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THE GOLDBERGS – CONTROL ANYONE – GET A HEAD.	By : Eddie_Davidson Category: -Misc TV Shows > General Views: 8371 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Goldbergs or have any association with the official TV production or content. I do not make any money from this. This is purely a work of fanfiction.

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Based on the Television Show “The Goldbergs”
I do not own the Goldbergs or have any association with the official TV production or content. I do not make any money from this. This is purely a work of fanfiction.
It was 1980-Something, and there was no better place to get miraculous products than the back of a comic book. I ordered X-Ray glasses that let you see a girl’s bras and panties. They didn't work and made me look like a giant pervert. I ordered Sea Monkeys that were to build a timeless civilization in my image and worship me as their Oceanic God. They looked like tiny shrimp and died in a day and a half. I ordered a 200 piece set of WWII Soldiers to recreate D-day accurately complete with pillboxes and landing craft, and it was some cheap plastic. I ordered Charles Atlas's Chump to Champ kit that would make me a man in 15 minutes a day, and I was still the boy destined to have sand kicked in his face if he ever set foot on a beach.

If you ever ordered any of it then you know it was all cheap crap that never worked.
That never prevented me from believing that the next time, I would get something miraculous and amazing. My best friend Dave Kim, and I shared a Penthouse magazine. It was the June 1982 edition. I'd memorized every sticky page and even read all the articles! The cover featured a hot brunette with doe-eyes wearing no pants with leg-warmers bent over a chair. She looked a lot like my sister Erica, but I must have spanked the monkey a hundred times to that image of a girl in a smoky room bent over so that her ass and pussy were fully exposed staring longingly at me on the cover of that girly magazine. I wanted a girl to look at me like that in real life more than/almost as much as I wanted another Star Wars Christmas Special.
In the back of that magazine was an ad promising to "Control Anyone -Get a Head." The image in the advertisement was a leisure suit-wearing sleaze-ball, talking a pretty girl into a blowjob. It was supposed to contain a combination of Mexican pheromones and special chemicals designed to be ingested. They were 100% guaranteed to be safe and effective. All you had to do was to be the first person that the person who took them saw. Any time they did what you said, the chemicals would send stimulating signals to their erogenous zone, and over time they would become your willing slave!
"I don't know, Adam. This sounds like malarkey," my best friend advised.
"Dave Kim, would a prestigious international magazine like Penthouse advertise a product that is malarkey? It has a 100% money-back guarantee! What could go wrong?"
The first dose was free! I only had to pay the $19.99 USD shipping and handling, and I would soon be able to control anyone through their hormones.
I didn't feel guilty at all about what I was ordering. It never dawned on me that the person I controlled might not appreciate being controlled. After all, the suggestion was going to stimulate their erogenous zones. If someone stimulated MY erogenous zone, I would have appreciated it.
I waited patiently for them to arrive by mail and made a list of girls at school I wanted to control. I'd also made a list of bullies at school that I wanted to have on my side now. The list of potential mind-slaves was way too long for the initial dose I received. Dave suggested I try a dry-run experiment with this batch, and if it worked, I could order more. He was skeptical but cautiously optimistic. He wanted this to work just as badly as I did.
I suggested I try it out on him, and that would be a good control test.
"Heck no, Adam Goldberg! Are you crazy like Swayze? What if it works and you order me to take my pants off and hoist my underwear up the flagpole!" he said.
"No problem, I'd just mind control your parents and the principal, and they would overlook a little indiscretion," I joked.
Neither Dave nor I wanted to be test subjects for my science experiment. The big problem with this plan in general was that we didn’t plan it out at all. I saw an ad for a mind control drug and I immediately ordered it. I didn’t question why this well-kept secret drug that could turn a congressman or a CEO into your personal plaything was being advertised in the back of a Penthouse Magazine.
I was still a Freshman in High School and I was ONLY thinking about making cute girls show me their tits!
We had accomplished step one by ordering the pills but how would we get girls to actually ingest them.
I couldn’t picture myself walking up to a cute girl at school who wouldn’t give me the time of day normally and asking her to swallow a pill. It was Dave Kim who suggested breaking it up into an herbal tea. I couldn’t think of any plausible way to make hot tea for girls at school either.
I put the box under my bed for a few weeks and forgot about it while I went on other madcap and zany misadventures. I was in my bed daydreaming about Dana Caldwell’s butt. She was a little taller than me and had a butt that just wouldn’t quit. I bet you could bounce a quarter on that thing! I imagined Dana bouncing quarters off of her ass when she was alone just because I would if I had an ass like that!
