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.Things Chief Skippy can't do on the Enterprise	By : keithcompany Category: Star Trek > The Next Generation Views: 4300 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: The Next Generation, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Things Chief Skippy can't do on the Enterprise
- 2-Review responses.
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Disclaimer: Star Trek, the Federation, the various races are all property of Paramount. This exploration of adult situations with Trek characters is only for entertainment.
The author is not making any kind of profit from this fanfic.
This work is my own. Do not repost this story beyond the limits of the Fair Use standards of Copyright Law (quotes, examples, ‘you gotta read this’ excerpts, the usual). This list was inspired by the list 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army (http://www.skippyslist.com) which has appeared in various places and been sent to me in more than one E-mail. I made this stuff up, or had help.theme.
I hope you enjoy this list, and the original.
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Things Chief Skippy has learned while serving on the USS Enterprise, or is no longer allowed to do on the Enterprise.
Chief Schwartz ('Skippy' to friends and enemies alike), has spent an extended tour of duty on The Enterprise. During that time, he has been directly involved in a number of exercises which have led to command level attention. He has recorded the results of these exercises and lists them in the hopes that others can learn from his experiences. The list is almost entirely composed of The Word he was given as a final response to an action or event he was involved with.
1. All warfare is indeed based on deception. This does not mean we wear disguises on watch.
2. Altering Away Teams outer appearance to match the local populace is not part of the Interstellar Witness Protection Program.
3. An order to iron my uniform does not involve armor plating.
4. An order to troubleshoot the navigation computer does not involve a phaser.
5. As a matter of fact, the Pope is Catholic, why do you ask?
6. A reference to the personal habits of wild ursines is not actually an answer to the question asked.
7. Black helicopters are NOT hovering over the saucer section.
8. Climbing into the Jeffreys Tube is not a symbollically phallic act.
9. Come down off that console.
10. Counseling sessions do not qualify as 'assault with intent.'
11. Cybernetic implants have not 'sucked my soul' from my body.
12. Data was not purchased from Jawas and is not on a secret mission to defeat the Evil Empire.
13. Don’t take batteries out of the androids (especially if they outrank me).
14. During a battle, it is wrong to refer to reports from Damage Control Central as 'more whining from the pessimists.'
15. During wargames, I am to shoot the enemy, not claim that the Prime Directive prevents me from interferring with his right to free will.
16. Elvis is not on board, and he had better stop making log entries.
17. Engineering teams sent to other ships to assist with repairs will not be referred to as 'prize crews.'
18. From now on, the use of Bagpipes in populated areas requires written permission from the Captain.
19. Guinan has not hid a dart board in Ten Forward, and I should stop slinging darts at random and asking for my score.
20. Helm commands are military orders and the Officer of the Deck would not 'like fries with that.'
21. I am a citizen of The Federation, of Earth and of Milwaukee. I am not the great and powerful Oz, nor am I the inconsequential man in the corner.
22. I am not allowed to convince personnel from Beta III that the text in the computer dialogue boxes is 'the will of Landru.'
23. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
24. I am not qualified to diagnose psychological problems with a medical tricorder, and 'shallow gene pool' is not a diagnosis anyway.
25. ...and 'too stupid to live' is not to be used in a prescription for treatement.
26. I cannot give briefings with senior staff as if it were 'show and tell.'
27. I cannot mind meld with the sonic shower.
28. I cannot spike the phaser after a successful shot.
29. I do not have a 'bottom secret' clearance.
30. I do not have a 'pizza delivery job' that requires use of a shuttlecraft during 'the wee hours.'
31. I do not have a pacemaker, and use of a replicator does not ‘futz’ with it.
32. I do not have an evil twin.
33. I may not forward requests for cover fire to Starfleet Command, 4000 light years away.
34. I may not point out command decision flaws after we have beamed down to the surface.
35. I must stop commenting on how we all wore the same thing today.
36. I must stop sending cadets outside to clean the observation windows.
37. …especially when we’re just about to leave orbit.
