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A Glimpse of Healing	By : cr8zymommy Category: 1 through F > Criminal Minds Views: 2359 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or it's characters, nor am I making money from this

Chapter List
- 1-A Glimpse of Healing
- 1
Six months had gone by since Spencer Reid had faced his demons in the basement of that dingy house. Six months since he had been brutally beaten, stabbed, and hospitalized. In those six months, his life had changed in a million different ways. Some were good, some not so great, but they all brought him forward. They all were a part of him and a part of his life. And his life was not something he would want to change. Sitting in a lawn chair, Spencer stared up at the evening sky and thought how far he’d come since then.
It had taken a month for the doctor to release him from the hospital. His body had been healing before that final attack but it hadn’t been as strong as it could be and so the damage inflicted and the surgery he’d underwent had taken longer to recover from than the average person. His time there hadn’t been idle, though. Not at all. Within two days he’d started his first speech therapy session. That had been at his insistence; the doctor had wanted to wait. But Spencer had wanted not only something to do so that he wasn’t just lying in bed all day, but he’d wanted to start to improve his speech. The stuttering and the inability to say words at times were beyond frustrating for a man who had always relied on his words.
Within four days, the first psychologist had come to see him. The first psychologist the hospital sent down was male. He’d barely made it into the room—almost instantly triggering a mild panic attack in Spencer—before Morgan had stood up and ordered him out. Then, leaving Garcia to stay with Spencer, he’d raised hell. What had they been thinking to send a male to talk to Spencer when his biggest problems were with men? Luckily for Morgan, who had been close to shouting in that hallway, Aaron had come to visit at the time and he’d stepped in to help.
Aaron knew some people and made some calls, finding a psychologist that was local that came with high recommendations. It was a woman, which was Morgan’s biggest requirement, and she had experience with kidnapping victims. Though she told Aaron on the phone that she’d never dealt with someone who had been held captive as long as Spencer had, she was willing to try. And that was how Spencer started his therapy with Dr. Rae Callahan.
He remembered his first impression of her. She had been nothing like he had thought she’d be.
*flashback*
Spencer was nervous when she came in. If it wasn’t for the ache in his body, he would have curled up on Morgan. As it was, he gripped Morgan’s hand tightly, staring at the woman who was smiling at him from the doorway. She was tall for a woman, looking to be around six feet tall. On the slender side, with just enough curve in all the right places. Her hair was dark, braided down to the middle of her back, and her green eyes were smiling behind glasses. The clothes she wore didn’t make him think of a typical psychologist. There was no business suit or dress clothes. She wore comfortable sneakers, blue jeans, a plain blue t-shirt and a long dark brown trench coat.
Instead of walking right to him, she leaned casually against the door and smiled over at him. “I take it I found the right room. Dr. Spencer Reid?”
Spencer bit his lip, wondering about this woman. She wasn’t what he’d been expecting. He looked over to Morgan, wanting reassurance that this was still ok, that things were all right. When he got a small nod from Morgan, he turned to look at her. “Y-Yes.”
“My name is Dr. Rae Callahan. I was sent to see you by Aaron Hotchner.” Her smile was bright and friendly, matching her eyes. It was the eyes he watched; they would tell him what he needed to know. They would tell him the truthfulness of her words. “He told me he’d warn you that I was coming. Do you mind if I come in and talk to you for a little bit?”
“Ok-k-kay.”
She strolled casually into the room, taking the chair at his bedside. It was far enough back that he didn’t feel crowded, but close enough for her to visit. She took a seat, crossing one leg over the other and folding her hands in her lap. The smile never left her face. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Reid. Or would you prefer me to call you by something else?”
Spencer looked from her to Morgan and back again. His grip on Morgan’s hand never lessened. He didn’t know this woman and strangers were something to be careful around. He tried to remind himself that this was what he wanted to do. He wanted to heal and healing meant talking to a professional. You’re not alone, either. Morgan’s right here with you. He’s right here, holding your hand, and he won’t leave you. You’re safe. You’re safe. “Y-Y-You c-can….c-c-call me R-R-R…” The last word wouldn’t come out. Spencer’s grip on Morgan’s hand tightened and he closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. He hated the stutter he’d developed. It was hard for him to try and say something and have his mouth stumble so hard over what was trying to come out.
