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If You Want To Play Games, Okay...But I'll Win	By : WW2_Lover Category: G through L > Hogan's Heroes Views: 1043 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own ANY of these characters, ANY part of this series, or make ANY money from Hogan's Heroes. I'm just borrowing them for a little while. Any words with a * in front of them are lines directly from the show.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
Any words with a * in front of them are lines directly from the show.

Kommandant = Commander
Heer = The German name for their Army
Luftwaffe = The German name for their Air Force
Reichsmarks = The currency of Nazi Germany. (It was discontinued in 1948.)
Der Führer = The leader (Adolf Hitler’s title)
Oui = French for the word ‘yes’
André = French for the name ‘Andrew’
Mein Gott = My God
Herr = Mister
Ja =Yes
Reichsmarshall = Marshall of the Reich (Hermann Göring’s title)
SS-Reichsführer = Leader of the Reich SS (Heinrich Himmler’s title)
Luft Stalag = Stalag is short for ‘Stammlager’, which is short for ‘Kriegsgefangenen-Mannschaftsstammlager’. It translates to ‘Air Force prisoner-of-war camp’
Kommandtur = Commander’s office
Pièrre = French for the name ‘Peter’
Magnifiquement = Beautifully
Schnell = Quickly/hurry up
Dummkopf = Idiot
Raus = Out!
le Commandant = French for ‘the Commander’
Général = French for the word ‘General’
Oflag = Short for ‘Offizierslager’, which translates to ‘Officer's camp’
Jawohl = Yes sir
Boche = French slang, which translates to ‘German’ & is a derogatory term.
Mon = French for the word ‘My’
Numéro un = French for ‘Number one’
Danke = Thank you
Jerry = British slang, which is a derogatory term for the Germans
Bolsheviks = German slang, which is a derogatory term for the Russians.
Mein Kampf = Hitler’s biography, which translates to ‘My Struggle’
Frau = Mrs.
Nein = No
Auf Wiedersehen = Goodbye

Below Klink’s quarters, down in the tunnels…
As Hogan stepped off the ladder, he looked around at the strange group. “Well, here we are,” he said cheerfully. “Welcome to our lovely basement. It’s a bit dark and a bit damp, but it works for us.” He motioned for LeBeau to take everyone else and start to tour, indicating that he wanted to speak with the Kommandant alone. LeBeau nodded and led the way, Newkirk bringing up the rear.
After the rest of the group had left, Klink looked around him. The ceilings were about seven feet high and had lanterns hanging from them. How in the world had Hogan and his men managed to get that high in the air?! Nobody here was seven feet tall, not even Schultz! Not that Schultz was a prisoner of war, mind you, but he was still the tallest man here. And speaking of his Sergeant of the Guard, Klink had a question.
“Hogan, where is Sergeant Schultz? I know he talks to you and your men in Barracks 2 quite often, so I do not believe you would not wish him to see this.” God only knows it had gotten to the point that if Klink needed the fat sergeant, there was a good chance he would find him in Hogan’s barracks. “For that matter, where is Corporal Langenscheidt? You said they would both be considered war heroes by the Allies, so surely that means they should be here to see this?”
Hogan looked amused. “Langenscheidt? Well, he…uh…he’s claustrophobic, sir. He’s not real fond of tunnels or enclosed spaces. Not real fond of the dark either, which is why he requests to work during the day when possible.” His look changed to one of embarrassment. “As for Schultz, well…look, we’d like to have a ladder to climb back up, if you catch my drift. He’s a big guy, you know? Besides, I’m pretty sure Langenscheidt has an inkling about us already. And Schultzie never wants to know anything anyway, so we didn’t bother telling him.” He mentally crossed his fingers and prayed the older man never found out the truth regarding the fat sergeant’s unwilling knowledge. That was one thing Hogan wasn’t planning on tell him!
Frowning, Klink considered this. Yes, Langenscheidt did usually request to work during the day when possible, but how would Hogan know that? Perhaps he is just observant, his inner voice said. That didn’t feel right, but he could always ask the younger man later, after they were alone. “And just how would Langenscheidt know about this?” Klink asked evenly.
He was proud of himself for not dragging Hogan back up the ladder by the ear and showing the wily American exactly what he thought of all these secrets! Only the fact that they weren’t entirely alone – as he knew they’d have to catch up to the others at some point – had him resisting the urge to do so. But later on, Hogan had better watch out! A smile crept over Klink’s face as he imagined finally getting some much-desired answers from Hogan later on. “How did you keep Stalag 13 from becoming a sinkhole?”
“Oh, that’s easy enough. These tunnels are well supported, since fixing cave-ins weren’t on our to-do list.” Hogan had to smile at the memory of the so-called ‘mineral spring’ that had appeared in Stalag 13 briefly before vanishing after the last cave-in. “It’s happened before, and it was a real pain to fix.”
As he noticed the ‘nasty-happy’ smile appear on Klink’s face, Hogan coughed to avoid showing nervousness. He didn’t gulp, but it was difficult. Even if nobody else in the group knew, Hogan knew exactly what that smile meant, and it didn’t mean being able to sit down easily! “You sent him and Corporal Langenscheidt with us to Paris, remember? To get that painting replaced?”
“Yes, I remember,” replied Klink evenly. “But it turned out the one that had been burned was already a copy.” He frowned at the memory of the entire event, which thankfully hadn’t ended with him at the Russian Front. “But what does that have to do with anything? He was one of the men sent to guard you.”
The younger man nodded as he continued his latest whopper. “Sir, have you ever known things to happen normally when I’m around? We ran into some Gestapo agents that tried to interfere with what you’d sent us to do. Sergeant Schultz lied through his teeth to them and Langenscheidt just went along with it.” He shrugged as he mentally altered what had really happened in his head, leaving out the fact that the fat sergeant had actually been dressed as a general.
He didn’t need Schultz getting in trouble for trying to help them, since Klink was still his commanding officer. “If he didn’t have at least an inkling we were up to no good then, he would have to be stupid…and he’s not. More than that, he would have questioned why you trusted us to get the job done.” Hogan just hoped that vague answer would satisfy Klink!
Thankfully, that answer seemed to calm the older man down. “Very well, Hogan. You can tell me more later on.” He gave Hogan a look that promised painful retribution when they were alone. “Now, show me these tunnels of yours.” Oh, but he was going to have some serious words with the American general later on! As Hogan led the way, Klink had to marvel again at the brilliance of all of this. He just hoped the stress wouldn’t give him a heart attack, because dying in a secret underground tunnel inside a POW camp would not be a pretty end.

An unexpected surprise…
Later on, after everyone had exited the tunnels, Hogan sent Kinch, Carter and Newkirk to put on the costumes he wanted to show off. Everyone else had sat down in Klink’s quarters again, and Hogan was tired. Major Hochstetter had asked quite a few questions, and Hogan had answered them all honestly. Needless to say, finding out he had been right all this time but never taken seriously had made the Gestapo man extremely upset. He’d also informed Hochstetter that he would be spending life in prison instead of being shot, since that was a better alternative for him in Hogan’s eyes.
At least it was in the American’s mind, since death was quick. Rotting in prison, on the other hand, would suck. Understandably, the irritable major also wasn’t happy to hear that. But there was nothing for it; even he could only work so many miracles! London had refused to budge any further on the issue when he’d called them, and honestly Hogan hadn’t tried too hard. He felt Hochstetter should count himself lucky already.
Surprisingly, there was a lot of things Hochstetter hadn’t asked about, and Hogan wasn’t volunteering information! The American just assumed that the shorter man hadn’t heard about the results of those missions…because he already knew if the foul-tempered man had heard about them, he definitely would have asked more questions.
He’d also told London about the papers he needed, and they had promised to give it the utmost priority after Hogan explained that neither he nor Klink could leave the camp until this was solved. Klink had been understandably surprised to see the radio, Hochstetter had just stared at it like it would do a trick at any minute, and Burkhalter…well, he hadn’t seemed impressed by anything he’d been shown down in the tunnels. Something was deeply wrong here.
As he studied Burkhalter, another thing occurred to Hogan. The fat general hadn’t seemed overly bothered about any of the revelations regarding their secret activities or anything else, and that set off warning bells in the American’s head. He looked over at Burkhalter, who looked entirely too pleased with himself. That alone bothered Hogan, even if the lack of surprise hadn’t already! “Okay General, what’s going on with you? You don’t appear to be surprised by any of this news, and besides that, you look like the cat who ate the canary.”
“’E looks like ‘e ate the canary’s whole bloody family,” muttered Newkirk.
Burkhalter glared at the British corporal before giving Hogan a blank look. “What? There are no canaries here, Hogan. What are you talking about?” he said, sounding annoyed. He had a very good grasp on the English language, but there were still some idioms that escaped him!
Hogan sighed. While he couldn’t expect the Germans to understand every saying in the English language, it was still annoying to have to explain them. “It means you look way too happy and pleased with yourself over there, General.” He shot Newkirk a warning look, which the Englishman promptly ignored. “Even if my corporal decided to be rude about it, which there was no call for. In addition to that, you aren’t acting like any of this is new to you.” He gave the fat general a quizzical look, not overly worried this late in the game but still curious.