38. I must stop testing the Counselor to see if she realizes how I ‘feel’ about her.
39. I must stop wiping off all fingerprints after using a phaser and asking officers to alibi me.
40. I must stop writing down officer’s final words during casual conversation.
41. I should stop screaming about ‘the power of grayskull’ and take cover from the disruptor fire
42. I should stop trying to seduce the synthetic voice of the computer system.
43. I was not seduced by the queen of Pormax IV, and the scars from that mission are not love tattoos
44. If no one cares that I do that, they wouldn’t have made it illegal to do that.
45. If I receive two contradictory orders, obeying them both is easier than arguing with an officer.
46. If it doesn't bounce, writing 'rubber' on it with a stylus will not make it bounce.
47. If you’re going to write your name on the mixing chamber wall with antimatter, have the brains to write someone else’s name.
48. In space, I am not the only one that can hear you scream.
49. ‘It followed me home’ is never a reason to bring a Klingon Targ to the captain’s ready room.
50. ‘It’s Green’ is not a complete chemical analysis during an Away Mission, no matter how good my Scottish accent is.
51. It is against protocol to refer to any officer I’m addressing as ‘worm’ and with the exception of Lt. Sivvstol it is technically incorrect as well.
52. It is not called deep space because it’s more philosophical out here.
53. It is not motivational to talk about shipmates that died in situations ‘just like this.’
54. It is possible to consume too much coffee before watch.
55. It is so my fault.
56. It is wrong to explore just to find a planet where they have not yet heard my jokes.
57. It is wrong to hang department heads in effigy.
58. …but it beats the alternative.
59. It is wrong to spend time on an away mission speculating on every single thing that could go wrong with the transporter, and ‘how do you think THAT would feel?’
60. It is wrong to tell the ambassadors from a culture with widespread cloning about your multiple-twin orgy fantasy.
61. It is wrong to willfully exacerbate the fears of my superiors.
62. It turns out that they put that step in the procedure for a reason.
63. It would not have worked if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
64. It’s ‘Security.’ Not ‘The Watch.’ And astronavigation is not part of the Pilot’s Guild.
65. It’s a ‘sensor sweep,’ not ‘googling the troposphere’ whatever that means.
66. It’s been 400 years. The South will not rise again. Do not display the Stars and Bars when Admiral Grant comes aboard.
67. It’s not ‘humanitarian aid’ to set the phasers to ‘kill them before they even feel it.’
68. It’s not a ‘pep talk’ to tell the landing party that usually, explorers in this situation receive medals… posthumously.
69. Junior members of Away Teams are not entitled to a last meal before beaming down.
70. Just tell the captain what the sensors say, that information is NOT available on your damned website.
71. ‘Killer Flatulence’ is not a phaser setting. Is it?
72. Klingon Hot Dogs are for Klingons Only. Repeat after him, ONLY!
73. LCARS navigational commands are entered through an interactive interface that controls ship’s movement. It is not a story problem, and the XO does not need to ‘check my work.’
74. Maniacal laughter is not ‘perfect stress relief’ during negotiations with the Romulans.
75. Mistletoe does not belong on the bridge.
76. Must never call an Andorian Commando a 'Wanker'. The universal translator knows what a ‘wanker’ is.
77. Must not drive into astroids to ‘see them sparkle across the navigation screens.’
78. Must stop pointing out on every damned planet mission that ‘Hey, do you realize that WE are the aliens, here?’
79. My job description is not to ‘winnow out the weak.’
80. My Kobiashi Maru solution was not ‘elegant in design and graceful in execution.’ Enlisted don’t take the KM scenario.
81. Navigation commands do not use the phrase ‘follow that cab.’
82. Never ask a Vulcan scientist if their work is based on an original Packled idea.
83. Never tell a Vulcan that he or she needs to get laid.
84. No Away Team duties are to be performed ‘Skyclad'.
85. No dancing in the turbo lift. Especially when sharing the turbolift with senior personnel.
86. No longer allowed to answer rhetorical questions, even if there really is an answer.
87. No medical personnel have ever decided a patient was beyond help and turned the surgery into a sacrifice to The Dark One.
