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.Winnie the Pooh's Star Trek	By : keithcompany Category: Star Trek > Star Trek Views: 2029 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or Winnie the Pooh, nor any of the characters from them. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Winnie the Pooh's Star Trek
- 1
Disclaimer: Star Trek, the Enterprise and her Crew, the Federation, are all property of Paramount. Winnie the Pooh and the other characters from the 100-Acre Wood are the property of Christopher Robbin. Christopher Robbin is the property of Mr. and Mrs. Robbin. This exploration of a Trek episode with plushie characters is only for entertainment.
This work is my own. Do not repost this story beyond the limits of the Fair Use standards of Copyright Law (quotes, examples, 'you gotta read this' excerpts, the usual).

the author is not making any kind of profit from this fanfic.

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Captain Pooh's Log, Stardate, oh, a little past lunch but not quite siesta. Kanga tells me that we have received a Priority Top Oh Help call from Deep Woods Station K7, so we went really fast and got here. K7 is between the territories of the Federated Woods and the Klingger Empire. Both sides are attempting to develop Sherman's Planet, in accordance with the peace treaty shoved down everyone's throat by the Organics. Whichever side does the best for the Giant Space Bees on the planet gets control of the place.

Roo (at helm): Captain, we're approaching K7.

Pooh (sitting in CO chair): Let's go to that shiny state, Mr Roo.

Roo: Red alert, Captain Pooh?

Pooh: Sounds good. So what's happening at K7? Is it the Klinggers?

Robin: Pooh, you big silly. There's nothing out there but K7. Long-see-thingy's show the station is at rest, space is quiet, and nothing bigger than a space barge is even in orbit around Sherman's planet.

Roo: Doesn't look like anything's out there to justify a Priority Top Oh Help call, sir.

Pooh: Oh, bother. I hate it when trouble plays hide and seek. That means we have to go looking for trouble.

Eeyore: (At navigation station) Yep. And we usually find it.

Kanga: (at comms) Captain, K7 is hailing us.

Pooh: Do they know we're here?

Kanga: Yes, sir.

Pooh: Oh, very well. Change the TV to their channel.

(Screen shows a very irritable Rabbit pacing back and forth.)

Rabbit: Ah! There you are. It's about time you got here.

Pooh: This is Captain Winnie T. Pooh, of the starship Acreprise. We received a Priority Top Oh Help call and flew here as fast as we could. What's the problem?

Rabbit: What's the PROBLEM? Pooh, are you a congenital Idiot or is your brain full of fluff?

Pooh: Well, actually?

Rabbit: I mean to tell you, Pooh, this space station is the single most important station in the quadrant!

Pooh: Not counting the 23 stations lining the NoNo zone with the Heffalumps, I'd guess?

Rabbit: Oh, to heck with the Heffalumps, Pooh! This is WAR!

Pooh: Are you under attack, Mr??

Rabbit: Nilz Hare, Undersecretary in Charge of Agriculture for the Federated Woods Effort to Relieve the Settlers of Sherman's Planet and Put One In The Eye of the Klinggers! Heck YES I'm under attack.

Pooh: It's just that our far-seer's don't detect any general nastyness on anyone's part.

Rabbit: Well, it's not an actual attack, per se, but we're in real danger.

Pooh: From what?

Rabbit: I'm responsible for eleventy thousand barrels of quatrotrintiwheatabix!

Pooh: Christopher Robin, is there anything in that big word I really need to know?

Robin: Not really, Pooh.

Rabbit: You have to help me protect the quatrotrintiwheatabix, Pooh. It's vital to our efforts to improve Sherman's Planet.

Pooh: Have you identified any threats to the big word stuff?

Rabbit: Not yet.

Pooh: So, you sent out a Priority Top Oh Help call for....for nothing?

Rabbit: Pooh! I've been authorized by the Federated Woods to use any and all means at my disposal to protect the quatrotrintiwheatabix from all menaces. Especially the Klinggers. And if I have to dragoon your ship into the express service of Wheat Security, I certainly will!