I reached under my bed for my Penthouse June 1982 issue so that I could jerk off and relax. The magazine wasn’t where I usually left it. Instead, I found the box of pills I had hidden under my bed. I knew my mom snooped in my room all the time. The one place I knew she didn’t look was under my bed because she would have busted me for having the magazine a long time ago. I felt the pills could remain securely hidden there until I figured out how to use them.
Barry interrupted my thoughts by opening my door without knocking. He yelled “Panty Raid!” like his idol Bluto from Animal Force and came in swinging a nerf baseball bat. He knocked over all of my action figures and carefully placed Lego castles and space colonies while chasing me around the room.

It is lucky for me that my brother has a short attention span. His spontaneous raid on my room and pride didn’t last long. It did inspire me on what to do with the pills. If I could control Barry’s mind I could order him to leave me in peace and never make fun of me again! I decided I needed to run a few tests first to see if this stuff really worked.
Once I was ready I called Dave Kim over and explained my plan to him. Dave didn’t like Barry and he was immediately on board with helping me. I opened the pills and used on a tiny amount of the powder to make him some delicious herb tea. The sign on the box said it was incredibly potent. I didn’t want to use it all up on my dumb brother and miss out on all the titties at school if it really worked.
Dave and I had watched the movie Weird Science so often that we felt we WERE Wyatt and Gary in real life. We treated this just like an experiment and documented our results. I made notes about how much of the powder I used and what kind of tea I was using. Dave’s role was to hide with my camera and record everything like a documentary.
We didn’t consider how incriminating it may be if anyone discovered a tape of us conspiring to drug people and make them our mind-slaves. To us this was just like any ordinary science experiment-based documentary and there was nothing wrong about it.

I won’t say that I was so naïve that I didn’t realize that Barry would be angry I tried to use mind control on me if he found out. I just want to make it clear that we didn’t feel guilty because we really didn’t think about it. It seemed like a fun thing to do.
I brewed up some herbal tea for my brother. I put on a big friendly smile and put it on a tray. I brought the tea up to his room. "Thanks! This is just what big-tasty needs to start out my morning with eight essential vitamins and minerals. Hey, wait, I don't taste eight minerals in here. How many minerals are there?" he put me in a headlock and gave me a noogie.
That was fine. He did that all the time. I just needed time for the mind control to work. The problem was it didn't. He continued farting in my face, giving me wedgies, calling me a four-eyed nerd. If anything, he intentionally did the opposite of every command I tried to give him. If I said DON'T beat me up, he beat me up. If I said DON'T give me a purple nurple, he gave me one. Dave suggested I try the opposite, and when I told my brother to give me a pink belly, he held me down, lifted my shirt, and gave me a pink belly AND then a pink forehead. Then he sat on my head and called it an “Ass Hat”.

Note to self: Never take Dave Kim’s advice.
The next subject of our experiments was my father. I brewed him some tea and brought it to him. "Hello, Father, try some tea?" I said politely. He was sitting in his underwear in his favorite chair, watching TV.
"Go away, watching MacGyver!" he shooed me away. It took a while for him to drink the tea, but once again, it had no effect. I tried three days in a row and was told every time, "Go away, you moron! I don't want tea!"
My Mom noticed what I was doing and became a little jealous. If you don't know Beverly Goldberg, let's just say she is an overbearing, hyper-emotional shopaholic with no sense of boundaries and a big mouth that she's not afraid to use. Her job is maintaining the house, and she takes her job seriously, but she's no put upon housewife. Beverly frequently says she could have been a lawyer and she probably could have been. She will out-argue and bluster until she gets her way when she feels the need. She has blonde hair and a boob job. She likes to wear bedazzled sweaters and gaudy mom jeans. Mom truly does wear the pants (mom jeans) in the family. Beverly can cuss up a storm, but she won't tolerate anyone else cussing in her presence. When Bev wants something, she'll do anything to get it. Beverly gives everything to her kids and has been there every step of the way -- PTA, orange slices at games, letting you know she's washing your dirty underpants. Just one problem: She's at the point in her life where it's time to start letting go, but she CAN'T. Beverly realized that once her children are out of the picture, there's not much left... so she's clinging on to what she has. Even though she fights with her husband thirteen times a day, they remain unhealthily dependent on each other. There IS love under all the bickering, and their marriage somehow manages to work.