“Would you like me to call you Reid? I gathered from Agent Hotchner that your team all calls you that.” She supplied easily, acting as if his stutter was nothing out of the ordinary. When Spencer nodded at her, she nodded back. “Well, Reid, then I’ll say again that it’s a pleasure to meet you. Agent Hotchner gave me a basic rundown on your situation as well as allowing me access to your medical files. I would have been here yesterday but I wanted to take the time to review your medical state before we talked so that I’d be a little prepared. I haven’t read your psychological file yet. I prefer to let myself get a feel for my patients on the first visit before I cloud my judgment with anything I read.”
That was an interesting approach. He found himself studying her, both as the profiler he’d been trained to be and as the victim who had learned to gauge the people around him. There was something about her that made him feel just a tiny bit more at ease. Whether it was her relaxed, casual posture and appearance, or the straightforward way she spoke to him, or the fact that her eyes showed nothing but kindness, he wasn’t sure. But he had a feeling he could like this woman.
She smiled suddenly. The action made her face appear even friendlier. “Profiling me, Reid?” There was a slight teasing note to her words that took any sting out of the question. It also prompted him to respond without even thinking about it. “S-S-Sort of-f-f.”
“Do I pass the initial test?”
Beside him, Spencer heard Morgan chuckle lightly. It was obvious the older man liked the woman already. That just eased Spencer even more. He thought he might like this woman and Morgan obviously already did, so she must be worth giving a chance to. “Y-Y-Yes.”
Rae’s smile turned to a grin. “Wonderful. I think you and I might get on wonderfully.”
*end flashback*
And she had been right. Spencer still saw Rae Callahan, though not near as often as he had at the beginning. At first he had seen her three times a week. After two months, she’d bumped it down to twice a week. After five, she had him on a once a week schedule. His early assessment of her had been spot on. She was a straightforward woman, something that he appreciated. There was nothing more frustrating than having someone who beat around the bush when they spoke to him. As a person, he hated it. As a profiler, he saw through those kinds of psychological tricks. Her blunt honesty was refreshing and much easier for him to deal with.
She was also extremely kind. There were times she pushed him, yes, even though it hurt him to do so. But she always did it with his best interests in mind. Other times she stepped back, allowing him the space necessary in their sessions for him to come to grips with what they were talking about. Her methods weren’t always standard, but she wasn’t afraid to say that something wasn’t working and to try something new. If it weren’t for her, Spencer honestly didn’t know where he would be right now. She was one of his biggest saviors.
Thinking of saviors drew Spencer’s thoughts over to the biggest savior of all. Morgan. There was no one in Spencer’s life he respected, trusted, and loved more than that man. From the first, he had been Spencer’s rock, both from his initial rescue and from the last one. Every day that Spencer had been in the hospital, Morgan had been there. At first he had slept in the chair by Spencer’s hospital bed, refusing to leave him unless Garcia was there to hold down the fort so that Morgan could go shower.
It had been Rae who had stepped in and defended Morgan when the hospital had finally tried to crack down on him staying there. She had not only stood up for them, but had submitted her official recommendation to the hospital board and pursued it until they had given in. By orders of Dr. Rae, Morgan was allowed to stay at the hospital from that point forward, sleeping in the bed with Spencer each night. She had said it would be detrimental to Spencer’s mental health to stay alone and she believed that, if left alone, he would simply try to leave on his own. Which he probably would have.
Once he’d been released, Morgan had taken Spencer home. Not to Spencer’s apartment, but to Morgan’s home. In Spencer’s mind, that had become home. There was nowhere else he wanted to be and no one else he wanted to be with.
True to his word, Morgan hadn’t pushed anything beyond him and Spencer telling one another that they loved each other. Anything further than that, he left fully up to Spencer. He didn’t change anything about how he acted, either. But now, now that the words had been spoken, Spencer saw the love behind every action. When Morgan held his hand, Spencer felt his love. When nightmares woke him up screaming in the middle of the night and Morgan would hold him close and calm him down, Spencer felt the love. It was that love that kept him holding on when he felt like he would break. It was that love that kept him from dropping down into the darkness that seemed to sit on his soul. How could he give in when something so pure, so wonderful, was surrounding him every single day?