In return, Burkhalter gave him a blinding grin; the effect was simultaneously amusing and creepy. Burkhalter never smiled, and everyone in this room knew it. Klink had edged his chair away from his commanding officer in preparation for the worst, and even Hochstetter looked a bit unnerved. “Since you have been kind enough to show me what you have been up to, Hogan, I shall do the same,” the general said. “Does –”
It was that moment that Kinch chose to enter the room, wearing a Heer general’s uniform. It was identical to the one that Burkhalter wore. The only difference was the rank insignia indicated that Kinch was a full, four-star general. This meant that he outranked the fat Austrian, who was only a three-star general. “By the order of General Kinchmeyer, stay seated!” said the radioman in a German accent.
Next, Newkirk came out dressed in the costume of a Luftwaffe major. “Major Hoople is here with the counterfeit five thousand Reichsmarks you requested, General Kinchmeyer!” His British accent was completely suppressed, with a rather angry sounding German accent taking its place. In his hand he held a wad of paper bills. “I’ve got me an SS uniform too, but I despise basic black. No matter what the Guv’nor says,” he said with a glare at the new American general. His British accent had returned now, which sounded at odds in comparison with the uniform he wore.
Hogan groaned. “Newkirk, that’s my alias! Get your own,” he replied, sounding mildly irritated. “And you really do *look better in basic black.” He was waiting on the last surprise, which was Carter. He should be showing up any minute now…
Finally, Carter burst into the room. And there he is, thought Hogan. Carter’s hair was dyed black with temporary hair dye and combed over his left eye, with a small black mustache in place under his nose. He had on a field gray uniform like the one Hitler had always worn when he made public appearances. Out of the two he’d worn – the other one being a tan color they’d used on a different occasion – he knew Carter preferred the one he had on, mostly because of the memories associated with it!
In addition to all that, all of the medals he wore were correct and placed appropriately. All in all, it was impossible not to know who he was dressed as. “I am der Führer! All hail me!” he yelled in Hitler’s voice as he raised his arm in a stiff Nazi salute. As he moved, he imitated Hitler’s walk…which was unmistakable to anyone who’d ever seen him move.
The American general grinned as he remembered Schultz frantically stammering, trying to announce who had arrived but unable to get the words out. Then Klink had asked ‘Adolf’s’ fake staff sarcastically, “*Well, why didn’t you bring the Führer with you?” before seeing Carter in his disguise and saying, “*I’m glad you did.” before giving the required salute and required greeting in Nazi Germany. He’d almost fainted too, and Hogan had been worried that they’d have to have Schultz drag the Kommandant back to his quarters so he wouldn’t freeze in the cold night air.
Hogan also remembered Burkhalter showing up, which wouldn’t have been a problem if Carter had done what he needed to do quicker. However, the young sergeant didn’t get to play German officials often enough for his liking. So when he did, he hammed it up!
Fortunately, Hogan had been able to discreetly get his attention and quietly tell him to get the Austrian general to leave, since he didn’t know if Burkhalter would see through the disguise. The resulting off-the-cuff improvisation had been nothing short of hilarious, and Hogan had almost lost his composure! He still didn’t know how Carter had managed to keep a straight face, because everyone’s expressions had been priceless.
‘Adolf’ had immediately started yelling about his staff. “*I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn’t for my generals. *They are ignorant stupid fools who know nothing about war! *All they do is eat, and have good times!” Then Carter had begun yelling about Burkhalter in particular, having already been on a roll. “*I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! *But soon, the goose will hang high by his heels!” Strangely enough, the Austrian general had quickly decided that he hadn’t wanted to speak with ‘Adolf’ that night after all. In fact, he’d been sure to beat a hasty retreat!
The three former prisoners wearing the costumes looked around at the three German officers, enjoying the various looks on their faces. Burkhalter appeared to be surprised for the first time that day, Klink looked shocked and Hochstetter was visibly upset. Major Hoople…where have I heard that name before? wondered Klink. And five thousand Reichsmarks…wait a minute… The wheels were turning in the German’s head as he tried to make the connection.
Kinch grinned, showing a mouthful of white teeth. This was fun! Newkirk stood there, trying to look menacing and in character but not succeeding. Something about the wicked grin he wore ruined the effect. And Carter, well…Carter had a goofy smile on his face as he dropped his arm.
“Boy, that was great!” he exclaimed. “I wish I had a camera to capture this moment.” He looked over at the small Frenchman, who was openly laughing. “Hey Louis, please tell me you’re seeing this.” At the question, LeBeau nodded. “Oui. I am, André. Their expressions are priceless!” Then he laughed again.
This time Hochstetter was the first to react. “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ZIS?” he screamed. He looked over at Klink and growled, “What exactly have you been letting happen under your very nose, Klink?” His hands were balled into fists and a snarl was painted across his features. As he was busy complaining, the other men took their seats on the floor. They would change back into their own clothes later on.
Surprisingly, Burkhalter was prepared to defend the new general for once…mostly because he might have disliked Klink, but he disliked Hochstetter more. It was beyond the usual Luftwaffe & Gestapo/SS dislike that occurred on principle; he actually hated the shorter man with the foul temper. He opened his mouth, but the tall German was quicker.
“Hochstetter, would you shut up already!” Klink snapped, completely omitting use of the other man’s rank and all the formalities for once. He was tired, he was stressed out and he wasn’t sure he could handle any more surprises today. He didn’t need an irate Gestapo major adding to his problems!
“Nobody wants to hear you screaming all the time. Mein Gott, I know you have questions to ask, just like everyone else here. However, please ask them in a normal tone of voice. Nobody here is deaf. Of this, I can assure you.” Klink wasn’t sure where these words or the sudden backbone to say them came from, but it was worth it to finally speak his mind on the matter! God only knows that menace has spent the last three years yelling at me for just about everything he can think of. And payback feels so good, he thought.
Hogan was grinning, enjoying the new backbone that Klink showed. Kinch didn’t laugh, but he was still grinning. Laughter danced in his dark eyes as he shared a look with his commanding officer. Newkirk was snickering, LeBeau was smiling and Carter just looked confused…which was normal for him.
But Klink wasn’t done yet. He was thoroughly enjoying provoking the personal thorn in his side, and he had something else to say. **"You know, Major Hochstetter, I was told that you spoke fluent English, just like I do. Yet your grasp of it seems to be very limited." He ticked the items off on his long fingers as he spoke. "Who is this man? What is this man doing here? Heads will roll. I will surround this camp with a ring of steel."** Klink looked over at his troublemaker, enjoying the fact that his words made the young general smile. "Did I miss anything, Hogan?"
**"You forgot 'Bah!', Kommandant,” Hogan added helpfully**. He was snickering at Klink's words, knowing that the Gestapo man had to be irritated as all get-out from being put in his place by now. Guess Klink's got a sense of humor after all, he thought. Who knew?
It was with immense satisfaction that all the men in the room watched the major snap his mouth shut in surprise. In turn, Hochstetter glared fiercely at Klink, but didn’t let the shock show on his face. Since when does Klink have a backbone? He has never yelled at me before! Zis promotion has gone to his head, the foul-tempered man thought irritably. He didn’t like the fact that he had become predictable regarding what he would say either!
In the chair next to Klink, Burkhalter also closed his mouth and raised his eyebrows in surprise. Apparently, Klink has the situation handed! he thought. The fat general thoroughly enjoyed seeing Hochstetter knocked down a peg himself. His only regret was that he hadn’t been the one to do it.
Burkhalter wasn’t sure where the sudden display of nerve had come from, but he really wished Klink hadn’t waited until after the war ended to find it. He just hoped the other general wouldn’t be impossible to deal with now, because that was a problem he definitely didn’t need. “Sergeant Carter, you are a dead ringer for Hitler. I see how you managed to fool everyone…including myself,” he added dryly. He looked at his subordinate. “And Klink, that was quite a surprise coming from you. Are you feeling well?” he asked the new general.
Klink turned to look at him. “I am quite well, thank you Herr General,” he replied politely. “But like you, I have to deal with this man for the last three years. And he,” he pointed a slender finger at Hochstetter, “has a nasty habit of storming into my camp at will and screaming about everything all the time. One would think that he did not know what a normal tone of voice was,” he added. “He tosses out orders and bosses me around, despite the fact that this is my command post and I outranked him by two full ranks at the time! Although it is three now,” Klink finished with a smile.
“Then why did you allow it, Klink?” inquired Burkhalter. “Surely you are aware of military protocol and the hierarchy of ranks, ja?”
It was a good question, and Klink considered it thoughtfully. Why had he allowed it? Stalag 13 was his, damnmit…it wasn’t a Gestapo outpost! Finally, the answer came to him. “I think, Herr General,” he began thoughtfully, “that I was more concerned about keeping the major – and by extension, the Gestapo – happy. If they were happy, they would not harass myself or my prisoners.” He shrugged. “I take my duty seriously, Herr General. No one but yourself, another Luftwaffe general or Reichsmarshall Göring was going to remove any of them from Stalag 13. Not while I was still in command here.”