Pooh: Do you want to take over my command?

Rabbit: Of course not! I just expect you to follow the orders I give you concerning your command!

Pooh: Oh bother. I really like being shunted off to the side by those that are so sure they already know everything. Okay, I'll send over two garden gnomes. Put them next to the big word stuff and hang a sign: "Under Protection of Pooh. Stay away or I shall be very cross."

Rabbit: POOH! That's just NOT good enough!

Pooh: Oh, well, if you know better, you can change the wording on the sign. Well, I have to go, there's an internal matter that needs my direct supervision.

Rabbit: Pooh, you can't ... (View screen changes to an old B/W test pattern, with a high pitched humming)

Pooh: Roo, stop that.

Roo: (stops humming) Yes, captain.

Robin: What was the internal matter, Captain Pooh?

Pooh: Lunch.

Robin: You had lunch, silly old bear.

Pooh: Yes, and it was a good lunch. I think I should do it again. Do we have any of those Honey Mustard hot wings? Without the mustard? And without the wings?

Kanga: I'll have some sent to your stateroom, dear.

Pooh: Thanks, Kanga. And not so hot?

Kanga: Of course not, dear. Run along now.

(cut to Pooh's quarters. Pooh is humming happily to himself, spread eagle on the bunk in his stateroom, with an empty, but messy, honey jar and an empty, and sterile, bone plate on his table).

Eeyore's Voice: Cap'n.

Pooh: What is it, Eeyore?

Eeyore: Just thought you should know. Didn't wanna disturb you, but Kanga felt we should. Roo doesn't think we should-

Pooh: What is it, Eeyore.

Eeyore: Well, there's a Klingger Mayhemcruiser approaching the station. Oh, and that under secretary is calling you again. Should we fire phasers?

Pooh: Well, I don't know. We might hurt someone. And they'd only send out another undersecretary, eventually.

Eeyore: Yep. That's what I was thinkin.?

(Cut to the bridge: Pooh arrives, nods at Kanga. The screen image of Deep Woods Station K7 is replaced by the Supreme Klingger)

Tigger: Arrrrrrrrrrr, matey-boy! Who's up for a little swish-buckling good time?

Robin: Tigger, you silly. Take off that eye patch. You're a space alien, not a space pirate.

Tigger: Oh, sorry. (takes off eyepatch, puts on bumpy forehead) Grrrrrrrrrrowl! So, Pooh, we meet again. I demand-

Pooh: Would you like permission to use the recreational facilities of the Deep Woods Station K7?

Tigger: Um, yeah, I, I mean, The Klingger Empire will not tolerate-

Pooh: Okay by me. I hate being cooped up in spaceships, and yours are a lot smaller than ours. Have a good time.

Tigger: We will not allow the Federated Woods to deny our...um, what?

Pooh: Go ahead. But you have to promise only 20 men at a time on the station. I'll send 20 men and it'll be a good balance.

Tigger: Yeah, okay, that sounds reasona- Hey! You're caving into my demands before I demand them!

Pooh: You were going to demand that I be fair, right? And this is fair, right? See you on the station.

(at a signal to Kanga, the screen goes off on a rather nonplussed fuzzy tiger striped alien)

Robin: A good idea, Pooh, but why only 20 men?

Pooh: That's as high as I can count. Kanga, secure your station, round up 19 crewmen, and go to the station. Have a good time, but be quite visible doing it.

Kanga: Should I really secure the communications station, dear?

Pooh: Why not? When the undersecretary sees Klinggers on the station, we won't need a radio to hear him.

(Cut to a candystore on Deep Woods Station K7. Piglet and Roo are sharing hot cocoa at a table in the corner, Kanga is scanning the jars of candy behind the counter. A rather scruffy looking Owl sidles up to her.)

Owl: Looking for something new? Something different? Something you've never seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen?

Kanga: Oh, like what?

Owl: (pompously, I mean pompously even for OWL!) Like THIS my dear!