88. No medicine in sickbay has the side effect of turning someone gay so I should stop telling the crew that it happened. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay in this advanced day and age, of course.
89. No one cares how many men went into the bar, nor their professional positions within the hierarchy of their respective religious traditions.
90. No one has ever had their bust size changed by using the Transporter and I should stop attempting to take measurements ‘just in case.’
91. No part of the Prime Directive or its subordinate clauses says anything about ‘the lamentation of their women.’
92. No we do not need a moat. And… are those crocodiles?
93. No, breaking the Prime Directive does not threaten our 501(c)(3) Non-Profit status. We still shouldn’t do it, though
94. No, it does not come that way from Supply.
95. No, the Easter Island statues do NOT look like you.
96. Not to spend time on duty reviewing Time/Life’s ‘Mysteries of the Unknown’ publications, looking for proof you traveled in time.
97. No, you cannot keep it as a pet.
98. No, you may not transfer to the Amish Starship Program.
99. Not allowed to answer questions with "You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth!!!"
100. Not allowed to build ‘forts’ in the workplace.
101. Not allowed to carry a dictionary in case Worf forgets the meaning of ‘fear’ and must be reminded.
102. Not allowed to drop paint bombs from orbit to sign your name to a planetary terrain feature.
103. Not allowed to get silicone forehead implants and call myself a NeoKlingon.
104. Not allowed to initiate warp field crises so I can feel needed.
105. Not allowed to make creaky door sounds when searching abandoned science stations.
106. Not allowed to order an Illudium Q36 Space Modulator from supply.
107. Not allowed to point out how the specific value of a given warp speed seems to change between seasons.
108. Not allowed to put stickers on access panels that say ‘No User Serviceable Parts Within.’
109. Not allowed to put up traffic signs in ship’s corridors.
110. Not allowed to quote from any 20th century science fiction movie when introduced to alien ambassadors, even if they look EXACTLY like that thing in Alien 15 that ate the hero’s girlfriend.
111. Not allowed to refer to security guards as the Captain’s minions (evil minions, minions of evil, flying monkeys, etc).
112. Not allowed to refer to the Captain’s Ready Room as the Inner Sanctum.
113. Not allowed to report the return of an away party by indicating that the Executive Officer has finally been ‘brought to justice.’
114. Not allowed to roll furry cushions through the airlock while piping the ‘Tribble Ambassador’ aboard.
115. Not allowed to rollerblade in the access tubes.
116. Not allowed to spend an hour explaining just how one rollerblades in such cramped quarters.
117. Not allowed to stagger out of the transporter room shouting ‘He just DISAPPEARED! Right before my eyes!’
118. Not allowed to stumble in the wrong direction when the ship shakes from disruptor fire.
119. Not allowed to sublet the warp core.
120. Not allowed to tell the CO that ‘I can’t give you that information, Captain, I might compromise my source’ when he asks for a damage control report.
121. Not allowed to turn down the gravity on Deck 12 and claim we have evolved into flying humans.
122. Not allowed to use a First Mate Piggy action figure to initiate First Contact witn any races, in person or by video contact.
123. Not allowed to use my communicator for face-to-face conversations.
124. Not allowed to wear alligator shoes when meeting the Gorn delegates.
125. Not to refer all questions to ‘the nearest ornithologist.’
126. Not to sing sea shanties with words I can neither define nor spell.127. Obscene nicknames for the crew do not improve moral. Even when I have it on good authority that they are accurate obscene nicknames.
128. Officers outrank me because of experience, ability and drive, not because the ‘magic dartboard in San Francisco’ likes them more.
129. Official logs are not ‘works of fiction’ and resemblance to actual persons or events is mandatory.
130. Oh, stop screaming.
131. Phaser rifles do not have a ‘cup size’ and I need not assist female personnel in knowing the correct shoulder stock design for their weapon issue.