The German was sure to stress the word ‘Luftwaffe’. “I know you are part of the Heer, General Burkhalter, as I am not blind. However, you are here on Herr Reichsmarshall’s orders, so that is different.” Klink shifted in his seat and folded his arms. “Besides, you know I have no love for the Gestapo. I would tell Herr Reichsführer himself to go to hell in this regard.” Giving Burkhalter a curious glance, he added, “He is not part of the Luftwaffe, and these prisoners are mine to protect. Well, they were,” he amended. “Since the war is over, they are obviously free to go. The point is, no harm was going to come to them as long I was still breathing,” he finished.
Kinch and Hogan had been listening to Klink’s speech with surprise. Who knew Klink felt so strongly about keeping them safe? The man was normally a coward, so to hear that he would be willing to defy one of the most powerful men in Germany to accomplish that if need be was a bit of a shock.
For his part, Kinch at least knew who Hermann Göring was. Every pilot made it their business to know the head of the enemy organization. And he’d heard Burkhalter boasting of his ‘dear friend Heinrich Himmler’. What he didn’t know was who the mysterious man was, or even why he was so special. It was frustrating to say the least. At least he knew that Heer was German for ‘Army’, which was something anyway. “Okay, exactly who the hell is this guy Himmler and why is he important?” Kinch asked. “And more importantly, what kind of military was that nut in Berlin running that an Army general was in charge of a Luft Stalag?”
Hogan glanced at his second-in-command, surprised that he didn’t know. “Kinch, you know who Himmler is. He’s the other guy that has his picture on the wall in the Kommandtur. You know, the one dressed in black with the glasses on and the SS runes on the collar? Kinda looks like a weasel? Or maybe a ferret,” he added as an afterthought. “He’s the head of the SS and the Gestapo, which makes him Major Hochstetter’s ultimate boss. General Burkhalter here has boasted about his ‘dear friend Heinrich’ many times, as you’ve heard on the coffee pot.”
He tossed a look at the Austrian general, who looked very unhappy at that unflattering comparison. “Look, with all due respect General, what I’m saying is true. No offense.” Then Hogan gave Burkhalter a sideways look of curiosity. “Although Kinch does have a good point; why is a Heer general in charge of Stalag 13?”
With a sigh, Burkhalter replied, “Because, Hogan, I am a staff officer who holds a high rank. All the Luftwaffe generals were needed at the Russian Front, so I was chosen for the job.” He raised an eyebrow curiously at the new German general. “Oh, really? That I would have liked to see, Klink.” He held no love for Hochstetter himself, and the only reason he’d maintained his relationship with Heinrich in the last year was because it was useful. Heinrich had gone mad with power, which had made him rather crazy. Burkhalter wasn’t fond of idiots, but he had to admit there was another reason as well…it was a useful connection to have. “Pardon me? A coffee pot, Hogan? Do tell.”
“What, don’t you know what a coffee pot is now, General?” Hogan asked wryly. He was enjoying teasing the fat Austrian, yet he gave in at the look he received. “Okay, okay. The coffee pot acts like a speaker for the bug in Klink’s office…the one hidden in the picture of ol’ scramble brains giving a speech. It’s in the microphone,” he added, looking pleased at his own cleverness.
“True, Guv’nor. I reckon it’s been right useful for evesdroppn’ and tellin’ us what we ‘eeded to know,” piped up Newkirk. He mimed holding up a phone and squinting, as if he were wearing a monocle. “*Hello, this is Kommandant Klink. Open the gates at once! Mmmmpf!” He imitated Klink’s voice while swinging his right arm and fist in the same way Klink did, his fist clenched. “HOOOGAAAN!” He repeated his imitation of Klink’s voice – which was good enough to be believable, even to someone who knew him well – and all the former POWs laughed.
‘Do the other one, Pièrre!” urged LeBeau with a grin. “You do it so magnifiquement.” Shaking his head with a smile, the English corporal closed his eyes for a moment. Meanwhile, Hogan rolled his eyes at the theatrics – Newkirk had always shown himself to be a method actor when called upon to act – and this time was no different. When he opened them again, he had a frown on his face. He lifted his right arm in the air, his fist clenched, and shook it angerly. “SCHUUUUULTZ! REPOOOOORT!” he yelled, imitating Klink’s voice again. “SCHELL, DUMMKOPF!”
That was it; the all the former prisoners lost it. They all cracked up laughing, even the usually serious Kinch! Newkirk was openly laughing, LeBeau was actually rolling on the floor and Carter had tears coming out his eyes from laughing so hard. As for Hogan, he was doubled over, holding his sides as he tried to get a grip on himself. “That was…that was great, Newkirk,” he wheezed out. “You’ve got the Kommandant down pat!”
Even the usually sour Hochstetter had a small smile – which was equivalent to anyone else dying of laughter – and was exceedingly rare for him. Hogan could count on one hand the times he’d seen the major not frowning. As for Burkhalter, he was actually laughing out loud. “He does an excellent imitation of you, Klink,” chuckled the general. He shot Klink a look, who didn’t appear to be amused.
“Thank you, thank you,” replied Newkirk as he bowed and smirked. “I’ll be ‘ere all week.”
“No, you will not,” growled the tall German officer. “Corporal Newkirk, I am not amused. And the rest of you can stop laughing!” he ordered. Klink glared at the American general, who was still holding his sides. “I am glad you find it so funny, Hogan,” he said with a slight warning in his voice. “We will discuss this later on, I am sure.”
Hearing the change in tone, Hogan quickly stopped laughing. By now, he knew that tone…and he knew what would happen if he pushed Klink too far! He wasn’t stupid, just very stubborn most of the time. It had taken almost a year of pretty much standing up all the time for the message to finally sink in…but it finally had! He had been able to convince his men that he was on a new exercise and muscle-strengthening program to cover for that, thanking all that was holy that they’d bought it.
Being their commanding officer had a few perks, and one of them was that his men didn’t question him...even if they did give him a few strange looks. Fortunately, his men had been too busy poking fun at the Kommandant to notice the warning undercurrent. He wasn’t a fan of the idea that he and Klink could very well end up putting on a floor show, with him as the main attraction!
“Oh, lighten up Klink,” remarked Burkhalter. “ I think it is very funny, and *I have not laughed like this in years.”
And that was the moment that Sergeant Schultz chose to enter Klink’s quarters. He was out of breath and holding a sandwich. As usual, he’d forgotten his rifle somewhere. Hogan had never been so grateful for Schultz’s usually terrible timing. Breathlessly, he asked, “You called for me, Herr Kommandant?” The fat sergeant looked both confused and worried as he saluted his commanding officer. As was typical of Schultz, he held the sandwich in the hand he used to salute. The gesture was entertaining to see. “What did I do now, sir?”
Klink glared at his Sergeant of the Guard and snapped “Dummkopf, I did not call for you! Why would I call for you right now?”
“I do not know, Herr Kommandant. That is what I am trying to find out,” explained Schultz, as if he was talking to a young child. “But it sounded just like you. And you often call me a dummkopf, as you just did. So, I merely thought –”
“Corporal Newkirk was merely doing impressions, Sergeant,” Burkhalter interrupted, seeing Schultz’s confusion and deciding to take pity on him. “I think it was very good, myself.”
“Well, you have to admit it was a great impression, sir,” replied Hogan. This wasn’t what Klink wanted to hear at all. Out of reflex, he shook his fist in the air like Newkirk had done earlier and yelled, “HOOOGAAAN!”
Combined with Newkirk’s impressions from earlier, this response sent the former POWs into a laughing fit again. Schultz was trying to figure out why Klink was having a meeting in his quarters instead of the Kommandtur when his eyes fell on Major Hochstetter sitting near Hogan. That is not a normal occurrence, Schultz thought to himself.
As he noticed the former POWs clustered around Klink and General Burkhalter. They were wearing…are those German uniforms?! The thought went through the sergeant’s head even as he backed out the door. “I see nothing! I hear nothing! And I know noooothing!”
“We know! Raus, raus, RAUS!” yelled a frustrated Klink as he pointed toward the door. Stammering something that couldn’t be understood, Schultz made a hasty exit and closed the door.
Folding his arms, Klink glared at Hogan and his core team of men. “YOU WILL CEASE THAT INFERNAL LAUGHING THIS INSTANT!” he yelled. Now he was irritated, because he didn’t appreciate being made fun of…and certainly not in front of the other two German officers!
“BAH!” added Hochstetter helpfully, contributing to the already chaotic environment. “Now who keeps yelling, Klink?” Though he didn’t like the idea of spending life in prison, he had to admit it was better than an execution. Life meant a chance to escape and gain his freedom, after all! He was also relishing the chance to repay Klink back for his insults earlier. “It is not so nice to have your own words thrown back at you, ja? Overall, I find zis whole thing strangely entertaining.” Any chance to annoy the monocle-wearing thorn in his side was something he was on board with!
If looks could kill, the major would have been incinerated on the spot. Yet there wasn’t much the new German general could say to that, so he settled for giving Hogan a look that promised him he’d regret this later. He knew the war was over – for real this time – but there was no way Hogan was going anywhere before Klink had a chance to at talk to him in private one last time. Though if Hogan kept this bratty behavior up, there might not be much actual talking involved!