"Oh, you want some tea? I'd be happy to bring you some," I smiled. My mom couldn’t resist my boyish charm. She loved to grab my cheeks and pull them apart and wiggle them. It made me feel like a goofy beaver and I hated it. I made a mental note that I’d tell her to lay off with the cheek pulling if the tea worked on her. There were a ton of things I could get away with if the tea worked on her.
"You are such a good boy," my Mom kissed my forehead and looked up to thank her lucky stars before cleaning up after my father and kvetching about his not doing anything.
Dave Kim chided me for trying to enslave my Mom when we were alone.
"I don't think it works anyway," I shrugged.
"You haven't tried it on a female yet," Dave reminded that their biology could be different, and that was true. Our experiment had not yet completed, and we still had enough tea to continue twenty or thirty more times.
"Why not try it on Erica too?" Dave suggested. He had a crush on my sister since the first time he met her.
"Is that because you want me to order my sister to take all her clothes off and pose like the girl on the cover of Penthouse June 1982?" I asked.
"Maybe," Dave smirked.
"Dave Kim, we have an ethical obligation to test this mind control drug humanely. I couldn't possibly order my sister to get naked," I smirked.
"Were you planning to order Dana Caldwell or Jackie Geary to get naked?" Dave asked.
"Oh heck yeah!" I smirked.
"So it isn't ethical if you do it to your mom or Erica, but it is if you do it to them?" Dave said.
"Dave, I don't have time for your ethical conundrums," I said.
Dave said, "Look, it probably won't work, but how will you know it will work on Jackie and Dana unless you try it on your mom and Dana first?" Dave asked.
"I could try it on Jackie and Dana first hand!" I said brightly.
"Yeah, first you'd have to create a scenario where you serve them tea. Can you think of one of those?" Dave said, and he was right.
"Then you'd have to ask them to get naked. If it doesn't work, then they are going to slap the hell out of you, and you'll never get to talk to them again," he said.
I should also mention my sister Erica is a brunette with a shapely butt and a cute turned-up nose. She has soft-doe eyes but a fiery temper. The oldest and most rebellious Goldberg kid. Also, the trendiest. She loves partying, General Hospital, Whitesnake, and off the shoulder shirts. But Erica's smart as hell, too -- a double threat. She went from mathlete to miniskirts and showed up smoking hot junior year. Erica can also kick your ass. Especially if you're one of her siblings. She constantly battles with Barry, bickering over the phone line, pushing his buttons, and delighting in his drop-of-a-hat emotional meltdowns. Erica may be the bluntly vulgar Goldberg, but she's also sweet and protective when it comes to her baby bro, Adam. In a lot of ways, she's the one who's been the real parent to him. Erica may manipulate and beat up her younger brothers, but when push comes to shove, she looks out for them.
"My sister might slap the hell out of me too!" I told Dave.
"She does, anyway. You'll ask very nonchalantly. Lead up to it. Erica is a bully. Once you have her on your side, she can beat up Barry for you and keep him at bay. Your Mom is pushy. You can order her to talk to Dana and Jackie's moms and invite them over for tea. This is a win/win!" Dave said.

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Flashforward: The next day.
"Hello Mom, how are you this fine day?" I asked my mother, politely.
She was wearing her favorite denim fringe blouse. She had bedazzled it with the name BEV in red. She was working on some "nom-noms" for me in the kitchen. Dave Kim was with me. He was holding my VHS camera. That was no surprise because we frequently made movie adaptions of our favorite silver screen movies. Barry and Erica were not home, so we pretty much had the house to ourselves. This was the perfect time to put my plan into motion in a safe environment.
Well, my Dad was, but he was watching Wheel of Fortune, and he couldn't be bothered to look up to notice.
"Oh, just great, sweetie! Thank you for asking! I've got your favorite, shrimp bites with cheese!" she smiled at me and offered me a tidbit of her tasty handiwork. Mom seemed extra perky and joyful this afternoon. It was kind of annoying but I was hoping it was a side effect of the tea I had given her this morning. I woke up early and served her in bed. She made such a big deal about it that you would have thought I saved her life.

"I know I am your mother, but I think I can say this without bias, Adam F. Goldberg. You are an Adonis from marble sent from heaven to be scrumptious! Thank you for making mommy tea this morning! It was delish, and it really put a pep in my step today!" she smiled at me.
I felt a little nervous and guilty for what I was about to do, but it was for science.
"Mom, is it hot in here?" I asked as I fanned myself. It was a perfect 72 degrees. My father was an eternal cheapskate and locked the air conditioning setting permanently at 72 degrees.
"No, baby, it feels fine to me," my Mom smiled at me.
