily visits with McKenzie. Visits which covered nothing. He questions and probed and she held firm in her response that everything was fine and she was more than coping with everything that had happened to her.







“How long did you think it was gonna take before I found out you were being uncooperative and skipping your appointments with McKenzie?” Jack practically shouted as he entered the safe haven of her lab.







“Sir, I had experiments running I couldn’t drop just to go sit and stare at the doctor. I told him I would reschedule.” Sam responded straightening from her microscope but not turning to face him.







“Carter those visits aren’t optional. You’ve been ordered to see McKenzie and not just to stare at him and until he’s signed off on you, I’m not putting you back on active duty.” It was an uphill fight Jack thought, not for the first time, trying to make Carter deal with the trauma she’d been through. But one he had every intention of winning. He was not going to be fooled into believing everything was fine with her when he knew better. He wouldn’t make that mistake again. He could live with her hating him for forcing the issue as long as she ‘lived’ to hate him. “Carter don’t make me ground you permanently.”







That was the last straw. Before she could think better of it, she found herself yelling back at him and coming dangerously close to physical blows. “So, what is it you want me to do Colonel? Fall apart and cry. I’m a Major in the USAF…a soldier! Life goes on…shit happens everyday! We still have to go on! “







“I can hear you two all the way to the elevators.” Janet informed them as she walked in carrying a lunch tray.







“Don’t miss another appointment Carter or you won’t have the lab as an excuse.” Jack said before he stormed out of the room leaving the heavy weight of silence in his wake.







The silence stretched endlessly before Janet finally spoke up. “Sam…the Colonel’s right. Avoiding all this won’t make it go away.” Sam cut her off before she could say more.







“For the hundredth time…I’m fine. This only seems to be a problem for the Colonel, Janet. I don’t know what it is he wants me to do.” Sam’s anger turning to frustration .







“He wants the same thing we all want Sam. Acknowledge how it all made you feel. What you’re feeling now. Stop pretending it didn’t happen or that it didn’t leave scars. All you’re doing is putting off your reaction. You’re gonna have to deal with it soon or later and later you just might not survive it. He can’t go through that aga…” Janet cut herself off having already said too much.







“Again…?” Sam was confused. “What do you mean…again?” Sam asked as Janet rushed toward the door.







“I’ve gotta go. Just think about what I’ve said Sam, please.” Janet begged and disappeared down the hall leaving Sam to wonder what it was she was missing, well except for her appointment with Dr. McKenzie which she was already late for.







“You must have a popular number, that’s the third wrong number this evening.” Daniel commented as he walked back into the kitchen carrying the last of the dirty dishes from the table.







“What?” Sam jumped just as she slammed the phone down.







“Well, all you ever say is ’no’, so I just assumed it was a wrong number. You get many of them? I never really noticed before. Well, I wasn’t staying here before…”







In his own little world of talking and reasoning it took a few seconds before Daniel noticed Sam’s hand trembling and her completely ghost white complexion.







“Sam are you okay? Is something wrong?”







Itching to get close to her and comfort away whatever was causing her so much distress Daniel held his spot. They had all been warned repeatedly by Dr. McKenzie that rape victims did not like to be touched…especially by men, so Daniel kept his safe distance, but something was definitely bothering Sam. Taking a stab in the dark Daniel ventured.







“Look, if there was anyone else I’m sure they wouldn’t be calling me back in. I know you and Jack haven’t been getting along to great. But Jack said Teal’c had already gone off world and no body else speaks the language. Jack won’t give you any grief tonight, he promised.”







The doorbell ringing right on cue. “Speak of the devil.” Daniel joked as he moved to answer.







Exchanging goodbyes as the babysitting squad changed guards the house soon fell into a very uncomfortable silence. Jack flipped through the channels while Sam pretended to do reports on her computer in the other room. She could almost convince herself he wasn’t there if it wasn’t for the fact that he had to stop and stick his head in the room every few seconds like he thought she might bolt and jump out the window.







Deciding the best way to get him to stop checking her out every few minutes was to have him running from her, Sam decided to turn the tables. He hated to talk and he never wanted to talk about his past…so…there was something in his history he’d let slip a couple of times…so the next time he popped his head around the corner she was prepared.







“What did you mean by ’again’ Sir? You and Janet both keep saying ’again’.” She challenged as soon as his head appeared. Sure enough he wasn’t prepared. He had a ’deer caught in the head lights’ look and it wouldn’t be long before he recovered and ran for cover.