Deciding to take control of this conversation before he spanked the American brat in front of an audience, Klink changed the subject. “What were you talking about when you mentioned using a coffee pot to eavesdrop before, Hogan?”
“Oh, that.” Hogan motioned to the three members of his team. “Use the stove entrance and go and get the coffee pot.” Then he added, “And change out of those uniforms! Carter, go wash that stuff out before you’ve got black hair permanently. Then come back here. Kinch, you wait in the Kommandtur until Newkirk calls you. Talk to us out loud after Newkirk calls you. Newkirk, after you bring back the coffee pot and plug it in, call Klink’s office so Kinch can give a demonstration.”
“Understood, General, said Kinch. “With pleasure, Guv’nor,” replied the English corporal. “You got it, boy – I mean, sir,” added Carter as the three men left the room.
Looking over at the Germans, Hogan sighed. “You’ll see the best surprise yet when they get set up, General Klink.”
Klink groaned and massaged his temples. “Hogan, I did not manage to survive two world wars only for you to kill me today with a heart attack from surprises.” The American was surely crazy. Granted, Klink had seen a lot today. At this point, he was liable to believe anything. But a bug in his office? Surely he would have noticed that! When he thought of his office, he remembered something Corporal Newkirk had said earlier.
With a calmness he definitely didn’t feel, Klink asked, “Tell me, Hogan, just who is Major Hoople? I know no one by that name, but he claimed I was his commanding officer. Yet there are no officers working at Stalag 13 but myself. And where did he get five thousand…”
Klink trailed off as he remembered the printing press he’d seen in the tunnels and the major’s voice…it had been familiar. Too familiar! His eyes widened in realization, which caused his monocle to fall out. By reflex, he caught it and put it back in his left eye. Pointing an accusing finger at Hogan, he stammered out, “You! You…you…you…”
“I think le Commandant is mentally stuck, Général,” said LeBeau helpfully. “He seems as if he can’t get the words he wants to say out.”
“That is normal for him,” replied Burkhalter causally, as if the two of them were good friends.
Scowling at the French corporal yet not daring to scowl at his commanding officer, Klink managed to get the words out. “You were Major Hoople! You gave those officers what must have been counterfeit money! And you…you saved my life,” he finished as he held his head in his hands.
“Those officers…they were going tell the Führer that I refused to help with their project. But you showed up out of nowhere with the money.” He glanced at Hogan with wonder. “You gave me some flimsy story about working outside the camp to earn money. But I….oh, never mind.” Klink had a headache and needed to take something for it as soon as possible. He would deal with this later!
“It would seem, Klink, that you are very fortunate that I had Hogan brought here,” said Burkhalter. He looked indifferent to everything that was going on around him. “He appears to have been your guardian angel.”
“Herr General, why did you bring Hogan here?” asked Hochstetter unexpectedly. Everyone left in the room turned to look at him. It was a fair question, since normally an enemy officer such as a full colonel would have been sent to an Oflag.
The Austrian general gave the Gestapo major a surprised look. The Gestapo man was actually being civil for once, so Burkhalter decided to be civil as well. “That is a reasonable question, Major Hochstetter, and one I will answer when the three gentlemen return.”
Even with all the surprises he’d dished out today, Hogan thought he’d already known everything there was to know about the war and who was doing what. But this was news to him! He recalled everyone mentioning a general but no name when he had been interrogated before.
And then the goons in black had simply told Klink to “call the general” if he had questions, but they hadn’t given a name for said general. At the time, Hogan had thought it weird but just figured Klink already knew the man in question. Which, as it turned out, he had!
The American general felt incredibly stupid for not having pieced this together before, especially as he’d met Burkhalter not long after being transferred to Stalag 13. Yet he dismissed that stupidity by reasoning that he’d had more important things on his mind. A sabotage ring didn’t run itself! “That was you?” he asked incredulously. “You saved my life, General. Those officers…” He trailed off, not sure how to phrase it. “They – uh, well – they weren’t the friendliest bunch of people,” he said carefully.
He really didn’t want to relive those memories any more than he already did, but he had to add something else. “Actually, they seemed to have a lot of fun in seeing how creative they could get when they asked me questions.” Hogan nodded his head in gratitude to the fat general.
“You have my deepest thanks for your timely interference. And I do mean timely! But the looks on their faces when you called was great,” he added, the humor returning to his voice. “Regarding what Major Hochstetter just asked you, I’d like to know the answer too. I would’ve said thanks a lot sooner if you’d told me,” Hogan said disapprovingly.
“I thought you already knew, Hogan,” replied Burkhalter, a frown appearing on his face. “Surely they said my name at some point?” He found it hard to believe none of the Gestapo officers had mentioned his name at all, especially when they’d delivered him to the monocle-wearing Kommandant.
“If they had, I could’ve worked that much out for myself, sir,” Hogan shot back. “Not one of them said your name or anything else. They just kept repeating ‘Ja, Herr General’ and ‘Jawohl, Herr General!’ I thought it was weird, but I just chalked it up to being a German thing…along with millions of copies for every single form,” he said snarkily. “And then they brought me here. I thought for sure when the Kommandant asked them why I was here that I’d get an answer to my question, since you know how curious I can be sometimes.”
“Yes, yes…we all know that, Hogan,” muttered Klink irritably. He’d lost count how many times that very curiosity had almost gotten him in deep trouble!
Burkhalter didn’t even glance at his subordinate as he replied, “*Klink, shut up.” He waved his hand, indicating that Hogan should continue what he’d been saying.
Nodding, the American continued on. “Anyway, they didn’t give the Iron Eagle here,” he jerked his thumb in Klink’s direction, “any names. They just told him to “call the general” if he had any questions and left. I kept wondering how he was supposed to call someone when he didn’t know their name…even the Luftwaffe’s got to have more than one general!” he said. “But that was all they said before they left. I can tell you they were definitely scared of disobeying you, sir. But General Klink was just as confused as I was,” he finished.
“Now that I find hard to believe, Hogan,” Burkhalter deadpanned. “Mostly because that would be an improvement on Klink’s part.”
A movement was seen, and all eyes turned to the stove as the Englishman popped up out of the floor. He had changed clothes and was now redressed in the familiar RAF uniform he always wore. “You rang, Guv’nor?” asked Newkirk. He tapped one ear and added, “*Ears like a hawk, you know.”
“About time,” complained Hogan. “Set it up and give Kinch a call already.”
“Aye aye, sir!” replied Newkirk with a salute. He set up the coffee pot before striding to phone and calling Kinch. “Kinch, me mate, it’s your ol’ pal Newkirk. Do it.” Then he hung up the phone. There was a silence in the room until the RAF corporal plugged in the coffee pot, anticipation hanging in the air. Suddenly, the radioman’s voice was heard from the speaker. But he wasn’t alone. Well, that hadn’t been planned on. Kinch was supposed to be there by himself.
“…and so then, Newkirk says to the general, ‘What type of medals does Klink wear?’ and Hogan rolls his eyes and says ‘borrowed’.”
Kinch had clearly been in the middle of telling a story when Newkirk had called him, because there was a hearty laugh in the room that everyone recognized. “Haha, borrowed! That is a good one, Sergeant Kinchloe!” It was Sergeant Schultz, and he seemed thoroughly entertained by Kinch’s tale. “The Big Shot is always stomping around here, complaining about everything and yelling at me. How he even earned any medals at all is something I will never understand. Now, I think the Kommandant needs a nice fräulein in his life. He is always so cranky! But none of them will date him! Poor devil.”
Schultz chuckled and Hogan groaned, closing his eyes. He felt a headache coming on, and the sergeant’s words weren’t helping it any. “You know, Sergeant, he –”
“Uh, Schultzie? You might want to –” Kinch tried to intervene. But Schultz continued on as if he hadn’t heard him.
“– gets mad whenever I forget my rifle, you know. But I hate carrying this thing. One time, I lost it on purpose when the Kommandant wanted me to shoot it at someone. I have nnnnever liked war, and I just want everyone to get along. I –”
Opening his eyes, Hogan made a slicing motion across his throat. Newkirk quickly pulled the plug and the fat sergeant’s voice was abruptly cut off. He didn’t miss the smiles on everyone’s face, except for two people. Major Hochstetter, who looked cranky again…and General Klink, who looked like he was about to lose his temper. “Newkirk, go and get Kinch. Drag him back here if you have to. And tell Carter to hurry it up!”
“Yes, sir!” Newkirk said as he turned and sprinted out of the room. Meanwhile, Hogan could feel Klink staring at him. He stuffed his hands in the pocket of his bomber jacket and smiled weakly. “So…that happened. Pretty cool, right?” He made a valiant effort to soothe Klink’s ire, which failed.
“Indeed, General Hogan.” The German’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Be sure to stay behind for a little while after everyone leaves. I trust we have much to ‘discuss’. You know, wrapping up business here at Stalag 13 and such. There is paperwork to be filled out, calls to make, etcetera. I am sure you want to go home after your package arrives.” He gave the American a look that clearly conveyed what he meant, and the American went pale.
“Oh…sure. No problem, sir,” he said faintly.