"If you are hot you should unbutton your blouse a little?" I suggested nervously. My Mom looked at me like she didn't understand. I was ready to bail on this entire experiment.
"Do you want me to unbutton my blouse, sweetheart?" My Mom unbuttoned the first few buttons on her top. "All you had to do was ask. It probably looks silly, all buttoned up. I want to be a hip mom! You know. Is this alright?" she asked as she left enough of her view of cleavage to genuinely be sexy - if she wasn't my Mom. My Mom made my Dad pay for 38DD surgery a few years ago, but she usually downplayed her shapely figured in more conservative outfits.
On rare occasions, she'd dress sexy, but only if she felt there was a rival woman interested in my Dad. Then she'd bring out the big guns and wear a low cut dress.
Dave nudged me and started filming my Mom.
"Oh, Hi, Dave Kim! I almost didn't notice you there!" Mom waved at the camera with a big smirk. She asked us what we were filming.
"A documentary! for science," I said truthfully. This was all part of my mind-control experiment.
"About me? Oh wow, you really made my day, Adam!" my Mom put her hand on her chest to indicate she was flattered. "I would do anything for science!" she said.
That made me feel less guilty about what I was going to ask her next. She just told me she'd do anything for science.
"Would you take off your top for science?" I asked. I blurted it out so that I wouldn't sound hesitant or fearful.
Dave Kim and I waited for these words to register on my mother's face. She would either turn completely hostile and throw a shoe at me, or she would obey my every command.
"If I did, then Dave Kim might see my bra," Mom said without protest or fear in her voice.
That was a puzzling response. She didn't obey me, but she wasn't angry, either. Maybe the mind-control drug permitted the subject to voice their objections or concerns, or maybe I just hadn't used enough of it.
"I know that. He has seen bras before. Go ahead and do it, please," I replied calmly like I was simply asking for more cheese on my shrimp. My Mom will put cheese on anything.
"Well, okay, but I don't know why you would want me to do that," My Mom said calmly as she began to unbutton her blouse completely.
My dick bulged in my tight corduroy pants. This was my own Mom, but it was intoxicating to see her surrender herself to my will.
"My blouse is fabulous and hand-crafted. I bedazzled my name in it myself," she said as if in a confused dream-state as she folded the blouse neatly and placed it on the table. Mom wore a low-slung bra that held her tits in like massive boulders. It was like the bra was trying to hold her tits back from escaping from her chest and they were at their breaking point.
"You did, and it is lovely," I agreed with a smile. I had tried the mind-control tea on males, and it had never worked. It suddenly made sense why it was advertised in the back of Penthouse magazine. It only worked on females! I needed a few more tests before I could be sure it would work on girls at school. How long did the effects last? Would anyone else be able to suggest she do things? What good are slaves if they will obey anyone. I whispered to Dave to ask her to do something.
"Take off your bra now, please," Dave said.
That seemed way too far! I wasn't ready to see my Mom's knockers in all their glory. I had never seen bare boobs in real life. I had seen my sister's boobs through her wet t-shirt once, and she nearly knocked my block off for staring. I wasn't sure if I was ready to see this! I closed my eyes in anticipation.
"Is that something you want me to do, Adam?" my Mom smiled at me sweetly.
"Why? Would you do it if I was the one to ask you?" I opened my eyes with excited enthusiasm. This was perfect. It meant my Mom had imprinted on me because I was the one to give her the tea!
"I don't want to take off my bra, but I will if you want me to," she said. My Mom is very outgoing and controlling. This was an entirely different tone of voice than I was used too. She was submissive to my whims.
"Yes, I would like that very much," I said.
My Mom reached behind her back and began to fidget with the snap. "Would you mind?" she asked as she came out from behind the kitchen counter. Mom bent down slightly and turned around so that I could unsnap her bra. It was like trying to open the safe to Fort Knox.
"Oh well, if you can't do it," Mom said sweetly and started to return to the kitchen when the door opened.
I was about to scram out of there. How would I explain my Mom in a bra in the kitchen with Dave and me filming her to anyone?
It was Erica, and she was home from shopping at the mall. "What are you toads doing?" She asked as she strode over to where we were standing in the kitchen area with a fire of anger on her face.
My father was in the living room, but he seldom paid attention to family squabbles. Erica raising her voice would seem fairly normal to him, and he tuned us out. He couldn't see my Mom from where he was sitting, and even if he could, his eyes were glued to the television.
I had also given Erica a dose of the tea this morning. She smiled at me like she expected it and thanked me warmly. I hadn’t expected that response at all. I usually left her room under a barrage of shoes and other projectiles she was throwing at me.