The Bureau had allowed Morgan six months’ worth of personal leave. In that time, a temporary agent had been assigned to the BAU team. It had taken a bit of a fight on Morgan’s part to get the approval for that many months, but he had fought hard for it, as had the team. Each one of them had had his back, going to wall for him. Finally, the leave had been processed. Six months unpaid leave. After that Morgan either had to go back to work or resign from his job. And so he was at home with Spencer, where the both of them wanted him to be.
For the first three months, their relationship stayed the same as it always had. Spencer slept in the bed with Morgan and Clooney every night. They spent their days together, doing the at home therapy that both the doctor and Rae gave Spencer, or taking the dog outside, or just enjoying one another’s company. They dealt with the flashbacks. The good days, where Spencer got up, talked, socialized. Those days were the days that their friends usually came to see them. They also dealt with the bad days where Spencer could barely bring himself to get out of bed or to even care if he ever got up.
But after three months, Spencer, Morgan and even Rae decided that Spencer needed a change of scenery. So, the two men booked a flight and they traveled first to Vegas to visit Diana Reid. That had been an emotional visit for Spencer. The hardest part for him had been seeing that his mother noticed nothing different about him. She’d commented on his stutter, but he’d easily deflected her questions and she had settled down. Her schizophrenia had worsened and he was told that her good days were few and far between. She hadn’t even realized he’d been missing for two years! After seeing her, Spencer had spent two hours at the hotel crying in Morgan’s arms.
From there, the two had traveled to Chicago to spend time with Morgan’s family. That had been an interesting visit for Spencer. Not only being away from the safety of his home, but being around people he wasn’t normally around. It helped that it was only women; Fran, Desiree and Sara. They’d stayed there for a week, with Morgan showing Spencer around the area he grew up and letting him and his family get to know one another.
The Morgan family had easily accepted Spencer into their home and made him feel not only comfortable there, but welcome and loved. They hadn’t pressured him when he went quiet; they hadn’t said anything about his still going speech problems. When a sound from a movie set off a flashback right in their living room, they hadn’t criticized him, but simply let Morgan calm him down and then helped to keep him relaxed for the rest of the evening.
The visit had done him a lot of good. He’d talked to Rae almost every day, just to keep himself calm, but when he’d come home, he’d felt a little more like himself. A little more human. Rae had agreed that it had done him good. The biggest part of the trip had come at the end though—the largest step forward that he had taken since he’d first been rescued.
*flashback*
The sounds of the thunderstorm had been what had woken Spencer from his sleep. For a long moment he’d simply laid in bed, laid in the comforting circle of Morgan’s arms, staring at the rain coming down outside the window. He’d listened to the thunder and watched as the lightening lit the room with its bright light. He’d been amazed to find that the storm didn’t scare him as it once would have. He felt no fear at the sound of Mother Nature exploding in the night. If anything, he felt drawn by it.
Carefully he extracted himself from Morgan’s arms. On silent feet, he moved to the window, paying no mind to his lack of clothes. He brought one hand up to rest against the cold glass of the window. Vaguely he noted the small shiver that ran down him from the cold. The cold was something that affected him a little stronger than it had used to. Rae said it was physical. His body wasn’t as physically strong as it used to be in certain ways—such as regulating his temperature. Yet psychologically, he wasn’t as bothered by it. She said that came from spending so long cold and alone that his mind no longer sought to defend himself from the feeling. It was one of the many things she was trying to help him change. She said he needed to retrain his brain to protect himself from the elements.
But right now, the cold seemed a perfect sensation to go with the storm. His eyes were locked on the window, staring out at the rain, watching the lightening. It fascinated him. He couldn’t understand why he was unable to look away, or why the storm made such a feeling of peace inside of him, but he wasn’t going to overanalyze it. The sensation was too enjoyable.
The soft sound of Morgan shifting told him that his best friend was awake. When Morgan rose from the bed and moved to stand beside him, Spencer didn’t mind. He smiled a little. It seemed a little more perfect now, with Morgan by his side. The scene seemed complete. Morgan’s arm came gently around his waist and Spencer leaned into the embrace, leaving his hand on the window. Though other people touching him still bothered him, he had become even more comfortable with Morgan’s touch. It didn’t scare him—it made him feel safe.
How long they stood there, Spencer had no idea. But the two men stayed side by side, watching as the storm raged on and on. Listening to the soothing sound of the rain falling heavily. The only thing that would have made it even more perfect for Spencer would be to be standing out in the middle of it. To feel the rain sliding down his skin.