LeBeau looked concerned. Why had Hogan suddenly gone pale? Was this Boche threatening him? “Mon Général, are you alright?” The Frenchman eyed both Klink and his commanding officer suspiciously. “You don’t look well.”
Waving his hand, Hogan replied, “I’m fine, LeBeau. Just looking forward to getting out of here, finding a woman…you know, the usual stuff.” He gave his corporal a cheerful grin he didn’t feel. “It’s been a while, so I’m afraid my skills might be rusty. That’s all.” He frowned as he added, “Though I do hate German…paperwork.” Great, just great!
Ah, you thought you would just do all of this and leave? Think again, troublemaker, thought Klink. A smirk played over his lips as he asked, “Why would you say my medals are borrowed, Hogan?” An offended look crossed Klink’s features as he spoke. “I assure you that I have earned every medal and award I have!” he said defensively.
Thankfully before Hogan had to come up with a lie, Carter decided to show up. “Carter, thank God you’re here!” exclaimed Hogan in relief. Now he didn’t have to stick his foot in his mouth yet again. Though of course, he just let his team think he was relieved at Carter’s appearance. “General Burkhalter was about to tell us something important.” He looked behind the young sergeant. “Where’s New –”
The door flew open and the English corporal entered, the radioman right behind him. “We’re back, sir,” said Kinch as he pulled off his gloves. “I left Schultzie in the office. He wanted to come along too, but I told him it’d interfere with his policy to ‘see nothing’, ‘hear nothing’ and ‘know nothing’. In the end, he decided against it.”
“If the gentleman would please sit down,” requested Burkhalter. “I do have other things to do today, you know.” He nodded at Hochstetter, who was fuming again. “Like hand him over to the Americans.”

General Burkhalter’s tale…
After everyone had sat back down, the fat general said, “I will make this brief, even though this day has been amusing.” He looked at all of them in turn, his eyes settling on Hogan. “I am going to assume that you have heard of the super-spy called ‘Nimrod’, yes?”
The American let a puzzled look cross his face. What did Nimrod have to do with any of this? Hogan himself didn’t know who the British super-spy was, although he remembered convincing Hochstetter that Klink was Nimrod at one point to complete a mission. What kind of question was that? “Of course, sir…everyone working with the Allies has heard of him. But even I don’t know who he is. London’s kept absolutely mute on the subject, so I’ve never met him. Why?”
“You do now.” Burkhalter waved a gloved hand at himself. “It is good to finally meet then, nein?”
You could have heard a pin drop in the room, because the silence was that deafening. For a moment nobody said anything. Then everyone spoke at once.
“You’ve got to be bloody barmy!” exclaimed Newkirk. “I know a British accent when I ’ear one, and you, General, ain’t ruddy British!” Newkirk looked highly offended at the very idea.
“Impossible!” said LeBeau. “Why would the Allies make a Bosche general their numéro un spy?” He looked like he could spit nails. The Frenchman had no love for Germans, even if Burkhalter was technically Austrian.
“Boy, I think General Burkhalter’s finally lost it,” added Carter. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and nodded. “Maybe he needs a medic of some kind?”
“There’s no way that’s possible, General. London would have said something to me!” replied Hogan. “They would’ve wanted to make sure we didn’t accidentally ship you off to them for whatever reason.” He could accept a lot of things, but this went beyond even his limits.
“With all due respect, General, I don’t see why London would take that risk,” Kinch piped up. Hogan’s second-in-command was calm, but he fully agreed with his commanding officer. “You are a general, sir, and the opportunities to betray them would be plentiful.”
“General Burkhalter, how could that be?” Klink was still having trouble wrapping his mind around everything else that had happened today. Pointing at Hochstetter, he added, “Major Hochstetter said he talked to Nimrod on the phone, and then talked to you immediately after he hung up. Even you cannot be in two places at once, Herr General,” he finished reasonably.
“BAH!” shouted Hochstetter again, this time in anger. The major was more incensed now than he’d been earlier – if that were possible – because this was the ultimate betrayal. “Impossible! I talked to Nimrod on the phone, and then I –”
“– ate a piece of paper that had a fake code on it, presumably given to you by Corporal Newkirk over the phone,” finished Burkhalter.
He looked incredibly pleased with himself. “At least I am guessing that it was the Englander, based on his vocal imitation talents. There is also the fact that after he showed up, he translated the code within two minutes. And after you had tried for over two hours to do so and failed! Anyway, I admit that watching you eat the paper was quite amusing.”
Hochstetter was frustrated, and his headache was raging by now. He knew Burkhalter had no love for him or his branch of the service, but this went too far! Still, Klink had a point…for once. “Yes, Herr General…what Klink said,” he added with a grimace.
It annoyed him to admit Klink was right about anything, considering he knew the man was an idiot. “How could you be on the phone and in the room with me at the same time?”
Holding up his hands, Burkhalter said dryly, “If everyone would simply calm down, I will tell you.” Everyone in the room shut up, eager to hear what the fat general had to say. “Danke. Now, in the interest of clearing this up quickly, I will answer everyone in the order of which they spoke.” He put down his hands and looked at Newkirk. “Corporal Newkirk, I am not British. You are correct in that. I am Austrian and proud of it. However, I am a plant, as you might say, behind enemy lines.”
Newkirk looked like he was about to object, but Burkhalter continued. “I was already a full colonel in the Heer from the first war. When Hitler took power, madness soon seized my country. I quickly realized within two months that he was absolutely insane, and I did not wish him in power any more than the rest of the world did. As the Americans had won the last war, I originally sought to offer them my assistance. They are a young country, but they had already proven to be very formidable in battle.”
He turned to LeBeau. “I am a general now, but when the war started I was a colonel. That rank gave me some privilege and allowed me traveling rights that others did not have. As I have told Klink countless times, a colonel is not such a bad rank. It is much like being a general, only without the endless paperwork from problems your subordinates cause you.” He looked pointedly over at the new German general, who had the grace to look embarrassed.
“Not to mention the constant headaches you get, the nonstop whining about this problem or the other, and the enormous responsibility overall. But I digress,” Burkhalter said. He shifted in his chair and got more comfortable as he looked at LeBeau again. “The Americans were – naturally – suspicious of me. As you said, Corporal LeBeau…why would they make a German officer their number one spy? Well, they did not. Not at first. They – what is the English term? – scoped me down.”
“It’s actually scoped you out, sir,” said Hogan, thinking it was cuter when Klink messed up English phrases. This was an interesting tale, to be sure! “I’m assuming you mean they were checking out your background, getting a feel for your motives, stuff like that, right?”
Nodding, Burkhalter replied “Correct, Hogan.” He clasped his hands over his large stomach as he continued his tale. “In any event, they gave me little tests at first. Pass along a false message here, give my commanding officers the wrong time for something there. Little things.” He took in a breath of air, appearing to think for a moment.
“Well don’t leave us hanging, sir! What happened next?” inquired Carter. He had flipped onto his stomach and was propped up on his elbows. Like the rest of his teammates, this was the first he’d heard of this, and he wanted to know the rest.
“Have some patience, Sergeant. I am getting there,” remarked Burkhalter. Everyone’s attention was on him, he was pleased to note. “Anyway, this happened over a few years…from March of 1933 to June of 1937, to be precise. And the Allied High Command in London either has less concerns over possible traitors or they had a backup plan in place. I say this because when President Roosevelt contacted them about me, they offered to continue my spy training there.”
He gave Hogan a look. “By that point, there was no doubt of my loyalties. Yet your President felt that having a German officer on the staff, especially one who had fought on the enemy’s side in the first war, would cause great upset. And they did not wish for that to happen.”
“I can see why that would be a slight problem,” murmured Kinch. This was the weirdest thing he’d ever heard, and he’d heard enough crazy schemes from Hogan to justify making him completely gray.
“A slight problem, he says,” replied Klink. “A general on Hitler’s personal staff is a traitor and you call it ‘a slight problem’.” He just wanted to take a nap for the next decade or so, until the world returned to normal and he could forget the war had ever happened.
“If I am a traitor, then so are you Klink!” Burkhalter snapped back sharply. “I know you have seen more of Hogan’s shenanigans than I have, yet you have done nothing about them. Do not kid yourself.”
Klink fell silent as he contemplated this. The sad thing was that he couldn’t even deny it. There had been one occasion he’d even sent Schultz ahead to warn Hogan and tell him to ‘*get rid of that radio, if he has one’ when the Gestapo had brought a radio detector into Stalag 13.
For all of his speeches to the former prisoners about the ‘glorious Third Reich’, he knew in his heart that they were false claims. Deciding not to reply to that comment, he instead waited for Burkhalter to continue.
“YOU ARE ALL TRAITORS!” yelled Hochstetter out of nowhere. “And you will all hang for zis!” He growled the last word and glared at both of the German generals. He couldn’t believe his ears. To not agree with the Nazi regime was one thing. He could handle someone feeling that way, even if he personally was a big supporter of it.
It wasn’t advisable to do, considering such people tended to either disappear or die. But to outright work against it? No, that went against his principles…such as they were. This was an outrage!