"Calm down, Erica," I said frantically.
"Fine, what is going on here?" Erica didn't sound that much calmer.
"Adam just asked me to take off my bra, but he couldn't unsnap it," my Mom explained serenely to my sister.
"Oh, is that all?" Erica trotted behind the kitchen, and with a single efficient hand gesture, she unsnapped my Mom's bra and pulled it all the way off. My Mom defensively held the bra with her elbows, but when Erica yanked it, she let it go.
I had seen tits in Penthouse and dirty movies about Ski Lodge snow bunnies. Nothing had prepared me for the perky strawberry nipples sticking straight out on my Mom's aerodynamic fake boobs. They reminded me of two missiles ready to be fired. 80's fake tits were the best kind of tits because there was nothing natural about them. They had no slope or arc. They had no teardrop shape as they hung down. My Mom's tits didn't even jiggle - they jutted straight out in defiance of gravity and nature. There was a clean separation between them that revealed her breast bone. Dave and I were mesmerized.
"Thank you, Erica," my Mom said without a trace of irony in her voice.
"No problem," she smirked and said she was glad to help and would be off to her room.
"No stay please," I had to see if my mind-control had worked on her too. She should have freaked out about what just happened. It definitely wasn't normal for my Mom to be topless in the kitchen. The last time I had seen her naked, she was coming out of the shower and dropped her towel, and it lasted only a split second as we both screamed.
Maybe the mind-control made the women unable to question the absurdity of an over-the-top situation? I had to know more about their ability to process reality. I wouldn't want my future slaves wandering into traffic or putting their hands on a hot stove because of a misinterpreted suggestion I gave them.
My sister stopped in her tracks and waited with her back to me.
"Turn around Erica," I said bluntly.
My sister paused. I wasn't sure if she was going to do what I told her or if she was simply preparing an onslaught of expletives for daring to tell her what to do.
She turned around with a big smile on her face. It wasn't even the sarcastic kind like she had when she was about to get me in trouble.
"Will you take off your shirt too?" I asked. I had already come this far. I may as well see if it was going to work.
"I don't want to do that, Adam," she said.
"I know, but if I told you to do that, would you?" I asked.
"I don't know why you would tell me to do that, but yes, I would," she said. There was a coyness about her speech. She didn't speak in the dream-like pattern my Mom did. I assumed maybe she was more resistant to suggestion. They were both strong-willed - in fact, it was harder to say which one of them was more stubborn. They could be incredibly competitive, and neither wanted to give in to the other when they had a disagreement.
"I am telling you to take off your top and your bra," I said.
"I am not wearing a bra," Erica was wearing an over-the-shoulder shirt with shoulder pads. It was popular in the 1980s. She had her hair tied in a tight braid on the side with lots of hair ties.
"He told you to take off your shirt, Erica," Mom walked around the kitchen like it was perfectly normal for her to be topless.
"Shut up, mom, that is disgusting!" she said angrily to my Mom. Yet, she pulled her top off for me revealing her all-natural teardrop-shaped hangers. She had darker nipples than Mom, and they swayed in perfect harmony with one another.
Dave Kim's eyes bulged from behind the camera. "Steady with the camera, Dave!"
"Why is he filming me!" Erica said as she put her hands defensively in front of her boobs.
"It is fine if Dave Kim films you. You are not embarrassed by your body. You have incredible knockers," I said as I made the Jedi Mind-Trick hand gesture like I was suggesting these were not the tits my sister was looking for.
"Thank you," Erica thanked me sweetly and relaxed her arms but didn't stop covering her nipples.
"You will never cover your tits with your hands again. You don't care who sees them," I said.
Erica dropped her hands and behaved naturally. Her body language was slightly irritated, but she seemed compliant.
I felt like a lion tamer on the first day of the job. I had two lions, and at any moment, they could snap my head off if I moved too quickly.
"Mom, you have lovely tits as well. You will never cover them with your hands," I said.
"For eight thousand dollars, you better believe I do! Doctor Schwartz does good work!" My Mom agreed and acted like it was perfectly normal to flit around the kitchen topless.
"Geoff Schwartz's dad?" Erica asked her Mom. Geoff had a huge crush on Erica, and she loved to ignore him as a result. I think she secretly liked him, though. She was just too proud to say it.
"No, this is a different Doctor Schwartz," my Mom answered her like it was perfectly normal to have a conversation with your topless daughter in front of your son and his best friend holding a video camera.