132. Phasers do not need a bayonet mount.
133. Prospective captains do not ‘HAVE’ to violate the Prime Directive in order to make rank.
134. It is enough to report that the ‘Bird Of Prey’ on sensors is Romulan or Klingon, not speculate on whether it’s African or European, nor estimate of how many coconuts it could carry.
135. Not allowed to cancel medical emergencies because it is, in my opinion, ‘only a flesh wound.’
136. We’re explorers at the limit of human experience, investigating and learning things that perhaps no one else has ever observed. We’re allowed to express a lack of specific knowledge without someone issuing a long, lingering scream while pantomiming a fall into the Pit of Eternal Peril.
137. Q will not customize your stateroom if you leave a saucer of cream under the bed.
138. Neither will the Subspace Fairies.
139. ‘Reversing the Polarity’ may be a solution for an engineering problem. Not for the Astrogation problem we’re working on, though.
140. Real Men certainly do use the ‘stun’ setting.
141. Religious tracts should not be handed out every time the XO takes the conn.
142. Reprogramming the computer to supply Mug Beetles when any sort of tea is requested is not going to win me any friends young man.
143. Scratch and Sniff Tricorder Displays: Bad Idea.
144. Ship Security does not include a ‘noogie patrol.’
145. Some life forms take the form of bright lights. This does not mean that flashlights are protected under the prime directive.
146. Speaking in Pig-Klingon will not confuse Romulan spies.
147. Starfleet was not formed ‘to go looking for those little, gray, kidnapping, butt-probe aliens in order to return the favor.’
148. Stop adding the notation ‘forbidden zone’ to the maps at random.
149. Stop chanting ‘Vulcans are the enemy.’
150. Stop dropping Yiddish expressions into conversations. You know how the Universal Translator gets all farblondzhet about Yiddish.
151. Stop shouting ‘containment breach’ when someone farts.
152. Stop tailgating. Collisions at these speeds are not ‘dramatic fun.’
153. Stop telling junior officers that passive sensors are like reading braille signs passing by at light speed.
154. The ‘Chipmunk Song’ is to be used in moderation.
155. The 12 General Orders for a Sentry do not include the phrase ‘in a blaze of glory.’
156. ...nor does any article of the Standardized Procedures For Orbital Insertion of a Populated Planet Agreement.
157. The 3rd General Order for sentries posted planetside is NOT ‘To monitor all activity within sight or hearing and report any instance of, or action that may lead to creating, or contributing to an incidence of fear, fire, famine, flooding, fornication, faggotry or The Plague.’
158. The Bible does not contain a ‘book of Disney’ and I should stop asking the Deltan chaplain to help me understand the verses in context.
159. The caber toss may well be something from my ethnic heritage, but care should be taken in the throwing of telephone poles in public spaces.
160. The captain’s Romulan Disguise did not make him look like a South Beach dance number extra.
161. I should not explain the term ‘South Beach’ if an explanation is not requested.
162. The CO is not an evil overlord. I should not interrupt his orders to tell him which of the 353 Rules For Evil Overlords would be violated by that order.
163. The Enterprise does not get ‘3 points on her license’ every time we break the Light Speed Limit.
164. The fifth amendment does not cover answering questions about the status of your project.
165. The force is not strong in this one.
166. The four-function calculator my great-grandfather left me is NOT Lt. Cdr. Data’s stunt double.
167. The hokey pokey is not what it is all about, and I should stop telling the Centauri Ambassador that it is.
168. The Inspector General has not authorized me to enter any and all spaces without let or hindrance as a means of stamping out heresy.
169. The intercom is a poor place to conduct internal dialogues.
170. The marching anthem of The Starfleet Academy is not improved by belching any or all of it.
171. The outbreak of Stigmata is not an accepted excuse for not showing up for work. You may stop by the chaplain's office on the way in, though.