“Major Hochstetter, unless you are particularly eager to get acquainted with your new prison cell, shut up and let me finish,” said the fat general evenly. “Also, I would like to point out that you have no authority to carry out that threat.”
Gritting his teeth, the irate major replied stiffly, “Jawohl, Herr General.” It galled him to do so, but at least he had the comfort of knowing he would never see Burkhalter again once he left Stalag 13.
“Anyhow, I was flown to Britain for a meeting. Let me just say that Buckingham Place is a nice place,” he added with a glance at Newkirk. “Prime Minister –”
“’Old on jus’ a minute! You met the bleedin’ Queen of England?!” interrupted Newkirk. Despite himself, he was just as sucked into this incredible story as everyone else. It was every British person’s dream to meet the current monarch, and yet Burkhalter – a Jerry – had managed it? Now that was a personal insult!
“No, Corporal,” replied the general with a sigh. At this rate, he was never going to finish his story. “But when I was flown in, that was where your Prime Minister was going to be. He was in a meeting with the Queen, so I got a tour of the palace while I waited for him.” He gave Kinch and Hogan a rare smirk. “By the way, that rumor about the guards being completely stone-faced and emotionless? It is a complete lie…or at least it was when I was there,” he added.
“In any event, after his meeting with Her Majesty, I got to meet with the new Prime Minister. Sir Winston Churchill is quite a nice man, though I can see why the Bolsheviks gave him the nickname ‘the bulldog’. The man is unbelievably stubborn. When he wants something, he does not stop until he gets it…and he can be unbelievably persuasive.”
“That sounds like someone else we know, Herr General,” replied Klink. He raised an eyebrow and gave his troublemaker a knowing look, which caused Hogan to actually look sheepish. “Are you certain that you two are not related, Hogan?” he deadpanned.
“Oh, shut up,” retorted Hogan.
Klink raised an eyebrow at him questioningly, as if asking Hogan if he thought it was wise to use that tone. My brat must be very confident in himself if he is choosing to be disrespectful, he thought.
Seeing it, the American added a “Sir,” to the end of his sentence hastily.
Burkhalter continued on as if he hadn’t heard their little exchange. “Churchill agreed with my assessment that Hitler would surely plunge Germany into another world war. He was greedy for land, greedy for power, and wanted to show he was the ultimate military leader. We both saw this coming, and we had both read Mein Kampf. So –”
Kinch couldn’t help himself, because he had to ask this question. “Sorry to interrupt you General, but why would Churchill read that…that book?” he asked. “If you can even call it that,” he added in disgust.
“What better way to know your enemy than to read about his life…and his plans that he so carelessly laid out for all to see?” replied the general. “Hitler had made it quite clear what his plans were from the starting gate when he wrote that. But as I said, we had both read the book and we were both in agreement. Churchill knew war was inevitable, though we both hoped that it would not be another world war. As you know, Corporal,” he addressed this remark to Newkirk, “the United Kingdom was not eager to go to war again. And Churchill also knew that he had to wait for Hitler to slip up somehow before he could do anything about him and be able to justify it. Otherwise, the United Kingdom would have been known as the aggressor.”
Burkhalter shrugged as he continued talking. “Fortunately, I had made my move to help the Allies years prior…I know now that if I had waited until 1939, it would have been too late. As everyone here knows, World War Two was declared in 1939. Everyone here that was formerly a prisoner of war joined their respective air forces at some point, got shot down, and here we all are,” he finished.
Well, he had to give Burkhalter credit…it was an interesting story. Yet Hogan wasn’t all the way convinced. “Okay, so if I was to radio London right now and ask them to confirm that story, would they?” he asked Burkhalter. “And my question still remains: if you were Nimrod, why didn’t you tell us? Or at least tell me?”
Snorting, the fat general replied, “They might…or they might not. I would advise asking that question in person, General. As you haven proven tonight, voices are easily faked.”
He gave Newkirk a lingering gaze, to which the Englishman smirked in reply. “And like I said, my identity was top secret. I do not know for certain if it is anymore or not, as I have not gotten a chance to check yet.”
He returned his gaze to Hogan. “Yet I tried to help you where I could. Or have you forgotten the plans I left you, Hogan?”
Hogan stared at him, not understanding what Burkhalter was talking about now. “The plans? What pl –” He cut himself off as he remembered the supposed ‘model airplane’ plans he’d somehow gotten right after Burkhalter had left…along with the note.
“Oh. That was you?” he demanded.
“Indeed. And if you had paid attention at all, you would have noticed that I was always nicer to you than to Klink. As a fellow officer in the same military as I, that should have been the other way around. Besides that, I always brought important documents – in English, no less – to this camp. Any other officer would not have gone anywhere near Stalag 13 with anything remotely top secret, and if they had brought anything of the sort it would have been in German. Yet I continuously brought such things here, making sure you would be able to read them.”
He took in the surprised looks on their faces, enjoying being one up on Robert Hogan for once! “I knew the Englander here was an excellent safecracker, because London had told me how they airdropped Alfie the Artist here at one point to assist him. And Alfie has never worked with anyone but the best, which meant your corporal has a lot of talent,” Burkhalter said, causing a look of pride to appear on Newkirk’s face.
“Let me put it this way; he was not locked up in a maximum security prison because he was a low risk sort of man,” added Burkhalter. “Anything I put in Klink’s safe, I might as well have personally handed your corporal pictures of,” he said to Hogan.
Well, Hogan was convinced. He’d done a lot of crazy things in the last three years, all in the name of the ‘Unsung Heroes’ operation. Yet this tale of Burkhalter’s was too strange not to be true, and he had made some valid points as well. Besides, he could always confirm this crazy story with London later on.
He just had two questions left. “Well…I guess thanks for all your help, General Burkhalter. But I have two more questions for you.”
“And what might those be, Hogan?” asked Burkhalter wearily. He was tired, he had a headache from dealing with Hochstetter and his screaming, and he wanted to leave Stalag 13 behind forever. Perhaps I might even have a cold stein of beer before I go home, he thought.
Hogan shifted on the couch, grateful that Hochstetter wasn’t still screaming…or talking at all, really. “Okay, so first question: why did you send me here? Not that I’m not grateful, mind you,” he added. “But I know officers usually end up in Oflags here in Germany.”
“Simply put? Because you were needed for your operation here,” replied Burkhalter. “Although of course, the official reason was ‘to keep you from rallying your fellow officers and leading a mass escape.’ It was just a cover story, of course.”
He looked at the American. “And your second question?”
“How did you get promoted so fast? The first time I met you, you were a colonel…and the next time I saw you two months later, you were a three-star general. What did you do?!” demanded Hogan. Nobody got promoted that fast!
Burkhalter smiled, and the sight was unsettling to everyone else in the room. “Many things indeed…but the clincher was revealing that spy Wagner.” He received blank looks all around and sighed.
“Gentlemen, how can you forget the spy who saw your entire tunnel network and tried to expose you? The one who tried to ‘light a cigar’ and ended up shooting it? And who drenched me in water…in the middle of winter?!” Okay, he was still upset about that last one. He felt fortunate that he hadn’t gotten sick afterwards, since cold weather and ice cold water on one’s person didn’t mix well.
Hogan’s team had to laugh as they remembered the shocked look on Burkhalter’s face. To his credit, the American general managed to keep his composure. “Okay…but how does that help you in any way, General?”
The Austrian general shrugged. “London was extremely happy that I had told them about the threat to your operation and discredited him, while Berlin was happy that I revealed an ‘obviously insane soldier’ and sent him to the Russian Front. It worked quite well in my favor.”
With that, Burkhalter rose and motioned for Hochstetter to rise as well. “Now, I must be going. Hogan, I will be locking Hochstetter in the cooler before I leave…are there any cells you recommend?” he asked.
“Yeah, cell three. That one doesn’t have a tunnel or any kind of escape route to it.” Hogan smiled as Hochstetter balled his hands into fists. “Good luck, Major. Have a nice life.”
He looked up at Burkhalter, since he was still sitting down. “Would you be so kind as to let London know I need a pick-up from the cooler here, sir? Preferably ASAP?” He still had things to deal with here, and he didn’t need witnesses for them!
“Of course. The sooner I can leave this place, the better.” Burkhalter stretched as the other POWs and Klink got to their feet. They were a well-trained team and could take a hint, while Klink did it out of basic courtesy.
Hogan stood as well and gave Burkhalter a proper salute for once, with his men and Klink following his example. “I guess this is goodbye, General Burkhalter. I won’t say it’s been fun, but it’s been…interesting, anyway.”
“I concur.” General Burkhalter returned the salutes and shook his head. “We will see each other again, General Hogan. You will need me the next place you and Klink go together.” He looked on, amused at the surprised looks on the two generals’ faces.
“With that, I bid you all good day.” He turned and walked toward the door, literally dragging a protesting Major Hochstetter with him.
Right before he left Klink’s quarters, Hochstetter shot him a nasty glare. “BAH! I WILL GET YOU FOR ZIS, HOGAN!” he screamed.
“Yeah, yeah, tell it to the war crimes tribunal,” was the sassy reply Hogan gave in return.