I needed time to process what I had seen today. I also needed desperately to masturbate because all I had were dirty thoughts about making my sister pose wearing only leg warmers while squatting over a chair like the cover girl on the Penthouse magazine I used to spank my monkey.
"You will both stay topless until after dinner," I announced.
"What if Barry comes home?" my Mom seemed panicked.
"What if Geoff comes over? He'll never stop staring!" Erica did as well.
"I just told you that you are not embarrassed by your tits. They are perfect. You will tell him that you watched an episode of Phil Donahue on women's rights, and women have the right to be topless. There is nothing sexual about the boobs. You will say that you are trying to prove a point," I said and made one last Jedi mind trick hand gesture in their general direction before escaping with Dave Kim to review our footage and then get a much needed private jerk-off session going to clear his head.
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Flashback: Three Days Earlier
"Look what I found in the little turds room," Erica held up Adam's highly secret box of mind-control drug that he had hastily hidden under his bed.
"It isn't nice to snoop around your brother's room," Bev said as she washed dishes. They were alone in the kitchen.
Bev's husband Murray was on the recliner, but he wasn't paying attention.
"Oh, pish-tosh! You do it all the time!" Erica called out her mother's hypocrisy.
"Yes, but I am a Yenta. When I snoop, it is out of love. I found those days ago. They are perfectly harmless. They are made out of sugar. It says so right in the ingredients," Bev dismissed it as a harmless placebo. Just some more junk like X-ray glasses and get rich quick schemes that her perfect son had ordered to try to improve himself. Bev could see no wrong in any of her children but especially in Adam.
"The little psychopath wants to control someone's mind," Erica was disgusted with the very idea that Adam would have the audacity to try it on anyone.
"So? He will try and fail, and it will just go into the garage with everything else. Let him dream," Bev wiped up the counter and offered her daughter some cheese balls.
"What if he tries it on you and me?" Erica insisted angrily.
"It won't work, so what is the harm?" Bev didn't see Erica's point.
"That is not the point! The point is that if he does, it means he thinks he can control us. It's demeaning, and I wouldn't put it past him," she explained that it was offensive. "He thinks everyone is a science experiment. He stole my Tampax and tried to test them to see how much kool-aid they could soak up!" Erica gave an example of a dozen things Adam had done that annoyed her.
"He did try to give his Dad some tea and asked him to get off the couch," Bev explained and pointed to Murray in his underwear relaxing.
"It obviously didn't work," Erica mused that her father was incredibly lazy. He was the breadwinner, though, and he was the only one who worked in the household. He liked silence and TV when he was home. He liked to sit comfortably in his underwear.
"He was trying to improve your father. If he had got off the couch, maybe we could have gone out for a nice dinner," Beverly explained with a smile.
"If he wanted to improve Dad, he'd tell him to change that stanky underwear once in a while and put on some pants," Erica joked. "If Adam brings me tea, I am going to shove it straight up his ass," she assured her mother.
"Now hold on," Beverly held up a finger. "Maybe this is a teachable moment?" she said.
"You and your teachable moments. They always backfire, Mom!" Erica had a hundred examples where Beverly took her good intentions way too far, and it exploded in her face.
"He tried the tea on Barry too. He was trying to get Barry to stop teasing him and making fun of him. The more he told him to stop, the more your brother harassed him," Beverly said.
"Mom," Erica pointed out that Adam had tried to give his older brother a Micky that would alter his mind and make him his slave. "Harassment is the least he deserves for trying something like that! Even if there is no way it could work!" she said.
"What if it DID work, though?" Beverly said.
"What are you talking about?" Erica replied.
"If we did everything Adam told us. He'd eventually feel guilty about it and realize it was wrong!" Beverly explained.
"There are two problems with that plan," Erica held up two fingers. She counted the first problem, "I'd have to what my brother told me to do." Erica dropped the second finger and said, "No."
"I'd get to spend so much time with my Smoopy!" Beverly said enthusiastically as she pictured going places with her son as his willing slave. She already cooked and cleaned for him. She shopped for him and did his laundry. She even bathed him until he started growing pubes and insisted she stop a few years ago. Beverly imagined coming along with Adam to the park on a sunny day and carrying balloons or taking a long trip across the country with him.
"He'd immediately make us do the dirty stuff! Like show our tits," Erica crushed Beverly's dream of bliss with her youngest child.
"Adam? Absolutely not," Beverly admitted that it would occur to Barry probably but not her baby Adam. He was a good boy. She knew about the June 1982 Penthouse and the reason it had so many sticky pages. She did laundry and felt she could easily tell from the underwear stains alone, which of her kids was going through problems.