With a soft sigh, Spencer moved his other arm, slipping it around Morgan’s waist, copying the older man’s pose. He tipped his head to rest against Morgan’s shoulder.
As the storm started to fade, Spencer couldn’t help smiling at the night sky. The night seemed almost ethereal, a fantasy world. There was no pain here in this moment; no violence or death. No torture and pain. There was no past, no present, only the moment. Only he and Morgan—Derek—standing together. Skin touching skin. Warmth feeding warmth. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to turn his head and press his lips against Derek’s for the first time. The kiss was soft and sweet. It was exactly right. And there was no fear in Spencer’s stomach at the gesture. There was no disgust, as he had always felt when Vincent had kissed him. There was nothing but warmth and love—amazing, beautiful, love.
When they pulled apart, the both of them were smiling. They spoke not a word as they moved back to the bed or as they climbed under the covers, assuming their customary sleeping position, Morgan on his side with Spencer curled against his front. Big spoon and little spoon. The warm arm around his waist was a comforting weight, not a restriction. In the dark of the room, Spencer closed his eyes and smiled. “I love you.” He said without a stutter. The last thing he heard before he fell asleep was Morgan’s whispered “I love you too, Spencer.”
*end flashback*
It was one of the most beautiful memories Spencer held. When a panic attack hit, or his fear tried to overwhelm him, or on the days he felt so sad or so angry, he could draw that memory to the front of his mind, the peaceful feeling that had been there, that feeling of absolute perfection. It was their first kiss, but it wasn’t their last.
Morgan had been good about letting Spencer initiate things between them. The kisses they shared were started by Spencer, at least for the next month. Then Spencer had shyly told Morgan “You d-d-don’t have t-to wait f-f-for me. You c-c-can k-kiss me when y-you want t-to.” He had spoken slowly to try to minimize his stutter—which was getting better with time—but as always, nerves made the stutter worse. That was his only downfall in speech. He was gaining control over the stuttering and sticking of his words, but nerves or strong emotions could bring it back. He had to keep in mind to talk slowly and carefully. To enunciate his words.
From that point on, Morgan had started to initiate their contact. Once or twice it had startled Spencer, but it had never actively scared him. He and Rae had spoken about intimacy plenty of times. It was going to be a slow going process for Spencer to ever reach a point to be fully intimate with someone, if he ever could. But Morgan never pressured him. Morgan never made him feel like he had to. The one time Spencer had brought it up, Morgan had smiled and kissed him and told him “If all I ever get to do is hold you and kiss you, I’ll be the happiest man alive. Just having you here with me is enough, Spencer. Don’t stress the rest. If it happens, it happens. If not, I’m not going to be upset with you.”
A soft sound from inside the house drew Spencer from his thoughts. He turned his head enough to look through the glass doors. He wore a small smile when he saw Morgan pacing while talking on the phone. His face was lit up with whatever story he was telling and his free hand was moving. He could never really tell a story he was into without gestures.
Spencer shifted his gaze back to the night sky. Months ago, he wouldn’t have been able to handle being back here by himself. He wouldn’t have been able to handle having Morgan out of his sight. But he had come so far since then. Things had changed. He shifted on his lawn chair and gave a little sigh. It seemed almost strange to think of how many things had happened in these past six months. Could so much really be packed into such a short span of time? There were days it seemed like the horror had happened so long ago; days where he could push it to the back of his mind. Yet other days it seemed like it had all happened yesterday.
He wasn’t the same person he had been six months ago. He wasn’t the same person he had been three years ago, either. He never would be. But who he was now, well, he was getting better. The fear wasn’t as strong as it had once been; the flashbacks and panic attacks were less and less. Instead of daily or weekly, they happened maybe once or twice a month. He and Morgan had learned quite a few of his triggers and were careful to watch out for them.
There were parts of him that were slowly returning to normal. He could sit and visit with his friends now, quite easily. In fact, he enjoyed their company quite a bit. When they talked, he found himself telling them the same useless facts and statistics as he once had. He would get flustered when they chuckled over it, or blush when they complimented him. Those traits were so typical of the person he had once been. He still drank copious amounts of coffee, much to Morgan’s amusement. He still went through books like they were water.
But there were changes as well. Things that were different about him that would probably stay with him for the rest of his life.