Details, details…
After the two Germans had left and the door had closed, everyone still in the room looked at Hogan expectantly. Where was their commanding officer going next that he was taking Klink with him? The American had a shocked look on his face, which only increased their curiosity.
“Where are you headed next?” The question was said at the same time by Klink and his team. In addition to that, Klink asked, “Where am I supposedly going with you?” He didn’t recall agreeing to go anywhere with Hogan!
“Trust Burkhalter to almost ruin my plans,” was the muttered reply. And he must be telling the truth about who he is if he knows them, because I haven’t mentioned them to anyone but a single person in London!
Sighing, Hogan replied, “I can’t tell you. Any of you,” he amended, directing the last part to his team as he saw the questions in their eyes.
As Klink opened his mouth to protest, the American officer looked at the tall German and added, “You’ll find out soon enough…and no, it’s not a bad thing, I promise. But it is a surprise!”
Then Hogan looked at his team, the loyal men who had stood by his side through thick and thin since he’d been here. Their faces all held puzzled expressions, yet they all seemed happy enough. Just the fact that everyone was still alive and in one piece was enough for him.
“Well, this has been an interesting war, I can say that much. Now, you guys better get going to London if you want your commissions!” he told them.
As his men started to interrupt, he held up a hand. “We’ll talk more later. For now, I need a nice long nap. I have a headache, and I have things to wrap up here. So, go on! That’s gonna be a long flight and jet lag is a royal pain. I’ll tell you guys everything later on, I promise.”
They all grumbled but finally said their goodbyes and one by one gave him a brotherly hug. After he shook each of their hands, they left to pack up their things and head for London.
Hogan stood there in silence, contemplating just how crazy war could be. But the silence was broken by Klink, who had his ‘nasty-happy’ look on his face. Uh-oh! He recognized that grin, and it wasn’t a good sign.
Backing up, he held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, easy now General Klink. We have the final paperwork to do and other stuff to discuss, remember?” He had used Klink’s new title on purpose, hoping to distract the usually proud German.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t working today. Klink walked toward him slowly, his movements graceful and predatory.
“Oh yes, we have much to discuss indeed. But they will not involve you sitting down!” he added. “You will tell me where I am supposedly going with you, Robert Edward Hogan, and you will tell me right now.”
Yet it was not the approaching threat, but the use of his middle name stopped Hogan in his tracks. “Wait…how do you know my middle name? That’s not in my file!” he exclaimed. He’d never told anyone his middle name because he hated it, so only his parents knew it. He’d told the Army Air Force that he only had a middle initial.
“No, but Frau Hogan gave you the name. Therefore, I should think that she knows it,” Klink said wryly.
Blinking, the American general pondered this for a few seconds. “Who’s –” He cut himself off as the light bulb clicked on in his head.
“You called my mom?” he asked in disbelief. “What the hell, Klink?” he exclaimed, omitting the older man’s rank as he spoke.
“Language, Hogan,” replied the German officer, his blue eyes holding an unreadable look in them. “And yes, I did…yesterday, actually. I wished for her to know that her son was alive and well, and that he would be hopefully returning home to her in a few weeks or less. Also, I wanted to know the story behind your middle name, as I was curious about why you did not appear to have one. I have never met anyone who did not have one before."
This was an unexpected turn of events! Even as he was touched at the thoughtful gesture on his behalf, Hogan had to ask the questions on his mind. “What did she say when you asked her that? Did you tell her who you were?” His stomach sank like a heavy stone in the water as something else occurred to him. His mom was the town gossip, and he prayed that what he asked next would be answered with a resounding ‘no’. “Please, please tell me you didn’t tell her –”
“– that I have been spanking you for the last year due to you being a brat and an all-around troublemaker while you have been here in my camp?” Klink chuckled as he finished his brat’s sentence. “Oh, of course I did. And I told her exactly how, with what and why as well.” He watched Hogan’s cheeks turn red from embarrassment. “I do not any need rumors flying around that I was doing so because I was sadistic or that I abused you in any sort of way. So, I thought it better that she heard it – what is the English idiom? – straight from the horse’s mouth.”
Klink shrugged as he continued on. “But to answer your questions, I told her the truth: that I was the Kommandant of Stalag 13, the prisoner of war camp where you have been living for the last three years. I think she was surprised that I spoke English at all, never mind that I speak it fluently.”
His anger forgotten, he smirked at the blushing American. “After we got the formalities out of the way, she asked me how you were doing. I imagine from the initial tone of her voice that she thought I had you strung up by your thumbs and was having you starved…or something horrible like that,” Klink said thoughtfully.
“In any event, I told her all the trouble you have been causing here at Stalag 13 and for how long. I also informed her how you have – quite literally – almost gotten me killed at least twice, but that you managed to save me on both occasions as well. Among other things, we discussed your fairly regular habit of putting yourself in danger and sometimes putting others at risk along with you. Then I told her of my solution to the aforementioned problems – and your brattiness in general – in addition to how well it seemed to be working on you.” The older man paused for effect, but Hogan wasn’t in the mood for his games.
“So how long and how loudly did she scream at you for ‘laying a finger on her precious son’?” asked Hogan. He knew that his mother loved him to pieces, and surely she’d be hopping mad when she heard what he’d been through in the last year!
“She did not, actually,” replied Klink smugly.
Hogan blinked a few times in surprise. What? That can’t be right, he thought. “You’re kidding. Then what did she say?”
Klink appeared to be trying to remember the conversation as he put his hand on his chin. “Well, first she laughed for a good three minutes before she was able to speak. I do not believe that I have ever heard anyone laugh so hard in my entire life, so she obviously found it amusing. After that – if I recall correctly – she said, “That sounds like my child, alright. He’s a real prankster, but he’s mostly harmless.” Also, she says to tell you that she raised you to have much better manners than that.”
Yes, he was thoroughly enjoying the stunned look on Hogan’s face right now.
“Finally, she said to me, “Well, good luck to you, Kommandant Klink. My husband and I have always spoiled our son, but it’s about time someone took him well in hand. Keep him over in Germany as long as you want and feel free to discipline him as you see fit. Just make sure he gets home to us in one piece afterwards, don’t cause any permanent damage to him, and please make sure we see him at least once a year. I’ll let his father know what's going on in the meantime. Trust me, he’ll be very happy to hear about this. And tell Robert I said to behave!” By now his troublemaker looked very unhappy as he continued on.
“At that point, I assured her that I would do everything as she requested. Then she thanked me again, wished me a good day and hung up. So you see, Hogan, I have your mother’s blessing. I think that speaks for itself, do you not agree?” Klink finished.
“I think she must hate me is what I think,” grumbled Hogan. How could his mom do this to him? Some love that was…she’d given Klink free reign to keep him from sitting down forever! To say he was not a happy camper right now was an understatement. “How could you do that to me?” he demanded angerly. “My mom is the town gossip, which means she’ll tell everyone about this! I’ll be a laughingstock, and I’ll never be able to show my face in that town again.”
Giving the older man a dirty look, he added, “You said you’d never tell anyone about this arrangement of ours, but you lied! How could you tell my mom, of all people, that you spank me and –”
Which was as far as he got before he noticed Burkhalter standing there, a surprised look on his face.
“Hi, General Burkhalter. I was…we were just…um…okay, how long have you been standing there?” asked Hogan, unable to get his words the way he wanted to together for once.
Well, this was just great! If Burkhalter had heard him talking to Klink just now –
“Long enough to hear the tail end of a most interesting conversation,” replied the general, interrupting Hogan’s train of thought. “By the way, Major Hochstetter is now in the cooler. Yet as I was leaving, I realized I forgot my cap on the coat rack in here. So, I came back for it.”
He eyed both of the new generals and raised his eyebrows in surprise. “So, Klink…is it true what I just heard Hogan say? Is this how you have been punishing your prisoners all this time? Because while that would explain your ‘no-escapes’ record, you must have had your hands full indeed with all the trouble that revolves around this camp.”
“Nein, Herr General…just this troublemaker,” the German officer said as he pointed at the younger man.
In return, Hogan covered his face and groaned. Klink figured the cat was already out of the bag regarding his commanding officer, since he’d obviously heard enough of their conversation to figure things out. And Burkhalter was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a gossip.
“Believe me, I have my hands full just with him alone!” he added.
Burkhalter observed the American, who looked decidedly embarrassed as he uncovered his face and looked away. Hogan was looking at the floor in order to avoid meeting either of their eyes, which was odd for the normally cocky Allied officer. He was also shifting his weight from foot to foot in nervousness, his unease at the very mention of Klink’s unorthodox method a sure sign of its effectiveness.
“Well Klink, this is highly unusual…but from Hogan’s reactions, it seems to be working marvelously. Very effective, I must admit.” He glanced at his subordinate. “And you even got his mother’s blessing? Interesting,” he said with a smirk.
“Danke, Herr General,” replied Klink with a smile, pleased to be recognized for doing something right for once. But Burkhalter wasn’t quite done speaking yet. He still had a verbal bomb to drop.
“I shall have to make a mental note of this. If there is another war, Klink – and I dearly hope there is not, because I am getting far too old for this nonsense – I will be sure to make you the Kommandant of a prisoner of war camp right away. And I shall use this method on you from the start,” threatened Burkhalter.