172. The proper response to anything an alien envoy says is not 'That's what you think'.
173. The rules against unionizing here also apply to forming a Guild Hall.
174. The Seven Wonders of Ancient Earth are not for sale to any galactic person or group, even if they offer to pay for shipping.
175. The Ship’s Librarian really is human. He is not ‘passing’ as one, and I have to stop congratulating him on doing so.
176. The success of an away mission is not calculated by the number of ‘redshirts’ that survive the effort.
177. The traditional Tarot deck does not included a card depicting the Jittery Cadet.
178. The voices in my head are not ‘in a position to know.’
179. The word of the day is not ‘decloaking’ and we do not all shout and scream like low grade morons when someone uses the word.
180. There are a number of ways to answer ‘What does this button do?’ Pushing it is not in the top ten desired ones.
181. There are no prevailing trade winds affecting the approach to Deep Space Nine.
182. There are no secret command routines to turn five shuttlecraft into a giant space battle robot.
183. There are no snipers in Starfleet, and I cannot get a medal for shooting a penal colony’s only shower unit from orbit.
184. There are no Tellarite Rednecks, and no need to see inform them ‘you might be a redneck if…’
185. There is no ‘I’ in ‘Team.’ The fact that ‘eat me, mate’ can be found in ‘team’ seems to have little positive bearing on pre-mission pep talks.
186. This is not virtual reality, and I cannot spend an hour in the conference room looking for the reset button.
187. Traditionally, shortcuts do not involve travel through time with a stop at a Roman orgy.
188. Turn off the propeller on your hat.
189. Turning the bridge toilet room into a flush activated escape pod, while popular with Gamma shift, is wrong.
190. Upon First Contact with the next culture that has virgin priestesses, I must return to the ship and restrict myself to my stateroom.
191. …without any of the priestesses.
192. We cannot set the phasers for ‘deep fat fry.’
193. We do not batten the hatches for ion storms.
194. We do not explore deep space looking for the one place where the stars spell out a perfect astrology horoscope for each of us.
195. We do not open transmissions by asking ‘Whassup?’
196. We do not end transmissions by saying ‘Nuff said.’
197. We do not sing ‘Daisy’ every time we reboot the ship’s central computer.
198. We do not strengthen diplomatic bonds with the Ferengi by selling advertising space on the Warp Nacelles.
199. Well, he’s not eating a ham sandwich….I would know.
200. When a superior officer is beset by multiple opponents, I will render all possible aid. I will never again stand by telling the security team ‘He needs to prove himself against the Mugato… and his own fears.’
201. When hosting alien diplomats, Starfleet is not ‘watching every single thing you do, maggot.’
202. When I drag someone into the CO’s ready room and announce I’ve caught a spy on board, it had better not turn out to be the Ship’s Intelligence Officer under that hood.
203. When in charge of a working party, I am not to refer to my assistant(s) as Igor, and they will not fetch body parts.
204. When parking on a planet, not to install ‘the Clamp’ on the shuttle’s warp nacelles.
205. When superior life forms put Humanity on Trial, and select me as representing my entire race, NOT allowed to inquire about becoming a witness for the prosecution.
206. When supporting Federation diplomats, Starfleet is not here to ‘back their play at the drop of a hat.’
207. When the captain and the engineer agree to use 120% of the available power during crisis response, it is not the time to start lecturing about basic math skills.
208. When the captain asks for ship’s speed, I should give the current speed, not an average for ship performance over the last year.
209. When the senior bridge officer quotes Shakespeare to an alien, it is not a good time to discuss the possibility Mallory really wrote the plays.
210. When they say "over my dead body" I should assume it's hyperbole until proven to be literal, not the other way around.
211. When they’ve had it ‘to here’ with me, the exact level of ‘to here’ is not an important part of the discussion.
212. Nor is it a ‘good sign’ that their ‘to here’ seems to be inches lower than my last CO’s.
213. While the Navigation Console is, indeed, way better than my old Playstation Two Thousand, I am not ‘racking up a hell of a score’ on it.
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.Things Chief Skippy can't do on the Enterprise