“What?” Was all he could get out, and even that was choked.







“You said you wouldn’t let it happen 'again'. And today Janet said you couldn’t go through it 'again'. So…go through what 'again'?”







Trying to recover as fast as he could, Jack desperately sought a way to avoid having ‘that’ particular conversation…’just so not gonna happen’ he thought.







“Carter what’re you talking about? It’s late and I’m calling it a night. We’ve got an early briefing tomorrow. That is, if Danny gets back in time. Doc said you still needed your rest so shouldn’t you be turning in also?” He knew he was rambling but he just wasn’t ready to go there, yet. It was easier to keep her mad at him than trying to deal with his own demons. Thirty year old ghost who still had the power to destroy him if he ever acknowledged them. “You’re not taking care of yourself. You’re never gonna get back on active duty…” He trailed off as he beat a hasty retreat from the room.







Sam could only smile, she knew how he was gonna react. Now that should keep him away from her for the rest of the evening. She was still smiling when she picked up the phone. “Hello…” And her blood ran cold as she listen to the voice on the other end. The voice that knew she had just had an argument with her boss. A voice that promised there was no place she could hide and no one to protect her when he decided to come for her again. She slammed the phone down with a trembling hand trying without much success to control her breathing and the mad rush of blood from all the necessary parts of her body. And that was how Jack found her a few seconds later when he returned to find the cause of the strangled cries he had heard.







“Sam are you okay? I thought I heard…”







And he didn’t get any further with his statement as he took in her frighten appearance as he entered the room. Without really thinking he crossed the room and had her enfolded in his protective embrace. Rocking her, petting her hair and whispering words of comfort to help her through whatever had triggered this powerful reaction. She almost broke down in his arms before she recovered enough to bury her fears. The last thing she needed was to give the Colonel even more fuel to justify his belief that she wasn’t fit to return to work and active duty. Jack felt her stiffen and immediately recognized his error. They had been told repeatedly that rape victims feared being touched, especially by men. But he had been so concerned about her that he had reacted in his natural way before he thought better of it. He pulled back and out of her personal space, dropping his head in shame for making bad matters worst by adding his own failures to the long list of things she was trying to deal with.







To Sam’s mind’s eye she could see and feel the revulsion the Colonel felt at being so close to someone as vile and repulsive as she was since her rape.







“Carter I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…” That’s where he puttered out. How best to word …without putting his foot any deeper in his mouth.







“It’s okay Sir. I’m kinda use to it. It can’t be easy for any of you having to be around me after what I’ve done. I feel the same way. I wouldn’t touch me either if I had the choice.”







Her head was down and her back was to him, not wanting to have to witness even one more person’s reaction to having to be around her. She saw it on everyone’s face, in their body language when they were around her. Happy and cheerful until they remembered who and what she was, then they couldn’t get away from her fast enough. The Colonel would be no different. For a split second he had been his old self until he remembered and then he too, was backing away and ready to run from her presence.







“It’s okay Sir. I understand. I wouldn’t want to be around me either if I had the choice.”







Sam conceded in complete surrender and acceptance of the reality of her situation.







“What?”







Jack asked confused. He was prepared for anything from teary over emotions to having his ass kicked for pushing her so hard. But what he wasn’t prepared for was the otter shameful look on Sam’s face. How could someone so smart be so clueless sometimes. And she was still rambling on.







“It’s alright Sir. I understand. I can’t really blame you…any of you for wanting to stay as far away from me as possible. I understand no one wants to touch me…that no man will ever want me again, why should they?”







She was almost in tear, but she wouldn’t allow them to fall. She was stronger than that. She could handle it and be the good little soldier she had been trained to be. She would stand tall and take it all without blinking cause that’s what she had been doing her entire life.







Jack just stared...where to begin. How could someone as brilliant as she was get everything so wrong. ’Didn’t love her’, ’didn’t want to touch her’, ’no man’… he couldn’t even figure out where to start. She had everything so wrong. She didn’t seem to have a clue. ’Not want to touch her’…? That had been McKenzie’s idea. The man was a quack if ever anyone was.







“Sam…” And he reached to cup her face.







“How could you think we wouldn’t want to touch you? How could you think we wouldn’t care? If anything I care too much.” Before he could get any more out the phone rang again.







“For cryin out loud, your house is grand central station.”







And he picked up the receiver without ever breaking eye contact or even registering it wasn’t his phone to answer.







“Hello?”







After listening for only a few seconds his whole body language changed.







To Be Continued





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