"Want to bet?" Erica offered her hand.
The women made a bet that day. If Adam brought them tea, they would accept it. They would do whatever he told them to do as long as it wasn't dangerous. Beverly could quite easily conjure a thousand scenarios of danger any time her babies left the house, so the mind control could only work INSIDE the house.
Erica added a stipulation that they could say they didn't want to do what they were told to do.
"If we just go along with it, he may think we like it. If we are really going to test him, then he has to know if we don't," Erica said.
"I like it," Beverly was so proud of her daughter. She was going to make a fantastic guilt-based mother one day. "Naturally, if we do like it, then we can say that too. However, if he tells us to do something we don't want to do, then we can say so, and he will feel guilty."
Beverly said that the bet could be over the moment her baby suggested they do anything naughty.
"Oh, no!" Erica insisted. "This is the monster you created. If you are sure that Adam would NEVER order us to do anything naughty, then you are going to go along with it," she said that was not negotiable if they were to have a deal.
"What? That's crazy!" Beverly said.
"Then you must believe that Adam is truly capable of ordering you to show him your tits. So if he DOES you will," Erica insisted.
"What if he can't unhook my bra strap?" Beverly smirked. She knew Adam wasn't very savvy when it came to things like lady's undergarments. He thought pantyhose were just really big socks.
Erica crossed her arms and glared at her mother's reluctance. "Look, this was your idea. If you are too chicken to teach him a lesson then.." she started to leave.
"No, wait. Okay, but you will do it too?" Beverly realized this was also a bonding time with her daughter. If Adam ordered them to spend time together at the mall, she could be the cool Mom.
"Are you doing this just to spend time with me?" Erica sighed.
"No, not at all," Beverly pretended that had been the furthest idea from her mind. "Now that you mention it, though, that is a side benefit," she said.
"Okay, how about we skip Adam, and you just become my personal slave. I order you to stay out of my business and give me another of those delicious cheese balls," Erica said with her impish grin.
"I will make you a deal," Beverly said as she dropped a cheese ball in her daughter's waiting mouth. "Whichever one of us quits first becomes the slave to the other. If I quit, then I stay MOSTLY out of your life and feed you delicious snacks. If you quit first, then you have to hang out with me all the time. We get matching shirts, I teach you all of my delicious recipes, we become inseparable girl partners like Thelma and Louise."
"Thelma and Louise drove off a cliff together," Erica rolled her eyes that they’d end up dead.
"Okay, not that part," Beverly admitted she didn't really watch the movie. She just liked the idea of two women gal pals hanging out together.
"How about this instead," Erica offered a counteroffer of her Mom staying out of her life, and they ignore Adam's dumb mind control and forget the whole thing.
"Seems like you are the one that is chicken," Beverly pointed out that her daughter was afraid to make a bet. "You may be a delicious grilled parmesan chicken in sautéed butter, but you are afraid!" she said. Beverly and Erica had a long history of competitive bets that began by calling each other afraid of the consequences. Erica had said that her mother was afraid that Adam might tell her to something dirty. Beverly said Erica was afraid to lose the bet.
"Fine, but this is my final offer," Erica made it clear there would be no counteroffers. "We will pretend Adam's mind control works on us. We only take orders from Adam. The mind-control drug isn't transferable to anyone else, especially not his grubby friends. Dave Kim has had a crush on me and creeps me the fuck out. I will do anything he orders me to do in the house, and so will you. The mind control has a range of effects, though. If Adam isn't around or we leave the house, it loses its effectiveness," she said.
Beverly nodded that she agreed so far.
"The bet lasts until Adam feels guilty and puts a stop to it, or one of us has had enough and quits. If I can't tolerate him talking about whether Star Trek is better than Star Wars and you see I am about to lose control and wring his scrawny neck, I want you to remind me what we are doing. However, if one us quits, then it is over for both of us," Erica made it clear that at that point, she'd likely wring Adam's scrawny neck. If he apologizes before the three days is up then Mom is the automatic winner.
Neither of them assumed it would last longer than three days but they were both prepared to play as long as it took to win!
"If you quit first, then you stay COMPLETELY out of my business. You can watch and admire from a distance. I can come and go as I please without repercussion. You will tell Dad to double my allowance. You will never question my decisions. You will never give me unsolicited advice. You will never spy on me, and you are absolutely forbidden from looking through my things," Erica said the conditions. "If I quit first, then I will hang out with you some," she didn't elaborate further.
"It seems like you think you might quit first because you are afraid to give me full access to your life," Beverly smirked.