(Owl heaves display case onto the bar. Opens it. An eight-foot tall Woozel pops up from the case. Blood in his eyes, drool from his fangs, claws glinting in the light, he leans over Kanga)

Roo: EEEEEEK!

Piglet: E...Ee...eEe...I mean EEEEEEEEEEK!

(Kanga Leaps up, plants both feet in the woozel's gut, and punch-kicks it clear across the page, into the illustration later in the story. Lands, grabs Owl by the lapel feathers).

Kanga: What the FUN was THAT?

Owl: It'sinthescript! It'sinthescript! It'sinthescript!

Kanga: WHERE!!?!

Owl: Right there, scene direction, Owl shows Kanga a thrilling creature!

Kanga: That says TRILLING creature, you nearsighted idiot. (deep breaths) Oh, my. I wasn't quite ready for that. Let's take a break and try this again.

(later, same scene)Kanga: Oh, like what?

Owl: (pompously, I mean pompously even for OWL!) Like THIS my dear!

(Owl heaves display case onto the bar. Opens it, and out roll two dozen furry balls, with black and yellow stripes)

Creatures: Trill. Trill. Trilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.

Kanga: (after a small flinch away from the case) Oooooh. They're so cute. What are they?

Owl: They're a type of Moon Bee, a Tribble.

Kanga: What do they do?

Owl: They make honey. Lots of honey. And they make more Tribbles.

(while Kanga coos at the TRILLing creatures, a group of Klinggers enters, and start drinking root beer floats at the table behind Piglet and Roo)

Klingger: So, you saw how quickly that puff-pastry of a captain folded when he saw us!

Roo: Piglet! He's talking about Pooh!

Piglet: Now, Roo, y-y-y-you know the captain's not one to get upset being compared to a flaky treat. He'd just get h-h-h-hungry.

Klingger (louder): And did anyone else see him on the screen? Hard to believe they gave the flagship of their fleet to such a, little, short, rolly, polly, rouncey, bouncey officer.

Roo: Piglet! That's not nice!!

Piglet: Now, Roo, can't prevent a guy from having an opinion.

Klingger (EVEN louder): Then again, it kinda makes sense to put an officer like that in charge of a garbage scow like the Acreprise.

Piglet: Ex-ex-ex-scuse, m-m-m-me, gentlemen?

Klingger: Yes? (Leaning menacingly over Piglet's chair.)

Piglet: Well, I'm the the the the engineer on the Acreprise. D-d-d-do you maybe th-th-th-ink that you could re-re-re-rephra-rephar-prehase...say that differently..."

Klinger (leaning even MORE menacingly over Piglet): You're right, I meant that the Acreprise should be towed away AS garbage!

(At that, Piglet slides his cocoa across the table to Roo, winks at the junior officer, and stands up.)

Klingger: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-HOO! Woodfleet's gonna try to hit me!

(Piglet adopts a fighting stance (sort of) faces the Klingger, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. The Klinggers at the table turn to each other and wink, Roo covers his eyes in fear. Just then, when no one is looking, the woozel flies in, smashes into the Klingger, and sweeps him offstage. The traditional sounds of breaking and smashing backstage fade into the distance, along with snarling and screeching. Then silence resumes.)

Piglet: (blinking at the empty spot where the Klingger was) Well. We-we-we-we-welly, well well. (turns to other Klinggers) And don't let it happen again!

(The Klinggers down their drinks and bounce out of the bar)

Roo: Piglet! That was AAAAAAAAAAAAAwesome!

Piglet: (sitting back down) All's well that ends well, I always say. I think I need a dark chocolate hot chocolate, please. Make it a double.

(bridge ... Pooh saunters in, noticing Tribbles right and left. Christopher Robin sits at his console stacking them into pyramids.)

Pooh: Kanga?

Kanga: Yes, dear?

Pooh: Did I order any redecorating?

Kanga: No, Pooh, these are Tribbles.

Pooh: Did I order any Tribbles?

Kanga: No, sir, they're a kind of pet. They seem to really like it here.

Pooh: Well, that's understandable. I like it here, too.