“Do you have any idea how many headaches you have given me, not to mention the endless piles of paperwork? One would think I have nothing better to do than fill out reports!” The Austrian chuckled softly. “Of course, I will be sure to get permission from Frau Klink as well, so do not worry.”
Hold on just one moment, Klink thought. Surely Burkhalter would not really do that…would he? Oh, who am I fooling? Of course he would, and he would take great pleasure in doing it!
That was not what he had in mind when he’d started this whole thing with Hogan! “Wait, I…Herr General…you cannot…” stammered Klink, unable to get his words out as he blushed.
He wasn’t liking a taste of his own medicine, and – not for the first time in his military career – he wondered how he got himself into these messes.
And Burkhalter still wasn’t through talking yet! “After all Klink, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. So I suggest you keep that in mind, lest I decide to remember that little saying and act upon it.”
He watched his subordinate’s face turn red from embarrassment and smirked. This had been the most interesting day he’d had in ages, not to mention the most fun one!
Hearing the short conversation between the two Germans, Hogan began laughing hysterically and holding his sides again. His embarrassment faded away as he did so, replaced by giddiness. The mental images were just too much for him to handle. Seeing the unhappy look on Klink’s face, he only laughed harder.
“General Burkhalter, I didn’t know you had a sense of humor,” he gasped out. “That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard!”
He managed to calm down a little as he spoke, but Hogan was still laughing as he looked at Klink. “What’s the matter, Kommandant? It’s not as funny when the shoe’s on the other foot, is it?”
Glaring at the cheeky American officer, Klink replied in a warning tone, “Insolence! Hogan, I am warning you…you had better stop laughing right now!”
He wasn’t in the mood for the younger man’s sense of humor to begin with, and his newfound embarrassment wasn’t helping his mood at all. “Unless you feel like being part of a live demonstration, that is.”
But Hogan was too busy laughing again to hear the warning undercurrent in Klink’s tone, and so he ignored the verbal warning as well. There’s no way he’ll do anything with Burkhalter here, so I’m safe!
“Oh, but the best medicine always tastes the most bitter,” he replied, enjoying not being the uncomfortable one for once. So wrapped was the American in enjoying Klink’s utter embarrassment that it didn’t fully register what happened next.
Klink's arm snaked out like lightning and grabbed Hogan's arm in a no-nonsense grip before he began marching him toward the sofa.
And Burkhalter was still standing there, watching them with amused curiosity. You'd better apologize, and fast, said his common sense unexpectedly. Even if it's not sincere, you'd better say something unless you want to put on a show, Rob!
As they walked, Hogan felt three sharp swats land on his butt, which thankfully was still clothed.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
"Owww," he complained, dragging his feet to slow himself down. Even though the swats been over his clothes, they’d still hurt! "Okay, okay! I'm sorry, sir!"
It seemed to do the trick, as Klink had stopped moving. That in itself was a good sign, because at least it meant he might be able to avoid being punished. For the moment anyway, because he couldn't deny it would be happening at some point.
“No, you are not,” came the curt reply. “But you will be later on.”
Hogan quickly nodded his agreement. He didn’t want to risk putting his foot in his mouth, which he managed to do far more than he liked to admit.
“Okay, that’s fine! But please, just not right now,” he requested, tossing a quick glance at the fat general as he spoke.
“Alright, I will let this go…for now,” Klink said, shaking a slender finger near his face as he emphasized the word ‘now’. “Do not test me right now, Hogan, as I am not in the mood. This is your only warning.”
He gave younger man a glance that was both a promise of things to come later on and one of warning. “You will apologize to General Burkhalter at once for making a spectacle out of yourself.”
“Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!” replied Hogan, mimicking Schultz but actually giving Klink a proper salute for once, the second one he’d given Klink that day.
Hogan wasn’t feeling brave enough at the moment to be his usually flippant self with the older man, especially with an audience. He nodded to the fat general and gave him a proper salute as well, also the second one he’d given Burkhalter that day.
“I’m sorry you had to see that, General Burkhalter. That was completely uncalled for on my part,” Hogan said.
It didn’t make him happy being forced to apologize, but Hogan had learned when not to push it with Klink. Well, mostly anyway. There would always be incidents that happened whenever he was around the tall German, because the older man was just so easy to rile up.
With an exasperated look on his face, Klink returned it before looking at Burkhalter.
“Do you see what I have to put up with? He drives me insane,” grumbled the German general.
“And I feel the exact same way about you, Klink,” said Burkhalter as he returned the salute.
A thoughtful look crossed his face as he pondered what he’d just seen. He didn’t recall Hogan ever giving anybody a proper military greeting before, and certainly not Klink! Yet all it took was a few smacks to the seat of his trousers and marching him towards the sofa before Hogan was instantly contrite? And not only that, but Hogan had given him an actual apology and a proper salute!
Make that two proper salutes, because Hogan gave me one earlier as well, he amended mentally. The world must be ending if he is doing that!
That was interesting. Hmm…clearly Klink had been doing this form of punishment with the American general for quite some time now. Maybe there was something to it after all! Burkhalter would have to consider that line of thinking later on.
Yet right now, he had other things to worry about. “Quite a show you two put on, gentlemen. I am afraid I cannot stay for it, however…duty calls.”
He grabbed his cap off the coat rack and put it on, tossing a glance at Hogan. “While I highly doubt you will be able to avoid trouble completely, Hogan, do take my advice…try and keep it to a minimum. Now, Auf Wiedersehen!”
With that, Burkhalter exited Klink’s quarters and closed the door behind him.
Turning back to the younger man, Klink scowled. He wasn’t overly happy about the recent discussion with his commanding officer.
“In response to your last statement, Hogan, you will please remember that I did not say I would not tell anyone. I said I would never tell your men,” he pointed out. “By definition, that means anyone connected with you in your military career, including the Allied High Command.”
He rolled his eyes. “But Frau Hogan is still your mother, and I felt she should know what her son was up to. I will not tell anyone else, this I promise you.”
“You don’t have to. You told her, and that’s like telling the entire town!” Hogan exclaimed. “Do you have any idea how fast this story’s going to spread? I wasn’t being over-dramatic when I said earlier that I can never show my face there again.”
Hogan shook his head. “Besides, Burkhalter is part of the Allied High Command. Or weren’t you paying attention when he told us how he became Nimrod?’
Sighing, the German general replied, “You are a drama queen, Hogan…and a seasoned troublemaker. And besides that, you are the one he overheard speaking of our arrangement, not me.”
He rubbed his temples, the headache growing worse by the minute. “I really do have to do the final paperwork with you, but right now my head hurts. I must lie down for a while.”
He pointed toward the guest room in his quarters. “I know you said earlier you had a headache, so you may lie down in there if you wish. We can continue this conversation later on, after we both are more rested.”
Then Klink turned and walked towards his room. “There is aspirin in the medicine cabinet.”
Hogan nodded before wishing he hadn’t, as his head was pounding! “Um, okay. I’ll do that sir, and thanks for the offer.”
He remembered how soft the guest bed had been when he had stayed here once before, so he looked forward to sleeping on it again. Unfortunately, thinking of the bed triggered the memory of why he’d been allowed to sleep over. That wasn’t something he wanted to remember, but it did remind him of something he needed to ask.
“Hey, Kommandant?” he called out.
Klink stopped and looked over his shoulder. “Yes, Hogan?” he asked. The older man was almost to his bedroom, a tired expression on his face.
The younger man swallowed, debating the wisdom of the question he needed to ask. “So, when you said we needed to have a discussion earlier…did you mean a verbal discussion or a ‘discussion’ discussion?” he asked, making air quotes.
Smirking, Klink replied, “Both, actually. Now, goodnight for now! I need to take something for my head and sleep for a while.”
With those parting words, the German entered the bedroom and shut the door.
“That’s what I was afraid of,” said the American general softly.
Oh well, he had known that all of this would be forthcoming eventually! Entering the guest bedroom, he closed the door. Then he found the bottle of aspirin in the bathroom medicine cabinet and took four of them. Normally he would only take two, but he had a severe migraine.
He entered the bedroom again and sat down on the bed, enjoying being able to do so while it lasted. Hogan kicked off his shoes, removed everything but his underwear and crawled under the covers, lying on his back to relax while he still could. He’d had to sleep with some sort of clothes on for the last three years, so it was a welcome change of pace to sleep this way.
He sure hoped that he’d be able to actually sleep, because this day had already dragged on long enough. He hadn’t really been lying to Klink earlier, despite what the tall German thought. And he refused to be a laughingstock!

A/N: I know that Klink recognized who Hogan was when he was dressed as Major Hoople in the show…but for the sake of creativity, he failed to notice it somehow in my story.
Sir Winston Churchill took office in mid-May of 1937 and was the Prime Minster from that day until the end of WW2, as well as again from 1951 – 1955.
The words surrounded by ** are something I saw in another fan-fiction. I don't remember which one it was or who wrote it, but I thought it was hilarious and wanted to pay homage to it. So any and all credit goes to that author for their work! If I knew who you were, I’d thank you by name.
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