The physical changes were obvious. He was leaner than he had been, even with the weight he’d put on. No matter how much he ate—and he’d developed quite a hunger after being hungry for so long—he never gained too much weight. Another change was the scars, obviously. Those were very different from who he had been. They were constant reminders as well, showing what he had lived through. To his surprise, the scars didn’t bother him. They were just a part of him. Seeing them, feeling them, didn’t bother him. He’d had time to get used to all of them. The stutter was another obvious physical change. Despite how far he’d come in his speech therapy, they had finally come to the conclusion that he could go no further in therapy. So long as he was careful and remembered what he was taught, he could minimize it, sometimes going whole sentences without it. But it would always be a part of him.
The psychological changes weren’t as obvious to people who didn’t know him well. The shields he’d used to put up weren’t always there anymore. He had finally broken the habit of taking a statement as an order. Now he knew he had the right to say no to something. For those he cared for, he rarely said no, answering them no matter what they asked. But to people he didn’t love, people who weren’t his ‘family’, he had finally learned to say no. Or to answer without really answering, a skill he had once possessed in abundance.
One thing that even Rae admitted might never change about him was Spencer’s lack of modesty. No matter what anyone said or did or how hard he tried to make it different, he just couldn’t bring himself to be modest anymore. Oh, he’d learned not to simply strut around naked. He didn’t expose himself to people as he had that long ago morning to Aaron and Garcia, but it was more for their sake than for his own. He just didn’t care. The worst that could happen to his body had already been done. His body had been turned into an object for someone else’s enjoyment. To him, it was pointless to be modest now. That modesty had already been ripped away, why fake it now? But he could understand his friends’ modesty and he could respect it. Still, around the house, Morgan didn’t care how Spencer dressed and it wasn’t uncommon for the man to wander in pajama pants, or boxers, or occasionally nothing at all. There were times that clothes still felt too restricting on him. That, too, was getting better.
All in all, he wasn’t perfect yet, but he was definitely healing. He was becoming human once more, both inside and out. It was a wonderful feeling.
The changes in his life and the newfound comfort he had in himself and his surroundings would be put to the test soon. Tomorrow, Morgan would go back to work. As much as the older man hated the idea of leaving Spencer, it was easy to see that he was eager to go back to work again. A small part of him actually felt a little—jealous. Lately he had been talking with Rae about potentially going back to work once more. She had told him that, if he kept progressing the way he was, he might be able to do just that in another three to six months. That thought thrilled him.
But for now, he would stay here while Morgan went to work. The first case he had to leave town on would be hard for the both of them. It would be the first time in six months that they would be apart overnight. On one hand, Spencer was terrified by the idea. On the other, he knew this was an important step in his recovery. He needed to be able to be on his own sometimes. To know that he was safe and he could protect himself, that he didn’t need someone protecting him at all times.
He would stay here at Morgan’s house. Our house his brain reminded him. That made him smile. It had been an easy decision to get rid of his apartment. Morgan had been the one to suggest it, a couple months after Spencer had come home from the hospital. The younger man had instantly agreed. He never wanted to live in that apartment ever again. The memories were too strong; the sense of violation always there. So he and his friends had gone and packed up what he wanted to keep and moved his things into Morgan’s house. What was left, Spencer donated to various places. Then he had closed his lease and left that place behind.
The apartment had held nothing for him anymore. But this house….this was home now. This was where his heart was. He wanted to live nowhere else. Here, with Morgan, he was home.
The sound of the sliding glass door drew Spencer’s eyes from the sky and his mind from its contemplation. He turned his head enough so that he could watch as Morgan came out onto the back porch. The older man bent, brushing his lips over Spencer’s, making the both of them smile. “Enjoying the night, pretty boy?”
“Mm. It’s peaceful o-out here.” Spencer admitted to him. With a smile he sat up and scooted forward. “Sit w-with me?”
Morgan didn’t hesitate to sit in the chair, a leg on either side. When Spencer lay back, Morgan wrapped his arms around him, cradling him against his chest. Yes, this was perfect. Spencer let his head rest back on Morgan’s shoulder and sighed in contentment. When Clooney came out, lying near their feet, the picture was complete.
No, things weren’t perfect yet. But as Spencer lay in the arms of the man he loved, his demons momentarily pushed away, he thought that things were pretty damn close.
- 1
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A Glimpse of Healing