Robin: Pooh, that silly old rabbit wants to talk to you some more.

Pooh: Oh, very well, put him on the scream. I mean screen.

Rabbit: Pooh, you can't ignore your responsibilities this way!

Pooh: What way would that be?

Rabbit: As if you don't know!

Pooh: Yes, it's EXACTLY as if I don't know. I don't even know what I don't know.

Rabbit: It's your crew! They're beating up on Klinggers!

Pooh: Um....um, isn't....isn't that exactly what you WANTED them to do?

Rabbit: I can't have Woodfleet starting an intersteller incident under my nose! Think of the scandal!!

(cut to a passageway, Pooh has Roo, Piglet and a few assorted plush crewmen lined up.)

Pooh: I suppose, hum de hum de hum, I suppose I need to find out who beat up the Klingger.

Piglet: It was me, sir.

Pooh: No, Piglet, I was asking about the fight someone had with a Klingger.

Piglet: It was me, sir.

Pooh: Really? I didn't know there were Klinggers that small.

Roo: (jumping up) No, sir! He was THIS-

Roo: (jumping up again, reaching) He was THIS-

Roo: (jumping up again, reaching) He was THIS-

Roo: (jumping up again, reaching) He was THIS-

Roo: (jumping up again, reaching) He was THIS-

(Pooh catches Roo in mid-air and holds him up. Roo holds his hand about two feet above where the Klingger's head would be)

Roo: He was THIS tall!

Pooh: Oh, my. So you beat him up, Piglet?

Piglet: Well, sir, i-i-i-i-i-if you don't mind my saying so, he-he-he-he really deserved it.

Roo: He called you a puff-pastry, Captain?

Pooh: You ordered me a puff pastry, Piglet? Well, thank you.

Piglet: No, sir. The Klingger insulted you by calling you that.

Pooh: Oh. No pastry?

Piglet: No, sir.

Pooh: Bother.

Roo: Then he called you a little, short, rolly, polly, rouncey, bouncey officer!

Pooh: But nothing about any pastry?

Piglet: No, sir.

Roo: Then he called the Acreprise a GARBAGE SCOW!

Pooh: Were you writing this down? You don't usually get this kind of detail about insults.

Roo: Then he said the Acreprise should be towed away AS garbage!

Pooh: Oh. So that's when my engineer hit him?

Piglet: I, uh, I think so, sir.

Pooh: Well, Piglet. You against an Klingger. I'm proud of you. I think this has worked up an appetite for lunch for everyone.

Roo: Yes, SIR!

(they walk off)

(cut to the candy store on Deepwoods K7. Pooh walks in, with Roo right behind him. He scans left and right, and spies Owl trying to interest the candy salesman in something shiny)

Pooh: Hello!

Owl: Yeeeees? Can I help you?

Pooh: I hope so. I just learned that these tribbles you're selling are supposed to be making honey. I've been watching them and watching them and there just hasn't been one drop of honey.

Owl: Well, they only make honey in their hive.

Pooh: Where's their hive?

Owl: Well, they have to make one.

Pooh: Okay. Where?

Owl: Well, it needs to be someplace they feel secure, minimal lighting, lots of food, no people walking by bothering them all the time?

Pooh: Lot's of food, huh?

Owl: Why, yes. Loads of it, if they're going to make any honey.

Pooh: Any particular KIND of food?

Owl: Oh, any sort of vegetable-based product will do. Nothing particular.

Pooh: Oh. Nothing particular?

Owl: No. Well, I should say, really, that for the best tasting honey, and for the most productive sort of hive, one should have a large quantity of ?

Pooh: You're going to say that Big Word stuff, aren't you? And get the Undersecretary all excited again, aren't you?

Owl: Oh, no, nothing an important man like the Undersecretary would be concerned with.

Pooh: Whew!

Owl: It's just that tribbles really really really really really really like their quatrotrintiwheatabix.

Roo: D'OH!

Pooh: Roo, I told you to stop watching THAT cartoon.