"Fine," Erica acquiesced to her mother again. "If I lose the bet and refuse to obey my brother's twisted little orders, then you can have full access to my life and my comings and goings," she said.
"You also have to wear matching t-shirts and hang out with me in public and acknowledge I am your mother!" Beverly added.
"Only for as long as the bet lasts. If I quit in the first hour, then I am going to pretend I drank mind-control tea and do whatever you want for an hour," she said.
Beverly didn't like that option at all. There was an incentive for her daughter to make a joke of the whole thing and quit early. She would not get to hang out with Erica OR Adam if that happened.
"You have to hang out with me for three months and give me full access to your life if you quit," she said.
"Oh my god, why are we even talking about this. The first time Adam tells you to show David Kim your tits, you are going to panic and quit anyway," Erica insisted.
"He won't do that, but if he did, then I'd shrug and show him. If it means hanging out with my snookums for three months. I have nothing to hide," Beverly did aerobics and was very proud of her mom bod.
"What if Dad sees you?" Erica said.
"Hey Murray," Erica went into the living room and lifted her shirt to reveal her beautiful knockers to him.
"Can't! Watching the Phillies," Murray grunted with a dismissive wave and asked for a beer.
Beverly did a victory walk back into the kitchen. "I think you'd have a bigger problem with it than I would," she said.
"Oh please," Erica waved off her mother's comment. "I followed the Grateful Dead this summer!"
"You showed your boobs at a concert?" Beverly was shocked.
"No, I didn't, but a lot of hippy chicks did. I saw way too many pubes and armpit hair to ever un-see it!" Erica chuckled. She assured her Mom that she would chicken out before she did.
Beverly was always organized. She pulled out a pad and paper and wrote out a contract for the two of them. These were the conditions they finally agreed upon after some additional consternation and bickering - which Beverly enjoyed tremendously. She assured Erica that she would arrange for Adam to give them the tea next. That was a simple matter to a pushy mom like her. She was nervous and excited about her little game. It seemed wrong on many levels, but she justified it as teaching her son a valuable lesson and getting to hang out with him and her daughter. She was still convinced Adam would behave responsibly and innocently, but she was prepared to strip naked if it meant winning this bet. That might be an entirely different lesson on the female anatomy, but she really didn't think it would come to that anyway - or at least think about what she'd do if it did.
- They must both pretend to be under mind control. Adam must be clearly ordering them to do something. If he implies or suggests, they are free to ignore it. They do not have to follow the orders of anyone else even if Adam orders them to do so. The mind control only works in the house and for a limited amount of time. If Adam leaves the room, it starts to wear off. They are never to get mad at Adam, but they can get mad at anyone else even if Adam orders them not too. This was a stipulation Erica insisted on so she could kick Barry's ass if he teases her about obeying Adam or tries to take over. Beverly admitted that Barry would probably exploit the hell out of them.
- All in all, Beverly expected them both to have fun with their little charade. If he told them to put their hands on a hot stove or dance on a cactus they could pull the plug but otherwise they were both supposed to support each other and try to keep a straight face and pretend they were the victims of powerful mind-control.
- They could tease Adam, be coy but never be rude or angry with him. This was a stipulation Beverly put in so that Erica wouldn't intimidate him into only ordering her around. They assumed Dave Kim and Adam’s other nerdy friends would want to try to take charge of them and they both agreed they had become immune to anyone else’s suggestions after the first dose from Adam. They had “imprinted” on him somehow. They would both find ways to pretend they didn’t understand why they felt this compulsion. Erica loved acting and she was looking forward to seeing if her Mom could really pull this off as well as she could.
- They could express their displeasure following any orders they didn't like. That would make it clear to Adam that he was ordering them, and they weren't just doing what they were told because they wanted to do it.
- If Adam comes to his senses and apologizes within three days of giving them tea, Erica loses automatically.
- If Adam orders them to have sex with anyone, Beverly loses automatically. She didn't want to admit it was possible that Adam would tell her to undress, but she drew the line at sex with anyone but her husband.
- If Adam stops giving them the tea without saying anything, then it is a stalemate, and Erica is free to "Remember" what he made her do and kick his ass after 24 hours when they pretend it "wore off."
- The loser has to pretend that the winner has a much stronger mind control tea. They will obey the winner for three weeks. Erica decided three months was way too long if she did lose. In the end, they would both confront Adam if he hadn't apologized, and his punishment would be that he has to hang out for three weeks with Beverly.
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THE GOLDBERGS – CONTROL ANYONE – GET A HEAD.