Roo: Yes, sir, sorry, sir.

Pooh: Well, let's plod along with thematic certainty to the confrontation with the antagonist of this piece.

Roo: You're gonna beat up a Klingger? Pooh: No, I said antagonist, not the enemy.

(cut to a passageway on the starbase. Two garden gnomes stand sentry in front of a large door. The sign on the door reads "Bulk Storage Bay: Currently Empty so STAY AWAY or Captain Pooh will blast you to smithereens." Pull back to see Pooh reading the sign.)

Pooh: I really don't think I would...not for someone sneaking into an empty storage bay.

Rabbit: It's not empty, Pooh, it's full of quatrotrintiwheatabix!

Roo: Wanna bet?

Rabbit: What are you talking about?

Pooh: Well, about that? We think there's a distinct threat that some cute and furry critters have invaded the grain storage lockers, possibly through the air vents that run through every advanced form of space habitat no matter the air reproduction technology available. And, well, they might have eaten it.

Rabbit: The air vents?

Pooh: No, the quattytantrumwheatbakes stuff.

(Roo begins opening the Storage Bay)

Rabbit: What? You are going down, Pooh! You let the single most important station in the quadrant be overrun by

(Roo finishes opening the storage bay, tribbles bounce out and across the passage. The gnomes are quickly burried under the furry flood. When it's over, Pooh is swamped up to his armpits, Rabbit is pressed against a wall and Roo swings from a handy light fixture in the overhead.)

Rabbit: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Pooh: Yes, such a shame. Now, lets find the honey they've been making! Yum, yum. (starts swimming upstream through the furry flood. Roo bounces down and disappears into the bay)

Roo: Pooh? I don't see any honey in here.

Pooh: (picks up a tribble, sniffs) I don't smell any honey on this one. In fact, I don't think he's well.

Roo: Pooh! All the tribbles are dead!

Pooh: (turns to Rabbit) SO, undersecretary! The hydrotreaclehoneybucks you escorted here was POISONED!

Rabbit: You don't know that!

Robin (Pops out of the storage bay): Captain Silly Old Bear! I just did a chemical analysys of the quatrotrintiwheatabix, purely by coincidence, and find that it's chock full of a deadly toxin.

Rabbit: Okay, NOW you know that.

Roo: But who could have done such a thing?

Pooh: Well, it'd be too easy to blame it on the Undersecretary. He's been a right pain all episode. We'll blame it on his aide.

Rabbit: I don't HAVE an aide! We never introduced a secondary character for the purpose of fixing blame without sullying the

reputation of the greater government we all represent.

Pooh: Not a problem. Rewrite!

(cut to bridge, viewscreen, scene from early in the episode)

Pooh: Are you under attack, Mr??

Rabbit: Nilz Hare, Undersecretary in Charge of Agriculture for the Federated Woods Effort to Relieve the Settlers of Sherman's Planet and Put One In The Eye of the Klinggers! And this is my aide, Darvin! Heck YES I'm under attack.

(cut to bulk storage at end of episode)

Roo: But who could have done such a thing?

Pooh: It can only have been Rabbit's aide, Darvin! Take him away, and book him for obstruction of...well, of murder of...of attempted wheaticide! (kicks a few dead tribbles at his feet) And littering.

Rabbit: Well, Pooh, you seem to have saved Project Relieve the Settlers of Sherman's Planet and Put One In The Eye of the

Klinggers! I'll get on Ebay and order another eleventy thousand barrels of quatrotrintiwheatabix.

Pooh: Well, one thing bothers me, Roo. If the wheat was poisoned, how did they ever manage to eat all of it before they died?

Roo: Oh, they didn't eat ALL of it, sir.

(cut to inside the storage bin, where Eeyore stands knee high in quatrotrintiwheatabix leftovers, nosing the odd tribble to the side and munching away.)

Pooh: No, Eeyore! Don't eat that stuff! It's POISONED!

Eeyore: Hmm. Figures.

And the credits roll over before the little gray donkey does
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.Winnie the Pooh's Star Trek